Parker00
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Breaking up
Posts: 1
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« on: November 27, 2020, 05:50:06 PM » |
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My GF of 4 years got divorced about 3-4 months before she met me. I recently discovered that all of her odd, dramatic break-ups over the past 2-3 years and all of the fears of me cheating, all her insecurities, her demands of constant attention, and her love bombing/devaluing/discarding cycle is consistent with BPD. Two weeks ago I discovered she had been having an affair with a guy at work for over a year- he, who is 27 years older than her- of course at 71, he is giving her outstanding attention! When confronted, she stated, I just put you two in separate boxes. She had two parallel relationships going on. He provided her the constant adoration and attention and I provided all of the BF, home life, life partner stuff. Sex has always been amazing but fell off a bit in the past 3-4 months. Now I know why. She wants me to move out; I want to stay. The hurt is incredibly painful. We remain friends. I want to confront her new lover and tell him I will not out them- I am actually concerned that if he ends it, she may have nothing to fuel her and no one to lean on and may become suicidal. She tells me that I must go because “I have hurt her too many times and that if I hurt her ever again, she’d jump in front of a truck.” I am now the bad guy. She sees only in BW, never nuanced shades of grey. I have the book Walking on Eggshells. She and I are textbook. This is scary but I love her unconditionally.
Do I confront her lover who is an MD and try to explain to him what he is involved with? Do I consult her ex husband whom I’ve never to see what happens to their relationship? Do Inspeaknto her parents who likely have no idea but have been thru all of her rocky relationships before?
How do I resolve the internal conflict of thinking I should’ve done more I should’ve paid more attention I should’ve listened better and better understood what exactly hurt her the most how do I resolve the conflict that I could’ve done more and I could’ve done it better. I feel terrible. I’m so in love with her. How do I get over this how do I reframe this so that it’s not my fault. How do I understand and except what’s happening to myself and how do I stop thinking about her all the time how do I stop looking at her and loving her so much how do I stop looking at her hands her face her hair and relishing it all. I don’t know how to do this. How do I reframe this conversation in my head that she is the problem not me. I feel like they were so many places along the way I could’ve done a better job, listened better, and really understood her needs better. Part of me feels like I was selfish at times and took her for granted at times. Which is probably what I did my previous marriage; if anything I’ve learned take nothing for granted and appreciate everything. How do I stop wanting to get her back?
Open to answers from anyone. The BPD website articles have been very helpful. I objectively know I need to leave and not look back; I’m so in love with her- now that I truly know her and understand it all, I want to stay. She does not know that she has BPD. And, she wants me gone but let’s me linger for a few more weeks. To be kind perhaps? Or seen me begs to stay? I don’t know. Trying to find a new place to live. We stay friendly and friends most of the time. She sometimes messes around with me, FWB style but will not kiss- no real love expressed, just a quick O now and then and then nothing in the way of overt affection. Too weird... The other guys gets the love and attention while I remain mostly the bad guy it seems. Splitting is what I believe this is called. Out with the old, in with the new.
Many thanks for listening!
Parker
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