Bpd partner is pushing me away again

[Spikey411]

This will not be short so here we go.

I had been single for 8-9 months doing the best I have ever done. It was March of 2019. I was volunteering at church and met this wonderful woman. We clicked but I thought nothing of it until I noticed later she had added me on Facebook. My heart rate immediately jumped and I was filled with excitement. I messaged her, it went well, we planned to hangout in a couple days. We hung out a couple days later and she basically threw herself at me. Feeling very reluctant and not good, I heard this voice that said “don’t sleep with her” but was not strong enough to stick to my values.
We hung out almost everyday after that for three weeks, she said “I love you” two weeks in and I wouldn’t say it back yet but then I asked her out on Easter. Three weeks in and boom I now have a gf. Shes one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen. She sees things in me I have not seen, potential I didn’t know I had, made me feel like I was king of the world.
I slowly start seeing friends and family less hanging out with her more and more. Still very happy though. Then four months in she cheats on me. Riddled with guilt she writes me an apology letter, sobs for hours and then we decide to stay together. But my world is flipped upside down. I thought she was perfect but that got taken from me.

Fast forward to December of that year, I started to get tired. Tired of the work and effort and something just feels off about her. She can be super nice one minute and then super mean next. We’re still having a lot of fun, I don’t bring up any of my wants or needs, and then New Year’s rolls around. We decide to do acid together on New Year’s, bad idea. She really likes taking it and has a lot of fun and takes it two more times with in the week. This is when she had a psychotic break. She lost all touch with reality, had absolutely no empathy compassion or ability to see outside of her own world. Believed things that were real and had an unlimited amount of energy. She ended up in the psych ward, broke up with me while she was in the psych ward.(I am not doing well watching this happen to the person I love.) Then she got out of the psych ward 2 weeks later. Though we couldn’t stop talking to each other. We didn’t see each other for about three weeks, and then we got back together and ran away to my uncles cabin for a month. Something was very wrong with her I could tell. And she had also been extremely promiscuous. She had slept with some 12 people or so in less than a month.

I have never been so hurt in my entire life. During the time when we were apart, I knew she was seeing other people, I had nightmares so often I was afraid to sleep. Nightmares of her being with other people. During the daytime I couldn’t get out of bed. I would lay in bed for hours and ruminate about what she was doing. How can someone who loves me? Do something like this. How can you love a person one day and then flip a switch and you don’t love him anymore and do some things so dastardly wrong that you know is going to hurt them. I I’ve never been in touch about a spot in my entire life. I dropped 15 pounds almost immediately which I did not need to do. I picked up drinking after not having drank in over a year. And told anyone and everyone that would listen what I was going through, trying to find some kind of understanding. Nothing would suffice.

I struggled immensely after this. So we’re at my uncles cabin and she says she wants to stay with me, feels safe around me like she doesn’t around other people. But she won’t stop talking to all these other men that she had met in the previous weeks. It’s driving me nuts that I can’t get her to see my point of view. Or care about what I feel or have been through. I hate what she’s doing but I can’t seem to get away from her because I know somethings wrong and this is not how normal people act. I also feel partly responsible because I was with her last time she took acid and entered the psychiatric break. Where the sweet charming girl I fell in love with?

Fast forward to today, which is October 17, 2020. We went forward and stayed together after meeting at my uncles cabin, started dating again a couple weeks later, went on a road trip for six weeks with some friends over the summer. Both of us got into individual counseling. She’s seeing a psychiatrist and on medication. I am feeling better and better about what I had gone through. But I know some thing isn’t right. We’ve been in couples counseling for the last two weeks. But on Sunday this week she went through my phone and found something she didn’t like and a switch flipped again.

She’s almost completely cut me off. Says that she wants to break up. I found out about dialectical behavioral therapy, asked her about it last night and it turns out that’s what her counselor recommended. I am sorely disappointed that we have been together for a year and a half and been able to choose each other time and time again, but then as soon as I mess up none of that matters. And just when were at what seems to be the beginning of understanding ourselves and each other. She cuts me off. She says she wants to go through this healing process alone. And that we will both be OK. But when I talk to her it’s like I’m talking to a black hole. I don’t know where the other girl that I date is right now. But I don’t want her to do what she did in February of this year after her psychiatric break. I am scared she’s going to hurt herself further, and hurt me further. And I do not know what to do.

I really want to stay together. I see now that she has BPD and feel as though I am compassionate and empathetic enough to be able to work with her through this. But her and I have not talked about her having this disorder or how to be together while she gets treatment. I know I can’t take her cutting me off personally, because she’s just wired that way. But I am very very sad. I love her so much and I know she loves me to. What is the best way to approach this?

We have not officially broken up yet. But it is headed that way. I know that I’m not gonna be able to get her to care about my feelings. Or be able to relate to how I feel and want to stay in the relationship. Should I leave her alone? Should I move on myself? Should I be there for her in case she needs a shoulder to lean on? Is there anything I can say to her to make her feel understood? Should I wait for her to come down?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Spikey411:
You can't fix her.  She is who she is and her recent behaviors will likely continue.   Unfortunately, not every person you meet in a church setting is suitable for a relationship.  Everyone in church is a sinner, but she is a rather  hard-core sinner. 

Most people with her issues are in counseling for many years.  You need to examine your personal boundaries and why you let yourself get into this relationship.  If your religion is important to you, then you need to examine the fact that you are unequally yoked.

Hopefully, some of your counseling is individual.  Is serial cheating okay with you (12 affairs in 1 month)?  If she gets pregnant, you could be a father to a child with mental illness.  A cycle of break ups is likely to continue.

You are caught up in a very common situation.  She has the ability to make you feel special, but then turn that around and reject you.  You have likely developed an addiction to her, in that you want to hang on and hope to feel special again, if only for a short and fleeting period of time.

Individual counseling should help you sort this out. 

[Spikey411]

That’s exactly what it sounds like. I am very very sad to have now just discovered BPD, but it is helping give me a lot of closure. We are hanging out tonight and I am going to have to set some boundaries around what I’ll accept and then leave it up to her.
She is about to get into dialectical behavioral therapy and I would love to be on the other side of this with her but have been hurt so much already I cant let this go on if she is not going to get help. I have a bag packed of her stuff and am going over there tonight to talk to her. Any recommendation on ultimatums?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Spikey11:
It's good that she is starting DBT Therapy, but she has a long road ahead of her.  You have to decide what you can deal with, whether to make a complete split, or to try and remain friends and in touch. 

Having a sexual relationship with her is risky, and someone with that much activity is liable to get an STD at some point.  If you decide to stay in touch, be prepared for a rocky road and an on/off again cycles. If you stay in touch, be strong in your boundaries.

I'm sure she made you feel special at times, but those times are fleeting. You have to remember the bad times and that they will return, especially this early in her treatment.

You deserve a partner with whom you share religious beliefs, values, morals, etc.  That makes for a happier life.  To have someone that you can count on, raise children with, grow old with, consider an equal is valuable.  A relationship where you are a caretaker can't be a healthy relationship.

Stay strong.