This whole string is enlightening to me. My wife always wants me to drive, but then complains non-stop about it, calling it dangerous, saying I make her car sick, calling me irresponsible for driving like I'm the only one if the car instead of driving like my family was in the car. Driving is a direct control activity, so while it might make sense that someone with BPD would react this way, it didn't help my understanding of how to deal with and react to it because the thought process that goes into it is so foreign to me. All it feels like is arbitrary berating and mistrust which is damaging to any relationship.
I haven't been able to make sense of any of my wife's behavior for a long time, but I internalized it because I cared about her and wanted to provide for her the best I could. I tired to keep the peace and took responsibility where I should not have. I've withstood all the treatment I've read about - anger at driving, rejection of gifts that I put time and effort into planning, disrespectful communication, and worse. I realize now that my efforts to make things better only worsened them. That seems to be a common thread with the non-BPDs until they realize what is happening.
The troubling thing for me is seeing so many posters who have separated from their BPD partner as an outcome. Please understand that I am not being judgmental here: I respect everyone's choices and everyone's experience is their own. It is troubling to me because I am brand new to my enlightenment about BPD and am hoping that there is another viable path because I care for my wife and would like to get her the help she needs to ground herself and release her from the daily prison of fear and anxiety that BPD may be creating for her, and I have children who need a stable parent in their lives.
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel that doesn't involve separation?
We had similar experiences. Rejection of gifts, taking blame where we shouldn't have. Not being able to make sense of the behavior...crazy making blame shifts, crazy making shifting of goalposts, crazy making gaslighting (I never said that, or we talked all about it for 3 months, those kinds of things you know are just completely untrue).
I was screamed at for an hour for making her birthday the "sh*ttiest ever", for giving her a 'stupid card' and and a "sh*tty gift that I got in a the checkout line at the grocery store" (not true), "putting zero effort and planning into her birthday" and "now she had to cover up for me to all her friends".
And get this...
PRECISELY 5 weeks before, she completely forgot my birthday. She had spent 10 months planning a 3 week trip to Europe, down to the hour for each day, knowing it was over my birthday, and did exactly zero planning or effort, nothing for me...no card dropped off before she left, no gift left to open on my birthday, no gift or card sent from Europe to arrive before my birthday, an hour long call ON my birthday and by the end I realized she didn't even remember it was my birthday. I gently, lovingly told her that I think she must have forgotten it was my birthday and I didn't want her to feel bad when she realized it later. Really, that was my concern, for her...that she wouldn't feel embarrassed. I didn't care, honestly and truly...my Dad forgot my birthday too and I told her that to make her feel better. And by the way,
I was taking care of her dog for free to save her $800 in dog boarding fees, taking her for 3 walks a day, even though I'm allergic to her. Oh, and did I mention that
before the trip to Europe she told me she had discovered that "she was going to .25 miles from her ex-boyfriend, I might stop by and say hello to him." She was able to look up an ex bf, calculate the distance to his place, but not get a card for me before she left? BTW, I got up very early in the am to take her and her son to the airport for that trip, that's the trip where I became the "sh*ttiest driver ever" and "I'm never going to ride with you again." She never once in 2 years offered to take me to or pick me up from the airport, I took Ubers for $30 or the train that took 2 hours. Not once.
Yep all true, then she shreds me to pieces 5 weeks later when I actually tried to do something nice and kind and remembered her birthday. BTW, 15 months after the first birthday of hers with us together I called the foot spa where I bought her an $85 treatment to see if she used it. Guess what? She never used it.
And so... you come here and learn that trying to talk sense to them when they are ramped up, staying calm and presenting the facts, or defending yourself from unjust accusations or lies, just provokes them worse. It's because you believe the facts will calm her down, or she'll listen to the facts. This is because you live in a fact-based world and and would acknowledge when someone presents you with facts that you are wrong. You project that kind of self-awareness onto her, I did the same thing.
I highly recommend you read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She helped me immeasurably to make some sense of this. You are essentially operating in different worlds.
So it is shocking to come here and learn that we did the EXACT wrong thing. But, read more from those who are in relationships with pwBPD. They all say it HARD, draining, painful.
Plus, you can't blame yourself for not knowing what to do. How were you supposed to know? You couldn't.
When she ditched me at Christmas, after ghosting me again for 5 days, humiliating me in front of her family, after ghosting me several times in the previous months (and I had weeks before told her how hurtful and invalidating it was, how painful it was for her to ignore me for days..I did it perfectly, calmly, gently, lovingly...she acknowledged she'd been doing that intentionally then immediately turned it around on me and started putting me down, ramping up until she is extremely angry and belittling and out of control, storms out of the store) then she loves me 3 days later, then she ghosts me again...
Sitting at home on Christmas morning alone with her present, not having heard from her in several days, I finally had had enough.
Yes, I still love her. Yes, I still feel for her and miss her. But I simply cannot talk to her about this stuff...she reverses and attacks. She blames and belittles. She denies and shifts. It's impossible to talk to her about anything that she might have done. She gaslights, she yells for hours. She lies.
So, when she called on Jan 1 last year, first time I hear from her in a week...I sent her a text that said I'm trying to stay calm and centered and wasn't up for talking with her tonight. She never responded to that, and I didn't chase her.
