At the very end of my tether

[Happiness40]

Hi this is my 1st post I’ve been lurking since August. So over lockdown I realised my husband of 2 years partner of 12 wasn’t being truthful over money. He has always avoided giving me access to bank accounts but I didn’t have no reason not to trust him but i was feeling increasingly like there was so many things that didn’t add up. I asked him to please give me bank account access and told him how he was making me feel, then came the 1st blow up how dare I question him when I shouted at our daughter on hunny moon 2 years prior. I was gob snacked he was going so crazy I had to leave. These things had happened before but nearly 4 years he has been fine and I put it down to loosing he’s sister and father in short succession. I event went back but every time I mentioned money he would react so I made the decision to leave. I left for a week and found out he’s gambled away all of our money on top of that had borrow large sums of money and got my family not to tell me. He kept kicking  of saying I abuse the children etc and if I was to make him homeless he would make sure everyone knew I abuse our children. We then went through months of him being paranoid about me etc. Finally I reached out for my own mental health and they asked me if anyone in he’s family has a personality disorder and he’s sister and brother do. I worked out amongst the chaos that I thought he could have this and reached out to him while he was away for my 40th with the children. I decided for everyone’s sake not to go. He agreed and was very relieved that there was an answer to everything and has been committed to group therapy which he done and now he starts on to one in January. My eldest daughter has the same emotional outbursts which are worse because they have been continuous. She moved away to uni because of the relationship break down between me and her. She came back for Christmas and I snapped at my husband and other daughter over a song and the eldest went crazy. This all then became because I snapped. I’m human I’ve had to cope with a lot this year and I honestly feel like I’m so unimportant. My husband then went into I’m a manipulative liar so I left because I knew where that was going. Now I’m home I need to realise I’m a manipulative liar and that none of the children can turn to me or talk to me. I don’t know what to believe anymore. My parenting isn’t ever questioned when he’s fine with me. He always insists that if I want to end the relationship I should be the one to move out. He would quite happily see me in a refuge or hostel with nothing. I guess he believes that’s what I deserve. Every time I say we could do this more fairly he goes into how no one likes me I can’t trust my friends, my family all think the same about me etc etc. I keep asking hun why he wants to stay in a relationship with someone so terrible and then he goes into he doesn’t he hasn’t loved me years and he’s always thought I’m abusing him and the children. I feel so uncomfortable yet again in my own home. My daughters are barely taking to me and they have both made him aware of things that I’ve told them in private because you know lockdown, not being able to talk openly with Friends and so on. I feel betrayed. He and my eldest at one point was planning to stand up in court and say I abuse my children. I can’t cope anymore with anything. The man I love is actually a monster

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

There’s a lot going on here. Are you secure financially as far as having money for food and housing?

So he’s got some big gambling debts and your family kept that information from you?

He threatens to say that you’re abusing the children and thinks that is a strategy to keep you from leaving?

Perhaps your eldest daughter has a personality disorder too? And she’s been in cahoots with your husband and possibly willing to testify in court should the marriage end?