Breaking up -my clarity and no contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This disease is degenerative it’s repetitive and each time I have circled around and reconnected with my now ex . I have lost more of myself and I am drained . My codependent ways allowed this to go on for too long I loved him and gave him soo many chances but the pressure of walking on eggshells and feeling miserable and strained with this relationship taking so much and leaving me scrambled. I know better ! I have known none of these traits in a man are what I was looking for but I allowed myself to be love bombed and now felt stuck ...

My needs dont matter No matter how small will never be met , there will be no consistency, and special moments that matter to me will be poisoned at the very least and destroyed at the worst. I have been in a relationship for almost three years and tried to end it many times. I have been too weak to not give in to the promises for change. I guess I needed to see over time those to were only tactics . My clarity happened this Christmas... it was the first time I have had all my children together in 5 years  and it was beautiful And to me perfect ! He was there and promised me he wouldn’t do anything to ruin it. He waited to pull his stunt at the end of the night and passive aggressively and I didn’t react so he upped the ante and was ugly to me in front of my oldest daughter that’s when I finally just felt it break . No more were my thoughts “why is he saying this ?” Or why is he doIng this ?” But listening to it and accepting “He really said that and he really did that ...”

I was done really done . And I know my life, health,happiness and future depend on me sticking to this . Some people no matter how hard can be with a BPD SO but I’m not that person I tried my best ! . It’s not for me I am just not able to choose it anymore .I’m sensitive and need someone I can have a secure attachment with I don’t want to rescue or caretaker anyone. I hate drama and I’m tired of being stuck .

I just need help and support to be brave enough to stay no contact and kill my pride and ego to admit this relationship failed and I presented it to be something it never was ... what I wanted it to be and there will be repercussions since we have a New nonprofit together, go to a close knit church together and my kids, family and friends were just starting to trust him again and thatS my fault.

And I need to figure out how to sort out my life from his. I think he will use any and every issue to break the no contact . I pre told him that if he violated any of my boundaries one more time it was over I was cutting him off and I didn’t owe him a long explanation I’ve said enough of the same thing over the past 3 years. I can’t sacrifice my life anymore ... I feel like he’s going to launch an all out war against me, he’s already posting multiple pictures and scriptures on his website of us together and left many messages in my inbox that I am deciding not to listen too.

I made myself clear that he never went to therapy after his diagnosis he has every excuse under the book. I feel used and cheated and manipulated but mostly mad at myself ...I have made a big mess of my life with this relationship and I am praying that God will save me and help me not go back !

[Purplerain23]

This disease is degenerative it’s repetitive and each time I have circled around and reconnected with my now ex . I have lost more of myself and I am drained . My codependent ways allowed this to go on for too long I loved him and gave him soo many chances but the pressure of walking on eggshells and feeling miserable and strained with this relationship taking so much and leaving me scrambled. I know better ! I have known none of these traits in a man are what I was looking for but I allowed myself to be love bombed and now felt stuck ...

My needs dont matter No matter how small will never be met , there will be no consistency, and special moments that matter to me will be poisoned at the very least and destroyed at the worst. I have been in a relationship for almost three years and tried to end it many times. I have been too weak to not give in to the promises for change. I guess I needed to see over time those to were only tactics . My clarity happened this Christmas... it was the first time I have had all my children together in 5 years  and it was beautiful And to me perfect ! He was there and promised me he wouldn’t do anything to ruin it. He waited to pull his stunt at the end of the night and passive aggressively and I didn’t react so he upped the ante and was ugly to me in front of my oldest daughter that’s when I finally just felt it break . No more were my thoughts “why is he saying this ?” Or why is he doIng this ?” But listening to it and accepting “He really said that and he really did that ...”

I was done really done . And I know my life, health,happiness and future depend on me sticking to this . Some people no matter how hard can be with a BPD SO but I’m not that person I tried my best ! . It’s not for me I am just not able to choose it anymore .I’m sensitive and need someone I can have a secure attachment with I don’t want to rescue or caretaker anyone. I hate drama and I’m tired of being stuck .

I just need help and support to be brave enough to stay no contact and kill my pride and ego to admit this relationship failed and I presented it to be something it never was ... what I wanted it to be and there will be repercussions since we have a New nonprofit together, go to a close knit church together and my kids, family and friends were just starting to trust him again and thatS my fault.

And I need to figure out how to sort out my life from his. I think he will use any and every issue to break the no contact . I pre told him that if he violated any of my boundaries one more time it was over I was cutting him off and I didn’t owe him a long explanation I’ve said enough of the same thing over the past 3 years. I can’t sacrifice my life anymore ... I feel like he’s going to launch an all out war against me, he’s already posting multiple pictures and scriptures on his website of us together and left many messages in my inbox that I am deciding not to listen too.

I made myself clear that he never went to therapy after his diagnosis he has every excuse under the book. I feel used and cheated and manipulated but mostly mad at myself ...I have made a big mess of my life with this relationship and I am praying that God will save me and help me not go back !

[Mutt]

Hi Purplerain23, 

I'm glad to hear that you spent a good Christmas with all of your kids - that must of been special. I'm glad to hear that you are following your gut feelings it sounds like you have reached your limit in the r/s and want better for yourself.

go to a close knit church together and my kids, family and friends were just starting to trust him again and thatS my fault.

What do you mean by it is your responsibility?

And I need to figure out how to sort out my life from his. I think he will use any and every issue to break the no contact

You are right in saying that.

pre told him that if he violated any of my boundaries one more time it was over I was cutting him off and I didn’t owe him a long explanation I’ve said enough of the same thing over the past 3 years.

I agree that you don't have to justify your reasons or explain yourself.

I feel like he’s going to launch an all out war against me, he’s already posting multiple pictures and scriptures on his website of us together and left many messages in my inbox that I am deciding not to listen too.

I would like to suggest something that will help your wellbeing because like you said he will likely up the ante. I would suggest for the time being ( you can change this later when things calm down if you choose to ) create a message rule for his email and create a new folder so that you can have the messages skip your inbox and go to their own folder so that if you choose to read the messages you can do so on a block of time of your choosing instead of reading something by accident because it is in your inbox.

Lean on the boards and on the people here when you feel the urge to contact him or if you are finding it difficult to not respond to him when he contacts you. Start a new thread to talk about it, if you don't feel like you have the energy to create a discussion then sometimes joining a discussion helps because it reframes your thoughts and it can remind you of your situation and your goal.

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way

[Purplerain23]

Thank you mutt for replying I took your advice and did everything I could on my email , phone ect but I’m going to have to get a new phone and number... he did up the ante ... he came to my job yesterday and I had to call the police . I am going to start a new thread to get feedback on others who filed a restraining order ... this is one of my only places where I know people will “get it” otherwise they are under his spell. When I reference it was my responsibility because people at my church respected me and o made everything seem like it was okay when it wasn’t ... also when a few people did know and try to help ... instead of being brave enough to stay separated I took him back and stopped talking to them ...

[Mutt]

Hi Purplerain23,

Happy New Year  I'm sorry that happened. I like how you said people here get it. You can explain yourself to others in real life and they may say something like well you must of done something to get a reaction like. It's such a huge relief when you don't have to explain yourself. I'm talking to the choir here. That's a good idea with starting a new thread.

I'll give you a couple of links. The first is on extinction bursts the behaviors get worse before they get better there is good news.

Extinction Burst - The term extinction burst describes the phenomena of behavior temporarily getting worse, not better, when the reinforcement stops. Spontaneous Recovery - Behavior affected by extinction is apt to recur in the future when the trigger is presented again.

BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

R/s recycles it very common with members that are in a r/s with a pwBPD. You're not alone and it is friends and family they'll be more understanding then someone that you don't really know.

Relationship recycling [romantic partners]