My life with a borderline

[eomr99]

Hello to the community. Thanks for reading this.

Briefly, I'm a 50 year old man married for 5 years to a woman who has many of the traits common to BPD people. She has never been officially diagnosed, but it's complicated.

What follows is going to sound like I'm being a victim and am blaming my spouse for everything that is wrong in the relationship. But I fully take responsibility for making things worse at times, having the exact wrong approach, and lashing out at her as well. OTOH, I'm going to let it all out, from my perspective, and see if my feelings are shared with anyone else.

I never knew anything about BPD until about 2-3 years ago (maybe?) My wife didn't show many signs of it, that I could tell, while we were dating. After we got engaged is when the yelling and blaming started, the roller-coaster moods, the splitting (from reading and research I know what that is now). Back then, I loved the adoration phase of it. I loved that she seemed so into me, that I was her hero, that I was so great. What man wouldn't? What most guys want is to be the hero in their woman's eyes. The man. So I guess I let my ego believe that I was that great guy. That feels good. What feels equally bad is when the tables are flipped. When she criticizes me, belittles me, attacks my insecurities, coaxes me into fights where we both say the worst things about each other. I hate the way I act in these situations. Sometimes yelling back and and criticizing her is the only way she'll stop badgering me. I used to leave and take a walk, but that makes it worse because she accuses me of abandoning her.

Right now she is seeing two therapists and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist refuses to diagnose her with BPD because he doesn't believe in it, he calls it PTSD or "childhood trauma". This complicates things because her own doctor won't treat her for the disorder. He is trying intensive therapies to try to resolve the past trauma.

What was so confusing to me then (and now) and must be confusing to others is how you go from perfect to an absolute chump in seconds flat. I still struggle with that. It doesn't make sense on a logical level or an emotional level.

She has a lot of challenges and then so do I because this is what I have to deal with:

- I'm positive she has BPD
- her dad was an alcoholic and verbally abusive
- she's depressed right now
- she's been told by therapists that she's ADHD
- she has serious anxiety
- she is on multiple prescriptions
- she has a heavy dependence (addiction) to pot. It is the only drug that curbs her anger. She is angry and rageful almost all the time when she's not on pot.
- she has various health problems over the years and is very often telling me about what's wrong with her body (real and imagined).
- she had breast cancer a few years ago (she's fine now) and I know that still scares her
- she is a classical musician and all her gigs are cancelled because of Covid so she is around the house all the time. This makes her stir crazy, but at the same time she's terrified of getting the Covid virus.
- she is furious at my ex-wife for any number of things and constantly accuses me of putting my ex first over her.

And to top it all off, my job requires me to work about 1/2 the time out of town (I'm a pilot). So she's by herself a lot. Imagine that, a borderline who has a husband that literally has to "abandon her" half of the week.

I'm reading the book "Walking on Eggshells" and what drew me to that one is just the title. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time. I avoid topics I know will cause fights, I withhold information, I tiptoe around my own house while she's sleeping for fear of waking her up (when she's sleeping is sometimes the best peace I get). I don't share a lot of my needs or feelings because I think she's already so overwhelmed with her own, how can I add more stress on top of that? I try to make peace above all else or it's a fight. A lot of what I do makes things worse and causes mistrust and distance between us.

On a bad day she feels so good in her anger. She feels so righteous. She feels so betrayed. She feels so mistreated, so misunderstood. She feels the world is out to get her so she is justified in lashing out and attacking back. I really think she justifies everything by feeling that she is the victim and is being horribly wronged, so whatever she does or says is OK, she's merely giving back what she's getting.

I have to get this out: the things she said to me over the years have hurt me very deeply, to my core and are so very hard to forgive. I have plenty of my own insecurities, flaws, imperfections, shame and embarrassment. But I don't think anyone thinks their spouse will exploit them and use them in a fight. I've felt harshly criticized about my looks, my masculinity, my sexual performance, my mental health, my communication, my partner skills, and what really hurts, my parenting of my daughter. What else is there? I've asked so many times, why does she even want to be with me?

At some level I've told myself she doesn't really mean it. That's the only way I can accept it. She has also praised me for a lot of the very same things I've listed above. So which are her true feelings? I don't know.

How are we making this work at all? I believe we're together because we did fall in love and there are genuine feelings there. She is very loving, fun, and warm sometimes. But lets face it, we are also together because of my tendencies. I'm clearly codependent, very insecure, passive and avoidant. At the same time I feel responsible for her. I put her needs first because I feel my needs don't matter (or are less important, she's in crisis after-all, right?), she's ill, she couldn't make it on her own, she'll have a nervous breakdown, there's a pandemic going on. Plus we built a life together, enjoy a lot of the same things, and want to be together. She also wants to get better, thus all the doctors and therapy. She's looking for answers on how to feel better so we can have a more stable life. Problem is, nothing is working. We've tried marriage counseling twice and the counselors couldn't tame us enough to make progress (she ended up hating one after a month, and the other just wasn't a good fit for either of us). We are trying another. She had an expensive "life coach" for a year, waste of money. She's been through 3-4 therapists in the last 2 years. I don't know if they had enough experience dealing with borderlines. It ended up just being "talk" and while she feels good talking to them, nothing sticks, nothing gets better for long.

By the way: I've had therapy too. I've talked with someone for over two years, but now I'm done with him. He was good at listening, but had no suggestions and seemingly no experience about how to deal with borderlines. He avoided the topic when I brought it up, why? so as not to diagnose her from afar? I came in every two weeks hurting and all he ultimately did was listen to me vent. Disheartening.

How can I not feel trapped in this situation? How can I not feel helpless and hopeless? It's not like we're not trying. We are trying, but nothing is making the situation better by much. One step forward, two steps back. When she's sedated she can be calm, but we have so many ingrained resentments and unresolved issues. When we try to talk it devolves into a fight after about 5 minutes. The anger always comes back, there's always a new thing to stress about, to keep her mad, to keep us on the roller-coaster. I want peace in my household and a chance to fully relax and be myself, be loved. I don't see how to get there.

I'll just say that these are my feelings. They may not be entirely accurate or fair. I won't be offended by challenge, but some understanding would be nice. No one I know understands how I feel or the extent of what I'm going through. No one.

If you read all this, wow, thank you so much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi eomr99, and

Back then, I loved the adoration phase of it. I loved that she seemed so into me, that I was her hero, that I was so great. What man wouldn't? What most guys want is to be the hero in their woman's eyes. The man. So I guess I let my ego believe that I was that great guy. That feels good. What feels equally bad is when the tables are flipped.

What was so confusing to me then (and now) and must be confusing to others is how you go from perfect to an absolute chump in seconds flat. I still struggle with that. It doesn't make sense on a logical level or an emotional level.

simply put, and perhaps over simply put, your partner is prone to over emoting. that means shes prone to extreme feelings, and expressing them in extreme ways.

youre the best, youre the worst. the truth is really somewhere in the middle. you know youre not a perfect man. but youre doing your damndest. she doesnt always (usually) see that middle ground. to navigate these relationships, you have to. you have to navigate by not over investing in the idealization, or the devaluation.

i know that when i was in it myself, the question i asked myself repeatedly was "how could someone profess to love me, and then say these things about me?". you love a very difficult person.

we have so many ingrained resentments and unresolved issues. When we try to talk it devolves into a fight after about 5 minutes.

this is what you need to worry about, predominantly. lots of couples fight a lot, and yet, make it work. what it all really boils down to, is how two people handle conflict, whether it is resolved, and whether it is resolvable.

there is hope, eomr99. tell us more about the most recent conflict(s) the two of you have been having.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi eomr99 - Welcome!

I fully take responsibility for making things worse at times, having the exact wrong approach, and lashing out at her as well.   

You have the power and responsibility to control your own emotions, your interactions and reactions. Check out the "Workshops" here, learn certain communication skills and strategy and then practice them.  A good place to start is with "Boundaries" and "Validate/Don't Invalidate (relating to feelings)".  You can find links to those lessons, within the "Tools" menu, inside the large green band towards the top of the page.

A couple other helpful strategies, Don't Jade and SET, can be found at the links below.

DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) and avoid circular arguments

HOW TO FORMULATE A "SET" STATEMENT

What feels equally bad is when the tables are flipped. When she criticizes me, belittles me, attacks my insecurities, coaxes me into fights where we both say the worst things about each other. I hate the way I act in these situations. Sometimes yelling back and and criticizing her is the only way she'll stop badgering me. I used to leave and take a walk, but that makes it worse because she accuses me of abandoning her.   

Have you ever talked about this situation in advance of an argument? Have you discussed it in couple's therapy? If you haven't talked about it in couple's therapy, why not?

When you start enforcing boundaries, it's common to initially get bad reactions. The important thing is to be consistent with a boundary, or behavior will never change. 

YOU: When she engages in argument and verbal abuse, you need to set a boundary and remove yourself from the discussion.  Be sure to tell her each time, if you are leaving to go for a walk, and at least give her a clue about when you will be back (i.e. I'll be back in an hour, I'll text you in an hour, if I'm not back by then)

HER: She needs a therapist who can coach her through changing the script in her head, when she has the irrational thought that you are abandoning her.

Common cognitive tools are out there. One approach is for her to challenge the thought: i.e. "How do I know its' true (that he won't come back from his walk?)

Another method is distancing from the thought: 
1. He's not going to come back from the walk.

BECOMES
2.  I'm thinking about him not coming back from the walk

BECOMES
3.  I'm noticing that I'm thinking about him not coming back from the walk.

NOTE:  Each statement steps back a little and makes it see less powerful.

she is on multiple prescriptions. She has a heavy dependence (addiction) to pot. It is the only drug that curbs her anger. She is angry and rageful almost all the time when she's not on pot. 

What meds does she take in addition to the pot?

Her dad was an alcoholic and verbally abusive

Right now she is seeing two therapists and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist refuses to diagnose her with BPD because he doesn't believe in it, he calls it PTSD or "childhood trauma". This complicates things because her own doctor won't treat her for the disorder. He is trying intensive therapies to try to resolve the past trauma. 

We've tried marriage counseling twice and the counselors couldn't tame us enough to make progress (she ended up hating one after a month, and the other just wasn't a good fit for either of us). We are trying another.

One thing to consider is that her father had an untreated mental health issue & drank to self-medicate. Her father's verbal abuse could be part of the problem and perhaps she is copying some of the verbal abuse.  I'd tend to wonder if there is some issue with brain chemistry and/or wiring that is at least part of the problem.

So, if she has successful trauma therapy, is she then supposed to be able to manage her BPD traits (without learning DBT coping skills or some cognitive skills?)

So, you are moving on to a 3rd couple's therapist.  Is your wife able to accept that she is at least half the problem?

I have to get this out: the things she said to me over the years have hurt me very deeply, to my core and are so very hard to forgive. I have plenty of my own insecurities, flaws, imperfections, shame and embarrassment. But I don't think anyone thinks their spouse will exploit them and use them in a fight. I've felt harshly criticized about my looks, my masculinity, my sexual performance, my mental health, my communication, my partner skills, and what really hurts, my parenting of my daughter. What else is there? I've asked so many times, why does she even want to be with me?   

When a woman with BPD is in a devaluation phase, you could be George Clooney and you would still get verbally abused and there would be a long list of what she doesn't like about him and what he is at fault for, etc.

[eomr99]

Thanks for responding so soon. When I have more time I will write again, but I appreciate it. Today I have been trying to absorb some of the info on here. There is A LOT of content and I find myself identifying with so much of it. I've got to keep digging.

Mark--I hear what you're saying. My first post was a let it all out there moment, and not the whole story. My wife is open to change and sees the challenges. I am at a point where I want to work with her with some of these great tools here, and if there is still no progress then it may be time to move on. I recognize I need work on myself as well.

[eomr99]

@naughtynibbler

Thanks for your thoughts. I've read some things here and am starting to change my approach. I have been doing a lot less JADE than in the past. I'm not perfect at it. A lot of the time she wants to argue, she wants me to try to justify myself, she'll challenge me with specifics, "why didn't you do this? why did you do that?" A lot of the time it's just off, her perceptions are just wrong. How do you explain that to someone?

My main question about JADE is this and I haven't seen it addressed: fine, you are not arguing and justifying yourself, you're resisting the urge to be "right", but then what? The topic you're fighting about doesn't go away because I don't have to prove my point and change her mind. If she is in a rage there is no talking about it, of course. She is able to be in a rage for a few days at a time. She is in a rage today. When she's not, she still may have a perception that is different from mine, maybe polar opposite. How is that resolved? How do any of my "betrayals" ever get resolved? She has things that happened 2-3 years ago, that if are brought up again when she is angry will have her fly off the handle like it happened yesterday. How do we handle that? We are just with a new therapist, 2 sessions now. Will she be able to stick with someone long enough to have progress.
 
]]What meds does she take in addition to the pot?

She has taken Ativan for many years for anxiety. She is on lithium right now (started about a month ago) prescribed by her psychiatrist to stabilize her brain chemistry. I don't see much change. She takes many other vitamins and supplements. She is in menopause but not on estrogen because of the cancer risk.

]] So, you are moving on to a 3rd couple's therapist.  Is your wife able to accept that she is at least half the problem?

When she is calm she realizes she is half the problem. She has tried many things (therapists, drugs, self help books/videos) to no avail so far. She is trying and that's why I'm still in this relationship. If she didn't admit to any problems on her part I would be out of here. It's just too hard.

Once again, thanks for your thoughts.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi eomr99:

My main question about JADE is this and I haven't seen it addressed: fine, you are not arguing and justifying yourself, you're resisting the urge to be "right", but then what? The topic you're fighting about doesn't go away.  

A lot of the time she wants to argue, she wants me to try to justify myself, she'll challenge me with specifics, "why didn't you do this? why did you do that?" A lot of the time it's just off, her perceptions are just wrong. She is able to be in a rage for a few days at a time. She is in a rage today. When she's not, she still may have a perception that is different from mine, maybe polar opposite. How is that resolved?

As you noted, it's impossible to have an intelligent discussion, when she is angry.  You have to prioritize the important issues, that you want further discussion about, and let the smaller stuff go (i.e. I will not continue to discuss that matter.)

You might want to mentally rate the importance of things on a scale of 1-10, or perhaps work with categories.  Decide what you don't want to discuss further, and hold your boundary.  The things that are important, will need to be resolved at some point, while emotions are calm.

When she is raging, there is no point in debating.  It's great to hear that you have made progress with the JADE logic.  It will take time to get better at it. You are only human and some days will be tougher than others.

How do any of my "betrayals" ever get resolved? She has things that happened 2-3 years ago, that if are brought up again when she is angry will have her fly off the handle like it happened yesterday. How do we handle that?  

When you say "my betrayals", are you referring to her false logic that you have betrayed her?  People with BPD traits tend NOT to focus on the issue at hand, but bring up every little thing they think they can blame you for, since you first met (usually false perceptions).

Whether it's her actual betrayals of you or her perceptions of betrayals she thinks you are responsible for, this is something you might want to bring up in therapy.  I'm thinking a referee could be helpful.

We are just with a new therapist, 2 sessions now. Will she be able to stick with someone long enough to have progress.    

You indicate that when she is calm, she can admit to being 1/2 the problem. It's likely strategic to have her calm, during joint therapy.  If you drive, perhaps she can use some of her Ativan before a session (or pot if that helps).  I'm thinking that there can be hope for productive discussions during a therapy session, when she is calm.  If she isn't calm, for a particular session, it's probably a day to talk about the easy stuff.

Couple's therapists differ in their approach.  Some of them will schedule a solo session with each individual, at least early on in the therapy.  That might be something to inquire about.  It could help to talk about some goal, on a good day.

Every person is different.  Sometimes, the person with BPD behaviors can get upset, once a therapist tries to hold them accountable for their behaviors. When this happens, they typically want to fire the therapist.  Unless they can hang in there and talk about some uncomfortable things, nothing will change.  
I've entered some links below for some strategies that could be helpful.  The "BIFF" strategy can be good to use for emails or perhaps texts.  The originator of the technique geared it for people who had to co-parent, after a breakup.  It can be a useful strategy to use on occasions, when you are out of town and don't want to get into a text or email war.  The other two links, contain some strategies you might find helpful on occasion.

BIFF RESPONSE - BRIEF, INFORMATIVE, FIRM & FINAL

6 Tips to Avoid Becoming Someone’s Target of Blame

5 Tips for Debating High Conflict People

Hope you find something I mentioned helpful.