How good was your BPD at hiding cheating?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm just wondering…... would like to hear stories from people out there about finding out that their exBPD cheated and how they hid it, etc.?

[vangirl60]

I'm just wondering…... would like to hear stories from people out there about finding out that their exBPD cheated and how they hid it, etc.?

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I'm just wondering…... would like to hear stories from people out there about finding out that their exBPD cheated and how they hid it, etc.?

extremely extremely well! I really have to go to bed now but will share my story tomorrow vangirl. We'll talk!

[vangirl60]

Looking forward to it Iwalk-Heruns! Actually looking very forward to the discussion on this board cause I'm sure there's some great stories out there. I've been apart from uBPDexbf for 2 years and I'm just now piecing a few things together with everything I've learned here and going wow…... I'll bet he was cheating when he was going ballistic on me that time….putting the pieces together

[Octoberfest]

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

I'm not going to go into my stories of my BPDex cheating again. I don't want to relive it again.

[vangirl60]

yep Octoberfest, I sometimes think I always knew something was up but it was so cleverly cloaked and yes i chose to ignore a lot of things.

[MrFox]

She was pretty good but I knew something wasn't right.  I knew her history.  I knew that she had even pursued me while being in other relationships.  And, I know that I ignored my own instincts.  I just didn't know the extent until after the relationship ended.

[hurtbyboderline]

Vangirl60, The first 2 months I was with my exBPDGF I had no idea she was cheating until 2 days before she left me to go back with her ex. BUT , I was not looking for signs. I just assumed she was being faithful even though I knew she had a past history of cheating.  She came over at 6 am, jumped in bed with me naked & I saw what sure looked like & I'm sure was, semen... .Anyway, she left me for 2 months to be with him, then came back to me for 4 years. 2 months after we were back together I was suspicious so I went to her ex BF's house at her lunch time (parked down the street in my Dad's car). She called me & asked me where I was & I said "at home" (yes I lied, one on my pet peeves). Home was 25 miles away so she knew if I was there she'd have time. So as we were talking I saw her car turn the corner & park in front of her ex BF's house. She then in a cool, calm & collected voice said; "I just cashed my check, I'm pulling into the gas station to get gas & then I'm going back to work. I'll call you later". She then went in his house for 17 minutes. She came out hand in hand with him, they kissed & she drove off. She immediately called me, I didn't answer & she left a message accusing me of being in a motel f****** another girl. I then got several more calls & texts accusing me of this. SO, #1) I'd say after they cheat they 'project' in onto you by accusing YOU of cheating. Also #2) Every time she'd call & insist on knowing where I was she was up to something... .Fast forward to the last time I caught her & she went to his house at 8 am on a Sunday morning. I'm usually asleep then so she figured I wouldn't find out. Well, it's a 25 minute round trip drive & she stayed 10 minutes. Plus text messages sent between them for the week before this were erased from her phone. I'm 99.999% sure she had not seen him in many months, maybe a year. I just don't believe you go to an ex's house when you haven't seen him in a long time & stay 10 when it's a 25 minute round trip drive. Unless it's a quickie. Oh, & when confronted she denied going there. I had a GPS system in her car. I don't recommend doing the detective type things I did. It's like I was sicker than her to do some of the stuff. For awhile I had a spy program on her phone. I had a spy program on her computer. GPS system in her car. Checked her undies with this stuff called CheckMate. It detects male semen. Had a voice activated recorder in her car. I see now it's better to leave when it reaches this point! They are very sneaky & excellent liars. Quickies are there specialty. She used to brag that if she wanted to cheat she was so smart that I'd never catch her. So I think this made it a challenge. I guess I was just smarter than her. Or she had no idea the lengths I'd go to to catch her. And with modern technology there's NO way someone can cheat if you want to catch them bad enough... .Oh, before I did all the high tech stuff I'd check the milage on her car. One time (actually at the time she had a motorcycle) I had to drive my Dad to the doctor so she knew I was tied up. She was a creature of habit when it came to driving places so it was easy to check milage. After I got back from the doctors I went to the room we were renting & I could tell she showered. Even though that morning she had already showered. Then I checked her phone bill & she had a call to him for 1 minute that was made right after a call to me to see if I was on the road with my Dad. Then the milage was perfect for going to ex's & back. I told her (whoops another lie) that I left the doctors office & drove by her ex's house & saw her bike there. She believed me & admitted it. Oh admitted going there, of course she'd NEVER sleep with him while we were together! A day or so after this she suspected that I trapped her into admitting being there! It was funny, although I never told her I trapped her... .I'm tired of writing... .  zzz

[MrFox]

#1) I'd say after they cheat they 'project' in onto you by accusing YOU of cheating.

This was a red flag for me as well.  Shortly before the relationship ended she began to get very paranoid that I was cheating on her.  Folded up money in my pocket was a condom.  She had nightmares about it at night.  Started texting more frequently and becoming worked up if responses didn't come quick enough.

On the other hand, she is glued to her phone yet suddenly there were periods were she "forgot her phone in the car" or "must not have heard it" or it  "turned itself off", cause, you know, it's a damn wizard.

[imstronghere2]

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

I'm not going to go into my stories of my BPDex cheating again. I don't want to relive it again.

My sentiments exactly. 

[Calm Waters]

I was a week in to my relationship with myBPD ex gf when some flowers arrived at her house.  - asked who they were from and she said... ."Oh thats the guy I have been going out with for a year. We met on Guardian Soulmates", He made the mistake of taking his daughters on holiday to Israel and that left her abandoned enough to hook me when I was vulnerable. "Should I be worried I said", "no she said he asked me to marry him but I am going to dump him for you". "Phew I said!" and what a joke I felt honoured. then she invited me to move in with her as I was homeless after the break up of my marriage, again I thought wow! it turns out she was massively in debt and wanted me to help wit the rent but I only found that out after she tried to kill herself.

3 months later I left as she was such hard work, then she attempted suicide, that dragged me back in, then when she recovered 3 months later with my help i was turned black and then the joke was on me, I think she had the next guy in g

her sights or she might even have been two timing me by then. I expect there is some new poor bast**rd who will eventually get the same treatment and end up with his life in ruins. These are very dangerous people, loveable, beguiling but FU***ed up and dangerous, so sad.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine locked down her cell as the relationship progressed. She also started talking a lot about the person she was cheating with... .usually an ex.  There were many signs. She wasnt great at hiding anything really.  She was pretty open about who she was hanging with. 

I just trusted someone who was not trustworthy. 

[Ironmanrises]

I dont know if my exUBPDgf cheated on me but in devaluation phase in round 2, there were signs that pointed to that. It was an LDR(she in Boston, me in Long Island), and her cell would constantly be attached to her as devaluation progressed, passenger side seat head rest was raised for a "taller" person when she would come pick me up at bus stop(im not tall), became more secretive, and the orbiting guy "friends" would make more and more inappropriate comments on her fb/ig postings. Not that any of that is direct evidence of cheating per say, but the unease that i was feeling skyrocketed as a direct consequence. I literally want to vomit as i remember this stuff.

I asked her on the day she left me the second time, "Are you speaking to someone else?" And she replied "No." In my logical mind, i asked her this thinking, well she has nothing to technically lose by telling me the truth if she was cheating because she already had hurt me more then enough as is, why lie to me now that you are leaving me yet again i thought; the paradoxical realm of being with someone with BPD, i dont know if even that logical thinking would apply.

[winston3]

This whole thread makes me wonder if my ex had other guys sometimes. She would go periods of a few months where she'd be depressed, devalue me, not sleep with me, and then break up. She'd have a few "guy friends" but I'm not the jealous type. I didn't want to get possessive. This was of course prior to finding out that she had BPD.

[broken3]

Getting a new gym membership.

Recent frequent trips to new hairstylist.

Frequent trips to have new nails done.

Running errands every day for several hours.

over 180 calls and texts in one day to a males cell phone.

password protection on her cell phone.

trying to hide phone when I walked into room.

Missing bank account statements.

etc.etc.

[Calm Waters]

She -

didnt tell me about on going BF

didnt tell me she had serious debts

didnt tell me she had not put her tax return in

didnt tell me she was having panic attacks

didnt tell me she was self medicating with combination of sleeping pills anti depressants

didnt tell me that she was feeling suicidal

did tell me she couldnt trust me

did tell me I was making her stressed

did tell me the sex was great

did tell me i was ' the one'

did tell me never to doubt how much she loved me and always would

did tell me i was ' her one love'

after suicide attempt

she didnt tell me that she had told her daughters we were through, it lasted another 3 months

didnt tell me she was chasing down a new suitor

kept me from her grand daughter who i had bonded with

kept the xmas presents i gave her to give to her family

called the police on me when i tried to tell her i was so worried about her after she dumped me

refused to give me any closure or explanation

told all our mutual friends never to speak to me, some wont

bhit liar deceitful heartless cruel destructive vindictive beautiful adorable damaged beguiling vulnerable calculating

I still love her

[Changingman]

Amazingly good at hiding it,

From the beginning to the end, there was never a time when she wasn't cheating emotionally or physically. I now suspect/know. Triangulation constant.

"They are my friends!"

She has no friends

I've invited 30 friends to my party, 1 turns up. The other 35+ people my friends.

Sex is the ONLY way to attract people to her... .sad, very sad.

Thought nothing acquaintances were her best friends. Really thought it, no emotional intelligence at all, apart from her own pitiful tiny little life.


Particularly during times of high stress, job changes particularly. New set of work people etc. her need to be accepted and dominate the group meant sleeping with the most powerful in the group.

Only realized after coming out of the fog, but it was all there to see once I accepted it as a possibility... .it became a probability... .then an absolute.

[Turkish]

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Some of my friends freaking saw it through FB before I did. When she called it "quits" with us, others thought (even our T) that there was another man. I was in denial. I had emotionally detached from her anyway the past few months before this came out (the perceived "abandonment" of her... .which has some truth to it). She even told me about the guy she met at a local club (a doorman) and I said "why did you exchange numbers with the guy? That isn't right, he just wants one thing." And she replied, "you mean I can't have guy friends?" Uh, no, I didn't say that... .But I think that was/is the guy.

I looked at her phone and saw the text string two weeks after she called us "done". Took me 7 tries to finally get her to admit to it, even after I quoted back to her his last message "I miss kissing your face".

Fast forward after I called it quits (I did try very hard, and she admitted it) after I found out she was still texting and emailing even if she backed off seeing him (was I supposed to "win her back"?), then she went full throttle. After I called off her going out and partying at night, she went deeper underground to see him on her own time.

Then I got the text meant for him, but sent to me, "Love, I'll be there soon... ." I confronted her and she said, "he's not my boyfriend! I don't know what I have with him." Well, no young dude is going to let you call him "Love" unless you are in a r/s!

Then he called our dinner table a few days later as we were eating with our kids. Crying, some kind of apology, admitting she was [mentally] "sick." No matter.

Last night, she was skyping him on her phone as I walked into the spare room (I opened the door and walked in to tell her something... .it's my freaking house, I don't care). She hid the phone like a little kid and said, "hold on for a minute!"

At least her cheating father would walk out of the house to go talk to his lover. Mine has NO shame. Except for the physical abuse her dad meted out upon her mom years ago, I think she is WORSE than her father as far as her love addiction and the emotional abuse towards me goes.

Last night, she emailed the doctor about we thinking our S3 might have ADD or something. I wanted to all but scream, "that's a risk with mothers who have your disorder!"

So depressing. I am spent.

[mitchell16]

I never caught mine cheating but sure was signs. I caught her in lots of lies. Im my opion you only lie when you've done something you shouldn't have. But I know she was up to something shady on several occasions.

One time she called my house phone and I remember I was suspicious because she never called my house phone. She lived in another state, it would take me about 1.5 hours to get there. She called about 10 at night. She said she was at friends playing cards. But these friends are very loud people and one of them would always get on the phone and talked to me when she called but didn't that night. There was no back ground noise at all. so the next morning I texted her " good morning as we normally would I got not response. I texted her you must of had a good time last night, I drove over to surprise you and you never came home. I immediately got a call quizzing me what time I came over. Then she went crazy about how I tricked her and blah blah blah. She never came clean but I knew. She told me she stayed the night with those friends she was playing cards with. But a year later it came up and she then said she stayed the night with her cousin. The truth never changes only the lies.

another occasion was her email. she gave me her password so I could check her email for her at my job since she didn't have internet at her work. out of the blue one day she started getting paranoid about me having her password, made up some kind of crazy excuse and then I started noticing that when she went to the bathroom she took her cellphone with her never left it laying around anywhere. Make long story short she left me after all that to go and be with her ex boyfriend. Then she came back to me and admitted that he had been contacting her by email and cellphone so she was getting paranoid. she did all that to keep me from catching her.

so she was very hard to catch in the act but very easy to catch when she was acting shady

[Pretty Woman]

Calm Waters,

  Some of your statements echo mine.

Mine told me:

-I can't trust you

-You don't know what to do with me

-You were never present in our relationship

-You are more a friend than a lover

After all the verbal assaults and leaving me six times, yeah I was turned off by the sex.  She wanted to spend every moment with me and I started to feel suffocated. You can run off to your ex for sex and come back to me and then leave me again, and again and again.

Her new GF is very clingy and needy and wants to spend every moment with her. I didn't spend every moment with her and she was a tyrant. She treated me like shyt. I thought maybe because she felt rejected by me but I have realized the last three relationships she has had no one ever moved her in. The ones that did seem to be the ones she keeps recycling but it never works out.

She is an angry person with severe trust issues. Towards the end as much as I loved and cared she had broken me so badly I had no idea what to do. I was isolated from friends and family hiding this shyt so coming out of the fog you feel alone because you cast off the people who were actually good TO you.

Then you have to deal with her being "victimized" and you painted as a nut job.

Yeah it's fun.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Mine was pretty adept at his cheating,  But ONLY, because we were long distance.  In hindsight all the signs were there.  The going to the gym 2 times a day, new diet fads so he could have a better physique, his obsession with vitamin supplements to "up his libido", the time lapses where we had no contact and he was "at his married friend's house" on a Saturday night,  later found that he met my replacement through said married friends.


There were no signs of emotional withdrawal until the second he dumped me on my head (and even afterwards he stalked me online and reached out a few times... .All the while he had moved on to my replacement and I didnt know yet), I literally never saw it coming. 

I had a gut feeling though... .I just knew there was someone else because that was the ONLY way hed ever leave me.  I knew in my bones.  I even asked if there was someone else and like always, he lied and said no... I believed otherwise, I just needed proof.  I got it 3 weeks later when he posted pics of them cuddled up on vacation together on facebook.

He didnt hide things very well after the fact.  But then they never do.

Good riddance Im much happier without his loser ass in my life. 

[willtimeheal]

Mine was a pro. She always told me she would never cheat cuz her ex husband cheated on her and she would never do that to someone else... .I believed her

Then she told me she was confused and working on herself cuz she hated herself and needed time... .given her upbringing and the abuse she went thru I believed her

Then just give her time for her divorce to be final and then we will spend more time together... .idiot I believed her

And then yesterday she asked me what I was doing in the evening. Mind you she knows I have therapy... .She said darn I wanted to go shopping for the holidays.  She said I am going shopping for the kids... .I believed her until I saw her picking up her boyfriend as I was driving.

My favorite is that afternoon she told me about a dream she had the night before. In the dream I was cheating on her. She told me she was so angry and cried when she woke up.  I find it ironic that later that night I catch her cheating on me. Of course when I confronted her about the cheating all she could say was I am a bi*tch.  No remorse no acknowledgement no nothing.

[Changingman]

Amazingly good at hiding it,

From the beginning to the end, there was never a time when she wasn't cheating emotionally or physically. I now suspect/know. Triangulation constant.

"They are my friends!"

She has no friends

I've invited 30 friends to my party, 1 turns up. The other 35+ people my friends.

Sex is the ONLY way to attract people to her... .sad, very sad.

Thought nothing acquaintances were her best friends. Really thought it, no emotional intelligence at all, apart from her own pitiful tiny little life.


Particularly during times of high stress, job changes particularly. New set of work people etc. her need to be accepted and dominate the group meant sleeping with the most powerful in the group.

Only realized after coming out of the fog, but it was all there to see once I accepted it as a possibility... .it became a probability... .then an absolute.

Didn't want to write this but I think it's important to everyone here... .

The last 6+ months she was in a relationship that I think was as deep/shallow as ours, I didn't know but once I realised, I reread her texts cross referenced them with her email ( sorry needed closure ).

And realised the sadistic nature of the abuse. Little hints, enjoying the betrayal, hints that would haunt me and castrate me, I've never know this kind of ( let's say it ) evil before. Like her sexual intensity was just about my goodness. Definition of sadism, the corruption of innocence was a thrill. I now know how a usher at the doors of gas chambers lead children to their deaths and went home bhiting about the salt on their table at the evening meal. Chilling


Love, the ability to feel it is an honour for us all.

Breath in your pain you deserve it. You lucky people, to be able to feel it.


Are they happy? Ha ha ha ha

[MrFox]

She always told me she would never cheat cuz her ex husband cheated on her and she would never do that to someone else... .I believed her

My favorite is that afternoon she told me about a dream she had the night before. In the dream I was cheating on her. She told me she was so angry and cried when she woke up. 

Is there some kind of handbook?  I got both of these lines as well.

[Turkish]

She always told me she would never cheat cuz her ex husband cheated on her and she would never do that to someone else... .I believed her

My favorite is that afternoon she told me about a dream she had the night before. In the dream I was cheating on her. She told me she was so angry and cried when she woke up. 

Is there some kind of handbook?  I got both of these lines as well.

Mine would tell me dreams where I  would abandon her.  told me one like that just last month. I  said,  just like mommy,  never trusted daddy!  kids were in the room... .S3  told me a dream he had the other week that me,  his mom and D1  were dancing together.  broke my  damaged heart... .

[maxen]

How good was your BPD at hiding cheating?

good enough  :'(

[hurtbyboderline]

Just thought of something. When I left my exBPDGF I got a new phone & number that I use but still have the old phone & number. I just check it every few days, if someone has called, I call them back on the new phone... .Anyway, I have some voice messages saved that I'd like to put up on-line somehow & let folks on this site listen to. Unbelievable messages. Well, actually folks here would believe! One night I was in a meeting so I turned my phone off. After the meeting I didn't turn my phone on for 30 minutes & WOW! Quote; "Where are you? Why isn't your phone on? Your F****** Susie (not real name), I just know it! Your in a Hotel! You Mother F***** I never want to see or talk to you again". And on & on & on... .She knew the meeting ended at 8:30 & when I turned my phone on at 9:00 this is what I listened to! Actually, there were several messages, all pretty much saying the same thing... .Unbelievable! Ah, unless you also have a Borderline in your life!   zzz

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Sorry in advance for the long post but have been wanting to get this off my chest. Well you asked!lol.

So my ex, when the subject had come up about others cheating was adamant that he would never ever do that. That he hated cheaters. He said that's the kind of ___ that ruins people lives. You can trust me that is something you never have to worry about. He would say I know I can be a pr*ck sometimes but I am not a cheater. His father was a cheater and he described how he would bring him as a small child to his mistresses home and have him and one of his siblings sit in the living room and play games while they went in the bedroom. And other stories. The father eventually when my ex was 12 moved the family to some dumpy house way out in the country and shortly left for another women and started up a new family leaving the mother and children devastated and poor while he was a big tech exec. Living the high life.  I believed him. So I guess when red flags arose I dismissed them.

We were together almost everyday (so when would he cheat? ) Well except after his rages he would give me the silent treatment sometimes for days. I started to suspect that something was going on during these times but he would say he just gets "locked up" and doesn't know how to fix it meanwhile I am texting him during these times trying to get him to snap out of it. Telling him how much I love him etc. finally he would snap out of it. We used to live in the same building ( although he moved halfway through our relationship) so I would see his truck at home at night and thought ok. He does have a problem with this so called getting locked up but nothing is going on.

He abruptly discarded me 1.5 yrs into our relationship for 10 mo. I was confused and heartbroken for months... He comes back and says he made a huge mistake and attributed it to all the stress he was under and should have never left. I was the love of his life. Yada yada! So he was seeing someone during this time but says he didn't leave me for her but thought we were over and started seeing someone but she was nothing and basically said she made him hit rock bottom. Described her as a horrible person!

Back together for a year during which there were a couple mini break ups that he instigated for stupid reasons. Stupid me always took him back.

Last and final discard a couple of days before my birthday where we were set to go away on a little trip we are making dinner having a nice night. Laughing ... .He starts telling me he was a little jealous of the guy we know who came to look at my air conditioner that day. I said oh that's kind of cute you never really show jealousy and I basically said you never have anything to worry about that. He says I know but I couldn't even deal with the fact if you even wanted to be with anyone else. You are the love of my life and can't imagine life without you. Again I bent over backwards assuring him that would never happen. And it wouldn't. So he then starts to tell me about this woman at work, who he has told me in the past sleeps with a married guy at work. He says she was flirting with him and wants him to come and do some construction work at her house but he said I just kind of ignored her and blew her off. So I was like ok. Cool no problem. Then he pulls out his phone looking for a picture of her but can't find one. There was a picture of people at a work bday party and then starts showing me a picture of this other woman at work that I heard him mention before and who has called him while I'm there wanting him to do work at her house (that is his calling card or currency doing work at women's houses). He keeps wanting me to look at her picture putting it in my face kind of forcing me to see and something just wasn't sitting right with me so I kind of shrugged it off and kind of made a face.

Well that was all it took. He went ballistic. Said I was jealous and insecure and someone must have really messed me up... .Raged. Drove me home raging that it would be fun to f**k other woman and this is exactly why men cheat on their wives.

Dropped me off and that was basically the last time I ever spoke to him again. (If you could call it that) I of course at first was texting him for a few days being loving and trying to snap him out of it once again but nothing. I was so upset that he would do this again and on my birthday and when we were set to go away for it. Finally! ( he always found a way to cancel trips.) He had taken the whole week off for it. My birthday arrived and I texted him that I needed to come and get my things thinking that might at least prompt him to talk to me. I mean it's my birthday right.

He texted me you can come and get your things I won't be here. No happy birthday nothing. A couple weeks before I made a major fuss for his birthday.

I went to get my things at his house and decided to look in his calendar that he writes down what he did and thoughts on matters. Kind of a journal but not really. I had to know once and for all what the hell was going on and what he was up to so I could finally pull away from him for good. I usually respect people's privacy but felt this was the only way to save myself. I knew about this calendar because he used to first go around leave it out.

He had entries that dated back to his first discard of me. He had entered his first date with this new person just a few days after he left me ( he was working on her for a while and when he secured her I was promptly dumped without as much as a goodbye.) Read all the ups and downs of their relationship until the day she dumped him. Same pattern as us. (He told me he left her). The day he came looking for me was an entry " still mad at insert ow name" now this is the day he supposedly reconnected with the love of his life. Me! Not a word about me! Nothing! I was obviously just a recycle and using me till someone else came along. The calendar didn't go to present time so didn't find anything about what was going on this time.

So back to last discard. I am texting him because at this point I am pretty darn sure this was about the woman at work he is trying to jam a picture of down my throat. I am telling him that I know this is about "ow name". Only responds a couple of times shortly. " There is no one else. I never cheated on you. You are crazy." Which I never accused him of cheating I thought at this point he was just monkey branching like he does. Which was bad enough for me.

So I think I am right and need to see it for myself so I google her name and get her address and drive by a couple of times and sure enough his truck is there. So I am extremely upset and I tell my girlfriend. She calls me back a few hours later and tells me because her mom works at the adjoining facility that it has been common knowledge that he had been seeing this woman during the same time as me! (Not sure why the mom never told me before).

So I am so upset I text him that I know this and that basically he is a piece of s**t and I copy members of his family because they all think he is this great guy even though all his relationships explode in a terrible way. He then goes to the police for textual harrasssment. Lol.

I guess I just decided I was going to go out with a bang this time and make sure he never ever tried to come back to me again. ( I hope I succeeded) . Not really like me to do that but I don't feel bad one bit.

Anyway, talked to his sisters friend and supposedly he has not even brought new woman around and claims I am crazy because then he would have to admit to his family he lied about me and he lied about cheating. He said he basically just goes to work and stays in bed all the time depressed. (Yeah,  I'm sure he is in bed all the time).

I wonder how long the replacement is going to put up with being the dirty little secret. He works with her so I wish I could pull up a chair with some popcorn when the ___ hits the fan on this one. He must not value his job.

To think he was pushing the woman's picture into my face baiting me into a fight while telling me I am the love of his life while all this is going on. They work 10 minutes from his house so it was probably her in his bed at lunch and me for dinner. Yuck!

My mind is still piecing together all the little things that seemed off and are now making sense that something was up in other situations.

I now think that some of his rages were just ruses to cheat.  Duh! Right!

I see him around town driving now and then when I walk and he has the nerve to wave at me and has even tried to words with friends me. I took him up on his game. I sent back the word "daft" with the message. Can you spell f**k off!

The end! For good!

[Iwalk-Heruns]

The really sick part is I am almost positive his plan was to pull this  ___ and scr*w around for a while and come back to me when he was done.

I was bound and determined to foil that plan.

[starshine]

My chronically depressed unemployed ex all of a sudden started cleaning up a couple weeks before the breakup- I'm sure he was lining up my replacement who was absolutely vile towards me when they started up 4 days after we broke up.  I bet you they were already pursuing a relationship.  He couldn't stand not being intimately affirmed.

[KE151]

"you mean I can't have guy friends?"

Aaahh, the male friend trump card. Mine used to play it to shift the blame effectively to me. It was suddenly me who was at fault for being jealous and not understanding enough that women can have guy friends.

Earlier, she had told me the friend (on-off boyfriend of many years) is a narcissistic a||hole and she has cut all contact to him. Then suddenly it changed to: "the guy is still after me for some reason, I don't know why b/c I'm with you now and I'm not interested anymore but he is only a friend now" and "he called me and asked me to go for lunch". One Saturday morning the guy even showed up at her doorstep, while I was there.

Towards the end, she did the phone hiding in the pocket instead of on the table as always, turning her imac off (which she never did before) and in our final text exchanges she declared "he isn't [note "isn't" in present] narcissistic at all, just selfish, not crazy like you KE".

A few weeks later her daughter tells me the guy was at their house visiting with his kids. I had been replaced and all the withdrawing and weird stuff was now explained. And he had been recycled once again.

Ouch. It still hurts to think about this.

[GreenMango]

Aren't most people who cheat pretty good at keeping it hidden?  BPD or not?

[Changingman]

Yep the male friend trump card

Can't I have male friends

Well... .actually... .you can't have ANY friends apparently.

[hurtbyboderline]

"The male friend trump card"... .Yes, she had male friends, even ex's that were now "only friends". BUT, what happened when you tried to have female's that were "only friends"? LOL... .I think the reason she didn't want me to have any female friends is she had sleep with all her male friends so she figured everyone did this! In fact, she didn't even want me to have male friends. Male friends cut down on the time I could spend with her! Borderlines take your life away & suck you dry emotionally... .     zzz

[maxen]

i read your story, Iwalk. i'm glad you're clear of that!

My birthday arrived and I texted him that I needed to come and get my things thinking that might at least prompt him to talk to me. I mean it's my birthday right.

He texted me you can come and get your things I won't be here. No happy birthday nothing.

i know how awful that must have felt. mine bolted about 6 weeks before our anniversary, moved right in with the other party. on the anniversary, which she spent with the other party, she sent an email saying, "please don't think this was easy for me." note the self pity. a few days later we met. she said, her face red with indignation, "it was our anniversary! i had to send you something?" note the narcissism.

So I am so upset I text him that I know this and that basically he is a piece of s**t and I copy members of his family because they all think he is this great guy even though all his relationships explode in a terrible way.

good for you! my w's family are legendary excuse makers and i let some of them know about what she did too. i'm glad i did that.

[damage control]

I have seen his cheating from both sides of the fence - with me and then to me ... and I can tell you that he is both wonderful at it and he sucks at it ...

I used to see and hear what he did to his ex with me (I had NO idea that they were still together, he told me that she was refusing to accept or let go) ... he would have windows set up on his comp so when he skyped with me (he used to get up 3 hours before his alarm to skype ... he did this every night for months) and if she wandered in, he would just have to do a quick keyboard combo and voila! he would be researching candles or something ... .

I could go on and on ... and then on and on about what he did to me (sending emails to my replacement while I slept not 2 feet away in his bed) - but, suffice to say it was relentless ... I think that is where they hoodwink nons ... it seems impossible that they could be cheating because they spend so much time with us still ... it seems impossible because one would have to be truly evil to tell someone to their face that there is no way they would cheat and all the time be cheating ... it seems impossible because of the time/effort involved - I mean ... who could be bothered? ... but, there it is ... they make the impossible somehow manifest ...

[damage control]

I walk ... that is a horrible story ... sorry you got stuck in that.

Mine also pulls the 'poor me-I'm depressed' card ... he keeps telling me that his life has no meaning/is bleak/has no purpose and he has nothing to look forward to ... and yet ... he manages to find someone to f&ck ... I don't know about you but when I feel that way, the last thing I can do is find a new relationship ...

The 'poor me' WAIF stuff is so manipulative as it makes you feel sorry for them and it also diminishes the chance of you (me) attacking them or being angry with them because ... well, you don't go around attacking depressed people right? ... .to top it off ... how can you prove them to be lying about it? It's not like we can peek into someone's brain and measure their emotional temperature ... .

My WAIF THRIVES on lying/subterfuge ... it is the fertiliser that he grows in ... he MUST have it ... I think it gives him a feeling of power/control and allows him to 'punish' the other person (PA bigtime).

God it makes me so angry

[KE151]

I think that is where they hoodwink nons ... it seems impossible that they could be cheating because they spend so much time with us still ... it seems impossible because one would have to be truly evil to tell someone to their face that there is no way they would cheat and all the time be cheating ... it seems impossible because of the time/effort involved -

Yes, the quality of their show is such that it truly is impossible to comprehend for a non.

In hindsight, I had a gut feeling she was up to something for quite a long time. I ignored it because I wanted to believe her words. At some point her behavior started to change with the phone and computer but also in her way of being around me. I think she got bad conscience (shame surfacing) as I continued to be close to her kids and just kept walking my talk. When I finally confronted her about it, she turned the tables: it was all about me and my "jealousy". It went rapidly downhill from there, she knew I knew.

 

[Iwalk-Heruns]

i read your story, Iwalk. i'm glad you're clear of that!

My birthday arrived and I texted him that I needed to come and get my things thinking that might at least prompt him to talk to me. I mean it's my birthday right.

He texted me you can come and get your things I won't be here. No happy birthday nothing.

i know how awful that must have felt. mine bolted about 6 weeks before our anniversary, moved right in with the other party. on the anniversary, which she spent with the other party, she sent an email saying, "please don't think this was easy for me." note the self pity. a few days later we met. she said, her face red with indignation, "it was our anniversary! i had to send you something?" note the narcissism.

So I am so upset I text him that I know this and that basically he is a piece of s**t and I copy members of his family because they all think he is this great guy even though all his relationships explode in a terrible way.

good for you! my w's family are legendary excuse makers and i let some of them know about what she did too. i'm glad i did that.

Thanks for the validation Maxen. I really needed that. And for taking the time to read my novel.

Sorry about what she did to you. I do feel your pain. It is stunning the level of narcissism. It really is all about them. Then to add insult to injury for them to act like it is not easy for them.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I walk ... that is a horrible story ... sorry you got stuck in that.

Mine also pulls the 'poor me-I'm depressed' card ... he keeps telling me that his life has no meaning/is bleak/has no purpose and he has nothing to look forward to ... and yet ... he manages to find someone to f&ck ... I don't know about you but when I feel that way, the last thing I can do is find a new relationship ...

The 'poor me' WAIF stuff is so manipulative as it makes you feel sorry for them and it also diminishes the chance of you (me) attacking them or being angry with them because ... well, you don't go around attacking depressed people right? ... .to top it off ... how can you prove them to be lying about it? It's not like we can peek into someone's brain and measure their emotional temperature ... .

My WAIF THRIVES on lying/subterfuge ... it is the fertiliser that he grows in ... he MUST have it ... I think it gives him a feeling of power/control and allows him to 'punish' the other person (PA bigtime).

God it makes me so angry

Thanks DC !  and for taking the time to read my long story. I appreciate it.

Yes my ex was a very punishing person when you didn't agree with him.

[Turkish]

Aren't most people who cheat pretty good at keeping it hidden?  BPD or not?

Mine wasn't. I  think she wanted to get caught.  some of my friends figured it out by her FB  posts,  but didn't want to tell me.  it was subtle,  but noticeable in retrospect.  afterwards,  and now,  she throws it in my face  since " we aren't in a relationship"  anymore even though she's still living in my house.  By throwing it in my face, I mean that she is shameless about skyping him from our phone in the spare room at night (at least her father had the "decency" to put on a jacket and take a walk outside to talk to his gf), the mistaken text I got three weeks ago meant for him, and him calling her phone at our dinner table as we sat down and ate dinner with our kids. I confronted her on all of this, but she keeps doing it! WTH? She says "he's not my bf! I don';t know what I have with him!" Well, any college age jock isn't going to let some woman call him "Love" is there isn't a r/s. She's kind of pathetic, in a way. She's mirroring her family's,  and to a certain extent her culture's, dysfunction. I've had several people from that culture say to me, "yeah, that's the way it is. And in certain circles, if you're not cheating, they think 'what's wrong with you?'."

My X used to say she'd never date a man from her culture due to the rampant cheating (and her father's), but she is now, even if he is adopted into it.

Unlike what others here have said, mine never actually said, "I'd never do that to you," but she used to always say, "if you do that to me, it's a deal breaker and we're done!" (along with hitting her). She actually hit me once, and is now cheating (in her mind no, since we're "done". Literally crazy!

One more thing I should have clued in about is that the past year, she used to say now and then," you can have an affair as long as I never find out about it." To me... .only in retrospect, that was her telling me she was unhappy and wanted to do it herself. I was so stupid. I'll give myself somewhat of a pass since I took on most of the adult responsibilities in our home, and also was taking care of the kids a lot more than her. It was too much to take on all of that and also have the energy to play "teen lover," which is about what she is capable of.

[nevaeh]

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

I'm not going to go into my stories of my BPDex cheating again. I don't want to relive it again.

Hit.The.Nail.On.The.Head.

uBPDh cheated on me multiple times while we were dating and after we were married.  Most were cybersex type things but he did have a long and intense physical and emotional affair with his commanding officer (a woman) while he was deployed to Iraq for 9 months.  I found out when he returned and I hacked into his email and found the evidence.

I wish I could say that I didn't know about all of these affairs while they were going on, but I DID.  I am embarrassed and ASHAMED to say that.  While we were dating there I had lots of suspicions but he was very good at lying and covering things up so I never had 100% proof of anything, just gut feelings.  I guess I was immature enough at age 19-24 that I didn't think I had a "right" to break up with him over gut feelings.  I also remember VIVIDLY the fear I had that if I broke up with him that I would never find someone else to love me.  I had very low self esteem and a strong need to have a man in my life to validate me.  

After we were married it obviously became more complicated.  I would find porn websites and chat room history on our computer.  Once I asked him about it and he figured out he had to erase the history on the computer.  I was always looking for clues.  Going through his wallet, pockets, you name it.  After we had been married for a few months I found a huge box of women's underwear and bras in our basement.  I was horrified and had no idea what it was.  I confronted him about it and he told me that a bunch of the guys in his military unit had "given" it to him as a joke for his bachelor's party.  I didn't really believe him but didn't know what else to do.  My gut instinct was telling me he was either a serial rapist or something a little less sinister or that he was cross-dressing.  I started "monitoring" that box and eventually I would find catalogs for women's clothing, sex toys, etc.  I was horrified that my husband was doing these things yet too embarrassed to confront him and ask him about it.  I also eventually found a box of emails he had printed off with a couple of women he was having cyber affairs with.  This was when I was pregnant with my second child.  I did confront him about that and he basically dismissed my anger and disgust, stating that they didn't actually DO anything (no physical contact) so he didn't understand what the big deal was.  I didn't leave him then because I was pregnant.  

I had suspicions that he was having an affair while he was in Iraq and those were confirmed when he got home.  I saw a lawyer and was going to file for divorce.  He begged and pleaded for me to stay (he had only been home for two weeks when I outed him).  I stupidly gave him another chance with the ultimatum that he had to stop cross dressing (throw all of that stuff away) and he had to stop with the online crap and if he ever cheated on me again there would be no questions asked, I would leave.  I think he was shocked when I outed the cross-dressing thing - and probably horrified/embarrassed that I knew about it.  

It has been almost 9 years since the affair and I have seen no evidence of him having an affair.  I know he still secretly watches porn and has an obsession with womens lingerie.  I found a bag of it in our basement several months ago and that was part of the light switch going off that I have to be done with this marriage because I just can't tolerate it anymore.

Anyway... .Octoberfest... .you bring up the most important point (IMO).  What was wrong with me or lacking in me that I put up with his cheating behavior for so long?  We have been together for 23 years, so that means I put up with the cheating stuff for about 14 years.  WHY?  

First, I have always had a low self esteem, not believing that any man could possibly love me and I should be "grateful" that I even had my H.  The first "boyfriend" I had was my freshman year in college and I found out after 3 months that he actually had a girlfriend back home.  This explained why we never went "out", we always hung out in my dorm room and we were never public.  I had fallen hard for him, so that was a very difficult time for me.

Second, I always had this irrational fear that if I left my H that he would end up with whatever woman he was cheating with and they would have a great life together.  I realize now just how irrational that fear was.  It was always important to me that I didn't "lose" - in other words, I didn't ever want him to "choose" another woman over me.  I guess that goes back to serious self-esteem issues.

Third, I mistakenly believed that I could change myself so that H would start to love me enough to stop cheating on me.  I won't get into detail on this but suffice it to say that I thought if I was a little more like a porn star that I could fulfill his needs in that category and he wouldn't stray.  That didn't work and I just ended up feeling worse about myself.  It took me a long time to realize that I could change myself into an actual porn star and he still wouldn't "LOVE" me.  It took me a long time to realize that he would never love me the way I needed.  I even told myself for a few years that "he loves me the best he knows how and that is enough for me".  I put up with his craziness and just pushed my sadness and anxiety further and further down until I didn't feel anything anymore, which is where I am at now.

I know there actually are cases where the spouse cheats and the other spouse really has no clue.  I wish I could say that happened in my case but it didn't and it is profoundly shameful for me to admit that to myself.  I also know there are many stories of spouses forgiving their wayward spouse.  I don't think I have really forgiven my husband - I've just gotten good at pushing my anger and disgust down.  His narcissistic BPD behaviors have made it virtually impossible to ever get to a point where I could even attempt to forgive him.  The cycle of our relationship has made it impossible to really even *like* him most of the time.

Anyway, Octoberfest, I appreciate your question.  It helps me to get these feelings out and take responsibility for MY own part in where I am at today.  So, thank you.

[Cumulus]

Well, this is something that I haven't thought about for a long while now. The pain and feelings of betrayal have passed, what remains is distrust of other people. That is what I am working on, knowing when and who to trust. I am trying to keep my eyes open to inconsistencies in others stories or actions and not excuse or ignore them. I am trying to be more discerning and at the same time to allow myself to build trust in those deserving of my trust.

As for my story, I was married for 35 years; at about 25 years into the marriage I found out about an affair. I forgave him, I had put a lot of tears, effort and commitment into that marriage and I wasn't going to give up because he made one mistake. Well skip ahead another 10 years and I find out he is involved with another woman. And I find out there have been many many more. I believe he started cheating around year 5 and was involved with other women for most of the years we were married. How did he hide it? I was blinded, he told me he was faithful, that I was wonderful, the only woman in the world for him. So, I never looked, if I had it would have been obvious.

If I could share one thing with younger women who find themselves involved in a difficult relationship it would be think for yourself. Question inconsistencies and search out answers for yourself. Do not be willingly blinded to what is going on around you.

[Changingman]

While cheating on me mine would tell friends, while I was in the toilet, how much she loved and adored me. They know what they are doing and enjoy it, get away from them... .I'll say it... .

Abandon them.

Forever.

No contact.

Put your energies into someone who deserves it

Revenge done

Full stop

[Jbt857]

Like others, mine gave me he opening gambit about how cheating was, in his eyes, the ultimate crime. How if I ever did, that would be it. Not a problem for me, I felt reassured I was with someone so moral with shared values.

He used to love watching Cheaters, and passing judgement. Now I think he was probably watching to learn how not to get busted.

I caught him cheating online 3 years into our marriage. He was not working, staying up late, while I was working all hours for us to get by. It devastated me. Absolutely floored me. I threw him out, our families intervened and I took him back. He denied it right to the bitter end, until I finally found proof he couldn't deny. Later, he reframed it to being my fault because I wasn't 'giving him' sex. (Because I was working like a dog, and we had intimacy issues that he refused to work with me on - that hollow porn star sex with nothing behind it - you know... .).

Since then, I never caught him, but finding this board, hindsight and thinking about some of his actions and behaviour tell me he probably was. I don't know for sure. He certainly used to tell me he was going to and then stay out all night often enough.

I was replaced soon enough too.

My intuition tells me I was probably cheated on numerous times. Not once, in my 10 year marriage did I so much as look at another man. Not even flirting. I only had eyes for him. And, in hindsight, some heavily rose tinted glasses.

[Pearl55]

Turkish,

I'm nearly %100 sure that she didn't text to by mistake. She did it on a purpose to hurt you. When my husband was replacing me with another woman ( I didn't know ) but I was really depressed even I wasn't able to walk, he showed me the pic of that woman who he is in relationship with and he asked me to leave as soon as possible. All of their actions are premeditated. They always attack you when you are in your lowest and weakest point. A 3 year old view her/his partner as her opponent since beginning of the relationship during marriages and divorces. What would you expect from your opponent? To have a FEELING of a wife or husband? Is a 3 year old able to have these feelings? We have to ask ourselves why we did tolerate these abuse? Why I forgave him when he cheated me before? 

[maxen]

When my husband was replacing me with another woman ( I didn't know ) but I was really depressed even I wasn't able to walk, he showed me the pic of that woman who he is in relationship with and he asked me to leave as soon as possible.

crikey, pearl, that's horrifying. i'm so sorry. 

[Pearl55]

Do you know he showed me that pic infront of my son who's only 6. I thought my son knows about her because he said that woman loves HIS son ( not OUR son). I asked my son" do you know her?" He said no and very quickly changed the subject. My son is much more mature than my ex!

[eclectic]

We were in different states, so I suspected but wasn't sure, but it was things she would say, that made me suspect more, she had a co worker that she said, wanted her, and he tried to kiss her and things, I believe much more happened, but just put the thought out of my head, I guess I didn't want to know, we would just enjoy ourselves when I visit, and I had all her attention, but the last time I did visit her, we were going to hang out, and she said to me while we were leaving, I have a friend that I go sleep with sometimes, I said that doesn't surprise me, and we just kind of stared at each other, and she said, not really, I just wanted to see the expression on your face.  I didn't show it, and said that doesn't surprise me, but it really hurt me, and later she tried to clean it up, with I just wanted to see the expression, I believe this was true the whole time.  2 months later she ended with me, she said there is no one else, even though I didn't asked that, but I just kept going back to that statement she made 2 months prior.

[Calm Waters]

seems to me that they can be cowherds. When my BPD ex gf was dumping the guy who wanted to marry her in favour of me, it took a day and an evening, I was kept posted on events by text! I kept saying just tell him there is someone else and be honest with him, she wouldnt, preffered to keep him in th dark as to why. I couldnt understand why she wouldnt just level with the poor bloke. I can see now why, because this has happened with her so often she has been stalked by ex's, their wives and ex gf's. She is paranoid about being 'found out' to be such a charlattan by her so called friends, most of whom she bad mouths when they leave the room. I honestly think my ex likes no one consistantly, not even her own kids and family unless they are pandering to her. She idealizes then destroys, eventually she tried to destroy herself by suicide and I was nearly collateral damage, phsyically, emotionall I am still recovering, what fun!

[Changingman]

seems to me that they can be cowherds. When my BPD ex gf was dumping the guy who wanted to marry her in favour of me, it took a day and an evening, I was kept posted on events by text! I kept saying just tell him there is someone else and be honest with him, she wouldnt, preffered to keep him in th dark as to why. I couldnt understand why she wouldnt just level with the poor bloke. I can see now why, because this has happened with her so often she has been stalked by ex's, their wives and ex gf's. She is paranoid about being 'found out' to be such a charlattan by her so called friends, most of whom she bad mouths when they leave the room. I honestly think my ex likes no one consistantly, not even her own kids and family unless they are pandering to her. She idealizes then destroys, eventually she tried to destroy herself by suicide and I was nearly collateral damage, phsyically, emotionall I am still recovering, what fun!

Abso*******lutely

Multiple RSs getting you involved with complete strangers, competing for her affections!

Everything odd/off/weird then suddenly normal nice. Others confused about everything, you confused about everything.

In the end complete destruction, confusion and total breakdown of everything.

Ouch what fun

Found in a notebook of hers

'The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun'

I think this could be the BPD waif mantra


Goodbye to all that

[Pearl55]

Hi eclectic

I think she was playing this sick game with you and because you didn't participate in her games so she wasn't intrested in continuing the relationship with you. There is ALWAYS somebody else is intrested with these women, really? NO, that's a way to CONTROL men to make them jalous in order to win over them. Self worth of a borderline is less than ZERO but they have these FALSE SELF MASK on and want you to see them much more worthier than they are!

They are very good at reading your facial expressions and play with your insecurities. So probably she wasn't able to control you in that way so you were not a good target for her.

If they do really cheat, normally they hide it and only confess it or INTENTIONALY get caught up to HURT you.

[damage control]

RE the original question.

I have just had a quick peek at my ex's FB page - neither he nor I really use FB ... but I scrolled down to have a look at old posts and he had re-posted a pic I sent him (not of me) and was ravig about a TV show I had recommended to him (he was active for about 1 month early this year) ...

The cheating part?

The like button had been pushed by his-then live-in GF ... and he and her watched the show I suggested together ... WOW ... she would have had no idea that these came from me ... just as I had no idea that he was enjoying them with her ... he was the piggy in the middle - with his secrets and lies in plain view - and completely hidden for exactly that reason ... wow.

[Gary72]

A great actress. I had no idea at all that she continually cheated on me, with mutual friends no less, during our relationship and marriage. Despite her admission that she had cheated on me once during our engagement. I accepted her apology and assurance that it wouldn't happen again; that she would give our marriage a chance. For me, I would never continue a relationship without trust, and I trusted her completely, because I loved her. That wasn't enough.

[Waifed]

I ultimately caught the ex cheating and dumped her shortly thereafter.  I suspected that she may have been cheating the last year and a half of our relationship but never had any proof.  The passive aggressiveness and control tactics that screw with your head make it hard to know if there was cheating or she just wanted me to believe there was.  I do know that looking back to the time where she cheated until the end that she was a totally different person (4 months prior to me finding out).  It was a fling and they would never be together since she is in the US and he in the UK, but they did chat quite a bit I found out.  I am sure they had some great sex chat/video sessions.  F*cking slut... .

[Calm Waters]

Hmmm, i cant take the moral high ground however as I am a recovering BPD / Narcissist due to my own abused childhood, so I have significant insight. I now realise that getting involved with an even bigger BPD than me has shocked me into recovery and I have learned more in the last year about myself than another 20 years of therapy would have given me so... .here is my admittion

I have some excuses for my behaviour apart from my childhood, It really started in my adult life when my partner and I bought a house and planned children, I had been monogomus for 6 years, but when she get pregnant ( planned) she completely turned into another person and turned on me. I thought I had made a huge mistake, I didn't recognise this women. 30 years later I can see that the pregnancy triggered her memories of childhood sexual abuse and she projected the abuser on to me/ This projection in turn triggered my abandonment fears and I started acting out a few years later, partly from shock I thought, but also the loss of trust in her and my own need for comfort. So sadly I turned to another women and I had a double life for 20 years on and off and kept it completely secret from my wife and family.

So I hope you can see how this sort of thing can happen, I am a decent human being with a successful career and a family. On the surface up until recently I have been an ordinary guy... .with a secret life which I started to keep my damaged abused inner child safe and secure as my partner was herself damaged and in need of my support.

So my conclusion, we are all damaged to a lesser or greater degree, I lost my moral compass as a result of my damage and it took a breakdown triggered by another BPD narcissist to shock me into joining the dots, I now have no secrets from my partner, yes still together after 30 years. try to keep away from women that I could ' start up ' with, keep my boundaries firm, play fair and honest and so on. Its hard breaking the addictions and support structures of a lifetime but ultimately I believe I will be a better person who can genuinely love.

I have dome my share of ranting on these threads but I have been forgiven and thankfully my BPD ex didn't die, If she had I think I would have probably joined her, at the time thats how in love I felt with her... .a few weeks later I was cast away like trash... .a hard lesson but karmic.

[Mutt]

I'm just wondering…... would like to hear stories from people out there about finding out that their exBPD cheated and how they hid it, etc.?

I never found out directly from her. I knew something was up months before she left.

Pregnancy? We did not have sex for 2 years before she left. She started to gain weight and looked pregnant. She quit smoking (usually she would talk about it for weeks in advance and when she was pregnant) suddenly. I asked her why she quit and she told me to "f*** **f". I was asked by family if she was pregnant and I said it wasn't possible from me. She gave me this crazy excuse that she had gone to her pre-natal doctor and she said that the doctor stated that she looked pregnant but it was because of her ovaries and she was gaining weight like she was pregnant. This was in the fall and by New Year's Day she started smoking again and I had asked her why she started again and again I was told to "f*** **f" This is one of the most hurtful things during our r/s. I will never know the truth. I remember her guilting me into not caring about her and her ovaries about 6 weeks before she left. 

A cellphone that she could never find and would ask me consistently where it was, was glued to her hip.

She started password protecting her phone where she never did that the 8 years that I knew her. If the phone was left out, it was locked with a password.

Texting/Facebooking on her phone for 2 hours at a time while we were watching TV together. If I asked her who she was talking too, the response was "a friend". She couldn't give me a name.

1 girlfriend which was a mother of 3 that she used to go out with once every couple of months to Boston Pizza, she was using her name and going out with her 3 times a week for weeks before leaving.

She was usually disheveled when she went out with said friend. Now she was putting on make-up every time to go out to Boston Pizza.

Coming home late on school nights. Usually around midnight.

Not coming home 2 nights and not calling and telling me she was OK or she's not going to come home.

Cellphone records of her calling from the replacements hometown to the matchmaking friend in our city on the nights that she didn't come home.

Laughing at me when I asked her if there was someone else.

Was she good at hiding it? No. This is my first divorce. Are non's better at hiding it? I thought you just knew.

[Turkish]

Texting and on FB on her phone for 2 hours at a time while we were watching TV together.

1 girlfriend which was a mother of 3 that she used to go out with once every couple of months to Boston Pizza, she was using her name and going out with her 3 times a week for weeks before leaving.

She was usually disheveled when she went out with said friend. Now she was putting on make-up every time to go out to Boston Pizza.

Coming home late on school nights. Usually around midnight.

Somewhat familiar to me... .I called mine "Mother of the Year." *bah*

[maxen]

hi mutt. i've gone back and read your intro post on L1 and our situations are very closely similar (except for the children). so you may not be surprised by the following:

We did not have sex for 2 years before she left.

neither did we. a very bad sign of course, but one that could have been overcome by communication. however, during those years i came on to her on a regular if not very frequent basis, and she never responded. for her part, she never approached me. after it ended she said "i haven't had a marriage in 2 years." in other words, her non-response and non-initiation was my fault.

[Bananas]

Everyone's good at hiding cheating until they get caught! 

This is the HUGE issue for me, when my ex got caught he refused to talk, accepted no respnsibility for lying to me for 2 plus years and then tried to turn everything around on me because I was "a crazy person" . 

Mine hid it by playing the victim.  I'm sick, I'm depressed, I have a lot of anxiety and I need to be alone, My relative died, my dog died, etc... .

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Yep!  This is ME!

[Mutt]

neither did we. a very bad sign of course, but one that could have been overcome by communication. however, during those years i came on to her on a regular if not very frequent basis, and she never responded. for her part, she never approached me. after it ended she said "i haven't had a marriage in 2 years." in other words, her non-response and non-initiation was my fault.

Hi Maxen.

Who controls sex?

I had often come on to her, but she would say that she had a migraine, or that she was upset with some imaginary thing that I did, she wasn't feeling well... .

I would of loved to have made made-up sex but she didn't want to bury the hatchet. Often she would start several fights that would overlap through-out the week. Rinse-repeat.

She was telling me that she was masturbating frequently around the last few months that we were together, but didn't want to have sex. I read somewhere some BPD do this when they are detaching.

She would project and blame me for not wanting it and often she would be verbally abusive by calling me "f****** f***tt!" and her favorite, "all of my friends think that your gay!"

Sex or no sex I was still committed and never strayed outside of the marriage.  

I could of tried harder with communicating. At the time I felt frustration, emasculated, depressed and I wasn't attracted to a person that was too busy with accusations, defensiveness and relished picking fights.

[damage control]

Oh yes ... the withdrawal of sex ... .

It's a power game,a way to make the other person question their attractiveness and what they mean (or don't) to the one who no longer wants it etc ... .

I am still caught up in this game because living in the same house with him, we share food, long conversations, laughter etc ... up until recently we sometimes still even shared a bed - even though we are split.

But sex? No. He doesn't have those 'feelings' anymore ... .in fact, they changed pretty much overnight and he now has sex with my replacement while I look on ... is it cheating? It was ... he was seducing her online while I slept in his bed unaware ... he was screwing me while planning to dump me and move on to her ... .

Yes, they do stop sex when they are withdrawing ... and/or cheating.

He stopped f^cking my body and now it's just my head.

[Pearl55]

He stopped f^cking my body and now it's just my head.

Soo true!

[Changingman]

Ah!

Just had a new thought... .

Physical cheating follows emotional cheating.

Let's stop making this thread about sex, that's them baiting us in the most shameful way... .

What about emotional cheating, I knew that from week 8+ ish. Started small, Odd glimpses, small hurts, tiny betrayals and they grew from then on.

Jesus, that is the real stuff, oh the SOB. Never again. Oh it's hard, until you let go of the BS learned stuff.

Oh yes it's in the details.

Chased off dad and was completely incapable of keeping a family together. Blamed dad, 5 kids, lord it's so simple.

My uBPDxw is completely incapable as well

( slap to head ) sheesh, this is rough cloth.

Let there be love, all this crazy, facade ends with me. I've been a good dad, now I'm starting to think a great dad as I've had to make it up with no previous knowledge. The first 3 kids ok, the last two, myself and my next up sister, so troubled, she left at 14, me and my dad would meet up and deliver food to her table



Dammit

[Jbt857]

 I don't think you can necessarily equate withdrawal of sex as a definitive characteristic of BPD or equate it with being an obvious sign of cheating. There's a thread on the L2 board, and many nons have/had withdrawn from sex (myself included) because of a loss of trust and other things going on emotionally. For me, it wasn't to punish or to make my ex feel bad deliberately, or because I was getting it elsewhere, it was simply symptomatic of other things going on in my marriage and I couldn't go there emotionally because of how I felt, although I really wished I could have, as I believe it would have improved our situation, even only temporarily, because communication had broken down so badly between us.

[Mutt]

I don't think you can necessarily equate withdrawal of sex as a definitive characteristic of BPD or equate it with being an obvious sign of cheating. There's a thread on the L2 board, and many nons have/had withdrawn from sex (myself included) because of a loss of trust and other things going on emotionally. For me, it wasn't to punish or to make my ex feel bad deliberately, or because I was getting it elsewhere, it was simply symptomatic of other things going on in my marriage and I couldn't go there emotionally because of how I felt, although I really wished I could have, as I believe it would have improved our situation, even only temporarily, because communication had broken down so badly between us.

I speak for my experience. I think that there's a difference between communincating physical and emotional needs between two adults and choosing to project that withdrawal on your partner. I guess non's can project as well.

Denegrading a partner and calling them homosexual isn't what I would constitute as communicating your needs or trying. It's abusive behavior.

The marriage and r/s is done. Never mattered what I did or how hard I tried on anything. Ever.

The chase was over with my ex when I got married. Game over. Unto the next shiny object.

Cheating on a spouse is not excusable any way you cut it. She's tried to excuse the behavior multiple times when I had brought it up with her pretzel logic.

Doesn't matter to me anymore other than fitting the pieces of this crazy puzzle to ease my mind.

[lonelyh1]

My uBPDw is driving me crazy. 

She implied she had an affair then denied it every happened.  She told me 9 years in about a guy that was calling her for two years. I asked her why did she talk/meet him. WShe said ti was my fault. She lied about the number of times of contact. The first two years of our marriage. 

Then she told me if she had an affair, she would never tell me. I believe this is true.

When they spli, they can justify everything they do.  She says she prefect I am the troubled one in the relationship.  I think she is right I am in troubled.

I never suspected a thing.

[Pearl55]

Lonely 1

Deep down she knows that she is not normal at all and that's why she thinks it's must be something wrong with you to stay with her and also she projects her illness to you as well. Have you ever felt you are going nuts? That's why.

When they cheat and we tolerate that they see us very weak and unworthy. This make them to abuse us more. A 3 year old has got no boundaries, as long as we let them they use and abuse us.

She hurts you on a purpose and enjoy it because she's sadistic. Does she really worth it? You be the judge!

[Pretty Woman]

Eclectic,

   Mine told me when her ex came to visit (I met the ex this visit) that her ex wanted to kiss her and she said "no, that would be so disrespectful to Earth Angel".

Not even a month later I get dumped on my arse and she is running up to Minnesota to be with her "soulmate" (the ex).

Then, we get back together because on her way back from Minnesota she realized she wasn't going to be able to keep a LD relationship... .she texts me 50 plus times to call her.

Just last month we were out with a bunch a friends at a bar and I left early (around 9) it was a work night. My ex calls me at 3am and says, "Just so you know _____ drank way too much and so I am taking her to my house and we are leaving her car here". So I am thinking 1) Why are you still out? 2) Why are you calling me at 3am?  I was really upset.

So in the weeks that follow she tells me if we were not together she thinks hit__ would be interested. Fast forward to a week before my birthday (Nov 1st) and she comes to my house and tells me "we should see other people". I knew immediately who my replacement was.

When you look at it, things really follow a pattern with these individuals. My T basically told me, "you do know she kissed her ex, right?" and "you do know she was fooling around with that girl, right?"

It is sad I allowed myself to feel blame for all this. Everything she said to me I took to heart, while I was never emotionally nor physically unfaithful.

I do believe once a cheater always a cheater. Regardless of BPD or not. I know karma will eventually catch both of them.

[rogerroger]

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Yes and yes.

Even when I had seen the text messages and overheard the phone calls from the other men, I tried to believe her when she said, "I would never ever cheat on you. You are the love of my life!"

[Octoberfest]

A better question for me is: how badly did you want to be loved that you ignored all of the signs and evidence and your friends just to live your fantasy a little while longer.

Yes and yes.

Even when I had seen the text messages and overheard the phone calls from the other men, I tried to believe her when she said, "I would never ever cheat on you. You are the love of my life!"

Truly sick people who can look you in the eye and say those things when they are in fact doing exactly what they swear to you they aren't.  And sad that we want it to be true so badly that we will believe them, even when we know that they are lying.

[Pretty Woman]

I also withdrew from sex. I was so untrusting of her. I couldn't be physically intimate with someone who had lied and cheated on me so many times.

And yes... .in my situation emotional cheating led to physical cheating.

They literally attach to the new person immediately and take on all their interests.

I still find it baffling that they blame you for the demise of the relationship while they are cheating on you. Um... .hello?

[hybridax]

She told me she wanted to slow things down a bit, that we were moving too fast.  Said she wanted to go home... .1 hour away, and take care of her cat and do laundry since she has been with me for the past 5 days. 

5 days later I wake up to my roommate calling my phone asking if she is in a different state thats 2000 miles away.  He tells me to go on facebook.  Boom, pics of them together hanging out... .She came back a week later, I confronted her, and now she is living with this guy out there.  They barley know each other... .

[arn131arn]

Damn, this question hurts bad.  

Almost too hard to write about this, but hopefully it's therapeutic and will help me move on bc it's black and white and in my own words.

So, we were on one of her splits.  I went to MY house that I LET her stay in bc I didn't want to uproot my son.  I could tell she had been drinking that day all day by the pool and was passing out.

I was able to read all the texts i her phone.  3 different guys and her asking a friend about another.  One text was from a 67 yr old man saying that he was looking forward to having wine again with her when he got back in town.  She was 35 years old at the time   (the vomit smiley is my favorite this week, can you tell?)

A few days later I texted her from work, and she didn't answer.  I said when you are done with getting wine at (said place) give me a call.  almost IMMEDIATELY my phone rings and she is in a rage.  I literally had to go to the bathroom so noone else would hear.  Funny how they all of a sudden hear the phone or it is automatically charged again, right?

Anyway, after that no more.  Security codes on phones, and changed email passwords.

What kills me is after 14 years of being together, a son together, building her a beautiful home to live in bill free, not ONE picture of us together on FB.  Not on "in a relationship with... ."

That hurts bc I feel like I wasn't  good enough to be her man publicly, only used to have a place to hang your hat, and be a father for her child.

That's what wakes me up in the middle of the night... .That feeling of uselessness and not providing enough

[Mutt]

That's what wakes me up in the middle of the night... .That feeling of uselessness and not providing enough

That sounds like a lot, but don't be hard on yourself. It's entitlement to them. It's like pouring water into a milk jug with the bottom cut out. It's never enough.

Not you or the next guy, or the guy after that will be able to fill that void of hers.

It sucks, but we have to give ourselves a break.

[hurtbyboderline]

The above post reminds me of what my Psychiatrist says about Borderlines & happiness. "Borderlines are like a bucket with millions of holes in it. It doesn't matter how much happiness we pour in, it just runs out the holes."... .Thank God for this web site where I can read others experiences with their Borderlines. Mine cheated, probably many more times than I realized. I left her & it's been almost 3 months no contact. From time to time I think I miss her & should contact her. Reading on this site helps me to realize what a BIG mistake that would be!   Thank You Everyone!   zzz

[Surnia]

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