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Author Topic: My detachment - thank you  (Read 862 times)
dindin
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« on: October 19, 2020, 01:16:37 PM »

It's been several months since the discard, break up and ghosting from my ex pwBPD. Today I feel like I reached a milestone of detachment. Nothing in particular happened. But the only moments I even think about my ex is in therapy when discussing my codepnendency, as simply context for my behaviour, or when I lurk here and see other folks struggling with the same problems I am/was. I'm not 100% out of it, but I feel like today I'm a completely different person from when I started posting on this forum in a state of anxiety, hope for a ho over, blaming myself, and obsessing over it. Granted, my relationship wasn't that long (1,5 years) but rereading what I wrote just gives me chills and compassion for my past self.

I dropped magical thinking and obsessing to a very workable degree, almost completely in everyday life. I can work, enjoy time with friends, and not be crippled by flashbacks, nightmares, or sadness. It happens from time to time, but it's minor. And now my battle is with my codependency and narc traits as opposed to making sense of my BPD relationship. I found some patience for myself and recognised that I will be in therapy for a longer rather than shorter time, but the progress and emotional engagment is through the roof. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but nowhere in that process now is BPD present as a scapegoat that I once saw it as - remembering it just proves my codependency rather than puts me in the role of a victim, and therefore lost its sting. It was my wound all along.

Still I have no idea how I would react to a charm attempt, but I guarded myself against it with no contact and boundries specifically communicated to mutual friends that I don't want to be informed of anything regarding my ex partner. It serves me really well and was the single best thing I done in terms of detachment - and it was all thanks to y'all advice. And hopefully once I address my codependency to a satisfying degree, this will not be a problem anymore.

Having said all that, I would really like to thank you all for supporting me through one of the darkest moments in my life. Had it not been for you and my intensive therapy, I have no idea where I would be right now. I am so happy and thankful for myself that I reached out here. I've never done that before and it has been a lifesaver. I owe you all a beer.

As I said my battle is now with CPTSD, and it seldom touches on the subject of BPD itself, so I will be less active here. I might use the childhood forum, so see you there. And once again, you really made a difference in my life. Thank you for the peace your advice gave me  Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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Andy1963
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« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2020, 03:41:04 PM »

Its wonderful to read how much progress you have made
It gives all of us hope, im very early into the healing process and I believe I have a long way to go
My therapy starts this week,  concerned that the therapist will have little knowledge of BPD or CPTSD
Thankyou for posting this as it gives me a glimmer of hope that I will eventually emerge from this living nightmare
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« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2020, 01:37:47 AM »

whats going on in therapy?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
dindin
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« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2020, 02:15:23 AM »

Thanks Andy1963! I'm sure you will be just fine Smiling (click to insert in post)

whats going on in therapy?

We're unpacking childhood trauma. I'm encouraged to discuss dreams, memories, and emotions that were bottled up to this point. Layers upon layers of emotional and physical abuse that I never even recognised as such, that even continued to this day. But most of all, repeated abandonment. This resulted in me cutting all contact with my family, and sadly left me without even my siblings. But this had to be done because there was this toxic dynamic of the faviourite child and scapegoat getting at each other's throats for the sake of saving the status quo with the abusing parents. And I chose to be no part of that. And it is hard and lonely, I lost all family now for real, but it feels like a necessary step. I am encouraged to grieve that and to feel anger.

Some of my mistaken beliefs are challenged, in a CBT fashion. Especially the internalized shame - this f***er is putting a hell of a fight, and is gonna take a loong time to have under control. I am also encouraged to express myself, and in a way I entered a second childhood phase right now.

We also discuss my defense mechanisms as they presented in romantic relationships, and that is the only context that BPD shows up in.

But most of all, I don't know how my therapist does it, but there's a lot of "transferrence" stuff happening. It's like magic when it appears, that I can feel just the emotions I felt directly towards my parents and my ex partners. It's scary how strong and emotionally-charged they are. And it is EXTREMELY hard to admit to that afterwards, but that honesty, if I can muster it, I think is extremely helpful.

Somehow all this just took my mind completely off my ex partner. And I recognised all of this was responsible, at least partially, for why I remained in my previous toxic relationships and didn't set proper boundries.

Any thoughts?
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Andy1963
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« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2020, 02:29:26 AM »

Thats so insightful
I am due to start Therapy this week
However I am concerned at my therapists lack of awareness of BPD and CPTSD
The reason I say this is I have spoken to him briefly and when I touched on both of these he seemed to display a lack of proper understanding
But who am I to second guess
I know I have some deep running psychological scars from my childhood, I have a fear of male figures in authority due to the male figure in my life( i discovered when I was 15 he wasn't my real father) being very physically and verbally abusive
I always expected the answer to any request I made to be 'no'
This has always been with me and has deeply effected my life and career
This may explain why I continued to accept my BPDs abusive behaviour, I was conditioned to it from childhood
So your exploration of this helps me as it explains why we seek nurturing, even if it is with someone who is incapable of giving it
Its almost as if we are hoping that the answer will be yes one day
That there will be a reciprocation of our efforts and for our fears and concerns to be allayed
If that makes sense?
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dindin
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« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2020, 02:33:18 AM »

However I am concerned at my therapists lack of awareness of BPD and CPTSD


You know what, I had the same problem. My therapist just refuses to work with labels the way my narc tendencies for over-analysing would want them to. But I kinda let myself trust my therapist as good enough at least, and at best a true professional. And that trust that even if they don't see or discuss the world as I would but are competent and well-meaning was in itself of big theraputic significance. Don't know if that makes any sense.
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« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2020, 02:41:30 AM »

cutting all contact with my family, and sadly left me without even my siblings.

did your therapist have a take on this?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
dindin
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« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2020, 03:26:50 AM »

did your therapist have a take on this?

Well, it was my decision obviously. I haven't heard any pro and cons from my therapist about the decision itself, just validation of anger and whatever feelings come with it. It is extremely hard and we discuss it at length. I think it's mostly discussed in the context of me feeling guilty about it, angry about it, and also about assertiveness about communicating those emotions with the rest of the extended family or friends. Why? You have something on your mind? It's a very delicate subject for sure.
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« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2020, 03:35:34 AM »

Why? You have something on your mind? It's a very delicate subject for sure.

no, nothing in particular.

im just trying to get a feel for how therapy is going. i know it can be immense.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2020, 08:11:13 AM »

dindin that is great news, lets face it - there is solidarity here, support, but.

You dont owe me a beer - you did this, and it has been hard and courageous for you to do so. Give yourself a pat on the back, thanks for sharing, positive, inspiring.
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Konstantine

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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2020, 08:11:53 PM »

Thank you for the share, dindin.  I needed the hope.

I’ve been trying really hard to detach. We broke up a month ago, I stayed in a halfway house situation and I officially moved my things out of our apartment this weekend while he was out of town.

I’m mostly not speaking to my ex BPD male partner of 4 years, but just this week I slipped with a text about something I’d learned in the realm of psychology and relationships. I immediately felt the shame and low self-esteem that came with doing that. He responded with a personal question and a “I miss my best friend.” but I know I can’t respond back even if a part of me feels lonely and so badly misses him. Another, newer part of me, the one that is learning to “reparent” myself is protective, and reminding me how poorly he treated me and how painful and worthless I always feel when I am around him.

I am “shopping” and trying out a few different therapists. What you said about transference stood out. It just happened to me with one therapist for two weeks in a row. I became so suddenly angry towards her in a way that I often get towards my parents and ex-BPD partner. It’s so weird and it scares me, I’ve actually canceled our upcoming sessions because I feel we’re a bad fit. But I’m not sure that’s true?

She doesn’t like the BPD labels either and keeps coming back to my feelings in the present. It makes me feel like she doesn’t care about the relationship I’ve just been through, but perhaps she actually does know something I’m not yet seeing.

She also implied I was raised in a narcissistic abusive environment. Wha... How much more shock and surprise am I gonna have to endure this year, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)? First discovering BPD, then recently coming to terms with my severe codependency traits... and now, NPD too? Your post has given me a lot to reflect on, and I’m now feeling even more scared about the possibility of narcissistic traits in myself.

How did you deal with all the shock, discomfort and discoveries you were making about yourself during your healing?
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dindin
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« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2020, 04:01:37 PM »

She doesn’t like the BPD labels either and keeps coming back to my feelings in the present. It makes me feel like she doesn’t care about the relationship I’ve just been through, but perhaps she actually does know something I’m not yet seeing.

Haha. Mine didn't care either, and I was also angry about it. But with time I kinda learnt why - because at that stage we still hope for a clousre or some recognition about it, there was still this malignant hope that only if someone listened to our side of the story, things would change, and we project that onto the therapist. When in reality it was all a fantasy and all about ourselves. So why would they want to address it as a separate issue, it's not couples therapy.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  All the things that made you miserable in the relationship are there within you even without that context - is what I mean.

Any therapy that results in strong emotions, like you thinking she doesn't care, is much better than therapy where there is just professionalism and emotional boredom. My advice would be, continue with the therapist that triggered your anger and address it, take it on them, and then explore it. Just my two cents, but what do I know Smiling (click to insert in post)

How did you deal with all the shock, discomfort and discoveries you were making about yourself during your healing?

That is an interesting question. First of all, like you said there is the topic of narcissism. I was literally agonizing over the question whether I have NPD. This was repeatedly stated by my parents and partners - that I am selfish and narcissistic. I heard it all my life. And I internalized this voice so much that I was almost suicidal at the thought of how selfish I am.

What helped me in this regard was twofold.

One - educating myself on the issue. There are a lot of labels and misinformation floating around on the internet. It's hard to make sense of it all, but you have to arrive at your own truth, that intuitively and intellectualy makes sense to you. For me, a lot of easing up of this anxiety over NPD came in the knowledge that codependency, BPD and even full blown NPD have a component of trauma in them, and as such can be thought of as a big spectrum. Each of these presentations has "narcissistic" traits. Narcissism at its core is a defense mechanism, and everyone with a childhood trauma can be said to be narcissistic, even codependents. By the force of this realisation I intellectually admited to having CPTSD, a result of an abusive childhood. I know it's only labels, but precisely because of that, the name CPTSD better shows the reality of what I struggled with - it is a complex problem and in complexity you escape the agony and shame of black-and-white judgment.

Two - being so to speak armed with this knowledge I managed to simply open up and be honest with my therapist, and god knows how hard that was. And what helped me with the question of narcissism was her validation. I made a list of all situations in which I felt narcissistic and discussed them, and told her how it made me feel, etc. And it turns out that only a small percentage of them were maliginant and narcissistic. They were there, but they were a piece of the puzzle. I can be narcisstic at times, but I am not a narcissist - if that makes any sense, which can be said of a lot of us "codependents" who struggle after a r/s with a BPD person. I recognize my potential for narcissim, but not the reality which my toxic parents and partners tried to convince me of. In some circles conerning CPTS this is called catching "fleas" of narcissism by the fact of being brought up by one.

All this was my truth for the time being. And I must say, all this effort made me reach that truth. I think for the first time in my life I trusted myself with a conclusion. It was a nice feeling and ittook care of the discomfort.

When it comes to shock , that was an earlier stage. I simply suffered through it. I went through unbelievable rollercoaster of being almost drunk with joy, to feeling so bad I wanted to self-harm. You can check my earliest posts here - they show what I went through. I just waited it out, not blocking any emotions. I grieved like a mother******. I still do, but the edge is definietly off- for example, lately my ex attempted a hoo ver of sorts, I thought it would be more difficult. I just went on with my day after a 10 minute pause. So yeah, give it enough time to grieve and express true anger and disappointemnt, and you'd be able to do just that.

When it comes to discoveries about myself, oh boy, this is a big one. Every since the grieving came to a slow-down, stuff is just pouring out. Every day, every interaction is like eluminating light onto my patterns, faults, strengths, and behaviours. I get to know myself, and I like myself as a result. I am known and understood. In this, I learn so much, and suffer so much. In therapy and in everyday life, it's like I am allowed to look at myself for the first time in my life. It's agonizing at times. I recognize so much of my flaws and the flaws of my parents, partners and the world in general, I'm kinda rebuilding my identity to have a relationship with this dark aspect of life. But it also works the other way round, even now, even so quickly, I am able to "experience" friendships, work, dating, etc. better. It's hard to explain. I don't know if it makes any sense, or if you want me to explain it better - hope it helps in any way Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: November 05, 2020, 04:16:22 PM by dindin » Logged
B53
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« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2020, 08:19:49 PM »

If she doesn’t like labels, why did she label your parents or parent a narcissist. If she knows NPD, maybe she knows more about BPD then you think.
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