Lost in a sea of mixed messaging...

[fracturedfractal]

 

I don't know where to begin. I've never been in this scenario before... I am a giving, loving, patient, and kind person... and I thought I'd met my soul mate. I very well may have, but saying it's complicated doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. I don't know how to react when my partner is in the middle of an episode (which is what I've started calling it, for lack of better terminology)... I feel as if I'm constantly jumping through hoops and walking on eggshells, and even if I do or say what he says he wants, it's never good enough, and he changes his mind again. I know his illness isn't my fault. I know my actions aren't to blame for his illness. I just want to know how best to be supportive. I feel like I've tried everything I possibly know how to do, and it's just not good enough. I don't know if he'll ever be able to be in a healthy relationship... When things are great between us - they are OUT OF THIS WORLD, amazing. He's a beautiful human, with a heart of gold. And then something will trigger him - which is always a moving target - and he completely shifts. He's verbally abusive, cruel, and overwhelmingly angry. I don't know what to do, and all I want is for him to get help...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi fracturedfratcal, and

i called them episodes too .

the long and short of it is that what you are likely referring to has to do with emotional dysregulation. our loved ones have short fuses, and when that fuse explodes, look out, at least until they reach baseline.

at the same time, what youre facing is bigger than that. you love someone who gets out of sorts, but you also love a complicated, difficult person, who struggles, even in the best of times, even when you can get through.

thats really step one when it comes to keeping an even keel with a difficult loved one. know that there will always be struggles. dont get too caught up in the good times vs the bad times. they can even coincide.

the good news is that there are definitely ways to deal with a difficult loved one, whether theyre at their worst, or whether the situation is still reasonably workable (and you no doubt know that those can be two very different things). none of it is intuitive, but it can be learned, practiced, even mastered.

[Carruthers]

Hi, that all sounds very familiar!  How long have you guys been together?

[fracturedfractal]

Hi, that all sounds very familiar!  How long have you guys been together?

We met and started dating at the end of April/beginning of May. It's complicated - as every relationship can be, but especially when personality disorders are involved - and here's an overview of the story.

We met online, complete happenstance, not through a dating site. Neither were seeking a relationship, but were immediately drawn to one another. Both of us had been undergoing a spiritual awakening of sorts, which only strengthened our connection, because we could talk about what we were experiencing together, that others in our immediate circles weren't so keen on discussing/didn't understand. His background: he had been on traditional anti-depressant, anti-anxiety meds for 16 years. He believes he was misdiagnosed with BPD, so much so that had even pursued litigation against the doctors, but didn't follow through with it. His previous partner of several years suggested he try a different protocol, as the meds he was on weren't working in the sense that he didn't feel like himself, and experienced the zombie-like side effects so common of many mood altering/stabilizing medications. He worked with a different physician to taper off his meds, and began pursuing a holistic treatment plan. This worked - but in my non-clinical opinion - only because he was not in a relationship and was living alone, completely isolated for the majority of the time. It makes sense that things would be somewhat successful when you remove your primary trigger from the equation: other people. In his words, he was beyond stable, he was experiencing ultimate joy and happiness for the first time in his life... and it lasted for a year. To me, it sounds like some sort of prolonged manic episode, but again, I'm not clinically trained, and even if I were, I shouldn't be diagnosing my partner. Anyway, so he was in this ethereal, joyous state for almost a year, unmedicated, and treating himself with his own version of behavior/holistic therapy, focusing on breathing techniques, meditation and yoga, nutrition, and exercise. In his words, it was bliss. He started on a spiritual journey that led him to a sense of awareness that was calming and soothing to him, and he was happy.

And then I came on the scene. I met him at his apex, and we fell head over heels in love. I'm not impetuous when it comes to decisions, but I thoroughly believed he was/is my soul mate. I'd never felt a connection or love so strong for someone. We discussed him moving over here - he lives in Northern Ireland, and I live in the United States. We discussed having a family. Everything was amazing... until it wasn't.

Initially, I thought perhaps it was just him getting off his routine - the time difference made for the both of us shifting our schedules unexpectedly. The episodes come and go, but when he's in the throes of one, it's exceptionally abusive. I would love nothing more than to be able to support him to work through his trauma and illness and try to find stability, but I don't know that it's possible. I know it's not personal, and I don't take it as such. But just because I recognize that it's his illness that is manifesting in this way and not how he feels when he's well, does not detract from the damage he does when he's sick. I can put up boundaries, but he violently smashes through them. If I go inward and just let him "vent" his irrational frustrations (aka berate me for things I have not done), eventually it wears on me. I shouldn't have to tolerate abuse, even if I know it's coming from a place of illness.

I wonder if the most loving thing I can do is leave, because even though none of this is my fault, being in a relationship is a trigger for him, and by default, that means I am a trigger for him... no matter how loving or supportive I may be. I have never dealt with anything remotely similar to this, and it feels like a constant mine field, and always a moving target. I've never loved anyone any more in my life. I love him so much I am willing to let him go, but I don't know that that is the right answer, either. I know that no one else can tell me what to do, and am not asking for help with making that decision. I believe that will come with time, if it is what needs to happen. However, in the meantime, what strategies are available to deal with someone you love who suffers and acts out in this way? I have tried the "I cannot speak with you until you are calm" and sometimes it somewhat works, and other times, it inflames him to press harder, and I'll get rapid-fire irrational, angry messages that are all black and white, assuming, telling me how I feel, etc. Any tips?

Thank you... it helps just to have someone who understands to listen...

[fracturedfractal]

the good news is that there are definitely ways to deal with a difficult loved one, whether theyre at their worst, or whether the situation is still reasonably workable (and you no doubt know that those can be two very different things). none of it is intuitive, but it can be learned, practiced, even mastered.

hi fracturedfratcal, and

i called them episodes too .

the long and short of it is that what you are likely referring to has to do with emotional dysregulation. our loved ones have short fuses, and when that fuse explodes, look out, at least until they reach baseline.

at the same time, what youre facing is bigger than that. you love someone who gets out of sorts, but you also love a complicated, difficult person, who struggles, even in the best of times, even when you can get through.

thats really step one when it comes to keeping an even keel with a difficult loved one. know that there will always be struggles. dont get too caught up in the good times vs the bad times. they can even coincide.

the good news is that there are definitely ways to deal with a difficult loved one, whether theyre at their worst, or whether the situation is still reasonably workable (and you no doubt know that those can be two very different things). none of it is intuitive, but it can be learned, practiced, even mastered.

Hello, there. Thank you for the reply and the encouragement. Any help with what those ways to deal with a difficult loved one are, or what resources I should explore? I'd love to learn and practice anything I can to help make this better for both of us, before simply throwing in the towel and saying he can't handle a relationship. I love him, and just because he's ill doesn't mean he doesn't deserve love. However, as things stand, I cannot persist in a relationship that is so damaging to me. We need to find a way to reach and stay closer to that baseline. I appreciate any help you can give.

Thank you so much...

[once removed]

the quickest, best place to look is the Lessons at the top of the board (or here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0)

theres a wealth of resources here, though. it can be hard to know where to start, it can be hard to put into practice what youre learning, and there can be a great deal of trial and error.

in my experience, what helped was diving straight in, but then asking questions about what i was learning.

[fracturedfractal]

Thank you, once removed! I appreciate the guidance.