I need help...and i dont know where to turn

[Vamlak131]

Hello,

I have been a relationship with my partner for about 6 months now. to be honest it is a bit of a strange situation, i am not 100 percent sure they are Borderline, but a lot of their actions fit that description.

It is a long distance relationship that at the start was filled with shared interests and constant messaging. Eventually this led to calls, video calls, watching movies together while on a call, being intimate with each other, i speak to her children, know their names, birthdays, likes, we share everything that happens in our lives.

The troubles started when i was accused of not giving her enough space. constantly wanting to talk with her all day when she had other things to do. As any normal thinking person would do, i immediately reversed course and attempted to give space while still letting her know i was there for her if she needed me. This was met the next day with comments of, i dont like this, i miss you, i want it like it was before. the very thing i was told to change.

This happened several times, and she seemed irrationally angry, constantly telling me i dont understand, i CANT understand, its just her point of view. sometimes the next day she would be acting perfectly normal while i stewed in self hatred and guilt, sometimes she would not talk to me for a day or two and then we would slowly get back to normal.

Two days ago, i lost my job. In a place many people have been and still are at this time in the world, i reached out to her for support. and was greeted initially with "i love you", but this was quickly replaced with "how could you lose your job".

You see we live in different countries, i had planned a trip, to meet her, the children, and spend time with her. A big step to be sure. but an exciting one when you are head over heels in love with someone. we had spoken about the future, what we wanted out of life, how to get our lives to be together. all of us together.

After i lost my job, she said she was certain of nothing, the future, our plans, and immediately was angry with me, told me the reasons why i should NOT take the trip to see her and the children. I told her the trip was paid for, taking it or not taking it would not change the fact that i had lost it, and i was actively working a part time job and looking for work before the trip. I did not expect to start more full time work until the end of the month regardless.

The reaction shocked me, she said "fine, just forget all about my opinion and what my point of view is". I asked if that meant she did not want me to come, she said "of course i want you to come!". More confusion, more instances when i do not know how to respond.

for the last two days...i dont know what to think. I have made plans for the trip, i have it taken care of. I am actively looking for work and working part time currently. After the first day where anyone would feel down and gloomy, i have expressed lots of excitement and hope about the future. prospects look good! the trip is so close! i can't wait to meet the children! i love you no matter what!

This has been met with largely silence, one word answers, 1 or 2 backhanded comments, "oh how great you have plans" and absolutely NO positive anything. no i love you back, i am excited to see you, nothing. I should mention financially it is a tough time for her. work is not going well, and i have tried to assist when possible and remain supportive always. I am not perfect and obviously we have had fights, where no matter what has happened, it is my reaction that is wrong.

To be honest i am hoping someone can help me. I don't know what to do, dont know what to think, dont know how to act. A friend of mine suggested she may suffer from BPD because of the history of interaction between the two of us. last night i read "walking on eggshells" and alot of it sounded familiar.

If you are someone out there who understands what i am feeling right now, i hope you can help.

Thank you

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[once removed]

welcome. youre in the right place, friend.

what youre describing is pretty "bpdish". i can understand why youre confused.

sometimes there are no win situations, when our partners get worked up to the point of no return. when that happens, its be best to deescalate if you can, learn to take a timeout if needed (learning to do this can take some finesse, and will often result in push back.)

this is a long distance relationship that is, at six months, both relatively new, and relatively far along; relatively far along enough that you would be seeing these problems, relatively new in that as intimate as things have been, as much has been shared between the two of you, you still, at this point, only know each other so well.

that is part of the clash you are seeing.

every relationship has a honeymoon phase. and every relationship struggles when it ends, and transitions to the next stage. even more so...typically far more so, in a "bpd relationship".  you both may tend to want to return to that stage.

the complicated thing is that that stage is over...yet how can it be, if the two of you are set to meet for the first time.

and the fact is, that assuming that you do meet, you are likely to see flashes, even extended periods of that honeymoon phase. you are likely to see enormous highs...but you are just as likely to see even greater lows.

how long is the trip planned for?

[Vamlak131]

The trip is planned for about 10 days. i have a long grueling flight to get there with everything going on.

last night after i did not press for two days and only sent messages of encouragement, she reached out, after some indecisiveness and making me make all the choices we watched a movie. she fell asleep during it. not much was said. but it was time together so i was happy.

i woke up and was hoping it would be a little better but the responses are still the same. i told her my trip was only 7 days away and was told to relax, she will be there. but she can't say anything emotional at all. just oks and facts. i know she is hurting but asking how she is "really good!" i have the human desire to push forward and talk but if i force her it wont do us any good.

The truth is i am just very confused, i dont know how someone i can love expects me to just know they will meet me at the airport when she hasn't been able to tell me she loves me for 3 days. for clarification this has been a constant for both of us for quite some time.

[Gibson56]

My ex was BPD.  The push / pull you are describing was one of the main issues in the relationship.  From my research it's a combination of Fear of Engulfment and Fear of Abandonment.  They want to pull you in, talk to you all day, and be really close.  But that triggers this fear that they are losing themselves in you.  It takes extra work for them to be who you want them to be to maintain that closeness.  So then they push you away.  Sometimes you're way far out floating in the ocean wondering what's going on.  Eventually, this triggers the abandonment fear and they are afraid they are losing you.  (I also think they have a self-fulfilling prophecy that you are going to inevitably leave them one day anyway).  So then you may get pulled back in a bit.  I don't have an answer only describing what I experienced.  In my opinion it made it impossible to have a truly intimate relationship with that person.  I learned to hover in the middle of these 2 fears in order to have a somewhat normal relationship.  Don't get too close, let them come to you, but also don't be too far away, let them know you are there.   

[Vamlak131]

i appreciate the response. That is more or less what it feels like right now.

Compounding issues is i am supposed to be leaving in the trip and the person that is to meet me at the airport is just...not who i have talked to for 6 months. I am assuming me losing my job triggered some concerns for her about alot of things, but reassurance have not done the trick.

Things are a little better today, we are talking more. albeit with a complete lack of any and i mean ANY form of intimacy on her part. i mentioned my trip being close "dont worry, i will be at the airport". Ok well...things have been different. "yes, the days have not been good."

She even made a comment about how the last few days her mind has not been working very well and i need to spell things out for her. i am assuming its a combination of things. but i cannot know for sure. it's worrying, and confusing. and that is why i am here honestly. Not for anyone to tell me what to do, but hopefully to gain some perspectives or tools i can use in an effective manner.

[Vamlak131]

An update on this. This morning it felt like she was coming out of it a little bit. Said she loved me. Wanted to talk. Asked if i would message her today.

All seemed on track and now a few hours later i am left feeling confused and alone again. I asked if she wanted to go to the spa on the trip as it is somethign she enjoys, something we had discussed before, and she responded with, well i like it but i told you, i will do all the things i like when i organize my things.

So im left confused and not knowing how to handle this. Seems like i am the only person in her life getting the cold side of her while she laughs and jokes with everyone else.

I decided i am taking the trip regardless of what happens, but obviously i would prefer if she were excited to see me and not...this way for the whole 10 days.

Is there a way to handle this "push" as it seems to be? Keeping me at arms length no matter what i do?

[Gibson56]

Hmm... I don't think there is a simple answer here.  I'm generalizing but most people who have these types of relationships and a lot of people on this site are codependent.  I was codependent.  Having a relationship with someone who has BPD traits requires extra effort.  Is that relationship worth the extra effort?  You have to be strong.  Focus on yourself, your priorities, and your goals.  Have your own thing going on.  Be the constant in their emotional storms and pretend it doesn't affect you.  They are attempting to regulate their emotional state by manipulating you.  This sets up the rest of the relationship to be dysfunctional if you are not careful.

[Vamlak131]

Hey gibson,

i would say most likely yes i am co-dependent to a point. i have never received counseling but the cold hard truth is, i think i am.

it's a bit funny that i am searching for answers in a place where no concrete answers are to be found really. i suppose the only thing to do is wait. i refuse to start a fight, i have been positive with my messages, perhaps neutral is better at this time.

[once removed]

frankly, i dont think things are likely to change before the trip.

things are just in kind of a precarious stage. she may also be anxious about the trip.

thats to say there probably arent silver bullets or ninja moves to warm her up, so to speak, other than "get through it and get to it".

what i would say is, meet her halfway. dont push. dont try to warm her up. but if she makes overtures, says she loves you, asks you to message her, be receptive, do it. otherwise, just be cool.

but i want to stress that there is more going on in this relationship, in how it is evolving and devolving than meets the eye; that if the trip goes wonderfully, it is not likely to be permanent peace and happily ever after. you have the advantage of learning about this disorder and the tools at a relatively early stage. begin to think globally about it.