Adult Child with BPD

[HurtBrooklyn]

My daughter has banished me. I was torn about contacting her. After several weeks I sent her a text that said "I respect your boundaries. I also love and miss you."  After several days she responded by sending me a lot of attacking accusatory texts. I responded by saying "I'm sorry I made mistakes that caused you pain when you were a child. You didn't deserve that". She answered by saying I didn't mean it and accused me of a lot of hateful things.  I told her that I couldn't communicate with her unless we had a civil conversation.  She just continued her attacks. I asked "How am I hurting you now? Tell me and I'll stop." And she couldn't answer that.  I asked her several times and told her I didn't want to hurt her now and asked what I could do to stop hurting her now. She just continued to bring up the past and said I was gaslighting her. I finally told her I loved her and looked forward to having a civil conversation with her.  She continued to text me with verbal abuse for over an hour. She also threatened to put our whole conversation on social media for everyone to see. I told that she should do whatever she thought she had to do.  She has made similar threats in the past, but so far has not done so. I understand she still could do that.
I'm working very hard not to be destroyed by this. But, I just feel awful.  Even though I set boundaries and stuck to them, I am literally heartsick.There seems to be no end in sight.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

hi hurtbrooklyn,
I'm very sorry to hear this and I feel your sadness, reading your post.

I am terrified of having my conversations, or my husband's posted on social media for the world to see.  Not because I think he or I have said anything wrong (nor have you), but because I'm a very private person.

Please know that I am thinking of you, and wishing this pain to go away.
 
b

[missymoo]

WE ARE GOOD MOTHERS WHO ARE BEING BULLIED FROM THOSE WHO SHOULD BE PROTECTING US AT THIS STAGE IN OUR LIVES. OFCOURSE IT IS HEATBREAKING, BUT IF YOU DON'T DETACH YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER. YOU ARE BEING TRAUMATIZED BY YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU FEEL GUILTY? YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS BEHAVIOR OF HERS, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
SOME PROBLEMS CANNOT BE SOLVED.
I LIVE WITH THE SAME HURT YOU DO, BUT WE DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY AND SHOULD NOT ALLOW IT TO CONTINUE.
PROTECT YOURSELF INSTEAD OF TRYING TO RESCUE HER.
YOU DID YOUR BEST, I AM SURE.

[Bluejay12]

I completely agree with Missymoo.  We ARE good mothers and not deserving of this kind of abuse.  Our experience is that you’ll do anything to stop the hurt, including apologizing for things you didn’t do.  It’s just “feeding the lion.”  Protect yourself is the advice we’ve been given. Easier said than done.  We still have many very said days for missing that person we used to know.  Our conclusion is that they still look like that person but no longer ARE that person.  So hard to accept, I know.  Just crushing really.  You are not alone in your torment.  Stay strong!

[missymoo]

It is remarkable how much we three members on this site, have in common.
Is there no opportunity for us to connect by phone? I know that contact information is forbidden on this site? I don't wish to break a rule but would love to know you could call me anytime for sisterly support. Who else would understand?
missymoo

[Bluejay12]

I’m with you on this Missymoo!  We need all the help we can get trying to understand this disorder.  This was about the best weekend I’ve had in over a year because I finally discovered this forum.  We have felt so isolated because almost no one we know can begin to relate to our struggles.  It is truly a sisterhood of sorts when we can raise each other up with our similar struggles.  There is so much comfort in knowing you are not alone anymore in those struggles

[BonnieW]

I completely relate to this thread and agree with missymoo.  I suffered for many years with an abusive daughter who has blamed me for many of her problems.  She says very hurtful and cruel things to me and expects that I should just keep taking it.  I feel like her punching-bag.  She has blackmailed me with my grandchildren and this worked until I told my son-in-law about it and he refuses to let it continue.

She has not been diagnosed as BPD by her own professional counsellor, but this has been suggested as her behaviour issue through two clinical counsellors, who I have seen on a professional basis.  My niece has been diagnosed as BPD, and my research indicates that there is a genetic link to this disorder.  My niece is a terrific source of information and made me realize that I was in an abusive relationship with my daughter.

I have started to set up boundaries and won't tolerate her bad behaviour.  When she becomes dramatic and abusive, I remove myself from the text message/conversation or get in my car and leave.  I was heading into a deep depression before I talked to my counsellor and started setting up boundaries.  I now feel relieved that I am standing up for myself and refuse to be abused. I'm also relieved to find this site and realize that I'm not alone.  Thanks for sharing your stories.  Wishing you peace.

[Tucus]

Was wondering what medications were prescribed for BPD?  My daughter also has been diagnosed with ADD and PTSD, so wondering if some can cancel out the others...

[HurtBrooklyn]

Thanks so much for your input. I appreciate hearing from everyone.  I understand that I shouldn't allow my daughter to abuse me. I did exit the conversation - after a time - either by signing off, or leaving her presence. I am concerned for her mental and physical health during the pandemic. Since the birth of my grandson I have tolerated more caustic exchanges because I was afraid she wouldn't allow me to see him, if I stopped completely.  I now believe that seeing him isn't worth the price I pay with her and it's not good for him to witness her verbal abuse directed at me, which has happened a few times - and continued until I left her apartment. Does anyone think the pandemic is intensifying BPD behavior?
I really appreciate your thoughts.  Thank you so much. It is good to hear from you.

[Michelle-drained]

So sorry you are going to going through this! Our BPD daughter wouldn’t see my husband for a year after he married me! But she did come around in the end. Honestly I would prefer she not come over, because she always causes issues and drama and our marriage! BPDs do punishing behaviors, to get their way. I start to wonder if we just gave a name/label to seriously spoiled brats. Not in all cases, but in some cases. They get their way by cruel tactics, so then they keep doing them. Ridiculous. Hang strong, take care of yourself.

[Resiliant]

^{" I asked "How am I hurting you now? Tell me and I'll stop." And she couldn't answer that.  I asked her several times and told her I didn't want to hurt her now and asked what I could do to stop hurting her now. She just continued to bring up the past"}

Hi Hurt,
I just want to let you know how I can relate.  My adult son goes through the same thing.  He was dysregulated a week or so ago and I asked him what triggered it (meaning what triggered his dysregulation) and he said he was trying to tell me this for 10 years.  He could not separate the past from the present in terms of why he was upset.   What happens according to a book I read (and it plays out with my son) is that the pain that they feel from a past event plays over and over again in their heads like a tape that is on a constant loop.  The pain from the past is as real as if it just happened.  While for the rest of us time heals all wounds, this is not true for a BPD person.  Sadly, the more one dwells on the past the worse it gets.  A molehill becomes a mountain.

You also said that she accused you of gaslighting her.  I have been getting this from my son for 8 years now.    I don't suggest any form of mental illness or disorder anymore because it backfires and not only infuriates him, but it intensifies the pain he feels.  There is a great video on this site that taught me to stop doing that.   If you can't find it let me know and I will get it to you.  I can actually see his point because he has convinced himself that we treat him differently.  He says "You treat me like this, and so I react like that, and then you try to tell me that it's me and there is something wrong with my brain when I am simply reacting to how I am being treated".   Imagine if you felt that you were being cheated on and you knew it, and the person lying and cheating on you says you need to go get help because you obviously have a mental illness if you don't believe me.  That is how they might feel.   It may be, and often is misinterpretation by the BPD person but they firmly believe it, it is the only way they see it and to argue any differently is just causing more hurt and distancing.  Also, there could be a small nugget of truth that they are hung up on.  In my son's case, we don't feel like we treat him differently because any one of our other kids would not get away with the verbal abuse either, however we do treat him differently because the others are much more welcome in our home.  He feels it and that is the nugget of truth.

It's crazy - I used to say to him "how can you say you are suicidal but you don't need help"?   He can't see it, he just feels that I need to "fix" what is wrong and then he will be okay.

You said that your daughter texted you for over an hour.  My son too will text long strings of texts that are impossible to read, they come too fast and it would be like reading a book.   He told a therapist once that if he can't get out everything that he needs to say then he doesn't feel safe.  So, I let him vent. 

I'm sorry to hear about the social media threatening.  My son has done the same but has never followed through.  At the same time I am not on Facebook for the very reason that anything I post could be triggering to him.  He threatened to give my business a bad review but that was before I knew about BPD and before I learned validation and all of the great tools on this site.  Things have gotten SO much better since then.   His periods of dysregulation are much fewer and more far between.

As for myself, after learning all that I can - and I still have SO MUCH more to learn - I can honestly say that I don't feel like a victim.  I don't feel hurt.  Why? Because I recognize this is a disorder.  I read posts like yours and I read books and I see the common ways in which the disorder manifests itself.  I do feel sadness for him when he is dysregulated - to the point where sometimes it feels like a death in the family - but then it turns around again when he is regulated.  I know he spends days where he can't function and he is curled up in a corner.  The last time he got over it he said that he didn't want to "fall down the rabbit hole" again. 

From what you wrote, it seems to me that you might also be able to separate yourself from the "victim emotions" and recognize that she is struggling with a disorder.

As far as your daughter is concerned, do you think that if you call her bluff she will change her mind?  Do you think that she might be playing on the fact that she knows you want to see your grandchild, and you want your family to be okay, and you want her to be okay so she is going to withhold what you want so that you might give her what she wants?   I don't see it as malicious, to me it's simply another desperate attempt like the BPD book title " I hate you, don't leave me".   Do you think that it's possible that if you call her bluff after some time she will realize this isn't working?   I have no idea, you know your daughter best.

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to address all the things that you said.  I hope it is helpful.

You have a friend in me

R

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HurtBrooklyn]

Thank you for all of your thoughts.  I appreciate them a lot.

Resiliant said:
"You also said that she accused you of gaslighting her.  I have been getting this from my son for 8 years now.    I don't suggest any form of mental illness or disorder anymore because it backfires and not only infuriates him, but it intensifies the pain he feels.  There is a great video on this site that taught me to stop doing that.   If you can't find it let me know and I will get it to you.  I can actually see his point because he has convinced himself that we treat him differently.  He says "You treat me like this, and so I react like that, and then you try to tell me that it's me and there is something wrong with my brain when I am simply reacting to how I am being treated".

I would love the video, so please send me the name of it.  I have never told my daughter that there was something wrong with her. I offered to go to counseling with her to work on our issues together, but she refused. She said I was gaslighting her when I asked her how I was hurting her now, in this moment.

It was really helpful to hear that your son cannot distinguish the pain from long ago to pain now. She had basically said the same hurtful things over and over again to me for years. She is dysregulated approximately 50% of the time I communicate with her. I have to work very hard to not be beaten down by her accusations and distorted memories.  I wish there was something I could do to help her find happiness and peace.

[beatricex]

hi again HurtBrooklyn,

These webinars helped me a little, if nothing else I didn't feel as alone

https://youtu.be/KXot1c9pMuE

https://youtu.be/WFk2cxbQ0n0

Someone, can't remember who, asked earlier if anyone thought COVID was making the dysregulation more prevalent.  I think so, and the second video explains that too.  For our BPD's, they get stuck in the past easily, but now the triggers are everywhere, it seems.

I used to think my step daughter wasn't that bad, because she was only dysregulated about 10% of the time (that I saw her anyway).  But now I see that it was only because there was no stressors in her life.  With a stressor (she moved in the middle of the pandemic twice, a second child arrived, she has lost income), her dysregulation amped up to 100% of the time she interacts with her Dad and I now.

 
b

[candycorn]

My wife and I are just now understanding that everything our son has been doing to mistreat us for the past three and a half years since he moved back in us probably is due to BPD.  We had never heard of BPD until less than a month ago.  Now so many things make sense.  Our son in 35 years old.  Hearing what you say in this thread about your sons and daughters sounds so much like our case.  We receive so much verbal abuse.  We hear so many accusations.  This "tornado" has been destroying our home.  We feel pushed into a corner and have not known what to do.

As we plan to move anyway within a few years we have put our house up for sale.  Our son has refused to work and refused to move out even when we said we would pay his rent.  So we'll sell the house, move to an apartment and let him fend for himself.  It seems like we are being cruel.  But for my wife and I it has become a matter of survival.

It is all so frustrating and so sad.  And since our son refuses to talk with anyone or seek help from anyone there seem to be no answers.

L & C

[Resiliant]

Here we go, this is the video: https://youtu.be/bnbOizw_zS0

I hope the link works, if not it is under "Getting a Loved One into Therapy" in this site.

It's interesting, I also have never told my son that there is "something wrong with him".  That is how he puts it because that is how he has interpreted my previous suggesting that he seek counselling.   He found that very invalidating.  To him my suggestion of counselling was as if I was dismissing his feelings, not taking him seriously and not wanting to work with him.

So often the message that we think we are giving is not the message that is being received.

I did on two occasions get him to go to joint counselling with me.  That was before I understood BPD and it was never fruitful because in both cases the counsellor seemed to triangulate with me. So instead of the counsellor being the support person that I wished for my son to have so badly, by contrast it would end up with my son feeling that that now there was two against one.  Backfire!

All the best

R

[candycorn]

Resiliant, thank you for that information!
L

[Resiliant]

 

[Pomsie]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in California, and am 62 and my daughter is 34 and I also get so much anger and hatred from her and I was a wonderful mom to her. Before Covid I was able to travel and get away from the area I live which made things a lot easier. I actually went over and lived in England for almost a year just to get away from it and it was wonderful.

She has gotten so disrespectful and unkind to me that I know that if I’m going to survive I’m going to have to stay away from her. I think just because we gave birth to a child who grew up to be an adult with problems does not mean that we have a death sentence and have to stay in that prison for the rest of our lives. We do deserve to have happiness and peace in our lives. It’s been very hard since Covid because I am living near her and the constant chaos is too much for me. I will be so happy when the virus eases up and I can get away from here for a while.

I think if I were in your shoes I would stop talking to her the minute she gets disrespectful. It seems that going on and on with her when she’s just being nasty just gets things worse. But I don’t know maybe she is unkind all the time. I am just very sorry that she is being so cruel and unkind and I hope you can find a way to take a break from it and remember that you deserve to have a happy life even if it’s a bubble bath and a conversation with a friend on the phone or a favorite movie. You deserve it.

[missymoo]

YOU ASKED "WHEN IT WILL END".
ONLY WHEN YOU DETACH CAN IT END.
THERE IS NO FIXING IT. I KNOW, I WALK IN YOUR SHOES EVERY DAY.
WE GRIEVE FOR THEM BECAUSE IT IS OUR ONLY WAY TO LOVE THEM.
YOU DID YOUR BEST AND THIS PROBLEM IS NOT YOURS - IT'S HERS.
UNTIL SHE IS WILLING TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HERSELF, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HER PUNCHING BAG.
missymoo xox

[Tulipps]

She just continued to bring up the past and said I was gaslighting her.

Add me to the list of members here who can relate to every post in this thread. All of our adult children appear to have the same playbook! My 33 year old daughter started accusing me of gaslighting her about a year ago. I was unfamiliar with the term and when I looked it up, realized that it was total projection and completely aligned with BPD behaviours.

The more I read and research, the more I understand . This hasn't necessarily made the disrespect less painful, but being more mindful has calmed me down.
My go-to position is compassion; first for myself, then for my daughter. None of us can escape the anxiety and uncertainty of our current world, but for her it must be excruciating. Imagine being a hyper-sensitive person who needs constant reassurance in these circumstances.