Filed for divorce Part 4

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This thread was split from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=346040.0


Welp, she followed through on at least one threat. I hadn't talked to her in five days. She called last night and was drunk. I got off the phone and refused to answer the calls. She called forty something times, and simultaneously sent texts telling me I needed to pick up the phone or she would start emailing and texting my family, my boss, etc. After about an hour of that she sent my mom this:

"Someone in YOUR family brutally sexually abused stolencrumbs. for years. i don’t know the details. he only ever gave me the most broad description of it. i have my suspicions about who hurt him. it is why he left. why he never came home. i don’t know for sure but i am pretty sure who it was. your family has a lot of secrets. i get that. my family is messed up too. but he is so beautiful and kind and gentle. i hate that someone in your family hurt him so badly. i hate that it impacted our marriage. QUEL DOMMAGE WHAT A SHAME. WHAT A SWEET BOY,"

Who does that? Who sends that text to my mom? Answer: my wife. But really? I cannot get my head around using something like that as a weapon.

My mom can't conceive that it could even possibly be true, so at least right now I don't have to explain much to my family. That's good, but also kind of sad.

Oh she also called the police to do a welfare check on me last night. Because I'm clearly not well. Because I hadn't talked to her in five days. And I wouldn't answer her phone calls.

I cannot wait until this is not my life anymore.

[stolencrumbs]

This thread was split from this discussion:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=346040.0


Welp, she followed through on at least one threat. I hadn't talked to her in five days. She called last night and was drunk. I got off the phone and refused to answer the calls. She called forty something times, and simultaneously sent texts telling me I needed to pick up the phone or she would start emailing and texting my family, my boss, etc. After about an hour of that she sent my mom this:

"Someone in YOUR family brutally sexually abused stolencrumbs. for years. i don’t know the details. he only ever gave me the most broad description of it. i have my suspicions about who hurt him. it is why he left. why he never came home. i don’t know for sure but i am pretty sure who it was. your family has a lot of secrets. i get that. my family is messed up too. but he is so beautiful and kind and gentle. i hate that someone in your family hurt him so badly. i hate that it impacted our marriage. QUEL DOMMAGE WHAT A SHAME. WHAT A SWEET BOY,"

Who does that? Who sends that text to my mom? Answer: my wife. But really? I cannot get my head around using something like that as a weapon.

My mom can't conceive that it could even possibly be true, so at least right now I don't have to explain much to my family. That's good, but also kind of sad.

Oh she also called the police to do a welfare check on me last night. Because I'm clearly not well. Because I hadn't talked to her in five days. And I wouldn't answer her phone calls.

I cannot wait until this is not my life anymore.

[I Am Redeemed]

I find her words really ironic in that she is telling your mother how sweet and kind and gentle you are while simultaneously abusing you

I had a feeling your family would not take seriously anything she says to them,  but you are right that it is sad because in this instance it is true and your mother can't conceive that it could be.

Perhaps if she continues this your family will choose to block her.  At the least,  it's more evidence of her mental illness.

What did the police say to you? Did they say what will happen if she continues calling them for these "welfare checks "? Which is really a means to harass you and may be in some way "payback " for calling them on her for the same reason?

[stolencrumbs]

I find her words really ironic in that she is telling your mother how sweet and kind and gentle you are while simultaneously abusing you

I had a feeling your family would not take seriously anything she says to them,  but you are right that it is sad because in this instance it is true and your mother can't conceive that it could be.

Perhaps if she continues this your family will choose to block her.  At the least,  it's more evidence of her mental illness.

What did the police say to you? Did they say what will happen if she continues calling them for these "welfare checks "? Which is really a means to harass you and may be in some way "payback " for calling them on her for the same reason?

Yeah, the irony is pretty thick. Just before sending that text, she sent me a text saying how much she loves me and was so sorry that she had to do this. Uh huh. Yeah. That right there is definitely love.

Because I live on campus, the city police call campus public safety and they are the ones who come check. He was very nice. After a few minutes, he said "I'm not sure why we're checking on you, seems like somebody should be checking on your wife." No discussion about what happens if she keeps doing this. If she does it again, I'll talk with public safety and let them know what's going on.

[formflier]

So sorry this story has somewhat been outed.

There is a weird thing that many pwBPD do where they let themselves off the hook by saying "they had to do it" or "you made me do it".

Hard to wrap my head around and I use that as a "marker" to understand when pwBPD in my life have "gone over to that side" for a while...and are operating on emotion.

Switching gears.

Wasn't there a deadline for response?  Did she respond?  What is next step in the process?

Switching gears again.  Sounds like you briefly spoke to her on the phone and then realized she was going weird, so you hung up.  Is that correct?

How much communication do you actually have (compared to her attempts)? 

Any progress is setting up google voice to transition away?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

So sorry this story has somewhat been outed.

There is a weird thing that many pwBPD do where they let themselves off the hook by saying "they had to do it" or "you made me do it".

Hard to wrap my head around and I use that as a "marker" to understand when pwBPD in my life have "gone over to that side" for a while...and are operating on emotion.

Switching gears.

Wasn't there a deadline for response?  Did she respond?  What is next step in the process?

Switching gears again.  Sounds like you briefly spoke to her on the phone and then realized she was going weird, so you hung up.  Is that correct?

How much communication do you actually have (compared to her attempts)? 

Any progress is setting up google voice to transition away?

Best,

FF

The deadline is today. She asked for an extension and I (with my attorney) granted her that. So she has 30 more days to respond. Per my lawyer, if she filed for an extension with the court, it would more or less be automatically granted, and the court will look more favorably on me if I just grant her the extension without forcing her to file a motion. And it also doesn't really matter. Not responding by the deadline doesn't really have much of a consequence. It opens up the possibility of a default judgment, but that takes multiple hearings and would be 6-9 months out anyway, and she can respond at any point up until the hearing. So at worst, the extension adds a month to the process. 

My lawyer scheduled mediation for next month. My W is adamant that she is not participating in that. Hopefully she has her own lawyer by then and they can sort things out. The goal of scheduling the mediation was to nudge her into getting a lawyer. Ideally the next step is that she gets a lawyer and the lawyers can talk to each other. If not, my lawyer will keep trying to move things along, and my W will keep freaking out about it.

Yes. There had been no contact or attempts at contact since Saturday. So when she called yesterday, I answered. I talked to her for maybe 10 minutes. It was clear she was drunk. Familiar threats were launched. I told her I was going to go. She said fine, hang up on me if you want, see what happens. I hung up. Then what happened happened.

I don't engage when she has been drinking. In the last few weeks, there have been multiple nights where I've ignored between forty to seventy phone calls. If she calls at a reasonable hour or emails or texts with something I can actually respond to, I will respond.

I have not initated contact in a couple of weeks. I think about it. But if I feel like I'm doing it because I just want to know if she's alive, or because I feel like I have an obligation to reach out, or because I feel guilty that I haven't, or because I feel like I *have* to for some other reason, then I don't do it. I have remote access to the router at the house, so I can see when her computer and/or phone is connected to the wifi. So I have proof of life. That makes it slightly easier to not call.

No progress on the separate number. I think the next step is to put the phone on "do not disturb" when the repeated phone calls and texts start. I haven't done that yet. 

[I Am Redeemed]

I have not initated contact in a couple of weeks. I think about it. But if I feel like I'm doing it because I just want to know if she's alive, or because I feel like I have an obligation to reach out, or because I feel guilty that I haven't, or because I feel like I *have* to for some other reason, then I don't do it.

I think this is really good, sc and it shows a lot of progress in you. I also know it takes a lot of effort. Changing old behavior patterns is uncomfortable and hard and the fact that you have this level of awareness and are able to push past the feelings and make what you consider to be the healthiest choice for you is incredible. So awesome!   

You are consciously changing your conditioned response. You are deliberately choosing to not engage in an instinctive action designed to soothe your own uncomfortable feelings re: obligation, guilt, or anxiety, and that is a huge victory. Congratulations on this huge step forward!

[stolencrumbs]

I think this is really good, sc and it shows a lot of progress in you. I also know it takes a lot of effort. Changing old behavior patterns is uncomfortable and hard and the fact that you have this level of awareness and are able to push past the feelings and make what you consider to be the healthiest choice for you is incredible. So awesome!   

You are consciously changing your conditioned response. You are deliberately choosing to not engage in an instinctive action designed to soothe your own uncomfortable feelings re: obligation, guilt, or anxiety, and that is a huge victory. Congratulations on this huge step forward!

Thanks, redeemed. I wish it felt like a victory of some kind.

The most recent incident--sending the text to my mom--has thrown me off. My W has pretended like it was a big nothingburger. She seemed perplexed that I did not want to come eat ice cream with her the next day. (This was in emails from her.) On some level I know that's messed up. But the speed at which I became the bad guy in her mind because I didn't want to see her after sending that text to my mom makes my head spin. And that there's still some part of me that thinks she might be right, or that, yeah, I should go over and see her, well, that's messed up, too. And it doesn't help that this particular thing is not something I can really talk to my normal support system about. I feel like I'm overeacting. But then I don't think I am. I don't know. I see my T next week. 

I don't really know why nothing she does is ever enough for me to just be over it all. I don't know why I don't get angry, or I'm only angry for a brief moment. In general, I think that's a good thing. I tend to agree with the Stoics that anger is temporary madness. But I think it'd be easier if I was angry. Maybe not. I'm probably just stuck having to continually make a conscious decision to disengage. That's hard. 

I lost track of any point I had. But thanks again for saying that. It helps. 

[Cat Familiar]

I understand the feeling of not getting angry. I haven’t always felt this way, but it does seem that anger is self damaging, so why participate in it?

I think what you are missing regarding your wife is the idea of choosing to validate people who are bettering the human condition, versus people who are undermining it.

That you have sympathy for her due to your long history is understandable. That she is a person of merit, based upon her behavior is not open to debate.

How could you better serve the good if you weren’t dealing with the encumbrances she saddles you with?

[Notwendy]

I think you made great progress by recognizing that your urge to contact your wife is an aspect of you - not her. The two of you have engaged in behavior patterns that filled some kind of emotional need for both of you. The addiction model for co-dependent behavior is a helpful explanation. We can be "addicted" to this behavior and experience the signs of addiction- urges, cravings, feelings of unrest when not engaging in it.

The other person feels it too when the pattern is changed and will engage in the behavior that previously worked for them, to get this pattern back. You are now aware of your own feelings when this happens and this is a good thing- pay attention to your feelings.

I think it is common to "numb out" and not feel feelings when in these situations. I think it's also common if someone has been abused themselves. It's a coping mechanism. This might be why you don't feel angry. I think Cat is correct about not acting out in anger, but a feeling is a feeling and anger is one of these feelings. We can be aware of them, and then choose to act or not, but it may take some time for you to be fully aware of your own feelings if you have been shutting them out. Anger is a normal reaction to having your boundaries stepped over. How we respond to this is a choice, and we can use anger to recognize what is happening and then act in a positive manner, take the time to think about what to do rather than react in anger.

[formflier]

For me, I shied away from anger for a while because it seemed that the decisions and actions I took while angry damaged my relationships.  (Even upon reflection, I think this was accurate)


So...then I tried "just don't be angry" and that didn't seem to work.

Now I try to acknowledge my anger and I have a big "pause" button that I push whenever I am angry (or I try to push it) so that whatever impulses I have...so that I can slow down.

I try to "remember" the anger and use the anger as "fuel" to do uncomfortable things that I believe I need to do, while trying to make sure those things come from a place of reflection..vice impulse.

Of all my emotions, "anger" is probably my most complicated one, sometimes because it can be hard to figure out exactly who I am angry with/at. 

Hope this helps.

stolencrumbs,

Keep up the hard work and thank you so much for being open here and letting us be a part of your journey.

I hope it is helpful or you and I'm certain these threads will help others!

 

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

My husband rarely gets angry. He can be impatient and show frustration, but I don't see anger. I think he is afraid of his anger, which in the past has been explosive.

However, there are different types of anger. One type is momentary or short term -- something makes you angry, you feel the emotion, you explore it, it is gone and/or the situation is resolved.

There is also anger that is deep-seated and, in some people, has been quashed. My husband did this with his marriage to his uBPD/NPD then-wife. In making the decision to stay with her for the sake of the children, he quashed anger at her infidelities and negative behaviors.

Another type of anger is that which comes as part of the process of grieving. Those states are usually described as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. There are other models, but Anger is in each one. You might want to explore Anger as part of grieving the end of your marriage. You may have difficulty moving forward without getting in touch with your anger and moving through it.

[stolencrumbs]

Cat, I think you're last question is a good one. It's the question my best friend has been asking me for years. What more could I be doing with my life if my energy wasn't almost entirely devoted to this one person? I could definitely be a better teacher, colleague, friend, son, brother, etc. And those things matter, too.

FF, this place has definitely been helpful to me. I hope it somehow helps others. I think the most surprising thing to me is how much of a journey it is, and how long that journey is. It doesn't *seem* like it should be this hard. But here I am. That frustrates me, but I also do see progress, however slow it might be.

It's probably not just anger that I don't feel. I think I'm probably numb to a lot, and yes, I think it is a coping strategy. Every day for years has felt like being in a crisis, and so I just deal with the crisis and tell myself there'll be time for dealing with the feelings later. But later never comes, and the crisis always continues. I am slowly getting better at that, I think--of just taking some time where I'm not in crisis mode. I don't do much with that time, but I guess I hope as I get more comfortable doing that, I can do more with that time.

Last night was dozens of phone calls, emails, and texts again. Probably two dozen or so of each. I didn't respond when it was clear she was drunk, but I still read them. I need to stop that. It definitely doesn't help me. Part of me feels like I should somehow still be experiencing her pain with her. Like it somehow feels wrong to be having a good time while she is spinning out of control. This morning she sent an email to say she doesn't remember anything after 7:00pm. She didn't stop texting until after midnight. The more she does that, the more comfortable I am completely ignoring all of it. If you're not even going to remember it, I sure don't need to pay attention to it. Pretty clear she has a genuine drinking problem at this point. She blacks out, or claims to blackout, at least once a week, sometimes much more than that. And it becomes a bargaining chip if I bring it up--she'll stop drinking if I come home. I feel like that old lady in the commercial talking to the other old lady who doesn't understand social media. "That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works."

[Notwendy]

Emotional regulation skills is one of those "match points" when it comes to relationships with dysfunctional people. While it seems more obvious that pwBPD have difficulty managing/regulating their emotions due to their outward behavior, so often do their partners as well. The idea that we "match" our romantic partners in our level of enmeshment and emotional regulation might seem ludicrous at first to us, as we aren't behaving like they are, but think about it- managing someone else's feelings is really a way of managing our own distress with their distress.

The more we are able to manage our own discomfort in the presence of someone else's discomfort, the less impulse we have to manage theirs. It's about boundaries- when someone is upset, whose feelings is it? It's theirs, not ours but somehow it also feels like ours if our own boundaries aren't solid. 

One big step for me was to pay attention to my own feelings, take the focus off other people's feelings. It doesn't mean we act on them. I agree with taking a pause with anger. But anger is a feeling, like every other feeling. Our feelings inform us. We are wired to feel them- fear if being chased by a bear, or anger if someone crosses our boundaries. The pause is our rational thinking. Rarely in modern times are we being chased by a bear ( I hope not) but we are still wired for that feeling. Anger can also protect us, but we choose how to act on that. These are tough emotions.

I'm sure these drunken phone messages are tough. On her part, she has her own set of emotional skills and she's managing them in ways she knows have worked in the past. You were there to manage her feelings and by doing so, you also managed your own feelings of discomfort when she was upset. Now you are noticing yours, and learning to manage that.

[stolencrumbs]

It's been a while, but the nightmare continues. My wife did finally hire an attorney. She claims to have told him that her main objective was to slow things down, and judging by what's happening, he is doing that. So the actual process is moving at a snail's pace. She still hasn't actually responded to the initial divorce complaint. That was in July.

In the meantime, her mental state and/or ability to cope is getting worse. The emails, texts, and phone calls do not stop. She drinks most nights, and is pretty much blackout drunk for entire weekends. The explicit threats to kill herself have waned, though she still constantly says that I am killing her or that "this" is going to kill her. And she occasionally reminds me that she has "everything she needs" to do it. She has drastically increased the emails to my family. My mom has gotten forty or so emails in the last couple of weeks. She has, again, emailed her about the abuse I experienced as a child. She has also widened the email circle and routinely copies my aunt and cousins on emails. Most of these just describe how awful I am and how my family never treated her like "real family," and treated her like a "piece of trash." She has also ramped up the threats to try to get me fired. I don't think she has any information that would actually get me fired, but I'm preparing for those emails to come to my boss, HR, etc. at some point. She likes to say that I need to experience what it feels like to wake up with nothing. She called 98 times in a row the other night, and simultaneously gave me a countdown in text messages for when she was going to "press send" on the email she had drafted to "everyone." As far as I know, she did not do that. Then in the morning after nights like this, she emails and tells me I just need to come home. It is utterly mindboggling how she thinks that is supposed to work. But that's the pattern. Crazy nights followed by telling me in the morning I just need to come home and "work together" and play board games and "love each other."

My lawyer thinks I have more than enough to warrant an order of protection. While I can almost taste how great it would be for her to be legally prohibited from contacting me, and to have a clear protocol for what to do if she does, it also scares me to death. I would bet a lot of money she will follow through on every threat to try to hurt me, and possibly follow through on the threat to kill herself. I just can't imagine what she will do with the anger and rage if I stop being the outlet she has for it.

I've been seeing a new T for the last six weeks, and that's been good, though I think it would be more helpful if I were in a position to get over the trauma instead of being in the position of continually experiencing it. It has been helpful, and I can see a path for getting healthy again, but I can't really see the path while I'm still in the middle of it. And at this pace, the divorce is going to drag on into next spring.

So that's where things are. It feels like my options are to (a) file for an order of protection and prepare for nuclear fallout, (b) keep doing what I'm doing and wait for the nuclear fallout to happen at a slightly slower pace, or (c) spend a lot more time at home and pretend like I'm there for some other reason than to just try to avoid the nuclear fallout. None seem particularly appealing. 

[formflier]

 

It's good she has an attorney now. 

My advice is to follow your attorney's advice.  Protect yourself with an order of protection.  Ask if it can be extended to your family.

What would your life be like with no more texts and emails? 

I'm sorry it has come to this...

 

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

It's good she has an attorney now. 

My advice is to follow your attorney's advice.  Protect yourself with an order of protection.  Ask if it can be extended to your family.

What would your life be like with no more texts and emails? 

I'm sorry it has come to this...

 

Best,

FF

It would be amazing. To just not feel like I am under constant threat, and to not dread what email or text or phone call is coming next, or not fret over whether I respond to this one or that one or do something to try to calm her down. It would, I think, feel very liberating.

And especially right now. In addition to it being the end of the semester in an already stressful semester, and with always stressful holidays on the horizon, my truck was smashed by a drunk driver in the parking lot behind my office while I was sitting in my apartment at 10:30 at night, and my dad was diagnosed with locally advanced, inoperable prostate cancer and starts two months of radiation therapy and 18 months of hormone therapy next month. Add it all together and, well...just too much right now. 

[formflier]

Can I at least get you to send an email to your attorney and then follow up with a phone call about moving  on the protection order?

1.  No contact to you.
2.  Your family
3.  Your work

All her communications are through her attorney.


Any one else need to be on the list.


Do you need to provide a list of addresses for her to stay away from?  Do you also need no trespass orders/letters( I would recommend that)?

How far away are family members (risk of her showing up there?)

 

Isn't it time to focus your time and energy other places..like your Dad?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Can I at least get you to send an email to your attorney and then follow up with a phone call about moving  on the protection order?

1.  No contact to you.
2.  Your family
3.  Your work

All her communications are through her attorney.


Any one else need to be on the list.


Do you need to provide a list of addresses for her to stay away from?  Do you also need no trespass orders/letters( I would recommend that)?

How far away are family members (risk of her showing up there?)

 

Isn't it time to focus your time and energy other places..like your Dad?

Best,

FF

I am meeting with him tomorrow. I was supposed to meet with him last week, but he canceled at the last minute. Tomorrow was the next time that worked. I plan to ask all of those questions. If there is an order of protection, she will be prohibited from coming on campus (where I work and live.) The order would prohibit direct and indirect contact with me. I think contacting my family/employer counts as indirect contact with me, but I will make sure. My family is all 5+ hours away, so I don't really worry about that.

I'm pretty sure she would violate the order. I don't really think it will keep her from contacting me or others. As best as I can tell, the way her brain works is that she gets drunk and doesn't care at all about the consequences of what she does because her default position is that she is going to die so it doesn't matter. The consequences don't seem to matter. I mean, losing my job would be much worse for her than for me. I've lived like a vagabond for almost five years. She has a lot more to lose from that happening, and at least when drunk, doesn't really care. I doubt the threat of a fine or contempt will change that. But it does make it a whole lot easier for me to know what to do. Violation=document and call the police.

[formflier]

And also, I would think it gives you more job protection.

If she says crazy stuff and you can show HR that the courts have prohibited her from saying that...and she is anyway...I have to imagine they would dismiss whatever she communicates.

Plus...ultimately, I think it will help you have an easier time in divorce, if she has several "violations".

Back to the order of protection. 

If your attorney says that you are protected and no need to be specific, ask him if there is a downside to being specific.

So...instead of the order implying that no contact extends to you family, it will explicitly state this.

I think the order should also state that any communications that need to go to you, go through her attorney..to you attorney..and then to you.

So..tell her what not to do and then what to do.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I agree with FF. A specific order of protection will give you the breathing room you need to regain your sense of self and take care of other needs in your life. Certainly your father needs you now.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. You deserve a chance to focus on your relationship with your family.


The best thing I ever did was get a protective order and go no contact.

You are absolutely correct that you will not be able to address and heal from any of the trauma while you are still being exposed to it.

I totally understand the fear of what will happen when you are no longer an available outlet or target. I thought the same thing and I wondered when I would get a call that my ex had jumped off a bridge or something.

He didn't.

He did continue to try to contact me through every avenue he could possibly find (including youtube and a Bible app, of all things) until he met some other girl and that ceased the communication (at least for a while. He sends sporadic messages every six to nine months).

If I had to guess, the drive to stay alive and get vengeance on you for leaving her will probably fuel her and I would also guess that she will promptly violate the order. You are again correct: document and call the police.

You have done very well moving towards a place where you can put your needs first. Continue doing that. FF makes a good point about showing HR the PO. It's being proactive in setting boundaries and disarming the power of her threats.

Her words get to you because you continue to be exposed to them. When you end the exposure, you can and will be able to make progress in therapy.

You can get free of the guilt. You have to stop the trauma first.

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with the others. How many years have you spent trying to prevent her from taking her own life?

She has been very abusive and unkind to you. Period.

[stolencrumbs]

Over the course of twelve hours yesterday and into the morning, she sent two dozen emails and over 350 text messages. Most of the emails went to multiple members of my family, and she sent at least three to my boss, alleging I had "inappropriate relationships" with students (I did not) and admonishing him for not doing his "due diligence" and allowing me to be faculty-in-residence. Then today, after claiming to not remember last night, asked me to bring her some Gatorade and to stay with her the next few days so she could detox, because she doesn't want to drink anymore and is worried about withdrawal. I encouraged her to go to a rehab facility, but she uses Covid as an excuse not to. Good lord. What a mindf*ck to go from literally trying to get me fired to begging me to take care of her in the course of a few hours. If I wasn't living this life, I would say it is unbelievable. No one would buy it as a story--too over-the-top. 

I've filled out the form for an order of protection. I'm telling myself I'm going to file it tomorrow. I'm not convinced that I actually will. But I'm also really sure I don't want to sit around and wait for the next night of emails and texts. I am so far beyond tired of all of this.

[Cat Familiar]

DO IT!  What more bridges are you waiting for her to burn?

[I Am Redeemed]

The switch from trying to ruin your life and embarrass you to trying to get you to feel sympathy for her and take care of her is indicative of the extremes she will go to in order to get her needs (or wants) met. It's all about her. I also think the whole "detox" thing is a way to avoid accountability for her behavior: "feel sorry for me, I have a problem and I need your help to get over it."

File the order. You need legal protection from her destructive behaviors.

What did your boss say? I'm hoping he knows you better than that and can see that she is mentally disturbed. A protection order would keep her from contacting your workplace or showing up there.

[formflier]

Instead of filing it, please send the form to your L for a quick review.  If he says it is good, he can probably file it for you.

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

The switch from trying to ruin your life and embarrass you to trying to get you to feel sympathy for her and take care of her is indicative of the extremes she will go to in order to get her needs (or wants) met. It's all about her. I also think the whole "detox" thing is a way to avoid accountability for her behavior: "feel sorry for me, I have a problem and I need your help to get over it."

File the order. You need legal protection from her destructive behaviors.

What did your boss say? I'm hoping he knows you better than that and can see that she is mentally disturbed. A protection order would keep her from contacting your workplace or showing up there.

I agree with all of that. It is definitely making it all about her, and a way of avoiding accountability. And also something I've heard before. And now she'll blame me for filing for a PO when she is "reaching out for help." Whatever. I can't do it anymore, and I won't have to hear it.

I haven't talked to my boss yet. I have emailed him but have not heard back. I'm not particularly worried. It helps that by the time she sends those emails she is way off the rails. The emails were littered with f-bombs and an extended soliloquy about her first love in London. There's a zero percent chance anyone could read them and not think the person on the other end struggles with mental health issues.

[stolencrumbs]

Instead of filing it, please send the form to your L for a quick review.  If he says it is good, he can probably file it for you.

What do you think?

Best,

FF

He encouraged me to do it myself. Not sure exactly why, but that was his advice. It won't be hard to justify. As my L said, if we have to argue this in front of a judge, he could show up after a three-day bender and get me a PO. And he only half-jokingly told me he'd fire me as a client if I didn't file for one. He wanted me to do it Thursday and, well, hindsight's 20/20.

[babyducks]

Hello stolencrumbs

Over the course of twelve hours yesterday and into the morning, she sent two dozen emails and over 350 text messages. Most of the emails went to multiple members of my family, and she sent at least three to my boss, alleging I had "inappropriate relationships" with students (I did not) and admonishing him for not doing his "due diligence" and allowing me to be faculty-in-residence. 

Most educational institutions have a policy of investigating all claims of this nature, whether they are credible or not.   Obviously I don't know your institution but I would be surprised if no investigation happened.   This is going to be part of your jacket moving forward.

I'm pretty sure she would violate the order. I don't really think it will keep her from contacting me or others.../../... I doubt the threat of a fine or contempt will change that. But it does make it a whole lot easier for me to know what to do. Violation=document and call the police.

probably.   but I don't see the order as about changing or controlling her behavior. I see it as protecting you and your family.  Your family needs to be protected from the worst excesses of her behavior.   Behavior that will probably escalate before this is all over.   Your job needs to be protected.   You need to be protected.

He encouraged me to do it myself. Not sure exactly why, but that was his advice.

I would suspect he is trying to find out how hard you will fight for your own rights, how hard you are willing to push back against criminal / dangerous behavior.

I would suggest you file the order of protection as rapidly as you can.    It should help with the work situation you are now in.   and I would suggest you enforce the PO each and every time she breaches it.   I can see no reason that slow walking this works to your benefit.

'ducks

[formflier]

I would suspect he is trying to find out how hard you will fight for your own rights, how hard you are willing to push back against criminal / dangerous behavior.

This makes sense.

OK, you have a lot of stuff to document.  I'm doubtful you have to put down every instance.  I would hate for you to wait another day or two while you are trying to "completely" fill out the form and not miss anything.

I still think it's a good idea to fill it out how he has instructed you (if he has given instructions) and once you think it is filled out and ready to turn in...probably a good idea to check with him.

Note:  If he has given you instructions and you feel confident in what you need to do...I fell much better.

I'll come right out and say it.  Please don't "take the edge off" any of the stuff that has happened.

Do you know if your state has a system that pretty much automatically issues one at filing and has a hearing later if the other party wants to contest it?

 

Best,

FF