RECENT INTRODUCED TO MY BF BPD

[patrickg20]

Hi

You can call me Patric, I'm 27 years old and my boyfriend 29.

I've been in an intense romantic relationship with this guy for the last six months now. We created this amazing love, we get along so well.

Since the beginning he was opened about how he has insecurities issues and my main goal was to fill his life with new things to make him feel alive because this way it would make me feel the same. We went on summer trips, we went to the beach almost everyday after work, we were spending lots of times together during the week, our sex are super compatible and also delivering care and affection. I'm recently divorced just so you know and I never had so intense positive feelings in my life as I have with this guy that I'm gonna call him Keith.

Things started to change a few weeks ago when we started to argue by minimal things and it would escalate so much instead of just clearing off after a little while.

I'm the type of person who enjoying teasing sometimes, for example, if you tell me to stop doing something because you claim your embarrassed i will do the opposite just to annoy you in a funny way.

We had a little argument about something super stupid the other day that it ended up escalating so much, I went to his place, took my stuff and drove away. 30m i felt bad and sent this long message apologizing and opening my heart about it. He asked for time, it took him a few days and no response no nothing. I showed up at his place - which it was his bday- with gifts and a letter because I really felt bad about spending his bday apart. He was opened to talk and to get together. We spent an amazing day together. And the upcoming weeks we were always together doing out things super close.

 A week  later i teased him about something silly - music in the car - and he acted super wild and angry which I thought it was a joke, but it wasn't and I took it personal. However I told him I was gonna leave. I called him later in the day hoping to be in a better mood to talk and he was still a little agitated.

We fought over the phone and he sent me terrible things and saying he was done, to me I understood as he was breaking up. He claimed that o triggered him too much, i don't respect his feelings.

I struggle with being ignored or not being listened to. I need closure in a relationship and that situation of waiting or ending like that drove me insane.

An accident of the destiny made me drive in front of his house two days after we had this fight and I spotted a car on his drive away, making me super jealous. It turned out that the way thinys happened that night it looked like I was stalking him, he passed by me on his own car, I turned my car in another street and he thought I was hiding and trying to do something criminal. I drove to his house claiming my things that I left behind and I created a little drama over all of it because he was hanging with his ex which is his friend.

We fought over text after and I ended up being blocked on everything.
Time went by and more and more fights over text because I needed closure, I wanted to talk in person. I apologized and I had a plan to work in our communication, however he was reluctant, delusional and even saying that he was going to the police to file a no harassment order against me.

Lots have happened in between to the point that three days ago he reached me out and apologized.

We talked over text and he introduced me to his struggles with BPD which is something his therapist had told him to tell me and he didn't afraid of my reaction to it.  We met in person later that day we chatted we reconnected and we are trying this slowly. He says he needs time and that he is going to therapy twice a week. He doesn't take any medication, he only smokes weed in order to calm him down, he claims the medication makes him feel like a zombie and it doesn't really work.

And here is me... I am super needy person, I need to be in touch I need to show affection and be loved as well. This guy asks for time and barely communicates back to me. I love him so much, I wanna be able to help him, I know he struggles but I also know he needs to be loved. He doesn't have to be alone. I wanna embrace this and make it work, but the distance we are in right now as he is avoiding meeting or just asking for time, makes me confused. I'm willing to give time when we have an argument or learn how not to trigger him, but the distance is something that makes me feel lonely and sad.

Thank you for reading this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi patrickg20 - Welcome!

I'm the type of person who enjoying teasing sometimes, for example, if you tell me to stop doing something because you claim your embarrassed, i will do the opposite just to annoy you in a funny way. . .

I teased him about something silly - music in the car - and he acted super wild and angry which I thought it was a joke, but it wasn't and I took it personal. However I told him I was gonna leave. I called him later in the day hoping to be in a better mood to talk and he was still a little agitated.     

It's important to NOT invalidate someone with BPD.  Invalidation can occur by word, tone, expression or body language.

A sense of humor is great, but NOT when it is at someone's expense.  Embarassing someone is generally not a good thing to do, even with people without BPD.

Why do you like to embarrass people?  I suspect it's a behavior you started in your teenage years, but didn't outgrow it?  Maybe it's time to modify your use of humor and channel it in a different way.

If you hope to get back with your ex, then quit teasing him.  Although he might take it better on some occasions, best to assume he won't. (at least at this point in time)

And here is me... I am super needy person, I need to be in touch I need to show affection and be loved as well. This guy asks for time and barely communicates back to me. I love him so much, I wanna be able to help him, I know he struggles but I also know he needs to be loved. He doesn't have to be alone.

I struggle with being ignored or not being listened to. I need closure in a relationship and that situation of waiting or ending like that drove me insane.

Give him the space he asked for.  He is going to therapy two times a week & he likely has a lot to process.  He may not know what he wants right now, so don't try to pin him down for your closure. 

Needy & clingy is not attractive. Take time to look at yourself and your own behaviors for improvement.  Learn communication skills that can make it easier for you to interact and react to your ex partner. Should he want to reconcile with you down the road, you will be better prepared.

A good place to start is to go the "Tools Menu" within the large green band towards the top of the page.  A good place to start is to read about "Validation/Don't Invalidate".  Then, you might want to move forward with "Boundaries" and then browse in "Workshops".