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Author Topic: I am trying to slowly cut her off  (Read 210 times)
schlorby

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Off and on
Posts: 3


« on: October 02, 2020, 04:36:58 PM »

I'm so glad I found this place, because I can relate to so many stories here. I need to put out into the world what I've been going through for six months, because I feel like I've been slowly losing my sense of self from this relationship. I will try and explain the key points of what has happened in the past six months. This is going to be quite long, so if anyone reads this, thank you. I just need to get all of this off my chest.

I wrote a longer version of this and realized it was just too long, so I'm gonna try again and hope that it's shorter.

I'm 21, she's 26, this is all long distance. I've never met her. In this post I'll refer to her as M.

I met M in a groupchat in April. One night, we started DMing and ended up talking all night long. For the next week, we were talking literally 24/7 except for bathroom breaks. After the first week she told me she cares about me deeply, she dreams about me every night, etc.

I was put off by this, but I was really into her too so I didn't give much thought to it. On the 11th day of us talking, she confesses that she really likes me and has feelings for me. She asks if I do too. I say I like her but I will probably need more time to see how I feel, since it hasn't even been two weeks.

The next day, she starts telling her friends that she met this perfect guy who feels the same about her and she is ecstatic. I felt like things were moving too fast so I told her that. She ended up crying for two hours on the phone, saying that there's no way I care about her, that I led her on, I'm a liar, etc. All I said was that I wanted to slow things down.

After that explosion of a fight, we stopped talking for a day, and she gossiped about me in a secret groupchat of over 50 people who know who I am and my social media and stuff. This felt very horrible, because I don't like having my personal life gossiped about on such a wide scale.

Eventually this spilled over into a group chat of over 500 people, cause people started talking about how someone mistreated M. I was never mentioned by name, but it still felt really bad.

To cut to the chase, we started talking again and things got more serious, and then in mid June I cut her off because I realized I was extremely depleted and did not feel like myself anymore. All of my emotional energy was going toward being there for her, having petty arguments that I had to let her win, and reassuring her that I care about her.

The people in the giant group chat of over 500 people got word of this and started calling me a human virus. They all hated me, and I lost every friend I ever made in there. I never told my side of the story to people cause I didn't wanna be that guy. She told people that I cut her off and went no contact.

I left the big group chat because there was no point in staying. Eventually in July we started talking again, and I tried to remain friends with her. I ended up trying to console her because things were going very poorly in her life. She was facing losing her job, and she had no idea what to do. I'm an empathetic person and I really felt for her. That's why I'm such good prey for this girl. Even after she caused me to lose my only friends, and manipulated me countless times, and made me feel like complete garbage, I still wanted to help her.

So we started talking again. Stupidly, I ended up feeling for her again, and it felt like the honeymoon phase again. We were talking a lot again.

In short, it has come to the point where I need her out of my life. I need to move on from her. I am afraid of what she will do if I cut her off abruptly, so I am trying to slowly reduce my contact with her.

Does my strategy here make sense? Is it cruel to drag this out? Like I said, she might do something drastic if I cut her off again. She will do anything to keep me in her grasp.

Our conversations are extremely bland lately. I give one word responses to everything, and she sends paragraphs of text. She tells me about what she did, what her cat is doing, and I literally just say "cool" and then she keeps talking. I've noticed that she does not even care what I say, she just cares that I am listening to her.

She has never encouraged me to make friends, she has never encouraged me to do anything. I know she doesn't care about me, she just cares about the attention I give her. She isn't my friend, she does not want what's best for me. That's why she threw a tantrum when I told her I needed to break things off with her the first time. She told me how unfair and cruel that was.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Am I a complete idiot for letting this go on for so long? I certainly feel stupid, but she's incredibly smart and manipulative and knows how to get to me.

I know that was a lot and it was pretty scattered, so thanks for reading if anyone did. Most of all I just needed to type this all out for myself, but I would be extremely grateful if anyone weighed in.
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BlueSpring
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up/estranged
Posts: 75


« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2020, 11:46:34 AM »

Hi Schlorby,
I don't know.  It all sounds like a whirlwind to me, meeting someone online and communicating in a constant barrage.  Then having her declare her love for you.  That's just not right.  I've been on this site talking about my current disaster with my last girlfriend, but I haven't yet admitted that my ex-wife was also BPD.  I didn't want to admit that I hadn't learned my lesson.  But your story sounds like mine with the first ex.

She bombarded me with e-mails.  It was as if I couldn't get away from her.  So much so, that after a while, I ran out of things to say.  I'm not the chatty sort anyway, so it seemed like a chore to receive e-mail after e-mail, and she'd cop an attitude if I didn't answer.  When we finally did meet up, things went very fast, and why I went along with it is a big, "Shame on me" indictment.  She moved in with me one month after our first date, then we were married only five months after our first date.  Huge Mistake!  We were divorced less than a year later, and what came between was a living nightmare.  You would think I would have learned my lesson and would recognize the signs.  Nope.  I got involved with another one just 3 years ago.  But the second one broke my heart.  The first one just made me angry.

What I want to point out though, is that you really haven't lost that much.  You might have dodged a bullet.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but as I understand it, the friends you lost were just "cyber" friends.  You said you never met her in person, so it seems as if she hasn't interfered with your real life friends.  To me cyber friends are like a fantasy.  They're not real people.  I get a feeling that I'm from a different generation than you, so my take on things is probably different.  I hope I'm not offending you.  I'm trying to help.

I'm thinking about the unstable emotional responses and the vindictive reactions, and I'm thinking that you're lucky to get out now before it gets any worse.  Believe me, I know.  The first BPD was a true nightmare.  She did some awful things to me.  So awful that they caused me to suffer from Acute Stress Disorder.  My ex-wife is truly a monster, and I haven't mentioned her until now, but it seems that my early experiences with her are the same as what you're experiencing with this woman you know, so I'm sharing this with you.

You're right to be wary that things moved too fast.  Trust your instincts.  Again, at this point, you haven't lost that much.  I advise you to cut and run.  You can unload any feelings you have here, and I'll be glad to talk to you and share more.

Take care

Bluespring.
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Gemsforeyes
******
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 959


« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2020, 03:56:04 PM »

Dear Schlorby-

I’m so sorry for your pain.  And I understand that the fact you haven’t met in person does NOT negate the very justified belief that she can and HAS inflicted what feels like damage to your reputation and friendships.  And the hurt that accompanies her actions.  It’s scary and you still want out.

You’re 21, and extremely intelligent and insightful.... for ANY age.  Most people do not recognize the amount of themselves that they’ve sacrificed for a person like this until years in.  Please give yourself credit for knowing this, for being THIS aware.  This is NOT selfish on your part.  This will make you an extraordinary partner for a truly worthy woman. 

I’m not so sure that you need to drag your feet on your exit, but you ought to use care.  Although I don’t use social media (so I’m truly ignorant), but can you make yourself “disappear” from view for awhile?   Like disappear just before you cut the cord with her?  Then you cut the cord.  Take a few months leave... and then re-emerge without fanfare?

And in the next few months, perhaps take a more “personal” approach to living?  Meet people, volunteer, share hikes, bike rides, music outdoors, something new and safe?  Step away from the isolation of your screen?  Just some thoughts for you.

I understand this is difficult.  However you deserve to be free from this person.  She’s done enough.  You don’t need to see anymore.

And when you leave, regardless of how you truly feel, YOU take full responsibility for leaving in what you say to her... “I’m sorry, but I am not in a position to be in a relationship now.  I have things I need to work on.  I wish you the best.  Bye bye.”  And then you completely block and don’t look back.  At all.  And again, you post NOTHING on social media AT ALL.

You ARE going to be alright.  It’ll take some time, but you CAN take your life back. 

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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schlorby

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Off and on
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2020, 11:24:37 AM »

Hi Schlorby,
I don't know.  It all sounds like a whirlwind to me, meeting someone online and communicating in a constant barrage.  Then having her declare her love for you.  That's just not right.  I've been on this site talking about my current disaster with my last girlfriend, but I haven't yet admitted that my ex-wife was also BPD.  I didn't want to admit that I hadn't learned my lesson.  But your story sounds like mine with the first ex.

She bombarded me with e-mails.  It was as if I couldn't get away from her.  So much so, that after a while, I ran out of things to say.  I'm not the chatty sort anyway, so it seemed like a chore to receive e-mail after e-mail, and she'd cop an attitude if I didn't answer.  When we finally did meet up, things went very fast, and why I went along with it is a big, "Shame on me" indictment.  She moved in with me one month after our first date, then we were married only five months after our first date.  Huge Mistake!  We were divorced less than a year later, and what came between was a living nightmare.  You would think I would have learned my lesson and would recognize the signs.  Nope.  I got involved with another one just 3 years ago.  But the second one broke my heart.  The first one just made me angry.

What I want to point out though, is that you really haven't lost that much.  You might have dodged a bullet.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but as I understand it, the friends you lost were just "cyber" friends.  You said you never met her in person, so it seems as if she hasn't interfered with your real life friends.  To me cyber friends are like a fantasy.  They're not real people.  I get a feeling that I'm from a different generation than you, so my take on things is probably different.  I hope I'm not offending you.  I'm trying to help.

I'm thinking about the unstable emotional responses and the vindictive reactions, and I'm thinking that you're lucky to get out now before it gets any worse.  Believe me, I know.  The first BPD was a true nightmare.  She did some awful things to me.  So awful that they caused me to suffer from Acute Stress Disorder.  My ex-wife is truly a monster, and I haven't mentioned her until now, but it seems that my early experiences with her are the same as what you're experiencing with this woman you know, so I'm sharing this with you.

You're right to be wary that things moved too fast.  Trust your instincts.  Again, at this point, you haven't lost that much.  I advise you to cut and run.  You can unload any feelings you have here, and I'll be glad to talk to you and share more.

Take care

Bluespring.
Hi BlueSpring,

I'm really glad that you wrote me. I'm sorry to hear you've been through a somewhat similar situation! I can't imagine how much of a nightmare these sorts of relationships can unfold into. I feel that I've only gotten a small taste of what it is like.

Your reply really solidified my conviction that I need to cut her off and get as far away as possible (as far away as you can get in an online relationship.) The girl I got involved with hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but I feel that I can safely say that she has BPD due to her intense emotional reactions to everything. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy for merely trying to take care of my own mental health. That seems to be a common thread with most people here.

And you're not offending me at all! You are correct, I had never officially "met" any of these online friends. Though, several of them had met up face to face, so it was kind of an odd mix of people who knew each other in real life and people who had never met anyone there. A lot of them lived in the same state so it was easy for them to meet up.

Before all of this happened, I had hopes of meeting these people in real life. I got along with them like I've never gotten along with anyone before, which made this all the more devastating. But now, looking back, maybe it's best that I will never meet them. They very quickly resorted to bullying me, without understanding my side of the story whatsoever. There was a very interesting dynamic where everybody seemed to worship M in the groupchat, so I think everyone felt like they had to take her side.

It could certainly be worse, and this is better than losing connections with close interpersonal relationships with people in real life. Even still, it stung pretty badly to lose all of them.

I really do appreciate the reply, and wish you the best with your relationships moving forward.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2020, 11:31:31 AM by schlorby » Logged
schlorby

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Off and on
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2020, 11:41:29 AM »

Dear Schlorby-

I’m so sorry for your pain.  And I understand that the fact you haven’t met in person does NOT negate the very justified belief that she can and HAS inflicted what feels like damage to your reputation and friendships.  And the hurt that accompanies her actions.  It’s scary and you still want out.

You’re 21, and extremely intelligent and insightful.... for ANY age.  Most people do not recognize the amount of themselves that they’ve sacrificed for a person like this until years in.  Please give yourself credit for knowing this, for being THIS aware.  This is NOT selfish on your part.  This will make you an extraordinary partner for a truly worthy woman.  

I’m not so sure that you need to drag your feet on your exit, but you ought to use care.  Although I don’t use social media (so I’m truly ignorant), but can you make yourself “disappear” from view for awhile?   Like disappear just before you cut the cord with her?  Then you cut the cord.  Take a few months leave... and then re-emerge without fanfare?

And in the next few months, perhaps take a more “personal” approach to living?  Meet people, volunteer, share hikes, bike rides, music outdoors, something new and safe?  Step away from the isolation of your screen?  Just some thoughts for you.

I understand this is difficult.  However you deserve to be free from this person.  She’s done enough.  You don’t need to see anymore.

And when you leave, regardless of how you truly feel, YOU take full responsibility for leaving in what you say to her... “I’m sorry, but I am not in a position to be in a relationship now.  I have things I need to work on.  I wish you the best.  Bye bye.”  And then you completely block and don’t look back.  At all.  And again, you post NOTHING on social media AT ALL.

You ARE going to be alright.  It’ll take some time, but you CAN take your life back.  

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes


Hi Gemsforeyes,

I sincerely appreciate that you took the time to write this. Your reply was very encouraging, and I wasn't sure what to expect from posting here! I thought people might start calling me an idiot or something for letting myself get into this situation, so it's really nice that I was met with understanding and sympathy. And to be fair, I definitely wasn't thinking clearly which is how I got into this mess, so I haven't exactly been "smart" about all of this. But I'm not going to dwell on that too much. All I need to focus on now is how to get out of this situation.

I feel especially silly since this is long distance, but she is kind of blackmailing me in a way with the implied threat of her posting details about how I've treated her, or possibly even pictures I've sent her that I wouldn't want other people seeing.

I'm happy to report that since my original post, I've succeeded in taking my life back in little ways. I hung out with friends yesterday, and I am trying to engage more with people that I've slowly lost contact with over the course of this relationship. I'm a musician and I've been making more music, coming up with ideas, and generally just trying to get myself excited about the future. I have gone days without speaking to M, and it hasn't been bad. She has only sent me one long paragraph about how emotional she is getting over the thought of never speaking to me again.

Can't thank you enough for your reply! I feel so glad that someone understands, and can also reaffirm how toxic these relationships are and how vital it is to get out. I needed to hear what you've said.

Take care!
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Gemsforeyes
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 959


« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2020, 11:32:25 AM »

Dear Schlorby-

Hi there.  I want to check in and see how you’re doing.  I’m glad to see from your last post that you began reconnecting with “touchable” friends, hopefully more appreciative of who you ARE; and also reconnecting with your music - so vital during these times.  Remember who you are... always.

Please let us know when you’ve got a moment.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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