Chaos143
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 1
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« on: October 24, 2020, 10:30:15 PM » |
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Hello, I am sort of at a loss and need some advice. I recently got into a relationship with someone who was diagnosed with BPD. Initially I heard about her condition and read up on it and later realized that she had actually caused her living situation to fall apart. She lives with her parents as a single mom and recently the once amazingly happy home has gotten so bad that a huge fight broke out at a birthday party. Drinking was involved but the underlying cause of it we the stress she had been causing on her family. To avoid wasting too much time, this family practically saved my life during my divorce with the mother of my 2 kids. The ex wife was not necessarily a nice person and pulled some pretty messed up stuff after I kicked her out of the apartment for physically abusing our kids. I was broke, single for the first time in 10 years, and was desperate. She cleaned out our accounts, maxed out my credit cards, and then hit the road. I was in dire straights and this family helped me and I wanted to see what I could do to help them, I felt like I owed them for getting me through the hardest time of my life.
The moment I learned she was diagnosed I hit the internet and spent days researching BPD. She is an ex girlfriend but we still stayed close after, i was also very close with her family. I learned different ways to help those with BPD to see what I could do for her and until i could convince her to get professional treatment. Her BPD eventually led to the fight at the birthday and to her being kicked out. Right away I took her and her son in to my place and said they could stay as long as they needed. Not even a day later it led to a sexual relationship. We were back together when the normal intensely happy relationship resumed where we left off 2 years ago. I come from a family of lawyers so I do know that in California, they can’t just kick her into the street and have to at least give her 30 days. She went back and started living there again (we are almost at the end of those 30 days) and is getting ready to pack. This whole time we have kept our relationship a secret because she is separated but still married and I love her family and want to help but I do love her more and am not willing to leave her side for them. She was the person who helped me the most in the past so I feel like I owe her the most. Anyways, this whole month I’ve been paying close attention to everything going on with her, her family, and how they all interact with each other. About a week ago I wanted to talk to her family and explain why I was around more often then usually (but also leave out the secret relationship) so I went through and randomly talked to every single person in the family in a one on one setting about what they felt was going on... and then later sat down with her family all tougher and tried to talk about my findings.. They know about the diagnoses but they were sort of “old school” when it came to mental illness. “Sure she has trouble controlling her emotions but she just needs to calm down and try harder. I’m depressed but I still force Myself out of bed and get stuff done. She can easily do the same.” They were totally ignorant of what she was going through and often did things that made her react worse. They had no idea how wrong about mental illness they were. I myself was offended by their comments because I myself am bipolar and have PTSD. The difference between her and I though is that I’ve had professional help and been dealing with mine for over 20 years. I have mine almost totally under control aside from a few triggers but I don’t see those as bad triggers that need to be dealt with. I had very understanding parents and we had the money for the professional help. They do not and are ignorant to what mental illness is.
I sat down with her parents after I tried to present my findings the day before and was totally shut down. Instead of being direct about my approach I just subtly nudged it into our casual conversation. When she came out of her room she walked over to me and said hi to her parents for the first time in a week and then asked if I Could give her a ride to work. When I got back they asked me why she was so nice to me and how was it when I was around she actually acknowledged they were there. I then had my opening so I took it. I explained mental illness to them through my personal experiences first. My bipolar Was so out of control when I was younger that I would fly into these uncontrollable rages and break stuff. I have seriously injured people in the past as well. I eventually did something on accident and in self defense that caused me to completely shut down logically and I attempted suicide over and over. I was institutionalized but later treated and released. I obviously gave them more details about what I was like back then but they were still totally caught off guard by that. I am a very quiet and calm person and I am probably the most passive person you will ever meet, they did not expect that story to come from me ever in this lifetime. I then was able to explain how to help and told them what I do to help her cope with her BPD. They kept saying she is doing it on purpose, she’s manipulating to get her way and so on and so on. They were right that she does manipulate those around her but she isn’t doing it intentionally and she isn’t supposed even aware she does anything bat at all. I gave her mom advice on how to rekindle her relationship with her daughter and later explained to the dad why she acts the way she does and why she had gotten so out of control lately compared to before. At the end of the conversation, which actually lasted about 4-5 hours, the dad asked me to drop him off at the store and he actually thanked me. He admitted he was ignorant of her condition and actually admitted he went about it the wrong way. He shook my hand and thanked me for what I had done. Within a week, her and her mom were talking again. She used my advice to approach her and it actually worked... the dad. He admitted he was wrong but he’s a stubborn old man so he just keeps his distance and doesn’t argue back when she goes off on him. He learned to just walk away because he will never get through to her when she’s in that state and learned it’s best to just walk away from her.
Anyways, we were working on us and still looking for a place to live because she still needed to move out. I needed a new place myself so we were going to move in together. Unfortunately, this is when she started to go through the rest of her cycle and she started to get a little too aggressive with me. I have been working with her but I still did not know everything yet. Her home situation was getting better so I relaxed a little and I think that is where I messed up. I slipped up a couple times and she totally lost it. I called in from work one day after her and I had a fight but overslept and did not make it in time to the end of her shift to see her. (We work at the same company, her shift ends when mine begins so we spend a few minutes alone together before I go in and she goes home) I overslept and I woke up to 37 missed calls and a total freak out in text. I knew at that point I seriously messed up and that’s when it got progressively worse over time. I had not gotten her to the Point of being able to convince her to seek professional help without her feeling attacked. It went downhill fast and eventually my kids started getting effected by it. I did my best to set boundaries but she had issues with one of them and even though she was great with my kids and her son loved me, I could not let her keep upsetting my kids. They already deal with so much from their real mom that I can’t put them through something like that and I decided to end it. I ended it but I did say I was always there for her and willing to help but she cannot keep upsetting my kids. She didn’t take it well and it didn’t matter how soft I said it, I still ended up breaking off our relationship.
Now, here’s where the problem is. The day after we broke up she went and took a pregnancy test. It came out positive. Now I’m not stupid and I know exactly what you’re thinking because I thought the exact same thing. I decided to take her to the doctor and get a blood test with me in person. But as it turns out she is actually pregnant with my child... now I am in some serious trouble at this point. I love my kids and would never abandon one. She won and I decided to stay and try to work it out. Now I am dealing with the constant black side of her splitting. If I leave, then I abandon my child and will risk her using the child against me in any way she can. I can walk away and be wrung dry by child support and abuse from her while she uses the child against me or I can stay and work it out. The advice I’m looking for now is, is there a way to fix this? She is still cycling and does become infatuated with me one day and then distant the next, she will imply she’s going to have sex with someone else by using super obvious lines like “I want to f*** and since you’re at work you can’t get mad ok?” I know the moment I try and confront her about it, she will twist it and say “why are you assuming I’m going to cheat on you? I never said I was going to do that with another guy did i?” Its a blatantly obvious trap so I tell her “be direct, what do you mean by ‘don’t get mad’ and make sure you be specific.” She then stumbles because she didn’t expect that answer and it threw her off her game. It’s been like that for about a week and now she’s just totally shut down emotionally. The thing is, I do actually love her and I am perfect capable of dealing with the aggressive side of her long enough for her to get treatment. I just need to keep her stable enough to last threw the pregnancy. What should I do? She’s hit that super cold phase where she just sleeps all day and responds to my texts with single lines or even just a single word. She’s totally detached to the point she doesn’t even respond to the love my kids show towards her. Is this the end and should I start looking forward to court? Is there a way to keep her calm? How should I proceed at this point? She is still cool with being my roommate but she has not yet officially accepted me back since I broke it off with her about a week ago. How should I go about this moving forward? Any advice in salvaging a relationship with her or is there no chance of that? If possible i would like to remain a couple for the kids and admittedly she is great with my kids as long as she’s not trying to hurt me in front of them. She has never directly done anything bad towards them and they love each other quite a bit. Is there something I can do to at least keep her happy Long enough to give birth then seek professional help?
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