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Author Topic: It's been 4 years since, some things different, some the same  (Read 232 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32

« on: October 08, 2020, 03:28:46 AM »

Hey all,

I posted here around 3 and a half years ago about my relationship with my exBPD that went up in flames. First I just want to thank everyone here as revisiting has reminded me how selfless you all are in helping Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Well, to be concise in my summary, at age  23 each my ex cheated on me and broke up to pursue polyamory. I was distraught as I felt like we had had a great relationship over the 4 years we were together. But so it came to be. In the aftermath I posted here and worried / postulated about the future. Would she come back? Would she realize polyamory isnt for her? If not, would I get over her?

Now, about 3 and a half years after those posts (4 years since the breakup), I guess I found answers to those questions. And they're all quite gray. In some ways, she did come back to me. We actually met up a few times, she would text me how much she missed me, how much she wanted to see me in person. I couldnt resist, we met up and things felt... okay. We clicked while together again, but I knew it all felt wrong. She was still seeing other people, I didnt want to talk about it. Or acknowledge it really. I knew I had to stop it though when I went to her place for what felt like a one night stand, only to learn she was on cocaine. I felt like I was taking advantage, or maybe enabling her lifestyle. So I told her I had to go, for real this time. She was mad at first, I couldnt believe she was getting angry like I was abandoning her. It was the first time she seemed truly BPD since the breakup, whereas she had been claiming recently she was no longer someone with BPD but someone with BPD attributes. But relatively quickly it calmed down and they apologized and we went our seperate ways. Apparently they changed their name too, and she was no longer a she but a they.

And, well... I tried to stick with it ya'll. I really did. I thought No Contact for months would eventually take off the edge. Deep down I knew a part of me was doing it to try and pressure her into wanting me back more. Take the training wheels off sorta as I felt I was still giving her that stability being a semi part of her life. Seemed like it kinda worked too, I had actually forgotten how this played out. They broke it a few times early on with some calls for help. I miss you, I'm underweight, help me. I gave firm answers in response. I miss you too, but we've made our choices. After a month or so they stopped. They never broke that agreement again. Eventually, I did. It came somewhat gradually, but a lot like a wave after about 5 months. I missed them but tried to phrase it like I was doing something healthy. But in the end, we re established contact over text. Still nothing in person, but contact nonetheless.

Talking to my ex is a drug, I knew that all too well by this point. Back at the breakup I tried to utilize it to just get through another day. Hope was the biggest drug of them all, a forbidden strategy that at this point I need to confess. Everytime I felt like I couldn't go on, I made a compromise with myself. Just let a little hope into your life, a little hope she will come back. Maybe you will find someone else, but if not, it's only a matter of time right? That's how I got through those darkest times. And what I had learned at this point in the story, and still feeling now, was that I had become dependent on it. My ex, the one with BPD, had not broken the agreement to tangle us up again. I did. Because it wasnt them feeling a lack of control over me that broke the no contact, it was me feeling a lack of control over them. And that role reversal haunts me.

They werent too emotional about my return now 6 months later, at least at first. My ex was always well minded towards using professional help, and it was showing they were trying to make healthy choices for us. They were concerned, but they understood. It was okay to continue contact, as long as we upheld our boundaries. And this would be the trend. Frankly, I missed the drama. The big emotional outpourings. The feelings and emotional intensity I never knew unless I was with her. But that intensity seemed to generally be behind them.

Well, almost. In the next approximently 2 years that followed there were a few occasions that kept me going on. Strong doses of hope if you will, injected straight into my veins. They would tell me they still thought about me a lot, that they were feeling the same pains I was. Thanked me for how good I was to them during the relationship. A few instances of emotional out pouring did come, once during a night where they self harmed. They told me to stop talking to them so I wouldnt be pulled down with, followed by an apology. The one that always sticks out for me is one late night, after months of the ocassional conversation that never went much further then I miss you too, I received a few messages. "I want to come back to your house. I'm sorry. I want to be part of everything again." I asked if they were okay, didn't get a response. Eventually they texted me again completely ignoring it. Honestly, looking back now it happened more often then I remembered, moments where that dependent side of them came back and I was there with open arms. They tried to reign it back, I could tell. But I was just so willing to get that next hit. One of these messages could keep me going for a month. Even now looking back over the text history I feel it again, like I'm taking another shot. Moth to a flame I guess.

Eventually I caved in and just asked. Was I dumb for still having hope? Am I an idiot for thinking you would ever come back? They said I wasnt, they thought about it a lot too. They didnt feel like they could give a straight yes or no answer, it was too difficult. But they thought about it, still had dreams where we were together. That was enough for me I guess.

A little later they actually called me. The guy they cheated on me with had sexually abused them. I felt like one of the only safe people to talk to. I gave the best advice I could: find a safe place and contact your friends, it'll be okay. Never heard the results of that. I think they're still together. Another time they called me, they were emotionally distraught about a common friend we had from college. Was strangely brought up like an emergency, but didnt sound like it. I remember saying and hearing goodbye over the phone, it sounded so heart felt from them. It juiced me up for another month or so. I got the first images of them I had seen in years sent to me while they were explaining how they had punched themselves in self harm and had massive swelling. Not that they were having an outburst when sending it, just explaining an event that occurred. Was hard to look at them again after all this time, they were all beaten up.

This was now up to about a year ago, and since then things really did calm down. No more photos, no more calls, I miss yous, and so on. I had a bad unrelated mental breakdown that I contacted them for help during. They were calm, professional really. I was disappointed by the lack of emotion, but I knew they were trying their best. Another out pouring came from me when I encountered some memoirs of our relationship at my parents house. I let it out that I was frustrated, that years later hearing back from them was still the most exciting thing in my life. My blubbering was again met with general worry but little emotion. Responses remained cordial. They would take days to respond, like I was a responsibility she was duty bound to respond to but was putting off. Meanwhile I was always eager, wanting more hits of the hope drug to get me through.

The closest I ever got was a message a month or so ago of something they found on the internet that reminded me of them. I had been doing okay regardless as there was a woman I was interested in besides them, but it turned out not to go anywhere. Frankly I'm worried all my interest in this new person was just because they reminded me of my ex. And now... now I feel it. 1 year without a real shot of hope and I have to fess up that it's a real thing that I surviving on. I was hoping I was in a better place due to other factors, and in some ways I am, but after a few nights of disassociating and ruminating on the past, I find myself close to the state I was at during the breakup. Except my borderline ex has the damn courtesy to keep it cordial while I cant. I sent a long message last night thanking them for the relationship, how I was hurting but could understand why they ignored their own message on "coming back home" to me so long ago. Still waiting on the response now, they told me its coming but they want it to be "well thought out and considerate".

It's a wakeup call it feels like. I've been on borrowed time since the breakup. The coping mechanism succeeded in getting me on my feet, getting me that promotion at work, getting me to want to push on. But it hasnt healed me. It's just stitched me back together. And with that hope well drying up its hit me hard. I'm in a sort of crisis mode now, something that would be more terrifying to me if I had not faced this type of thing multiple times before already. But it's still extremely hard to feel the blunt of a breakup about 4 years after it happened. And its affecting my life.

My fears are straight forward. On a surface theres the fear I'll never find anyone as emotionally fulfilling. That first love, found in college blossomed through friendship and bonded together by coping through trauma and hardship together. But theres also that fear I still want to reject confessing. I'm scared this is it between us, I'll never get that hope from them ever again. That impending response I will soon get from them that wont be the hope I wanted but a polite, thoughtful response to an ex gone nutty. I think half of this massive wave was triggered by the thought that, even if we got back together, it will never be the same. No matter if it was with them or someone else, that nostalgia based high of when things were beautiful between us, it was never coming back. And I never fully grieved it. I just tucked it away, under the guise that I would find that love again with another, but with the knowledge that it was always with them that I intended. And now its hitting me what it had always been. A fantasy. One that I am once again waking up from and yet again coming back into what feels like a nightmare.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2020, 03:46:44 AM by Rhomer » Logged
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11762

« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2020, 03:05:27 AM »

i know what you mean, Rhomer.

im a sentimental person. i hate the finality of things. i hate saying goodbye. i hate letting go. i hate even using those words.

And I never fully grieved it.

are you afraid to?

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32

« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2020, 11:33:26 PM »

Hey once removed,

Thank you for the response.

are you afraid to?

I think so. You go for so long in a relationship like the one we had and its hard to let it end in tragedy. It always seemed like the light in the darkness for both of us. Its been hard not to continue to feel that way when we both would continue talking about how much we miss each other and the relationship.

But I think what is more frightening to me is the challenge of having to find another significant other without the handicap of holding out hope for my ex's return. Not only is there that standard fear of rejection, or the unpleasantness I hear that comes with dating, there is also that nagging thought that there will never be someone else as special. While I don't have any other relationships to compare this off of (my ex is the only relationship I've been in), I've seen it been talked about here before and it worries me. How BPD relationships are so high in drama and emotion that it can cause other relationships to sound... boring. Even before I really knew what BPD was, long before the relationship really, I wanted someone I could truly care for. I wanted to be that sturdy source of stability and comfort for someone who was facing a lot, something that could definitely be defined as a savior complex. My ex felt and still feels like this sort of miracle, a person who simultaneously fulfilled that desire while also being surprisingly compatible to me on a number of "normal" relationship standpoints.

So it becomes hard to look to the future now. I'm no longer in college where I was constantly meeting people my age. And I start to ask myself, what are the chances you will find something like that again?
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