She’s gone...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My wife of one year left me 6 weeks ago. I have BPD. We were each other’s best friends for 5 years before we got married. I have been so lost, so empty in so much pain it’s unbearable. I’ve already spent a week in the hospital after a suicide attempt. When I got home she would text me to check on me and see how I was doing. How the dog was. How a job interview went etc. this all kept me hopeful. All my time and energy was spent in extreme hope she still wanted me and it would work out to checking my phone a thousand times a day hoping for word from her. When I realized she did a change of address and told me not to put her on my health insurance I finally swallowed the fact that she really is gone and we are over.

When this knowledge came to me (a week ago) I shut her cell phone off (it was on my account) changed my phone number, deleted my email account (I’ve used for 15 years) permanently deleted my Facebook account and any social media and messing service I have ever had all without telling her before I did it. I have completely redecorated my entire apartment (mostly with depression related art) the entire color scheme and feel of the place to where it barely looks like the same place. I even got a new bed. She literally has no way to contact me short of showing up as I can’t move right now.

It’s been a week now and instead of feeling any relief I actually feel worse. I break down in huge crying spells several times a day every day still, I still hold out hope... today is Christmas Day. It was supposed to be our first Christmas together as a couple. I volunteered to work (a job I took after she left and doesn’t even know I have) I payed in bed and cried the entire 5 hours after I woke up before I had to come in to work. I feel as if I’m drowning. Like this sorrow, this pain is swallowing me down to a place I will never recover...I’m so lost

I

[Melancholy1701]

My wife of one year left me 6 weeks ago. I have BPD. We were each other’s best friends for 5 years before we got married. I have been so lost, so empty in so much pain it’s unbearable. I’ve already spent a week in the hospital after a suicide attempt. When I got home she would text me to check on me and see how I was doing. How the dog was. How a job interview went etc. this all kept me hopeful. All my time and energy was spent in extreme hope she still wanted me and it would work out to checking my phone a thousand times a day hoping for word from her. When I realized she did a change of address and told me not to put her on my health insurance I finally swallowed the fact that she really is gone and we are over.

When this knowledge came to me (a week ago) I shut her cell phone off (it was on my account) changed my phone number, deleted my email account (I’ve used for 15 years) permanently deleted my Facebook account and any social media and messing service I have ever had all without telling her before I did it. I have completely redecorated my entire apartment (mostly with depression related art) the entire color scheme and feel of the place to where it barely looks like the same place. I even got a new bed. She literally has no way to contact me short of showing up as I can’t move right now.

It’s been a week now and instead of feeling any relief I actually feel worse. I break down in huge crying spells several times a day every day still, I still hold out hope... today is Christmas Day. It was supposed to be our first Christmas together as a couple. I volunteered to work (a job I took after she left and doesn’t even know I have) I payed in bed and cried the entire 5 hours after I woke up before I had to come in to work. I feel as if I’m drowning. Like this sorrow, this pain is swallowing me down to a place I will never recover...I’m so lost

I

[cash05458]

may I ask why your response was doing all that extreme stuff?  for most, that wouldn't be a good response...it's like you want to burn every memory out...but at the same time are sad about it...your actions say you want her gone yes? most folks would think that way...and then you question and wonder if coming back?  You do realize right...your actions are just insuring she most likely will not be coming back...or if she does, she might be totally confused and afraid...

what is your wanted goal here if I may ask?

[Mutt]

Hi Melancholy1701,

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, but it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer. There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I wish you well on your journey

—Mutt