help / support with emotional volatility

[eliason]

Hi all — I've been lurking around this community for a while and posted at least once some time ago but even talking about the issues with my relationship is so... draining. Things have been going better for a little while now, but every now and again it flares up. I'm completely drained and feeling defeated — and to her credit my partner asked how she could help and offered support. That lasted for a few days — but this morning it suddenly became something else where she is the one who is drained and exhausted and she is the one that needs me to support her and this explosive reversal has left me reeling. I get that we're probably both emotionally exhausted but it's particularly painful that she offered and I accepted support only to have the rug pulled out from under me in a way that feels very familiar.


So I guess I just need some support. We just had a conversation which was incredibly confusing and I tried to navigate well but has left me feeling drained. My partner has had some health issues over the past month — scary stuff that has turned out to be fine, so good news — and we've been facing lots of hospital visits and stress on top of COVID- and family-related stress. We've both been extremely stressed and worn out, and a lot of the focus has been on managing my partner's stress during all of this difficulty. Which is fine!



I have a very tough few weeks at work coming up, and I'm feeling very low mood and deflated about myself and work in general — I'm just emotionally exhausted. So my partner asks "how can I support you" — we're making progress in communicating like this. Great. I think for a minute and say "it would be great if you could take some of the load off so I can focus on getting this done. So house stuff, maybe taking care of dinner, not running around every day, stuff like that." My partner seemed to receive that well and things have been okay for a few days.



Smash cut to this morning, when the explosion happened. My partner accuses me of assigning tasks, that everything needs to be exactly my way, that I always play victim, that she does so much all the time and I don't care, that I don't pull my weight, and some other choice words. Suddenly they're re-litigating past fights and somehow we're talking about how I am a irresponsible parent to the kid that we don't have yet. I don't get it. I thought I said very clearly what would help me through the next few weeks, but somehow it was manipulative? I'm just confused about the whole thing and don't really know where to turn.


Thanks for listening to my ramble, usually I can't tell if I'm just over-exaggerating or making things up or playing the victim or deflecting from my own faults — I mean if she gets so angry and upset over these past actions and patterns she sees then they must be really bad right? I don't see them myself and when I try to be objective and step back I just don't understand or see what she's talking about — I feel like a typical human who succeeds and fails just about as much as anyone else, and I feel like I usually go above and beyond to take care of our family and especially to take care of her emotional needs... I'm just confused and tired.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.