Hi Zanne, if you are still here...
So sorry, things were a little crazy and it got missed that your last post had questions!
You mentioned:
Suicide threat with specific time/place. I sent the police to her house and she was retained in ER for 24 hours. I hopped a plane and went to her house.
Her fury toward me was/is almost unbelievable. She “doesn’t trust me”
Interesting - I have read stories like that here before and a similar thing happened with my son. He is still mad at me for taking him to the ER 8 years ago after he told me that he was so stressed and upset that he was excreting blood. Told me he doesn't trust me anymore and how dare I put him in a place where there are cops and doctors. It happened when my dad died in 2012 and he still ruminates about it constantly. I have tried and tried for the last 2 years now that I know about bpd and validation to correct my reactions to it but I suppose 6 years of poor reactions (JADEing) have taken their toll.
Sometimes I wonder if their reaction is subliminally that we took away their last power.
Do they feel that the only thing they have left is to get anyone to realize their distress, understand their pain is for them to go the the extreme of threatening suicide? Maybe if someone who loves me is afraid of losing me, then that someone will finally take me seriously!
When we solve that problem for ourselves by quickly jumping in and involving police or ambulance etc., we have taken away their last power to get us to listen to their cries for help. Instead of sitting down and listening, validating etc. we take away the thing they are using to try and get us to listen. We take away the tool they are using to feel heard.
Does that make sense?
Also you asked about ignoring the self-medicating and whether or not to encourage therapy in mellow times.
The self-medicating is really and truly her choice as a full adult. As is therapy.
If still want to approach her about this and you feel that she might be receptive to these conversations I encourage you to prepare in advance your plan of how to approach this with her. It might even be a good idea to write down your words so that you can memorize them. Plan them according to the tools and tips available here or in the recommended books on bpd. Possibly the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. approach might work best. Planning ahead might prevent a backfire. At least that is what works for me (I have had plenty of backfires).
Best wishes,
R