Can't give any more chances (vent)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Try to keep a long story short

- together 3-4 years, married 2
- 1 toddler together
- she has 2 older children from 2 previous men
- both of us are in our 30's
- broke up multiple times before pregancy
- after our child turned 1 she cheated on me with an emotional affair that turned physical after after we broke up when she wouldn't stop talking to him
- she came running back and lovebombing me (wild sex daily for a month) so for the sake of our family i let her move in with me, we lived together for another year
- caught her snapchatting another "guy friend" from her past, heart emojis and him calling her baby, later found his d pics on her phone from when we split, confronted her, she deleted and blocked him (allegedly) so i let it go, again. Asked her for honesty from here on out.
- she imploded our relationship a second time, withholding sex, buying herself sex toys, talking about being bisexual. so i told her if she's so unhappy just leave. she moved back in with her parents ( for the record our sex was always great, she always got off multiple times before me and gave me stellar ratings)
- she kept reaching out to me after seperating, things got physical again and have been that way for several months, fooling around and spending time together here, even celebrated xmas together
- she started getting shifty again last month or so and my spidey senses told me to take a drive past her home. noticed a car parked awkwardly on the side of the house. Confronted her. She swore on her and my life, to my face, that car had nothing to do with her, was neighbors.
- Series of clues led me to confront her day after xmas because we were already arguing and I knew it was another one of her guy "friends" the car belonged to
- She denied until she finally gave in (i guilted her) and maybe realized I wasn't bluffing. I didn't ask for details and she hasnt given any which tells me something happened.

We're not talking at the moment.

I know she really does love me. I've stuck by her side longer than anyone ever has. Fought through all the lies and rage fits and highs and lows of her BPD. I can't keep living like this though. It's too much. I've given her so many chances. I've begged and pleaded. I've sent texts pouring my soul out to her and begging her to trust me. It's like shes addicted to lying.

[BPDsysiphus]

Try to keep a long story short

- together 3-4 years, married 2
- 1 toddler together
- she has 2 older children from 2 previous men
- both of us are in our 30's
- broke up multiple times before pregancy
- after our child turned 1 she cheated on me with an emotional affair that turned physical after after we broke up when she wouldn't stop talking to him
- she came running back and lovebombing me (wild sex daily for a month) so for the sake of our family i let her move in with me, we lived together for another year
- caught her snapchatting another "guy friend" from her past, heart emojis and him calling her baby, later found his d pics on her phone from when we split, confronted her, she deleted and blocked him (allegedly) so i let it go, again. Asked her for honesty from here on out.
- she imploded our relationship a second time, withholding sex, buying herself sex toys, talking about being bisexual. so i told her if she's so unhappy just leave. she moved back in with her parents ( for the record our sex was always great, she always got off multiple times before me and gave me stellar ratings)
- she kept reaching out to me after seperating, things got physical again and have been that way for several months, fooling around and spending time together here, even celebrated xmas together
- she started getting shifty again last month or so and my spidey senses told me to take a drive past her home. noticed a car parked awkwardly on the side of the house. Confronted her. She swore on her and my life, to my face, that car had nothing to do with her, was neighbors.
- Series of clues led me to confront her day after xmas because we were already arguing and I knew it was another one of her guy "friends" the car belonged to
- She denied until she finally gave in (i guilted her) and maybe realized I wasn't bluffing. I didn't ask for details and she hasnt given any which tells me something happened.

We're not talking at the moment.

I know she really does love me. I've stuck by her side longer than anyone ever has. Fought through all the lies and rage fits and highs and lows of her BPD. I can't keep living like this though. It's too much. I've given her so many chances. I've begged and pleaded. I've sent texts pouring my soul out to her and begging her to trust me. It's like shes addicted to lying.

[cash05458]

I am new here...and sorry you are going thru this...but same here via my recent ending...I would say addicted to destruction really...whatever stands in the way of that will be destroyed...destroy to destroy...why do any of this need this? This thing, and mine, is so far beyond any simple idea of love tho love is complex...it ain't this...

[BPDsysiphus]

I am new here...and sorry you are going thru this...but same here via my recent ending...I would say addicted to destruction really...whatever stands in the way of that will be destroyed...destroy to destroy...why do any of this need this? This thing, and mine, is so far beyond any simple idea of love tho love is complex...it ain't this...

Baffling. I literally told her "i love you, i just wish you loved me as much". Thats when she confessed and told me never to say she doesn't love me as much as I do her and that I have no idea. Why keep derailing us then? Why can't they stop themselves? I'm not angry anymore, I used to be the first few times she betrayed me. I'm just tired and sad.

[dumpsterdog]

Sadly, from my experience over the last 9 years now..it wont change...BPD women, and it certainly sounds like she is, cant change...the leopard will always have the same spots...Like any other toxic, hurtful thing in your life, the only way to make the pain stop is to get rid of it, and that hurts too...so its lose, lose, ...sorry you are going through this. it isnt fair, but it wont change...

Sorry for the bluntness, but I know first hand and just sharing so that maybe you can get some closure, because you wont get it from her ever.

My sympathy.

[BPDsysiphus]

Sadly, from my experience over the last 9 years now..it wont change...BPD women, and it certainly sounds like she is, cant change...the leopard will always have the same spots...Like any other toxic, hurtful thing in your life, the only way to make the pain stop is to get rid of it, and that hurts too...so its lose, lose, ...sorry you are going through this. it isnt fair, but it wont change...

Sorry for the bluntness, but I know first hand and just sharing so that maybe you can get some closure, because you wont get it from her ever.

My sympathy.

I appreciate it and know you're right. I think thats why I'm so emotionless at this point. Her first spat of infidelity had me on the ropes, I didnt expect it. That was almost 2 years ago. Now it just feels like groundhog day.

She has all the other hallmarks of BPD. She knows shes sick. Shes done her own research without my input and came to the same conclusion.

I don't see any way of making it work with her. The trust is gone, it's been gone a long time, this was just kicking a dead horse.

Im scared of the future. Who shes going to bring my son around. The divorce process. Seeing her around other men knowing shes giving them the lovebombing phase, giving them her best self that she used to give me. I know they wont last, it just sucks that this what I have to look forward to.

I'm a codependent with no friends, family or parents (deceased). Her and my son are all I really have which makes everything that much harder mentally.

I'm just going to take it one day at a time. What else can I do.

[dumpsterdog]

as a reference, i spent two years with barely any sex at the end of the rship...after having moved out three times in the first 6 years, always her " taking me back " as she called it ( extreme narcissism )...then being castrated daily and expected to be her man servant at home doing chores , paying bills, at her beck and call, baby sitting her kids... while she was going to sex parties all over town, dating other men and women, and having three somes while telling eveyone else she was single,  and never inviting me and thought i didnt know what she was doing, then calling the cops whenever I would not do what she demanded, and routinely attacked me with things like candlesticks and hammers, cutting up my clothes with scissors and destroying my stuff if i was ever late getting home etc...after ..in the beginning , she asked me to move in with her, told me she loved me and lets get married after dating about a month...im sure you know the rest.
Be well...without her.

[BPDsysiphus]

as a reference, i spent two years with barely any sex at the end of the rship...after having moved out three times in the first 6 years, always her " taking me back " as she called it ( extreme narcissism )...then being castrated daily and expected to be her man servant at home doing chores , paying bills, at her beck and call, baby sitting her kids... while she was going to sex parties all over town, dating other men and women, and having three somes while telling eveyone else she was single,  and never inviting me and thought i didnt know what she was doing, then calling the cops whenever I would not do what she demanded, and routinely attacked me with things like candlesticks and hammers, cutting up my clothes with scissors and destroying my stuff if i was ever late getting home etc...after ..in the beginning , she asked me to move in with her, told me she loved me and lets get married after dating about a month...im sure you know the rest.
Be well...without her.

Yikes. That sounds horrible. Thankfully mine doesn't have that narcissism streak in her. She's not malevolent in her actions. She can be incredibly empathetic and thoughtful. Infidelity/lying, mood swings/raging and just being irresponsible/impulsive are her symptoms. I too had to carry most of the weight, cooking, cleaning, paying bills etc. while she sat on the couch and watched tv or played on her phone all day. Extreme laziness that she would say was because "she felt like cement" and couldn't motivate herself to pull her weight. You see why I still have empathy, because its not a mean thing, it's more like a cluelessness and innocent selfishness that seems to take control of her. Hence why Ive stuck around for so long and try to "save her".

[BPDsysiphus]

Wow. So I just did a little gravedigging for old threads about cheating BPD partners and came across this one.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=215314.0;all

My eyes are so open now. So many stories similar to mine its unbelievable.

I had a revelation while reading the reply below from that thread.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=215314.msg12358854#msg12358854

"Found in a notebook of hers

'The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun' "

My BPD partner has an obsession with Harry Potter, despite being in her 30's. Literally watches the movies constantly, tons of memorabilia etc. I asked her on more than one occassion why she liked it so much and what got her hooked. She would just say "magic" or some vague answer. What I realized is one of the lines in Harry Potter is "i solemly swear that I am up to no good". I can't help but think this mantra plays a role in her attraction to the series.

[dumpsterdog]

she called tonight..crying...sad...wondering why everyone hates her...wishes things would've been different with us"...which i can take as close to an apology as i will ever get...now shes coming back around now that apparently everyone else has left her...i do not know how i feel about this...asking me " what did i do wrong "...to which i dare not start reciting the list..

thoughts?

[grumpydonut]

Dumpster, you can naively believe her false apology (false in the sense that she is only apologising because she 'needs' you atm, not because she is truly remorseful) and take her back, or you can hold her accountable for her behaviour and trust the hundreds of stories on this site, as well as psychological science, that suggests things will not get any better and you are only setting yourself up for more pain. Your emotional seat in your mind will say "but this time it'll be different" or "she must really love me" but it's often not the case.

Borderline = unstable interpersonal relationships.

If she's borderline, that's what occurs. If it didn't occur, she wouldn't be borderline. What does that mean for you?

[dumpsterdog]

thanks

[SinisterComplex]

she called tonight..crying...sad...wondering why everyone hates her...wishes things would've been different with us"...which i can take as close to an apology as i will ever get...now shes coming back around now that apparently everyone else has left her...i do not know how i feel about this...asking me " what did i do wrong "...to which i dare not start reciting the list..

thoughts?

Bottom line...don't be an emotional tampon. Happily in your mind tell her to go kick rocks! She made her bed...let her lay in it. Not your responsibility to clean up her mess.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[cash05458]

I concur with the above...don't buy the innocence b.s...or that it is out of their control...what I have noticed is they use their pasts and trauma like an instrument or tool or weapon to get what they want...it is a language they have learned...and it works with codependents like us very very well...try to suspend your natural empathy...override it if possible...try to deal with it almost as if it were objectively happening to someone else and how you might see their responses and the situation..i.e separate the forest from the trees...