Boundaries/ Making good things happen?

[rebekkah]

I've been reading all the posts on here about boundaries and they are truly fantastic. One part I don't get is positive boundaries, and how to make GOOD things happen? Somehow it seems much easier to hold a boundary on a negative (eg., I will not spend all summer with you in your city but we can go on  trips) than a positive (eg., can we book the summer trips we discussed because...). Like I can say no but how to make the yes happen when it involves us both? I don't want to force things/him but a bit of follow through on actions would improve the whole relationship.

In the summer trip example this year we ended up spending zero time outside my garden and home. As in, actually zero. My therapist suggested just book somewhere independently then invite him; I did that, he hummed and ha'ed and the day before decided to go abroad alone, quite suddenly. My friend ended up coming with me and my son to the place i'd booked but relationship wise, it was kinda a waste of a summer, especially as he'd had so many big plans for spending time together and travelling at the start.

I ask because a part of me worries that we will never do ANYTHING unless I get better at managing this issue!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I love talking about boundaries.  They were one of the top things that improved my relationship with a pwBPD.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I think you will find the above article very helpful and educational.  I would love to hear your thoughts after you read it.

Like I can say no but how to make the yes happen when it involves us both? 

So...there really is no way to use boundaries to ensure a yes reply from someone else. 

One of the ways that I look at boundaries is that they define who gets to say yes or no to a certain thing.

If it involves me, well...that's inside my boundaries and I get the say..100%.

If it is someone else, I can ask...but ultimately it's completely up to them, regardless of what I "want".

Looking forward to talk with you further about boundaries.

Best,

FF

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi rebekkah:

Somehow it seems much easier to hold a boundary on a negative (eg., I will not spend all summer with you in your city but we can go on  trips) than a positive (eg., can we book the summer trips we discussed because...). Like I can say no but how to make the yes happen when it involves us both?  

You can only set boundaries regarding things you have control over.  You can't make him go on vacations with you, as that's within his control.  You have no power to change him.  It's up to you to enforce your boundaries (which you have control over).  If you aren't consistent with enforcement, you will never be taken seriously.

You may have to radically accept him for who he is.  Even if you get him to go on occasional vacations now, it probably unlikely that it would be a consistent situation for the long run.