Not being pulled into the black hole of anger

[IfNotForYou]

Here’s a small window into my life. I am pretty certain this is common when dealing with someone who has BPD.

Caught in a cycle of fights and nothingness. I’m slowly learning the correct way to handle MYSELF since it is all I can be responsible for. Wow is it hard.

I have been blocked for days from phone and social media contact of my wife. She determines if I say the wrong thing or something she doesn’t like ALL communication gets ended. Text and in person. I’m placed in purgatory for anywhere up to a day or sometimes a week. I can’t even begin to explain how debilitating this feels. It’s all about control.

 Very little  communication has taken place in past week. When it has it was brief and I’m blocked immediately. In person doors are placed between us and I’m avoided. If I try to talk I’m yelled at or walked out on. It’s futile.

Been minding my business not starting any trouble just basically “stuck” in my life. I watch tv on the couch when home and catch up on my phone or errands in the living room. My wife took over our bedroom and kicked me out. Threw all my clothes out of the closet along with my personal belongings into the hallway. That was a past episode. Have been sleeping on the couch or in my sons bedroom. (He goes back and forth to his moms) Basically I’ve been avoiding conflict and keeping the peace or sanity for myself as best I can.

Tonight after days of zero anything from my wife, she comes out into the living room and unplugs the space heater. She says I don’t need it cause the main house heat is on. This is true. But I am minding my business relaxing not bothering anyone after a day of work. It’s not affecting her. I say this to her calmly. She takes said heater into our bedroom. I follow her. She pushes me out. This triggers me. Normally this can be he start of things... I’m learning to reprogram though. I leave the bedroom. She proceeds to grab the heater, takes it into the kitchen and starts smashing and kicking it. Telling me there’s no need to run it. That she’s told me his before. She then grabs scissors and cuts the cord. Takes it outside and throws it in the trash. She smokes a cigarette. Yells at me while halfway outside/inside of back door. Starts raging about how everything in this home she bought including the actual house. Non of tris is true. I do my best to recognize this is another episode but I still feed it to an extent out of shear anger and frustration. I argue about how this is our home and we purchased things together. Now I’m playing into the trap and completely off topic of something that should have not occurred in the first place. I’m furious. I calm down and try to remember what I’m learning here. What little Ive learned. I walk away after some words are exchanged. It slowly dies down and she resides back to our bedroom for he night. I go upstairs in my sons room to get ready for bed and type this to vent.

This is a typical snapshot of the behavior she will bring into our daily life. Believe it or not I still love her but I am so drained emotionally. I feel trapped in my own life. Like a prisoner. I recognize how childish this is on her part but I try to remember it’s something she uses as a defense mechanism. I can’t seem to change it though no matter what approach.  I’m afraid she won’t ever get it.

I’m not trying to sit over here and just point the finger at her but clearly this is not normal behavior. I still find myself dumbfounded by these things even after 9 years of being with her.

I just needed to vent. I’m going to continue to work on myself and read more on all this. Knowledge is my best power right now and learning to take care of myself as well. I hate what this has become. One day at a time for now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ozzie101]

I’m so sorry, IfNotForYou. I know only too well how draining these episodes can be.

I, too, struggle with how to react (or not react) and how not to get triggered.

My H knows my hot buttons and he’ll say things much like your wife: he bought the house, my car, I haven’t contributed at all. Even after two years of learning, I still find myself engaging in these debates. I should know better. It’s frustrating. When H us like this, there’s no use trying to reason with him. Truth has no place.

The silent treatment is a form of abuse and a control tactic. It’s not one I’ve had to deal with as my H has the opposite problem in refusing to stop talking. But I know from reading around here just how important self-care is. It sounds like you’re doing a pretty good job of doing your own thing. Are these activities you enjoy? That “fill your cup”? Do you have a therapist? I and many others find that so valuable.

Anyway, one thing I’ve worked in that is slowly but surely helping is to make plans. I think through scenarios in my head. By now, I know the kinds of things he’ll do and say. How will I react? What will I do. It’s hard to stick to that when emotions are high in the moment, but so much easier than trying to figure it out in a dysregulation.

All that to say: you’re not alone. Be kind to yourself. You’re learning and working on it and that’s exactly what you should be doing. Keep posting here. We’re listening and we’re on this journey with you.

[NonBP73]

This is so hard to read.
This is basically my life and I feel 100% trapped in it.