Help I don't know what to do

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't read your whole story, just the beginning and the end here - but it sounds to me like whatever her reason is for this renewed contact, she has a very definite plan in her mind. She knows she's unblocking you just long enough to send this and then re-blocking, etc. Also, it's possible to make a huge mistake and send a text meant for your new tall dark and handsome lover to your old lover...but it's not really possible if she has to unblock you to do it, right? So it was intentional - and I would doubt there's even some other lover at all.

If I had to guess, the divorce was a long-term ploy for her all along, wait for it to get finalized to move to Step 2; honestly I'd be suspicious that her plan was just to make you the "enemy" and devastate you...so you'd take her back and her life would be even more pampered.

A dBPD I know very well actually admitted she had an affair...but not "to get revenge" or anything, but because she honestly believed that it would drive her husband crazy with jealousy and then he would be even nicer to her - just like he had done every time she had "attempted suicide". Non-BPD people won't be surprised to hear that's not how it happened; turned out NOBODY really entertained romantic feelings for her, and while the husband took her back he did so "at a discount" making it clear that the incident had obviously decreased his attention and affection for her. She was flabbergasted because she really thought it would play out the same as the suicide attempts - resulting in MORE love and care.

Ultimate moral of the story here though, when he took her back but she was upset that he expressed disappointment and decreased affection and intimacy with her...she literally tried to murder him.

You know your situation better than I do so I don't want to "tell you what to do", but it sounds to me very much like you would not be wise to re-engage, especially where it sounds like she's just putting Step 2 into action of some plan known only to her- and she'll be unhinged if things don't go how she hopes. She's off the deep end, and as difficult as it is for us caregivers to ever wash our hands of a loved one...sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Let her plan die, let her abandon her plots and conspiracies, and then maybe in a few years if she seems to be more stable you can re-engage on healthier terms. :\

I’m on tiktok to show support for my children and she was on there to show support for my children as well (my kids are around 10 and post little videos so we had accounts to keep up with them and put likes on their videos)

I was just notified on my phone that my son had posted a new video.  When I opened tiktok it said she had posted a video and mentioned me in the comments. I clicked on it and it was her saying Merry Christmas. The video appeared as though it was to a general audience and mentions her having a hard Christmas because she lost someone dear to her.   

She did some things in the video that only I would understand.  It was something she had done as her way of flirting with me. It works on me every time and she knows it. This time it just made me sad. I still love her and not responding is so so tough. I just can’t go through this anymore. I don’t know what to do.  I can’t respond to her though even though I would love to hold her in my arms.   

I guess she has tried calling, texting, messaging me on Facebook so this is her next attempt to contact me using another platform.  I just don’t understand it. After everything, the way she left me and tortured me with no contact, letting the divorce go through without even allowing us to speak to try to figure things out, and now contacting me regularly starting 10 days after the divorce is over.   I just don’t understand.

[WorriedHusband]

I haven't read your whole story, just the beginning and the end here - but it sounds to me like whatever her reason is for this renewed contact, she has a very definite plan in her mind. She knows she's unblocking you just long enough to send this and then re-blocking, etc. Also, it's possible to make a huge mistake and send a text meant for your new tall dark and handsome lover to your old lover...but it's not really possible if she has to unblock you to do it, right? So it was intentional - and I would doubt there's even some other lover at all.

If I had to guess, the divorce was a long-term ploy for her all along, wait for it to get finalized to move to Step 2; honestly I'd be suspicious that her plan was just to make you the "enemy" and devastate you...so you'd take her back and her life would be even more pampered.

A dBPD I know very well actually admitted she had an affair...but not "to get revenge" or anything, but because she honestly believed that it would drive her husband crazy with jealousy and then he would be even nicer to her - just like he had done every time she had "attempted suicide". Non-BPD people won't be surprised to hear that's not how it happened; turned out NOBODY really entertained romantic feelings for her, and while the husband took her back he did so "at a discount" making it clear that the incident had obviously decreased his attention and affection for her. She was flabbergasted because she really thought it would play out the same as the suicide attempts - resulting in MORE love and care.

Ultimate moral of the story here though, when he took her back but she was upset that he expressed disappointment and decreased affection and intimacy with her...she literally tried to murder him.

You know your situation better than I do so I don't want to "tell you what to do", but it sounds to me very much like you would not be wise to re-engage, especially where it sounds like she's just putting Step 2 into action of some plan known only to her- and she'll be unhinged if things don't go how she hopes. She's off the deep end, and as difficult as it is for us caregivers to ever wash our hands of a loved one...sometimes you have to know when to walk away. Let her plan die, let her abandon her plots and conspiracies, and then maybe in a few years if she seems to be more stable you can re-engage on healthier terms. :\

I’m on tiktok to show support for my children and she was on there to show support for my children as well (my kids are around 10 and post little videos so we had accounts to keep up with them and put likes on their videos)

I was just notified on my phone that my son had posted a new video.  When I opened tiktok it said she had posted a video and mentioned me in the comments. I clicked on it and it was her saying Merry Christmas. The video appeared as though it was to a general audience and mentions her having a hard Christmas because she lost someone dear to her.   

She did some things in the video that only I would understand.  It was something she had done as her way of flirting with me. It works on me every time and she knows it. This time it just made me sad. I still love her and not responding is so so tough. I just can’t go through this anymore. I don’t know what to do.  I can’t respond to her though even though I would love to hold her in my arms.   

I guess she has tried calling, texting, messaging me on Facebook so this is her next attempt to contact me using another platform.  I just don’t understand it. After everything, the way she left me and tortured me with no contact, letting the divorce go through without even allowing us to speak to try to figure things out, and now contacting me regularly starting 10 days after the divorce is over.   I just don’t understand.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Notice that once you stopped chasing her...she started chasing you.

Can you think back on your relationship and see that pattern before?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

Notice that once you stopped chasing her...she started chasing you.

Can you think back on your relationship and see that pattern before?

Best,

FF

I can, but I don’t understand it

[WorriedHusband]

Notice that once you stopped chasing her...she started chasing you.

Can you think back on your relationship and see that pattern before?

Best,

FF

Why let a divorce actually go through if she still loves me and wants me?

She knew I didn’t want a divorce.  She completely cut me off and out of her life for almost 3 mths

[formflier]

Why let a divorce actually go through if she still loves me and wants me?

She knew I didn’t want a divorce.  She completely cut me off and out of her life for almost 3 mths

These are excellent and very rational...thoughtful questions.  They make sense to you.

Now, take a couple deep...really deep breaths.  pwBPD rarely use the rational part of their brain.  Perhaps better said, when their emotions are going haywire (dysregulation), their emotions overpower rational thought.

Then there is an additional thing where sometimes they have "emotional memories" that don't quite match up to "objective" memory.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  I hope you can deepen your knowledge of BPD and related behaviors and use that to "not take this personally".

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

These are excellent and very rational...thoughtful questions.  They make sense to you.

Now, take a couple deep...really deep breaths.  pwBPD rarely use the rational part of their brain.  Perhaps better said, when their emotions are going haywire (dysregulation), their emotions overpower rational thought.

Then there is an additional thing where sometimes they have "emotional memories" that don't quite match up to "objective" memory.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  I hope you can deepen your knowledge of BPD and related behaviors and use that to "not take this personally".

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

I’ve read so much that I’m tired of educating myself. I just don’t understand.  I can’t think like she does no matter how hard I try.  She definitely misremembers things. I would remember it one way and she would remember it completely different and accuse me of lying or gaslighting her

[ForeverDad]

Your experience, and the others described here in peer support, is precisely why we state that we just can't "stay in communication and be friends".  The relationship hasn't shrunk back to merely less contact, it's over by necessity.

It's not mean, it's just the reality of what must be.  And why 'closure' is something we Gift ourselves since we won't get it from the Ex.

Of course, if there are shared children, some contact is unavoidable, but limited to essential parenting and exchange matters.

[WorriedHusband]

Your experience, and the others described here in peer support, is precisely why we state that we just can't "stay in communication and be friends".  The relationship hasn't shrunk back to merely less contact, it's over by necessity.

It's not mean, it's just the reality of what must be.  And why 'closure' is something we Gift ourselves since we won't get it from the Ex.

Of course, if there are shared children, some contact is unavoidable, but limited to essential parenting and exchange matters.

ForeverDad, did something similar to this happen to you? 

[ForeverDad]

True story... dateline 2008 a few days after the final decree and also a few days* after our wedding anniversary... For whatever reason my ex and I are on the phone, I'm driving and ex asks about the next court date.  We had just spent the past 23.5 months in a lengthy divorce struggle, mostly about custody.  I had weathered child abuse allegations made to CPS, 911, sheriff deputies, police, child therapists, court testimony, urgent care, hospital emergency department, regional abuse center, you name it, it happened.  Even an attempt to put me on Amber Alert!  So now it was finally over - until she violated the order within a month but silly me didn't know that yet.  I just replied "we're divorced already".  She then suggested I take her out to dinner to celebrate.  You can't make these things up.

* final decree was two days after our anniversary

A dozen years have passed, son has aged out of the system and lives with me, especially after the coronavirus panic set in.  She comes by to visit him once or twice a week.  She doesn't talk about the past but... she views the past as me having been so mean, also any comment I make has to be careful or she gets triggered.  I can't even relax with compliments, "That's sexual harassment!" is the predictable retort.

[WorriedHusband]

Now she is emailing me professing her love and saying she didn’t communicate with me because her lawyer told her not to

[AlmostRyan]

Now she is blaming her lawyer for why she was not communicating with you. Notice how she doesn't take any responsibility. It's the blame game. Do you want to keep dancing that dance? I think you have done well to avoid getting back in any unnecessary communication.

Whether the person with the disorder listens to authority or not depends on perceived benefit and potential consequences (or lack thereof). We all do that to some extent, but it is taken to dangerous extremes in the case of disorder. Furthermore, information coming from authorities can be  completely misconstrued or twisted to fit a personal narrative, and then you will be getting that version of what was "heard". I've had to ask my lawyer to tell my spouse's lawyer to remind my spouse to stop having in-person (even if outdoors) playdates with the kids during the pandemic, when county health orders, school teachers, etc. were all frowning heavily on in-person anything. Did my spouse listen to her lawyer? Hell no. In her world, COVID isn't dangerous, but I am, and so are vaccinations. The lawyers and health experts are all wrong, wrong, wrong.

Also, I don't know if what your ex-spouse is doing could be considered as "sucking you back in" at your stage but it seems like a possibility. In my case, I have already rehearsed what I'd say to anything that is beyond a necessary communication related to the kids' health or their exchange: basically a polite "no thank you". And I already got used to being "tested" previously. A feeler is commonly thrown out there, and regardless of what your answer is, the original idea will be canceled, changed, etc. after the response. In my experience, these kinds of communications are just covert ways to gain insight into your status. Being neutral and brief in any necessary responses and sticking to the facts is the best way to avoid being emotionally drawn back in.

[Notwendy]

I think there's some sound advice here, and look carefully at AlmostRyan's post- it's packed with it.

I would encourage you to step back and take a view at the patterns of behavior, not just what is happening in the moment or the current "reason".

Just a short time ago, this woman divorced you. Now she says she loves you and it's the lawyer's fault she didn't contact you.

This is not taking responsibility. But the lawyer didn't initiate the divorce- she did and the lawyer was paid to advise her and represent her. The lawyer is simply doing their job. She's responsible for the legal divorce.

She's been doing all kinds of things that have "worked" in the past. This is expected. The two of you each have your relationship "tools" that have contributed to the pattern, and if hers "work" it's because you reinforced that behavior - you responded to them in the way she wanted you too. Take a scientific look at this. It's positive reinforcement. If a child got candy every time they had a tantrum, they would keep on having tantrums. The child is doing what works for them and in a sense, the parent taught them that it works.

Her behaviors worked because you reinforced them. These behaviors can include manipulative behaviors, threats, declarations of love, being nice- look at them through an objective lens and decide how you have reinforced them.

Your response is up to you. Do you respond the same way you have? Then you are back in the pattern. You have the choice here- more of the same or not.

There can be a cycle to this- push- pull. She pushed you away and now the pull. But the potential for the push away is there. If you see the pattern, not the here and now, it will help you make a choice of what to do.

[bendinthewind]

I don't have any great advice here for you but I wanted to say that I hear you. I feel your pain, and can empathize with it. I'm so sorry that you're having such an impossible time. I am familiar with that feeling.
After a particularly difficult month, I am currently asking myself the question "should I stay or should I go?" and I know that nobody can answer that except myself. I have to figure out my own limits and strengths and quantify if I can take this on or not. The realisation that the moods and difficult behaviours could be due to BPD is at once a relief (no he's not just a moody bastard!) but it also feels a life sentence for both of us. My husband is extremely intense emotionally and I always thought of myself as super resilient and strong but this year has really pushed us all to the absolute limit I think. For those of us with mental health issues at the very least.

I am sending you good vibes for patience, self-love and strength. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Deep breaths.

[formflier]

I too want to encourage you to read the advice on this post several times.  It will help you begin to understand.

Also be kind to yourself and realize that "understanding" the ins and outs of pwBPD is a long process and much of it is like learning a difficult foreign language.

In addition, I would like you to read the article below a couple of times.  Don't try to understand everything about "drama triangles" at once.   


Article to help you understand her "switching roles" or "switching approaches"
 
After reading it, then think about her "offer" to you that you accept that "her lawyer" was the reason she said or didn't say things.

What role is she attempting to cast the lawyer?

What role is she attempting to  accept for herself?

What role would she like you to play?

Again...be kind to yourself if this seems really hard to grasp.

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

I have been in contact with her a little.   She is messaging me quite a bit, but she is going back and forth between loving me and becoming angry.  She easily gets focused on the same false allegations and is convinced I’m a lying, cheating, and manipulative person. She even brings up the fight when she left and has all these wild versions that just didn’t happen. 

It’s been really tough because I’m still crazy about her and love her so much, but I know I’ll never be able to convince her that these are all delusions.  At the same time I’m worried about her. Her mental state seems to be on a downward spiral that started about a year ago and really picked up steam around July of last year

[WorriedHusband]

I too want to encourage you to read the advice on this post several times.  It will help you begin to understand.

Also be kind to yourself and realize that "understanding" the ins and outs of pwBPD is a long process and much of it is like learning a difficult foreign language.

In addition, I would like you to read the article below a couple of times.  Don't try to understand everything about "drama triangles" at once.   


Article to help you understand her "switching roles" or "switching approaches"
 
After reading it, then think about her "offer" to you that you accept that "her lawyer" was the reason she said or didn't say things.

What role is she attempting to cast the lawyer?

What role is she attempting to  accept for herself?

What role would she like you to play?

Again...be kind to yourself if this seems really hard to grasp.

Best,

FF

I think she is just blaming everyone but herself. Anything she can do except accept blame. 
Her role is always that of the victim. I think to her my role goes back and forth between rescuer and persecutor.

[ForeverDad]

...but she is going back and forth between loving me and becoming angry.  She easily gets focused on the same false allegations and is convinced I’m a lying, cheating, and manipulative person. She even brings up the fight when she left and has all these wild versions that just didn’t happen.

My ex did that too, rehashing prior perceived wrongs over and over, demanding apologies, over and over.  I was unable to cure her of that.  To me it - and everything else - was the signal that the relationship had imploded.  I doubt you can cure yours either.

Her mental state seems to be on a downward spiral that started about a year ago and really picked up steam around July of last year.

We were married for nearly 15 years but in the final year my marriage was imploding, my then-spouse would rant and rage and then rush sobbing to the guest bedroom.  She really looked like she was falling apart.

But after we separated she totally changed.  We had a child together and she thereafter was hellbent on blocking me as a parent.  I never saw moaning any more.

You can't fix her, you're more a crutch than a support.  What I'm saying is that, if she chooses, she can take care of herself more than you expect.  But as long as you are there she likely won't.

[once removed]

people often act out the unresolved issues from a failed relationship, as they grieve it. this is not unique to bpd traits, although it can be especially so.

it is rarely if ever productive.

i think it would help to see what she is doing in the context of that.

its not a question of her sincerity, per se.

shes hurt. shes reacting to that hurt, and shes swinging wildly in two different directions. shes hurt about what shes accusing you of. shes probably hurt because she, on some level, wonders whether or not her accusations are reasonable or true. shes hurt because she just went through a divorce, and while i suspect that is what she wanted on some level, it may not be entirely. for example, sometimes people initiate a breakup or a divorce to break through to the other person, to be heard, to teach them a lesson, whatever.

i dont know the extent to which your loved one has grieved the relationship, and how much she ultimately wants the divorce vs how hard shes struggling with it at the same time. i dont know if thats possible to know.

i can tell that it is confusing you, and i think it will help to see this for what it is: extreme confusion on her end, and to, as best you can, not get too caught up in it. not get too caught up in further confusing yourself, or trying to unconfuse her, at least, in a reactionary way eg "you cheated" "no i didnt i always loved you".

because if you want her back (youre on the Bettering or Reversing board), while you dont want to outright dismiss her concerns, and the conflict between the two of you would need to be resolved, whats more important in the short and the long term is the big picture, and the big picture is...big. the two of you just went through a traumatic divorce. there are longstanding, unresolved, real issues that you will need a well thought out game plan and new strategy for tackling. if you jump right back into this (you may be headed in that direction), it will end, probably quickly, with both of you in even greater pain.

she blames the lawyer because thats an easy in back into contact. weve all done it, to lesser or greater extremes, and for a person that is struggling with loss and grief, its the emotionally easier thing to do. see it for what it is. shes soothing her grief. shes struggling with the loss of you, though that does not, ultimately, necessarily equate with wanting to get back with you in the long term.

the task before you, which, in fairness, is enormous, is not to try to read between the lines of whether she wants you back or not. i suspect she does, and she doesnt. the task before you is to determine, seriously, soberly, whether this is salvageable, and how.

[lateappointment]

Hi WH,

I think she is just blaming everyone but herself. Anything she can do except accept blame.

The way I've interpreted it with my partner is she feels something painful, and because she can't figure out a way to fix it internally, she tries to find some resolution outside.

For instance, she hears me mention a female friend. This makes her feel insecure and worry about cheating. A healthier person might use their rational thinking to reflect whether it's a real threat, do some research, have a discussion to learn more about that other person and establish boundaries... or just accept these feelings, decide not to worry too much about it, and move on.

This is really difficult for my partner. She'll think about the threat all day, every day, and imagine catastrophic scenarios. It's like a loop where the bad feeling grows bigger and more painful the more she thinks about it. She can't accept it and make room for it. "Their emotions overpower rational thought," as formflier said.

So instead she gets the world to change - I need to avoid talking to female friends, my sister needs to unfriend my ex on Facebook, my coworker's girlfriend needs to dress more conservatively. She ends up blaming anything but herself, because that's the only way she sees to address those feelings.

She expects other people to think the same way, too. Like she assumes that if I ever feel attracted to a female friend, I'll end up cheating on her, I think because she doesn't see how I could feel something and choose not to act on it.

I'd be curious how much of this you feel applies to your ex, and I hope 2021 brings you lots of positive changes.

[dustyandbiscuit]

Appreciate I'm late to the party, and have nothing insightful to offer.

You have kindly shared your experience and I must admit so much of your experiences felt so similar to mine.

I can see the push/pull cycle you've been living and it breaks my heart, I've been going through the same thing.

[WorriedHusband]

people often act out the unresolved issues from a failed relationship, as they grieve it. this is not unique to bpd traits, although it can be especially so.

it is rarely if ever productive.

i think it would help to see what she is doing in the context of that.

its not a question of her sincerity, per se.

shes hurt. shes reacting to that hurt, and shes swinging wildly in two different directions. shes hurt about what shes accusing you of. shes probably hurt because she, on some level, wonders whether or not her accusations are reasonable or true. shes hurt because she just went through a divorce, and while i suspect that is what she wanted on some level, it may not be entirely. for example, sometimes people initiate a breakup or a divorce to break through to the other person, to be heard, to teach them a lesson, whatever.

i dont know the extent to which your loved one has grieved the relationship, and how much she ultimately wants the divorce vs how hard shes struggling with it at the same time. i dont know if thats possible to know.

i can tell that it is confusing you, and i think it will help to see this for what it is: extreme confusion on her end, and to, as best you can, not get too caught up in it. not get too caught up in further confusing yourself, or trying to unconfuse her, at least, in a reactionary way eg "you cheated" "no i didnt i always loved you".

because if you want her back (youre on the Bettering or Reversing board), while you dont want to outright dismiss her concerns, and the conflict between the two of you would need to be resolved, whats more important in the short and the long term is the big picture, and the big picture is...big. the two of you just went through a traumatic divorce. there are longstanding, unresolved, real issues that you will need a well thought out game plan and new strategy for tackling. if you jump right back into this (you may be headed in that direction), it will end, probably quickly, with both of you in even greater pain.

she blames the lawyer because thats an easy in back into contact. weve all done it, to lesser or greater extremes, and for a person that is struggling with loss and grief, its the emotionally easier thing to do. see it for what it is. shes soothing her grief. shes struggling with the loss of you, though that does not, ultimately, necessarily equate with wanting to get back with you in the long term.

the task before you, which, in fairness, is enormous, is not to try to read between the lines of whether she wants you back or not. i suspect she does, and she doesnt. the task before you is to determine, seriously, soberly, whether this is salvageable, and how.

She has going back and forth with me.  She is obsessed with her accusations that I’ve been cheating and am seeing someone now.  I never cheated and I haven’t been dating.  She has been insisting that I admit it and I told her that I would not admit to something I didn’t do.  She gets angry and starts to tell me how bad of a person I am. She hinted around that she has been on a dating site and talking to other men. It’s very upsetting to me and she doesn’t care that it upsets me. She has made up some false version of me and she believes it.  It’s a tale of paranoia and entirely false. 

She is also stalking me on social media and the internet. Actually on Friday she went crazy on me sending a lot of messages on Tiktok. I have an account there to keep up with my kids, but I don’t post videos or anything.  I guess somehow she was able to see what videos I had liked on there. She went crazy about me liking some videos on narcissism.  She then sent about 10 messages about how I am the narcissist.  I never even replied and haven’t heard from her since.  I ended up having to set my account to private.  I guess when it’s public people can see the videos you’ve liked

[WorriedHusband]

Hi WH,

The way I've interpreted it with my partner is she feels something painful, and because she can't figure out a way to fix it internally, she tries to find some resolution outside.

For instance, she hears me mention a female friend. This makes her feel insecure and worry about cheating. A healthier person might use their rational thinking to reflect whether it's a real threat, do some research, have a discussion to learn more about that other person and establish boundaries... or just accept these feelings, decide not to worry too much about it, and move on.

This is really difficult for my partner. She'll think about the threat all day, every day, and imagine catastrophic scenarios. It's like a loop where the bad feeling grows bigger and more painful the more she thinks about it. She can't accept it and make room for it. "Their emotions overpower rational thought," as formflier said.

So instead she gets the world to change - I need to avoid talking to female friends, my sister needs to unfriend my ex on Facebook, my coworker's girlfriend needs to dress more conservatively. She ends up blaming anything but herself, because that's the only way she sees to address those feelings.

She expects other people to think the same way, too. Like she assumes that if I ever feel attracted to a female friend, I'll end up cheating on her, I think because she doesn't see how I could feel something and choose not to act on it.

I'd be curious how much of this you feel applies to your ex, and I hope 2021 brings you lots of positive changes.

That pretty much describes her exactly.   I’m at my wits end. I love her and care about her, but she has made me into something I am not.  I will never convince her otherwise.  I do wonder if she ever doubts herself and wonders if she could be wrong. 

[WorriedHusband]

Appreciate I'm late to the party, and have nothing insightful to offer.

You have kindly shared your experience and I must admit so much of your experiences felt so similar to mine.

I can see the push/pull cycle you've been living and it breaks my heart, I've been going through the same thing.

It’s a constant heartbreak.   She only sees the flaws.  There is no reasoning with her.  Just when I think we might be breaking ground then something gets her angry again. 

[once removed]

are you ready to try a very different approach?

[WorriedHusband]

are you ready to try a very different approach?

Now she is being all loving.  I have not met with her in person.  After 3.5 mths, I’m kind of getting used to the lack of constant drama and walking on eggshells. I don’t miss the constant accusations. I don’t miss her always thinking I’m gaslighting her and twisting my words.  There is a lot of things that I miss, but I’m starting to think that maybe she did me a favor because I would have never left her. 

I actually spoke with her last night. She has been dating.  She now wants me back.  She told me a few stories of her experiences dating about how rude and vulgar the dating scene is.  I really think she has just realized I’m a good person and that the grass isn’t greener.  I think she realizes I love her unconditionally.   This all makes me feel somewhat vindicated, but at the same time it makes me sad because that just means she wanted something better only to realize what she had wasn’t that bad.  It makes me feel like a winner by default.

As much as I love her, I don’t know if I can do this anymore.  I have decided to meet her for coffee, but at this point it might just be for closure on my part.  I never got to see her after she left and she had me blocked until she contacted me 10 dats after the divorce.  I have a lot to think about, but I definitely view her differently now that the fog has started to clear.  It might be time to let go.

[formflier]

Why not actually see how sincere she is about what she has realized?

There is no "cost" or "danger" to her in meeting for coffee.

There is a tremendous potential for you to end up in FOG again..."at coffee".

However, if she wanted you back and was willing to meet you at a therapists office..well...to me that would demonstrate she has had some insight and is potentially willing to discuss serous matters.

Listen...if you want her back "as is"..then please don't hear me give an objection to your choice.  If you want her back "realizing" certain things...DO NOT take her word for it during "coffee".

How does all of this come across to you?  What do you think?

Best,

FF

[WorriedHusband]

Why not actually see how sincere she is about what she has realized?

There is no "cost" or "danger" to her in meeting for coffee.

There is a tremendous potential for you to end up in FOG again..."at coffee".

However, if she wanted you back and was willing to meet you at a therapists office..well...to me that would demonstrate she has had some insight and is potentially willing to discuss serous matters.

Listen...if you want her back "as is"..then please don't hear me give an objection to your choice.  If you want her back "realizing" certain things...DO NOT take her word for it during "coffee".

How does all of this come across to you?  What do you think?

Best,

FF

FF,
She isn’t going to take any real responsibility in her actions.  She just realizes now that she was wrong.   She is an LCSW and she wouldn’t go to therapy. She would probably recommend that I go, but she is never going to go herself. 

I think you are right though.  There is no danger in meeting for her, but for me the risks are high.

[formflier]

 
She isn’t going to take any real responsibility in her actions.  She just realizes now that she was wrong.   She is an LCSW and she wouldn’t go to therapy. 

How does it make you feel or think about this situation to believe she believes she was wrong?

What if you knew or believed that she didn't think she was wrong?

When you read that someone realizes they are wrong, yet won't do anything to correct that...how does that affect the way you think about them being wrong.

I think you are right though.  There is no danger in meeting for her, but for me the risks are high.

I'm glad you understand this.  How does this realization affect the way you see the meeting/future.

Best,

FF

[ForeverDad]

She has been dating.  She now wants me back.  She told me a few stories of her experiences dating about how rude and vulgar the dating scene is.

My ex tells stories... about her work.  A month or two ago she gave every detail about some conflict at her work.  Then last night while visiting our son she told that same story all over again, in great detail, dissing her coworkers, as though it had just happened.  After she left I asked whether this was that prior incident or was it a new identical incident.  He didn't know.

I would warn that the pattern here is blame shifting, "I am great, everyone else is the problem."

I really think she has just realized I’m a good person and that the grass isn’t greener.  I think she realizes I love her unconditionally.

"Danger, Will Robinson!"  (Allusion to a 1960s space adventure Lost in Space where the robot gave a warning every episode when danger was detected.)  You are setting yourself up for disaster if you think a few months apart has Gifted her insight into how good you are.

BPD is a disorder more evident the closer the relationship.  You've been apart so the behaviors have lessened.  Get back together again and well... the roller coaster starts again.

Also, she's been dating?  After barely a few months apart?  Not a good sign.

[WorriedHusband]

Well, it didn’t take her long. She is going from loving me to hating me. She is blame shifting and she hasn’t changed at all. She called last night to talk about us meeting for coffee today. She was all giggling and giddy then literally 2 min into the conversation out of nowhere she became irate and began cussing me and talking bad about my family. She started texting me immediately being hateful, cussing, and blaming me and my family for everything.  The text kept coming in and all incredibly hateful. 
Like always she called me a liar, cheater, narcissist, and gaslighter.  Then she accused me of getting it from my mom who she then called a bitch and a narcissist.  I then wrote her a long text telling her that I love her and always will but it’s time for me to let go.  I told her goodbye and blocked her