I feel disloyal just being here

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been with my husband for 17 years, married 14...we have one D(11) and I have 2 SDs (28 & 25). It has been a difficult journey but it's always felt like completely the right thing, until now. I've started to think, is it just an abusive relationship? Am I that idiot?

There's so much detail and I'm so sick of detail, of the endless BPD recollection of who said what and when and why that was slighting. We got together when my own mental health was incredibly poor and I was very self-destructive.  I've got better over the past 5 years, and my husband hasn't, and I don't know where we go with it. Also I've been cutting down on my Fluoxetine over the past 6 months so am much less tolerant and more irritable, which is exacerbating things. 

I don't know what I expect from here - I feel guilty being on here, and am writing this secretly, which does't feel very healthy... But here I am.

[Carruthers]

I have been with my husband for 17 years, married 14...we have one D(11) and I have 2 SDs (28 & 25). It has been a difficult journey but it's always felt like completely the right thing, until now. I've started to think, is it just an abusive relationship? Am I that idiot?

There's so much detail and I'm so sick of detail, of the endless BPD recollection of who said what and when and why that was slighting. We got together when my own mental health was incredibly poor and I was very self-destructive.  I've got better over the past 5 years, and my husband hasn't, and I don't know where we go with it. Also I've been cutting down on my Fluoxetine over the past 6 months so am much less tolerant and more irritable, which is exacerbating things. 

I don't know what I expect from here - I feel guilty being on here, and am writing this secretly, which does't feel very healthy... But here I am.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Carruthers]

I realised I didn't really say much on here, as was feeling too guilty, so have asked my husband if he minds me going on a forum for support.

He was diagnosed about 14 years ago, after we had been together for a few years and had a really terrible, destructive time.  He was married with kids when we met and I was with someone and we got together in a very dramatic "great love" sort of way fuelled by alot of alcohol. My mental health problems meant I had alot of exes in my life who I was friends with, and my previous boyfriend had accepted that as normality but my OH found it unbearable and blames that for his BPD. We gave up alcohol together in 2006 so that has helped, but has led to my OH feeling isolated and friendless as he is excluded from masculine culture.

I hate the sound of my own carping voice though; my mother complained relentlessly about my father and I fear that I have turned into her. My father was a difficult man (but not with BPD), but so was my mother, so I can accept that maybe I deal extremely badly with the BPD and if I could handle it better, life would not be such hell as it is at the moment.

But, to do some carping, I really struggle with having to be blamed for everything, for not having a life of my own (I have been trying a day a week job but it hasn't worked out as my husband is too ill from the abandonment and then the days afterwards are spent in  recovery)of not being able to do anything but listen/follow someone else's whims; of the "angry toddler" aspect of my husband...I'm finding it really hard at the moment, which I guess is why I'm here.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear C-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.  There are many people who share your feelings of sadness, isolation and confusion.

You’ve no need to feel *guilty*.  You’re looking for help staying IN your marriage, NOT for a way OUT.  Perhaps if you can see it that way, you’ll be able to share more readily and obtain the kind of help you want?  You do NOT have a “carping” voice.

C - We are very honest on this forum and it’s a safe space for you, for all of us.  Before we talk about steps for the future, I’m curious about something, and I may be completely off the mark here.  I sense you have discomfort tied to the past with your BPDH.  Are there loose threads you want to address?   That you *need* to address?  Not necessarily with him, but maybe more for yourself?   I’m asking this because much of what you speak about relates to the past, and not the present.  Although yes, your present IS painful and changing things from here will move you forward.

Additionally...

How is the relationship with your D, your stepdaughters?  Yours and your H’s.

What prompted your decision to stop your meds?

Any therapy for your H’s BPD?

I’m hoping both you and your H feel good about yourselves for leaving alcohol abuse behind.  You’ve reason to feel proud.

Please stay.  There IS hope.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Carruthers]

Thank you for your response Gemsforeyes.

To answer your first question - yes, there is alot of unresolved stuff in our relationship, to do with when we got together.  I partly put that down to the BPD thing of the past not receding  - the PTSD element - so my BPDH relives the traumatic events from when we got together over and over and it comes up often and often in our lives... It feels like it's impossible to live in the present because for my BPDH the past (or at least, certain parts of it) are equally present.

As far as the kids are concerned, both of us have always tried to create as much stability for all of them as possible, which in my BPDH's case means him acting being okay in front of them, which he finds very exhausting.  He can be very protective of them from my family (which I think is normal, not a BPD response!) as I have a rich sister with kids the same age, so he has always been very sensitive about his kids place in my family.   The kids themselves are great, and seem unaffected by the BPD.

I am trying to come off my meds because I've been grinding my teeth dreadfully and I know there is a link with Fluoxetine, so I want to see if that's the cause.  Also I've been on it for a decade and feel like I need to experience life without it for a while, at least.

My H has had therapy of various kinds over the years, and it has massively improved things in many ways, but there's always a kind of brick wall he hits where it stops helping.  But he does have an awareness of his condition which helps.

Thank you again for connecting.