Should I stay or should I go?

[LizPA]

ForeverDad, good advice, I see your point.  When we returned home on Saturday, H refused to have a family meeting and would only speak with me in private.  I attempted to record the conversation on my phone, but he noticed what I was doing and took my phone away.  I told him that we are both unhappy and we tried to make it work, but our communication styles are too different to be able to live without conflict and that it's affecting all of us, especially the kids.  I stayed calm and stuck to the fact that it's over and we need to move forward as responsible adults for everyones sake.  I asked him to leave the home while the divorce is finalized, and he refused.  I offered to pay him his share of the equity in our home, if he would sign a post-nup, but he refused that as well.  He said he's not leaving the home and he doesn't care what I do.  I told him that the kids and I will move out, but I will not continue to pay the mortgage on our home and that I am filing for divorce and will be forcing the sale of the home.  He said this is all my fault and I created this drama and dragged the kids into it and turned them against him.  He promised not to drink "excessively" while the kids and I remain in the home and that he would remain cordial during the divorce.  Of course, I know that his words mean nothing.  He didn't talk to me all weekend (not one word), and he moved most of his bedroom furniture out into the garage, don't know why. 
This morning he was in a better mood and agreed to take the post-nup deal and move out.  He said that the kids and I should stay in the home and he agrees that we can't live together any longer.  He also promised me that he wouldn't change his mind again, and that he'll move out as soon as I transfer some money into his account.  I'm not transferring anything until he signs the post-nup. 
The frustrating part is that once I have the post-nup ready for signature (this week), he will probably change his mind again and refuse to sign.  I still may just file for divorce now (meeting with my L again tomorrow), but I think a post-nup may be a faster way to settle the assets and move forward, and then the actual divorce would be a technicality.   
LizPA

[ForeverDad]

Of course your lawyer should review closely all terms in a post-nup.  Verify whether your state requires both spouses to each have their own lawyers in order to be valid and enforceable.

Be aware that many courts typically have more 'default' preference for mothers than fathers.  I only mention that so that you don't feel you need to be super fair.  For example, today you are the breadwinner but you have no guarantee you will have employment next year or in five years.  My point is that you shouldn't lock yourself into generous support in future years.  Odds are you'll have to support yourself and the children too.  Remember, he's an adult, society more or less should expect he can pick himself up out of his armchair and generate his own income.

Another reason not to be too fair or overly generous is that whatever proposal  you put before him, he's likely to want more.  So it is wise to hold some resources in reserve if incentives are needed.

Another piece of practical wisdom...  Don't Gift him promised funds until he has complied with his obligations.  Why?  Court is known to be weak when it comes to enforcing terms, even the terms of its own orders.  Your best Leverage is having the terms state some funds are withheld to ensure all required paperwork is completed first.

For example, if he has to sign a quit claim deed or sign papers for a sale, and if he's already got all the $$$ from you, what is the incentive for him to sign the papers in a timely manner?

[MeandThee29]

The fewer explanations, the better. In his heart-of-hearts, he knows more than you think. Mine had multiple mental health issues and long-term prescription drug use, and both problems made for a truly a tangled mess that made life with him unbearable. He also had a suicide attempt followed by all kinds of promises of change that quickly fizzled. The last months we were together were over-the-top bad and took me a long time to work through.

In the end it was he that left, but I got to the point that I stood my ground on what had to change, and he wouldn't do it. So he initiated the divorce process, and I agreed. His poor attorney went through h*ll with what he told mine was "the worse client ever." He only stayed on the case as a favor to mine as they had been going against each other for decades and used to go out for a beer after court and toast each other.

Of course I worried about my ex from the day he left and to the present. But I can't be in something that destructive, period. He crafted a "poor me" scenario with his family (hello, drama triangle) that continues. It was clear there was a lot of work to look good for his family and to involve them in crucifying and blaming me. To my knowledge he never got professional help although the drug issue is supposedly no more. However, certain attitudes develop in addiction that I don't think were ever addressed, and long-term use does damage certain mental processes. It was just all a no-go in the end.

[livednlearned]

Sometimes people stayed engaged in conflict as a way to work through negative emotions. He isn't quite caught up to where you are emotionally and even if he wants the same thing as you, he won't go about it the right away because of the way BPD traits interfere.

I think if I had presented to my ex how much I was willing to spend to settle things, whether in court or not, and show how that cost would impact his bottom line in the settlement, and agreed to co-parenting counseling, not necessarily to solve anything (at least, in my thinking) but to give him an outlet to process negative emotions), he may have actually agreed. Instead, the fight dragged on in court where he knew we had to appear (costing us into the six figures) so he could express his dysfunctional hurt through lawyers and whatnot.

Sometimes they know the relationship isn't tenable, and, at least in my case, don't have the capacity to parent (and know it). But that doesn't take care of the sideways blast of profound rage that has to get expressed when the abandonment wound is laid fully bare.

[LizPA]

Update and very strange turn of events.  H and I had another talk, about a week after the kids and I returned from the hotel, about divorce and selling the house.  H is moving forward clearing out the house and even rented a storage unit for all his things until he can move out, but he said he won't be able to move out quickly because he has no money or job and asked if he could stay a few more weeks.  We had a heart-to-heart conversation and he was very hurt and deflated, but accepting of the fact that we're separating.  H said that he knows I hate him but he misses me.  I told him I don't hate him, I do still love him (after 30yrs. of marriage I can't turn off my love) but I just can't live with him any longer.  I never mentioned his BPD, but just stated that our goals and definition of happiness are very different and the dysfunction of our relationship is not good for anyone (H, me or the kids) and that we've already tried counseling and working through things on our own, but we are just two different people that communicate and process things differently and we will never be happy living together and that separating could be the best thing for everyone, even if he doesn't see it that way now.
I agreed he could stay at the house as long as there is no tension or conflict and he finds a job, signs the post-nup and continues to work towards moving out.  I also said I was looking for another home and would like to move out before we list the home for sale.  But if I move out first, he has to pay the mortgage until the home is sold.  He agreed, but asked if we can still be "close" and then he asked for a hug and kiss because he's hurting.

There were a lot of tears from both of us, but also acceptance of our situation.  Although we are now on the same page with moving forward, and we did (and continue) to show affection to each other (hug, kiss), I refuse to go any further than that.  So now we're at a strange spot; H is continuing to "love bomb" me and I'm trying to maintain a conflict-free relationship until after the post-nup is signed and I move out.  I'm not leading him on, I would love to still maintain a loving relationship with him, but I just can't physically live in the same house with him.

Although I'm relived that the emotions are calm and there is no tension between us, I also know that it's inevitable that another BPD episode is just around the corner.  Most likely to be triggered by either me not sleeping with him or after he reads the post-nup.  At this point it's a race against time to find a home and move out before the next meltdown. But as of now we both agreed to try to maintain our relationship while living apart.

Am I crazy to think that this could work?  I would feel much better if I had a place of my own and we could both have our separate lives and basically date.  I know that sounds nuts after 30 years of marriage, but it may be the best of both worlds and, if it doesn't work out, at least we'll already be living independently and could easily move on.  I know a few long-time married couples that fanaticize about this type of living situation :-).

Can a married couple (one with BPD) have a healthy, loving marriage while living apart?  Is it unrealistic to think that we could continue a romantic relationship while living separately and when his BPD flares-up we can take a break from each other for a little while, then reconnect after the episode passes?
LizPA

[Cat Familiar]

I think it’s a possibility, but you two would certainly be one of those unicorn couples. That he’s being rational and cooperative now is a good sign.

Wait and see how it goes after the divorce.