looking for help

[candycorn]

My wife and I just heard about BP a couple of weeks ago.  Reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" makes us believe our 35 year old son has BPD.  The good thing about this is it helps explain some of what has been going on for the past three and a half years since our son began living with us.  He was working and living on his own.  He has not worked since moving in with us.

He will never accept any advise from anyone.  He refuses to talk with a counselor.  Refuses to look for a job.  He barely talks with us.  But there are times when he rants and tells us how bad we are.  He especially blames me for having been (in his opinion) a terrible father. 

We feel like we have no leverage in this situation. We asked him to move out and he refused.  Our solution now is to sell our house.  Then when we move out, he will be on his own.  This seems so radical, but we can't see any other solution.  It feels like we are helpless and have been painted into a corner.

Whatever advice or suggestions any of you have will be gladly accepted.

We are thankful to have found this support board and look forward to learning from you.

Sincerely, L & C

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi L & C,
Welcome and I think you will find the support you need here.

Is the plan to not tell your son where you will be going?  Are you buying another house, or renting a small(er) place in the interim?  What is the chance he will come to your new place? 

I agree that his verbal abuse of you shouldn't be tolerated.  You made the first step to voice it here, now you will just have to follow through.  Hope you are feeling better getting this off your chest.

Please post more if you are able.

b

[candycorn]

We feel like there are no boundaries in our home any more.  Our son does not respect our wishes.  He says we cannot tell him what to do and he does not have to do what we say.  We just try to stay out of his way to avoid conflict.

We currently live in a house.  Our plan is to move into an apartment building with a doorman.  He would know where we live but not be allowed to come in unless we authorized it.

Before reaching this decision we offered to pay for his rent on his own place.  But said he would have to pay his bills and buy his food.  He refused that offer.  When we said we would put the house on the market his reply was:  "I doubt you will do that"

Now he has seen the real estate agents come to the house as we begin to put the house on the market.  He sees we are serious.  And we can tell it has upset him.  Yet he is never willing to sit down and talk and try to make concessions and work things out.

It is all so sad.  We wish there were a better way.  We wish he would listen to others.  It seems like if he had a job it would give him something constructive to do in addition to providing income.

Yet here we are.

[candycorn]

While we have been trying to cope with all the verbal attacks from our son and the fact that he will never accept advice from anyone, nor look for help, nor look for a job, we had never even heard of BPD until about 3 weeks ago.

What do we do now?

We are reading books by Randi Kreger and trying to look at strategies for dealing with our son.

Any other suggestions?

[candycorn]

Anybody there?

[kells76]

We are here, candycorn!

we had never even heard of BPD until about 3 weeks ago

Glad you're reaching out for support after learning about BPD. It can be a gamechanger to know that (a) there's a name for what's happening, and (b) you're not the only family going through it.

My husband's kids' mom has some difficult traits. As far as I know, she hasn't been diagnosed, but the label is less important than the fact that I've needed to build new skills to deal with her. I used to think that if I could just logically explain things to her, she'd agree... Wow! No way! In fact, "explaining" can escalate things to a pwBPD (person with BPD).

We are reading books by Randi Kreger and trying to look at strategies for dealing with our son.

Great move; kudos on educating yourself. We in fact have a "book list" here and some of the books are about dealing with BPD children (I believe) -- here's the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

It must be difficult having an older adult child living with you, no matter what... have you read much about boundaries? Here's a starter link for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Whenever you're up for it, let us know what you think about what you're learning, and we'll be here to talk.

cheers;

kells76

[beatricex]

hi again candycorn,

Your son is 35, and previously had a job.  Your offer to pay his rent (on his own place) if he paid the other bills was more than generous.  Yet, he did nothing. 

In my opinion you should stick to your guns and follow through, he is on his own now.  Maybe he will take you up on the rent offer afterall?

sorry this is so hard

My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about how to live our lives separate from his adult kids.  Luckily, we agree.  I think that is the most important thing, not what others think or do.  Is your wife in agreement?

b

[candycorn]

Thanks for the replies!

Yes, my wife and I are united on all of this.  We have commented about how it would be for a spouse or a single parent to deal with a person with BPD by themselves.  It is hard enough when my wife and I have each other to converse with and to console one another.  I can't imagine how it would be to live in a house with a person with BPD all by yourself.  It seems it could drive you crazy!  This has already taken a toll on my wife and I as it is.  Reading about this disorder helps us somewhat to put all of this into perspective.

We will be looking at the book list.  I also noticed in another thread that someone posted two links to videos on Youtube.  All of this is very helpful.

Blessings to all of you!
 

[Pomsie]

Don’t sell your house unless you really want to. Houses sell so much better when there is no one is living in them...every real estate agent will tell you that, so this is what you do.

You tell your son that everybody has to move out of the house so it can be sold. Leave the furniture as much as possible. Then you rent an apartment for a couple months for the two of you, clean up the house and make it look nice, and tell him he’s got to go. Now. He knows that you’ll pay his rent. Then when he’s out, take it off the market and move back home. But not before changing the locks. Then just tell him after you moved out, that you missed your house so much you decided to move back.

He will know that you’re probably not telling him the truth but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that he has basically hijacked your lives and you need to find a way to get out of it. This should be a fairly easy thing to do and you can ask the real estate agent to help you get your son out of your house by maybe talking to him and telling him that the house is better being sold without people living in it. I know it seems drastic but it’s a lot better than selling your home when you don’t want to. And it’ll get him out of the house. And then like most of us know, never ever ever ever ever let them move back into your house or you will never get rid of them. No matter what you have to do, don’t let them back in the house. Ever.

All the best and good luck, please let us know how it’s going.  ❤️

[candycorn]

I like this one:
"And then like most of us know, never ever ever ever ever let them move back into your house or you will never get rid of them. No matter what you have to do, don’t let them back in the house. Ever."

Since we have to resort to extreme measures to not have our son living with us, we have to agree that allowing him to move in again would NOT be a good idea (to put it mildly).

[candycorn]

For the past 36 hours our son refuses to speak to us.  It is so strange.  He wants to live in our house and enjoy all the benefits that come with that. But he refuses to treat us with common courtesy or respect.

It seems like we should be used to it by now, but it still makes no sense and seems so wrong.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[20yearsHRS]

I can only offer a bit.  First, prayers if God is listening.  Second, I think you may need to also see a lawyer.  Strange laws out there about squatters.  Had a lady tell me once someone can move into your barn without you knowing it and then it could take months and months to get them out.  Some states have squatter laws that give them the right to have a roof over their head until they have another place to go.  In your case, simply selling the house may not meet the requirement.  You may be forced to take your son to the next house because of the squatter's law.  Or, you may be forced to rent a place for them to go.  A lawyer may advise you that a letter needs to be written to your son stating they are no longer welcome (using better language to avoid violent conflict) and can no longer stay at your residence.  Typically you have to give 30 days notice.  This varies state by state.  Hopefully you son is not violent towards you and this can be resolved peacefully. 

[Resiliant]

Hi Candycorn,

This is craziness!  Do you both actually want to move?

You mentioned in another post that you have 3 other sons, is that correct?

I don't know if I am off base or not but I am wondering if your other sons and possibly any other close family members or long-time friends of the family who have been close to him like uncles or aunts while he was growing up would participate in an intervention?

Each person could read a letter that is validating and loving yet firm about how they feel about your situation.   Give him a place to go - maybe suck up the first and last month's rent but include a legal eviction notice?

Anyone else here who thinks I am nuts feel free to tell me so.  I'm just brainstorming...

All the best.
And - I agree with 20years HRS.  Prayers seem to work wonders for me!   
Thinking of you

[candycorn]

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and for your compassion and your replies!

One of our sons passed away four years ago.  He was 34 at the time.  Our other sons know what is going on here and agree with what we are doing.  Our oldest son lives an hour away.  He came to our house about two months ago and did sort of an intervention / mediation.  That helped some and for a while.  Our son who appears to have BPD agreed to make a few changes as did my wife and I. 

As far as selling our house goes we live overseas and plan to move back to the USA within a few years anyway.  So selling our house now will just help move us along in that process.  We would rent an apartment for a short time should we sell our house right away.  The markets here are slow so who knows how long it will take to find a buyer.

Here is what happened yesterday:

We have so many ups and downs here.  Yesterday there was a big blow up.  We only have one car.  We have asked our son to ask for permission before taking the car out as we might need it for something else.  He has not done this.  So we hid the key.  Yesterday he came to me and politely asked to have the key.  I said: "Sure."  Then I asked that he agree to put into effect what he had agreed to do a while back (the day our oldest son came to mediate), which is either to lower the volume or close the door when his mother or I are bothered with his loud music.  (Actually the music he listens to is usually fine, it it the high volume which bothers us.)  So then he said I was making too many demands and things got very heated.

Then a couple of hours later he came back and asked for the keys again.  Once again I said it would be fine for him to use the car, but I want him to also respect us and our wishes in regard to the loud music.  This time he agreed.  So we have had almost 24 hours of peace since then.

What a rollercoaster ride we are on!

[carole57]

I can so relate to the behavior he is exhibiting. I am going through something similar as far as the blame game. " I have been a terrible mother". When I know its quite the contrary. That book helped me to at least realize that I did nothing wrong, but it doesn't take the pain away. We just want our kids to love us. My daughter is totally functional. Good job new car and now getting a new apartment. She just blames me for everything that doesn't go right in her life and has said she hates me. I'm sorry for what you are going through, Its very painful...Wish I could give you some advice but I am also at a loss...