What are my next steps with estranged daughter?

[NorthernMom]

Our 17 (almost 18) year old daughter was diagnosed with Social Anxiety in early 2019, but in retro-spec her complexities over the past 6-8 months have progressed to be very inline with BPD.  She may not be (yet) on the severe side but hits the majority of the traits.

After a tumultuous summer and even more emotionally charged weekend in Sept, she left for university (now living in residence) and has basically been estranged from us since then.  Save for a couple financial-transactional conversations/texts, she wants nothing to do with us.  Her Dad and I are the villains.   My consideration for her being a BP is upon reflection and seeing so many traits in her that I now see were present before, but I didn't connect the dots until mid-Sept when everything seemed to just upend in our world.  Even though I had her psychiatrist send a referral to the campus psychiatrist, with a request if possible to assess her for BPD, I will never know what came of that.

Our daughter does connect regularly with my parents and 2 of her older step-siblings, for which we are grateful.  They are trusted family members who know of our concerns for her mental health and know that she would be better served to continue with counselling and psychiatric support (which she stopped in the summer).  However, I feel alot of guilt that I cannot even parent my own daughter effectively, while she inserts some of her deceptive and unstable behaviours into other relationships.

Eg.  She leaves the impression with her older brother that she is spending Christmas with him, but tells my parents she is looking to work over the holidays at her part-time job. 

Eg. She tells me (in a bitter text) that she has no plans to continue on with her studies in January, so don't bother with the education funding plan.  But she tells her grandparents she plans to continue with her studies and is just waiting for me to deposit the funds to make tuition payment.

Eg. She implies to her grandparents that she is looking for a place off campus, leaving them worried and perplexed at the notion because she isn't of legal age to sign any lease, cannot manage money at all (every $ she earns is spent almost immediately on non-essentials) and doesn't have an income nearly sufficient to support herself.

Her bitterness towards her Dad has been festering and has come up like a wack-a-mole over the last 2 years based on a situation of infidelity 3 years ago.  At the time, I thought she was part of the reconciliation, but it is the crux of her anger towards him now in full force and she has called me a brainwashed wife of a cheating bleep-bleep.
It's not that her resentment isn't founded, but it now has come with false accusations and false memories that fuel her hostility and in her mind justify her abrupt behaviour in Sept.  I can list off at least a dozen events this summer that were entirely false after I did some back checking but her version of events is insistent and un-relenting.

I have been reading about the S.E.T. communication method but she won't answer the phone, so I leave simple short supporting messages every couple of weeks.  She is kind, thoughtful, energetic and engaging with these other family members, but estranged and bitter with us...and sort of trying to play us off against each other.

I plan to see a counselor and setting up an appointment because I need a place to 'dump my stuff' without it being with friends and family.  My husband is strong, but this is taking a large toll on him.  He looks exhausted all the time.

Is there anything you can offer for what my next steps could be for reconciling or going in that direction with my daughter?
This is not the daughter I knew at all.  I grieve the loss of the amazing rel'ship I thought we had (even though I look back and see the rollercoaster that it actually was with my rose coloured glasses on).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome!
Estrangement is hard, hurtful and puzzling.  I am currently estranged from my adult BPD son.  Good for you for getting your own therapy and coming onto this forum!  You will need a network of support to help you  navigate.
Here is some reading from this forum on estrangement:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296973.0
You actually are parenting her effectively.  I know it looks different than what you thought, but don't doubt yourself.  She is on the cusp of becoming an adult and it's looking like she is not choosing the therapy route to get better at this time.

As much as you can, give her the space she craves from you.  She will be back in touch when some realities hit her ( the school financing for one).  You could use this space as a way to steer clear of her bouncing around ideas/ various states of mind  at her other family members. 
The nonsensical ideas and flights of fancy are very common with BPD , as their moods change, so do their thoughts / plans/ how they see themselves/ their college majors, their friends...etc...etc...   however, you don't have to change and twist yourself into knots with her as she goes through.

You are on the right track!  Keep writing to us as you are able.  We understand what you are going through..

[NorthernMom]

Thank you!

She texted me yesterday (yay!) and it started off with seemingly decent tone.  Then... deteriorated rapidly when she realized that quitting school at end of this term and finding a place off campus in the next 2-3 weeks was not something that was going to happen magically, nor was I going to financially make it happen.

She threatened to live in her car in a Walmart parking lot...well it's MY CAR I should say.

So I left it, reassured her that she has a family who loves her very much.

Today I sent her a text outlining the steps to find a place between now and end of April, supported her desire to live independently and how to start a savings between Jan to April that will put her in a much stronger financial position, encouraged her to use time on her side to plan, research places, learn how to budget (she cannot hold onto a dime!) and offered to help her towards that goal.

Thank you for the article.  Boy does it ever hit home.

[Swimmy55]

Good for you! Hold steady and manage expectations .  Don't be disappointed if she doesn't "get it"/ rages etc.  Life and you continuing to establish boundaries   taking care of yourself will be her best teachers here.  Keep us posted, please.