Family guilt (new here)

[mermaidinjeans]

Hello there! Newbie here.

What is the type of relationship?  
My grandmother has NPD and BPD. Several other family members have either diagnosed BPD or BPD-like symptoms.

I also have a friend with BPD, as well as an ex who was diagnosed after our breakup.

What is the status of the relationship?  
I’m estranged from my grandmother and most of that side of my family. I’ve talked to my grandmother once in the past 4-5 years.

How is the current status working for you?
Great! Except for the fact that my parents (especially my father) frequently guilt-trip me over not contacting my grandmother. She’s in her 90s now and has only gotten worse in her behavior with age. I have no desire to reconnect with her.

What is the top challenge you face with your loved one?
My parents believe I have an obligation to allow her back into my life. After some long honest conversations, my mother is much better about it, but not my father. And my father is a big part of the reason I hate my grandmother (yes, I hate her, it doesn’t consume me or anything but it’s the truth). She was extremely emotionally and physically abusive to him and his siblings.

What do you struggle with yourself?
I struggle sometimes with the fact that I don’t feel guilty about cutting her out of my life, and that I have no love at all for her anymore.

I feel resentful about the guilt trips, but I also understand where my father is coming from. I wish I could talk to him about it without him getting defensive or passive-aggressive.

I’m also dealing with my ex with BPD being back in my town after 8 years. He moved across the country and got married, but now his wife is working in my organization. She and I were in a meeting together last week. I don’t know if she knows who I am (probably not), but it still shook me more than I thought it would. I’m more annoyed than anything - I’d hoped that I was done with him. But it’s causing some stress on top of the grandmother guilt trips.

Thanks for “listening.” It’s a pleasure to meet you all.

[LuLuLife]

Hello! 
I am new here too.  I felt a connection to your response to how the current situation is working for you.  My MIL is about to be 89, undiagnosed BPD and gets worse with age.  I find it is becoming more and more difficult for her to flip the scripts of any situation to make herself the victim.  I also felt a connection when you described your anger with your grandmother and how your father was raised.  My husband was basically (and still is) a whipping post for my MIL and has spent his life being the person to blame all of her problems on. 
Thanks for listening to me. 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi mermaidinjeans! 

Welcome! You'll find a lot of us here who can relate to what you're going through--there are many of us with parents and grandparents with BPD who have had similar experiences.

My parents believe I have an obligation to allow her back into my life. After some long honest conversations, my mother is much better about it, but not my father. And my father is a big part of the reason I hate my grandmother (yes, I hate her, it doesn’t consume me or anything but it’s the truth). She was extremely emotionally and physically abusive to him and his siblings.

I presume that this is your father's mother. Are your feelings towards her based purely on how she treated him, or based on your own experiences with her?

I feel resentful about the guilt trips, but I also understand where my father is coming from. I wish I could talk to him about it without him getting defensive or passive-aggressive.

How has this affected your relationship with your father? You mentioned that he gets defensive or passive-aggressive when you talk to him. Does he seem respectful of your needs and boundaries otherwise?

Having an ex show up in your life after some time can be pretty jarring too. Do you see any similarities in what's going on with your family and your feelings and experiences concerning your ex?

Welcome again--there's a whole community here to support you.

-GG