HELP Do I dare consider this?

[B53]

FF, Fian,
That is a very good idea and is something that I have mentioned. Along with therapy, I asked for a couples counselor.  I think we need a professional to help us decide what are reasonable and unreasonable boundaries and expectations.As I said in my wordy post, I need help with this. Maybe an hour isn’t long enough, that is something to discuss with a professional. I hope that I am not coming across as thinking that I have all the answers, I don’t. I don’t know what I am going back into, something new or more of the same. I’m scared. He says he is doing the work and I believe him, but I don’t actually know. What I am doing right now is gambling and I need to know that I have the best odds that I can before I place my bet. Nothing is guaranteed.

Fian, he may yell and say unkind things, but he is never violent.

Thanks,
B53

Fian,
Your new post came in while I was writing this. I’m not a fool. I don’t expect to get the empathy that I would get from one of my girlfriends. Last year when I started school I had a very difficult class and a new assistant. Even my director had concerns. Teacher’s work does not end when you leave school, especially in the beginning of the school year. I was stressed and overwhelmed. I came home and shared all my feelings and difficulties. He made me dinner a few nights, something that we usually share. I thought he was being sweet  and doing something to help with my stress. After two days he left and I find out a week later, that I no longer care about him because I didn’t come down and help make dinner. He was there every night when my daughter was crying. I would talk to him about it. It is one thing to not realize that your partner is cold when you pull the covers off or  not respond if your not feeling well, but these were not little things and I talked to him about how I was feeling. Love means stepping outside yourself and putting someone else’s needs before your own. I’m not asking for a perfect guy, BP or not, but I do expect him to notice the elephant in the room. If he can’t do that, then what would be my reason to stay. I don’t ask for or require a lot, but I deserve to be loved and cared about. Without that, then I’m am just a caretaker.
 
If you want to see the difference between men and women, go on YouTube and put in “It’s not about the nail.” It’s funny.

B53

[Fian]

LOL that Youtube video is pretty funny!

[formflier]

  Men also have a tendency to retreat when it comes to conflict (which isn't a bad thing as it allows our anger to subside as opposed to becoming violent).  So, partial silent treatment is also normal (complete ST isn't normal).
 

I'm actually doing this at the moment.  Deliberately waiting until I'm at a better place to address an issue that I think she is being ridiculous about.  There is no doubt in my mind that if I try to talk to her about it now...nothing helpful will come out of my mouth.

[formflier]

First of all...I laughed outloud. 

   I’m not asking for a perfect guy, BP or not, but I do expect him to notice the elephant in the room. If he can’t do that, then what would be my reason to stay. 

Why wait for him to notice? 

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

I am quite aware that I am not in the mental state that I will need to be in, to be successful. I know that I am not validating him, which I will do when he makes a non-ambiguous approach that indicates his concern for me.

What would it look like if you began to take care of yourself separate from what he does or says?

The negotiations are likely to gridlock if only because he is setting up a "I will do x if you do y" and vice versa.

If that gridlock is hard to break and trust isn't there, some creative problem solving might help kick start things, especially with clear actions. "I will agree to attend these classes on one condition. I ask that you deposit x amount in my account for x sessions with a therapist. No need to discuss it. For me, this is an essential piece to moving forward."

And then keep focusing on the action, whether it is done or not.

What classes was he recommending you attend?

[CoherentMoose]

If you are looking for a couples counselor, suggest you look at using a Gottman Certified Counselor.  Can be a little more expensive, but I've found one and highly recommend their approach.  The challenge is to find one that can also recognize and support the BPD portion of your relationship.  Be well.  CoMo

[B53]

Thanks always to everyone!

The course is Family Connections Program NEABPD, I’m sure that it is excellent and it will be very helpful and I do plan to take it, if not now, soon. I just wanted to hear something related to me first.

All I have received from him is;  I agree, Thank you, a link for the course and then about looking for a therapist. That tells me nothing about where his head is. He may have done an amazing job and I will feel, cared for and loved, or the opposite may be true. My guess is, it is somewhere in the middle. I want to have everything set in place and get off to the best start possible, then it is up to us to do the work. I don’t want either of us to start to jump to conclusions, because we misread a comment or a look.  For example, when I email him, he doesn’t respond for hours or a day. I know he is getting them. So what does that mean? Is he trying to give me space and not look like he acting in a sense, like he is love bombing or is he playing a BPD game, I not responding the way he wants, so he will let me wait, or is he having trouble with his computer. I know his job, so it is very unlikely that he is too busy and his responses are at most ten words or less. My past guess would be, he is making me wait, but right now, I am going to believe that he has my best interest at heart. It is easy to jump and run with a thought that may or may not turn out to be true. This is probably the most important behavior we both need to work on. I worry that if I don’t talk with someone I will act like a dog that has been abused and flinch every time someone moves fast (not literally). He has given his therapist permission to talk to whoever I pick. I think that will be extremely helpful.
 
I have mentioned before about a podcast call Borderline to Beautiful
 
The host is a recovering BPD and the podcast is for BPs, but it is amazingly helpful for the people in their life. The two podcasts that I highly recommend is called, why is everything always my fault?  (August 19) It discusses validation. I think it was a aha moment for my ex. The other one is called, The FP or favorite person (June 10th)

FF,
 I’m not sure I understand what, “wait for him to notice?” means. Do you mean tell him? Both the Thanksgiving and school, I was talking to him about it. Sometimes in the moment, words don’t always come and a warm response is desperately needed. It may not sound like it from my postings, but I don’t have emotional breakdowns often, or require attention to be paid to my emotional needs, if I did I would have fallen apart long ago.  What my daughter went through was heartbreaking.

I think I do a fairly good job taking care of myself. When we broke up, I was a mess, so I joined this group. The people here are amazing. Even though I may not agree or take your advice, I do listen. I’ll refer to, “The man in the arena”, the people here have shared my pain and are not on the sidelines and they have first hand knowledge and only want to help me. I can’t thank you all enough. If he called today and said it was over, at this point I don’t think it would be a big setback, but I would feel something and I’m not sure what those feelings would be.

I dated a phycologist once and he said that he admired my resolve. I have been through a lot; He is a lightweight compared to my ex husband. I told my exBP once, that there are not too many games that he could play that would be new to me. I can recognize passive aggressive a mile away. I could lead a perfectly happy life alone and I would rather do that, then be continuously mistreated, but I would rather have someone I could share my life with. I accommodated him some, but I had/have my own life separate from him. COVID did change a lot of things. I think if I could get out and do some of the hobbies I enjoy, I would be in a much better place.

Even though it would be great to have someone deposit money in my account, that would feel like blackmail to me and cold and business like. As much as possible we both need to come from a place of love. I trust that he will pay for my therapy. I trust that he is working on himself. I know he can talk the talk, but I don’t know if he can walk the walk. I can’t trust that my emotional well being is safe. Like I said before, trust is something that is earned. You trust someone when their words consistently match their actions.

Thanks CoMo, I will check it out.

I know I can be long winded and I am always impressed when people make it to the end!

B53

[formflier]

Very general statement.

Waiting for a man to mindread/notice and give you what you need/say what you need is unlikely to be a good plan.

Add in the modifier that there are BPDish tendencies/poor relationship skills and..wow.

I would plan on telling him exactly what you need and maybe over time he will get better at it.

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
I am not expecting him to read my mind.  There was seldom a reason that he would have had, to do that. He was the one who was unhappy with me most of the time, not the other way around. My unhappiness came from being painted black. One time he walked out for a week, I had no idea what I did, later he said that I gave him a look. He would walk into a room make an assessment of what I was doing and not speak to me for a week. I would later find out what he thought I was feeling, that I never felt. It was all in his distorted mind. Even if I had been upset, when was I given the opportunity to let him know. I was judge and then treated very poorly. I am not talking about being upset and expecting someone to know how I am feeling. I talking about showing empathy, after he watches me talk to my daughter who has been struggling for four months and he walks into the room after I get off FT and finds me crying.  You don’t have to read my mind to understand what is wrong. Any person that has children would understand the toll it would take, when your child is suffering and there is nothing you can do to make it better. Am I wrong here? He cared more about how he thinks I’m treating him, then to bother to ask how she is doing. If he thinks I am in the bathroom, not feeling well, wouldn’t the caring thing be, to ask if I was ok, not walk away? Is that expecting too much? He came in on Thanksgiving, hardly said a word to me and gives me the cold shoulder. When was there the opportunity to tell him how I was feeling then? It seems like he thought he could read my mind, only he was always wrong. I have asked him in every email that I sent, that I wanted counseling. I think I WAS telling him in writing how I was feeling. In the past taking him a day to  email me back would have been a BPD move. He just responded to an email I sent yesterday morning. He responded in one word, ok.  I responded to his New Years request and all I have gotten is  four unemotional emails. I gave him what he asked and now what? Am I suppose to read his mind? I have been criticized for not being validating. I have sent several emails that were paragraphs long and said many nice things so that I would be validating, since I was told that is important.  Isn’t the whole purpose of all this, to give him another chance to get back with me? In two emails I expressed how important it was for me to feel that he cares about my feelings? Isn’t that me expressing my feelings? I handed him the olive branch. Don’t you see how easy it would be to see red flags? I am going to do the right thing and start with a clean slate, believe that he cares and things will move along when the time is right. What I am not going to do is step in and take the lead. If he had not approached me, I would have moved on with my life.

I have read about BPD recovery, yes he should be able to recognize a need when it is right in front of his face. The recovery is about mindfulness, being in the present and regulating emotions. Listen to the podcast I listed above, if he is doing the hard work he can do it. If he can't then we are back at square one because this is the major problem, the other problems are subsets of it.

I feel that the BP is the hero here and I’m the bad guy. I feel like I am being seen as as stereotypical woman that expects very man to read her mind. Believe it or not, there are women who have done the hard work and treat men with dignity and respect. We are not all drama queens with an agenda. The fact that I may write something on a website when I am not at my best, trying to learn and heal, does not put me in that category. I really want to do right by him as well as myself.

B53

[B53]

I know that I have been very conflicted in my responses to the advice I have been giving on this post. I have felt like I have the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and they are battling out.  I wasn’t prepared for the option of getting back together and I think I was in the anger part of the grieving process when it happened and I was not prepared to do a 180.

Thank you livednlearned, I have read posts you have written for others and you are insightful and you are able to read the emotions behind the words that are written.

You summed it up well when you said.

“You're patient, loving, and tolerant and you've put in a lot of work, only to be hurt repeatedly. For every lap around the track he walks, you run 10. It's understandable to need a break, and to want him to have some speed and endurance for once.”

The spoon analogy is perfect and good advice. Berne Brown speaks about how to reckon with emotion and change your narrative, "the story I tell myself", Which in the future will help me to communicate.

My ex and I have communicated via email over the last few days. I told him that I enrolled myself in the course, which I did last week. I keep the suggestions that all of you have offered me, in my mind as we have communicated. He sent me an email yesterday that cracked the hard shell that I have incased myself in and it is what I needed to hear to feel hopeful and encouraged.

 He wrote:
 (How is your last letter any different from the promises of the past?) In my mind, the biggest difference is the tools.  I recall that one of the things you often said was that we needed to find someone to show us the tools that we needed to use.  Previously, the tools that I had in my toolbox were totally inadequate.  It was like trying to use a garden hose to put out a forest fire.  I believe that now I have the right tools for the job.  So those are my couple of thoughts which also go along with what I said previously about giving you the time and support that you need.

You’re so right about the stories I made up in my head.  The complexity of what needed to be unraveled up there is staggering.
 

We are working together, on the best way to move forward from here.

Thanks to all,
B53

[formflier]

  I have felt like I have the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other and they are battling out. 

Yep...I'm familiar with the battle, and even more aware that your head is in the middle of the war.

Very important that you have realized this.  Also just as important that you realize there is not a "one and done" answer for you to solve or end this war.

Over time...I hope we can guide you to more of a spirited discussion and less of a war.  Maybe even one day it will be a "healthy debate".

Important to realize where you are and even more important to be kind to yourself.

Also be kind to yourself for those times when there is frustration that you didn't express yourself the best...or heaven forbid...those times when you question how you could have ever written such a thing.

It's ok...we've got you and we've been there (and likely will be there again someday).

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

We are working together, on the best way to move forward from here.

Big!

[B53]

Thanks

[B53]

Hi,
It has been 20 days since I agreed to give it another try. I have not seen or talked to him. We have been emailing. I asked him several questions as to how is he prepared for moving forward. His responses have been well written. The thing is, his emails have been void of emotion and bordering on cold, almost robotic and it takes him almost a day to respond. I asked him if he would like to meet for some light conversation and he said he wanted to wait until I found a therapist. I can’t even begin to tell you how many I have contacted and they all say they are not taking new patients and he is not helping me, so once again I’m doing all the work to make this work. I have asked him several times if he could return my messages sooner. It’s causing me discomfort because this is what he would do in the past during bad times and I said I would appreciate it if he put some feelings into his emails, that would let me know he  really wants to do this. Then he mentioned in his next email that when he thinks of me he gets a sexual feeling, that’s it. When I questioned him again he said he was feeling depressed and was going to start medication.

One of the main issues we have had is that when things are good, loving and happy that triggers an episode. I don’t think he is playing games or manipulating. I feel and I don’t know, that he just can’t let himself be happy and he is sabotaging it. He got what he so badly wanted and instead of embracing it, he is pushing me away.
I feel so sad for him, but this is very painful for me. I’m not walking away because it’s just a matter of time before he does.
I am so deflated.
B53

[formflier]

I'm so sorry you are wrestling with this painful situation. 

So, do I have this right that you are frustrated with the pace of reconciliation/reconnection?

As a very general statement, I would hope you can be deliberate about accepting things as they are now and finding enjoyment in the situation as it is right now, while holding open the door for more in the future.

If more comes...great.

If it doesn't come...you still have an enjoyable life.


How does that sound as you read that a couple of times?

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
Well, I think he just broke up with me. He said he is sorry he is not the man, I wanted him to be. He is the victim.
 I was telling him that I wanted him to respond to my emails and show me that this is what he wants. He didn’t have to read my mind, I was asking him.  We use to text each other everyday and say good morning and good night when ever we were apart. He was very animated, talkative.  He isn’t anything like the person I know. I know I was use to being loved bombed, but from back to nothing. He could say, Maybe how are you doing today or nice to be talking to you again, have a nice day. Just anything other than just answering a question. I’m not asking for a huge declaration of love, just pleasantries. I feel like I’m talking a robot,  I mean I haven’t said a lot, but I mentioned starting to feel hopeful, I asked to meet and he told be of a flashback he had. My answer was I’m sorry that you had to go through that. That must have been awful. I’m was trying to me caring.

I know I have been very anxious and I told him that I was feeling a little depressed.
 
I mean I know that you are right , I should of accepted the way things are now and work from there. It’s too late now.
B53


He approached me, he could act happy about it.
B53

[formflier]

 

Please take some time to care for yourself this evening.  Something extra special.  What would that look like?

Best,

FF

[B53]

I have someone coming over to do stuff for my work. I think this the cruelest thing he has ever done.

I sent him an apology. I feel he was probably feeling I was attacking him. I am sorry for that. I been telling him that I am extremely anxious and having a difficult time. He has never been there for me before, why would I think he would be there now. It is probably a blessing.

[ForeverDad]

Due to the risk that many here could face legal consequences if they worded their apology wrong (as in "I'm sorry we had that fight" which could be used to make false allegations of DV) then be cautious how and even whether to apologize.

A legally safer way could be something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way."  It addresses the emotional situation.  No court, officer or agency would act on hurt feelings.

[B53]

Thank you FF,
Legal issues is not something I would worry about. First of all we are not married and we have our own homes. He is not on the high conflict side, more depressive. I feel a good part of it was my fault and that is not something I like to admit. But, this would never of happened if he didn’t have BPD. We have never done well communicating by email. When I get upset I have a hard time expressing myself it comes out like I’m attacking, when in reality it’s frustration, which can eventually lead to wanting desperately to be understood. After two years of being BPed, I have started to react, something that for much of our relationship, I was able to control. The situation that happened, would not of happened in person. I have spent a lot of time on self improvement and near the end I have noticed that my old way of reacting is returning and I need to address it. Trying to express myself over email seems to trigger me. 

I’m use to being love bombed to have that totally taken away was not something that I expected. I’m not sure why he was behaving the way he was, but I should of waited to address it. I have been looking for a therapist and I keep getting told they are not taking any new patients. I have been turned down by at least ten or more and it is starting to get to me. Our whole reunion was planned to begin when a therapist was in place. It’s been 20 days and we haven’t even talked. No therapist, no reunion, no signs of affection and add being stuck alone in the house because of COVID is effecting me. I think I was hoping for some empathy and a need to feel some love.
I apologized and if he doesn’t respond, then that’s the end and I move one. I'll go pour my heart out again on the detaching forum. I am physically and mentally exhausted.

B53

[formflier]

  I am physically and mentally exhausted.

B53

Focus on this.  Focus on caring for yourself.  Take an extra walk, eat some extra fresh veggies...decide to handle those papers later and get some extra sleep.

We're with you on this...

Best,

FF

[B53]

Thanks FF!
We are going to meet. We never have issues when we are face to face. We always have problems with emails, what were we thinking. I’m willing to listen. In my head, I would be happy if he says it’s not going to work, I just wish my heart was on the same page.
B53

[formflier]

  We always have problems with emails

So...help me understand your choose to use email and similar forms of communication?

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
The reason we were emailing was because the plan was to have a therapist in place and then go from there. Then his and my therapist could talk to each other and they could help us do things like set up reasonable  boundaries and expectations. Remember when I said that I wanted him to do certain things and you told me it was too much to except from a BP. A therapist could point it out and help me find other ways to get my needs met. What we were not expecting was how hard it's has been finding one. The whole country is going crazy with COVID and they are booked. They can choose people who are going to pay the highest and not use insurance. I also want one that is familiar with BPD or at lease mood disorders or behavioral issues. He is already paying out of pocket for his therapist and can afford to pay out of pocket for one for me, but that will make things tight for him. That was one of the email issues that was causing me angst. He said at one time he would pay out of pocket for me, but I wanted to double check before I contacted one. He didn't answer my email until a day and a half later, then we got off topic and he never answered my question.I can sense something is not right with him. He said he was depressed and was  going to start taking medication, but he could of told me before the fact. He would always share things like that with me. If he had shared that sooner, things might have ended differently. I asked him something a few days before and he wrote back asking if we were still on. I read back the email and I'm not sure why he thought differently, except sometimes I have difficult time explaining myself and he took something from that. I tell him all the time not to read negative things into anything I write because my intentions are never to be hurtful or unkind. Remember the first letter he wrote that started this thread. Someone pointed out that it was a little cold, not the kind of letter that someone would write if they wanted someone to come back. I didn't think much of it, but then all of his emails are like that.He isn't engaging. With him waiting so long to answer my emails and showing no emotion, I was wondering if he had changed his mind. I know he is learning to regulate emotions, but that shouldn't eliminate them. There is hardly anything that gives me the feeling that he is even the same person. I don't know what to think. I will see when we meet. I don't need love bombing, but I need something. It is so strange, if I didn't know better I would think he was on drugs.
B53

[formflier]

Hmm...I'm going to circle back again.

If there is a mode of communication that isn't working, you and you alone can decide not to use it.

So...only talk on the phone or only in person or..

You get the picture. 

That way you can focus on the relationship without the distraction of an unhelpful mode of communication.

Of course, sometimes you being to wonder if it's the mode of communication or something else...

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
Your right on both accounts. That communication doesn’t work. I don’t think the issue would of come up at all if we had been talking. At least I don’t think so. I asked him early on to get together and he turned me down.
There is a BP issue, but it could also just be a couples issue. As we remember there was the whole talk of having someone read your mind. I now realize that in the past I will ask for what I need ( this is when I am not in obvious emotional turmoil or illness) and it is often not responded to. You probably noticed it was a touchy subject, I try hard not to do all stereotypical female reactions,  like nagging or silent treatment, mind reading. Often I just give up and take care of what it is myself, if I can. I don’t like confrontation but at this point when I’m not being heard. I’ll be a little more forceful and direct, but it doesn’t seem to matter because the only way he seems to hear me is when I act out. Then I get his attention and the response is negative. My acting out didn’t happen often  and when it did it was the result of great frustration. It may not come across this way, but people tell me that I am a very patient person. I joke it’s my only virtue.
After several attempts to try to connect with him, I wrote that I was feeling that he changed his mind and maybe he doesn’t want to do it.  He said that he was trying to keep his feelings in check.  I wrote, I would like some reassurance because to me it feels like you don’t care. I wrote that I want to start feeling the love, joy and fun, the reason we are doing this. I feel like you are in your world and I am in mine. When things are good we have such a special connection. Then I say, I’m not saying that you feel this way, because I don’t know, that’s the problem, I don’t know. All I would need to hear is, I’m am excited about making this work or I’m sorry it comes across like I don’t care, this really is important to me, a connection to something personal between us.  The only positive comment he responded was that when he thinks of me he is aroused. That is the only personal positive statement I have received. Everything else is like an answer to an essay question, it is not that it’s not positive, but it’s not personal. This could be written to anyone. Knowing the temperament of BP, I try to write everything as kindly as possible. But I get a little bolder. I say I am asking you for what I need and your not listening and I copy a few sections I had written. I often state that it is hard to read tones in emails and I hope he believes that what I write is never meant to be unkind or uncaring in any way. You know, walking on eggshells. His response is that he guesses that he can’t  be the man I want.

This is a guy who supposedly wants me back. He has said that he has made mistakes in the past and he wanted to make it up to me. I am working really hard to find a therapist. The only thing I can think of to have done differently was to keep my mouth shut and wait for a therapist.  It’s been 22 days. He sent me this long email on how he was learning empathy. I am so confused and dispirited. After being on this site, My gut knew it was a bad idea, but we always hope things will change.
He is coming over later today. I am going to listen to my CD about communicating with love and styles of arguing to avoid. Have an open mind.
Thanks for listening.
B53

 

[formflier]

I now realize that in the past I will ask for what I need ( this is when I am not in obvious emotional turmoil or illness) and it is often not responded to. 

This SCREAMS at me with THE answer.

Do you believe what he "told" you in each of these instances?

I'm not arguing with you, I am hoping you will "try on" a different...or a few different, points of view.

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

B53, my heart goes out to you. How frustrating to not be able to find a therapist because of covid, and have that be a factor in this delicate moment in your relationship.

It sounds like this in-person meeting with him today could help answer questions about what he's feeling, and temporarily soothe some of the anxieties you're feeling about where he's at.

I'm curious. Have you ever experienced these feelings before? Has anyone else -- anyone significant -- been unavailable to you in a significant relationship like this?

[B53]

Thanks L, that means a lot to me!

I’m already feeling sick to my stomach.

Yes those feelings go way back.   Been working on this for years. I grew up being emotionally neglected. I grew up in an upper middle class family and my physical needs were met. Well dressed, well fed.  My mother was a narcissist and my dad was always gone. I think my dad could actually of been BP. He was always mad at my mom and his mood could change at the drop of a hat. A lot of yelling. No one ever came to hardly anything I did, sports, gymnastics or cheerleading. They never said anything about my grades and I didn’t have a curfew. Can you imagine your teenage daughter coming in at 3am and no one even noticing. As long as I made my bed and was home for dinner, then I was good. I have always taken care of myself for as long as I can remember.

My  therapist, from years ago, thought it was surprising that I wasn’t promiscuous. I think my saving grace was that I had a great group of friends, guys and girls, that were very caring for each other. Most of us are still close today. I know that if I really needed them, they would be there for me. I had the same best friend since I was in the first grade. She was an only child and her mother was like a mother to me.

They talk about in psychology that everyone has their currency, that which motivates them and you need to know what that is to  keep your partner happy. It is already my personality type INFJ and with my past, mine is validation, acknowledgment. I not needy, but a nice job , good morning goes a long way for me. I sense people’s feelings and negative feelings and moods in people or groups is upsetting to me. The hypersensitivity.

Being love bombed is of course the best thing ever! Even though it’s great, I don’t need all that, but going from that to zero is hard. I think We have been apart long enough to be ok, I never got my self worth from him anyway, but it’s not giving me what I need to trust someone who has hurt me in the past.

My gut is telling me that this isn’t going to end well, but I want to stay positive and not let my gut feeling sabotage the outcome.
B53

[livednlearned]

My gut is telling me that this isn’t going to end well, but I want to stay positive and not let my gut feeling sabotage the outcome.

This makes sense if you were not able to get what you deserved from emotionally absent parents.

Your gut becomes all too familiar with disappointment because the people selected for these important *significant* spousal roles are not capable of giving what you ultimately deserve. It's almost like, "See? I told you so. No one loves me" when our partners fail.

The saving grace is your amazing resilience, and the ability to find supportive loving friends who demonstrate what your family dynamics suggested otherwise.

It bodes well for you that this support system is in place. 

What do you think is generating the feeling of being sick to your stomach?