So its over...again.. she went to someone who "Dropped in her lap"

[legalboxers]

She called me the day before thanksgiving to yell at me. I went to see her. She called her ex on Thanksgiving. She did not want me to bring food over. It was just food..nothing more. So from November 26 to December 9 (early until 1am) she yelled at me, and then is like she went back to the person who "Dropped in her lap" in addition to taking $1,100 from me. She blamed me for my friend who is an EMT who was crying for help with this stuff going on, and my my friend who has stage 4 cancer and died. She complained about my ex fiancee who likes having the last word and rubbing everything in my face. It is because of these 3 people I am alone again. She made a comment about my so called friends who only call me when they need me. Sadly, that is basically everyone I know. No one has time for me, they are either married with kids, or work. or something. You know how that totally blows.

I listen to "the lite at night" with Delilah, she has Christmas song dedications. One year I remember her talking to a gentleman who was going through a rough time, he met someone, she and he had the same birthday. This was my case, but she left me long ago. I never felt a kick in the stomach so hard in my life.

Im going to be 44 tomorrow. ½ of my life I experienced nothing but heartache.

[Inside]

Seems a good time of year - and a good time in human history to take a few steps back..  A relationship with a borderline ends ugly.  Mine did.  And yes, $he’ll owe me money forever   

Those with BPD dysregulate on holidays and vacations, like clockwork.  I’m not sure why, but they blame the innocent, never themselves.  Yes, they’re victims, too … but that’s hard to appreciate from the receiving end of their projected lies and disorder.  And, after a lifetime of misadventures ..they know what they’re doing.  We don’t.

Since you’ve apparently been around here awhile, you’ve no doubt read near identical scenarios as what you’ve described.  Always leaves me wondering, what part did we play?  Best I can figure is we were temporary hosts, empathetic humans on which they fed. 

With that, are we not better without them?  I know the pull, and the pain … but as time and distance are strictly maintained, and another victim is found.. we can heal.  I have, but can’t help sharing some of my empathy with those who’ve also suffered.  And there’s no microscopic advice that will do more than prolong an inevitable train wreck with a borderline. 

Years ago, I began here, ‘at the top,’ looking to make it work.  Moving down to the ‘not sure’ category, and eventually to the ..I’m done heap.  My advice is to totally end it.  I’m not sure of all the details, but have learned from both experience, and the experiences of others, you eventually have to cut your losses.  Extract yourself from their realm, build a secure wall, detox, and proceed forward … with knowledge and experience few have about this disorder, and by association, those like it..

As mentioned, now seems a good, if extremely difficult time for the detoxing.  As the entire world is stressed, anxious and depressed over this pandemic, hunkering down and focusing elsewhere with all you’ve got is the best advice I can give.  Your pain is understood, the loss, too - just come out of this wiser than you went in … then tell us how you did it 

[legalboxers]

@inside. She left me the day before my birthday... AGAIN. she did this way before too.

[Goosey]

Just take care of yourself. It may feel selfish at first but it’s the only way to survive.
Only thing you can control is you.

[Rev]

Just take care of yourself. It may feel selfish at first but it’s the only way to survive.
Only thing you can control is you.

One simple word ----- yes.

[Stolen]

She left me the day before my birthday... AGAIN. she did this way before too.

And I am just nodding along to this.  Of course she did - anything to turn the knife just a little bit more...

btw, exercise and a good book has been the best therapy for me.  The entire world is in crisis, we at least had some practice at this prior.


God Bless you.

[legalboxers]

One simple word ----- yes.

I fell into the trap by being sympathetic during the holiday

[legalboxers]

Just take care of yourself. It may feel selfish at first but it’s the only way to survive.
Only thing you can control is you.

I dont know how. I always put everyone else before me. I did that when I worked for Radio Shack back in the day, I did that as a volunteer police officer for 15 yrs, I did that when I was in the civil air patrol. I did this 40 years of my life basically... including with parental bs...

[legalboxers]

And I am just nodding along to this.  Of course she did - anything to turn the knife just a little bit more...

btw, exercise and a good book has been the best therapy for me.  The entire world is in crisis, we at least had some practice at this prior.


God Bless you.

Im in NYC, I seen too much suffering

[Stolen]

Im in NYC, I seen too much suffering

I fled south from NY in May. Also saw too much. The exit has been good for my soul. 

[Rev]

I dont know how. I always put everyone else before me. I did that when I worked for Radio Shack back in the day, I did that as a volunteer police officer for 15 yrs, I did that when I was in the civil air patrol. I did this 40 years of my life basically... including with parental bs...

My friend... that is a lot for a person to carry... and yet you have offered your life as a gift to society.  Let me say thank you - even as I am not American. Every citizen of the world is called to a little so that the few don't need to do more than their share.  Thank you.

Peace and kindness be yours. You've earned it.

Rev

[legalboxers]

I fled south from NY in May. Also saw too much. The exit has been good for my soul. 

If I can.. I would. To me personally. Id go upstate. personal reasons

[legalboxers]

My friend... that is a lot for a person to carry... and yet you have offered your life as a gift to society.  Let me say thank you - even as I am not American. Every citizen of the world is called to a little so that the few don't need to do more than their share.  Thank you.

Peace and kindness be yours. You've earned it.

Rev

Im trying. I am doing my best

[Inside]

@Legalboxers
“She left me the day before my birthday... AGAIN. she did this way before too.”

Between one of ‘our’ seven breakups ...I asked if she planned hers in order to ‘do it first.’  "Yes," she admitted.  “It always hurts far worse if it’s done to me,” she said.  I found that inflicting intentional pain apparently made her feel better, too.

As mentioned, the expectation of holidays, vacations, birthdays.. throws them out of whack    

Part of my having delved into all this several years ago was reading ‘their perspective’ on several sites devoted and populated by those with BPD.  Chilling.  There appeared to be a shared desire to inflict pain on we ‘nons’ ... in order to “let him (them) know how bad I was hurting.”  They'd all admit it was wrong, even horrible to do -- but apparently couldn’t help themselves.  It appeared to me that ‘cutting us’ is akin to cutting themselves...

pwBPD are apparently so desperate to shed their pain that they’re more than willing and capable of inflicting it on the innocent.  I cared, that's why I’d attempted to ‘figure it out.’  But my conclusion was, tragically, for all involved, they cannot be fixed.  Thus the question becomes, how much are we willing to lose, to endure ..as they self-soothe at our expense?

I took a lot, an abusive upbringing had apparently taught me to do so.  But after determining - it would never feel as good as it once had, let alone that it would never be a relationship worth maintaining (even if I could), I ended it.  That hurt, but I stayed strong enough to maintain the distance necessary to shake her.  I’m sure ‘she’s watching’ ..that’s what they do, but frankly, I’m no longer giving a damn..

[legalboxers]

@Legalboxers
“She left me the day before my birthday... AGAIN. she did this way before too.”

Between one of ‘our’ seven breakups ...I asked if she planned hers in order to ‘do it first.’  "Yes," she admitted.  “It always hurts far worse if it’s done to me,” she said.  I found that inflicting intentional pain apparently made her feel better, too.

As mentioned, the expectation of holidays, vacations, birthdays.. throws them out of whack    

Part of my having delved into all this several years ago was reading ‘their perspective’ on several sites devoted and populated by those with BPD.  Chilling.  There appeared to be a shared desire to inflict pain on we ‘nons’ ... in order to “let him (them) know how bad I was hurting.”  They'd all admit it was wrong, even horrible to do -- but apparently couldn’t help themselves.  It appeared to me that ‘cutting us’ is akin to cutting themselves...

pwBPD are apparently so desperate to shed their pain that they’re more than willing and capable of inflicting it on the innocent.  I cared, that's why I’d attempted to ‘figure it out.’  But my conclusion was, tragically, for all involved, they cannot be fixed.  Thus the question becomes, how much are we willing to lose, to endure ..as they self-soothe at our expense?

I took a lot, an abusive upbringing had apparently taught me to do so.  But after determining - it would never feel as good as it once had, let alone that it would never be a relationship worth maintaining (even if I could), I ended it.  That hurt, but I stayed strong enough to maintain the distance necessary to shake her.  I’m sure ‘she’s watching’ ..that’s what they do, but frankly, I’m no longer giving a damn..

She still accuses me of lying. I told her the explanation. I know there are no explanations for it but she was controlling. She asked why do I take my phone into the bathroom. Well she did to, for one. And two. I had no downtime with her to check my mail or read the news. It was always "90 day fiancee" or some reality show. Taking her to get food for the fur babies or food shopping. Granted it was 2 days a week but those 2 were totally her. I had no breathing room, I know her mom died, all well and good but she is a   :cursing:stone! she rubbed in my face she was with her man for breakfast. She made Thanksgiving suck, she made my birthday suck and now Christmas suck..