Where do I Start?

[Concern4mywife20]

I have been working with a therapist for about a year, mostly focusing on and discussing my relationship with my wife.  About a week ago, he mentioned that a number of the situations that I have been describing are similar to the situations of living with someone who is exhibiting traits of borderline personality disorder. He recommended one of Randi Kreger's books and as a result I found this community.

My wife and I met young.  While we were both freshmen in college.  We've known each other for 12+ years and have been married for 2.  I am continuing to reflect and remember so many stories and instances that I've had to accept blame without fully understanding what it is that I have done wrong or risk blowing-up the situation or ultimately the relationship.  I originally started to seek therapy because I couldn't put my finger on why I was having so much trouble questioning my perceptions and felt like I was loosing myself. 

In arguments, my wife often attacks the work I am doing with my therapist and has called me selfish.  I regret early on in our disagreements that I have urged her to see someone.  Ever since she has accused me of weaponizing therapy against her and has came up with numerous excuses on why she hasn't, doesn't need, or cannot find a therapist.  I've gotten to a tipping point where if something doesn't change I feel like I am never going to the have the life that I am envisioning with children and the ability to speak and be heard without constantly being blamed or criticized for not doing things her way.  I am terrified of the concept of divorce or honestly even separation. 

I work a lot in therapy in understanding that this isn't a situation that I can necessarily fix.  But, I struggle to fight the urge, despite logic, to try and fix this for her and for us.  I just don't want to waste anymore time denying and covering-up her behavior.  I don't know if I have the strength to leave her, but I am miserable with situation as is. 

I came here to try to start and better understand what the different roads and paths ahead are like from other people who have experienced and lived through similar situations.

Thank you for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mstnghu]

Hi Concern,

Welcome to the site.  I'm curious to hear some of your stories about what you've gone through with your wife. You'll find that most of us here have lots of similar stories. There are many parallels in the situations we find ourselves in with the BPD people in our lives.

[Concern4mywife20]

One of the most recent stories has been the most damaging to our relationship. 

My wife's Grandmother contracted COVID in July.  She was 95 and told my wife she didn't want to fight or live anymore. 6 people were allowed to visit her to say goodbyes and my wife and I discussed and agreed that she wanted to go and that I preferred to not put myself at risk.  She went and quarantined with her parents for 14 days.  Around day 10 she became very upset with me and criticized that I was making plans to spend time with friends within the constrains of social distancing in similar situations to those we did together before her grandmother's passing.  The conversations continued to mount and escalate.  Her most hurtful claims where as follows:

- I abandoned her after her grandmother's passing
- I never cared about her or her grandmother
- I've made her grandmother's passing all about me
- If I act reckless, make poor decisions, contract COVID, get her sick, she gets her father sick and her father dies of COVID, she will never forgive me and divorce me.

Honestly, I have been exponentially more concerned about the repercussions from my wife for contracting the virus instead of the very serious and real complications that could occur from the disease itself.

We are at an impasse.  I've seen this pattern in her before and with others she loves (her mother and her father).  If I do not accept the reality that she is painting for me, she won't forgive me and we can't move forward.  The longer it goes on, the more ruthless she gets. 

Last night the argument got uglier. She attacked the work that I have been doing in seeing a therapist.  We argued about our lack of intimacy recently.  She claimed that the reason we do not have sex is that through therapy, I have become too selfish to satisfy her-- I've become too self involved. I walked away when she called me "cute little therapy boy."