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Author Topic: Treading cautiously to help adult child cope  (Read 980 times)
zanne

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 11


« on: December 30, 2020, 05:17:35 PM »


"Treading cautiously to help adult child cope" is really only half of it. I am probably in as much trouble as she is, as I have only just become familiar
with BPD.
Have thought for several years that my now 35-yr-old daughter was acting harshly toward me, but it was nothing compared to now.

Thank you for being available to help me navigate this new reality...




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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Resiliant
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 180



« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2020, 05:33:40 PM »

Hi Zanne,

Let us help you.  We can relate.  You can probably imagine what we have dealt with even when I tell you that you can't even imagine what our adult children have said to us because it sounds like you have heard the same.

We have heard the worst.   We are loving parents who have worked hard for our children until they have become adult children and beyond.   Still we are receiving the most hurtful accusations.  We are not going to judge you on this.   We have been there.

Do you feel comfortable telling us more so that we can let you know how we can relate and share our stories?

We are here for you

hugs

R


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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
Tulipps
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 63


« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2021, 07:14:28 AM »

"Treading cautiously to help adult child cope"

Your title resonates. 
First, the anguish in your message is palpable. You are truly trying to help.
Second, the recognition that your offspring is an adult but still your child. This is especially tough - and something I'm struggling with as well.  My daughter is 33 and yet my response to her abuse and demands has been to give in. Why? Because she's my child, she's unwell, she expresses hopelessness/helplessness, she has no one else...  whatever the trigger of the day happened to be.
It is incredibly hard to see someone you love suffer but what happens if we look in a mirror? What do we feel when we see ourselves suffering? Can we love ourselves? Can we be kind to ourselves?

I feel for you. On any given day, we've all been there.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
T
 
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zanne

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 11


« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2021, 03:39:30 PM »


First, thank you for your notes to me.
Yesterday I wrote a long post regarding my situation, but somehow managed to erase it. Wondered if it was a clue to me that I should reconsider what I was writing! This one will be shorter, but not by much.
Me: 67
Dear Daughter, DD: 35, undiagnosed with many BPD traits.
My husband #1: dd bio father, very handsome and charming, a dreamer. Found another woman and left us when DD was 3. He had three more kids and limited contact with DD until his untimely death last year at 58.
I was a single mother for next five years. Good job, great friends and support system. DD happy, smart and well-liked. A wonderful child with lots of friends.
I met husband #2: grounded with some professional prestige. After 9 years he too found another woman and moved on. No contact with DD since then, though he was very fair in divorce and left $$ for DD college.
DD off to college. Marginal student, but beautiful and with the gift of gab. She was 18 when I felt something between us changing. Horrible outbursts and blame. Seemed like a teenaged child acting out. I asked two trusted friends that had know DD all her life to get together with her (separately) and neither one saw any evidence of what I was experiencing.
DD came home frequently from college but our visits were often strained.
She was very involved in school, sorority, etc. Found a great boyfriend and seemed to be living it up!
I moved out of state after she graduated, to care for aging parents. She announced her engagement to said boyfriend and they were married….
Her wedding week was so hurtful. She acted badly to me and my family, once leaving me and my mother stranded in a parking lot. Her behavior was so outrageous I considered taking her to the ER. The actual wedding day was worse, (and so sad for me). BRIDEZILLA.

Visited DD and husband frequently and experienced more of the same behavior. But I wasn’t the only target. She was crazy mean to her husband.
DD was experiencing super sensitivity to many sounds, particularly a dog licking or someone clearing their throat or making any sound with their mouth. These were very normal types of sounds but would send dd running off to her bedroom screaming. Now I know this is not uncommon in those with BPD.
They divorced 8 years later. Husband was devastated but has since moved on.
DD has lost four good jobs.
DD in physically abusive relationship. On again off again for 1 year. Back and forth admiring--then hating him. Frequent breakups.
Two months ago, following fight with boyfriend DD texted her ex-husband, her childhood best friend and me. Suicide threat with specific time/place. I sent the police to her house and she was retained in ER for 24 hours. I hopped a plane and went to her house.
Her fury toward me was/is almost unbelievable. She “doesn’t trust me” and sometimes hates everyone.
For the second time, she is coming to my home to visit. Last time I observed drinking, smoking and taking a med prescribed by MD for ADHD.
Don’t know if I should ignore the self-medicating or use the mellow times to encourage her to therapy.
Thoughts?

 







.



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Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 180



« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2021, 09:12:13 AM »

Hi Zanne,  if you are still here...

So sorry, things were a little crazy and it got missed that your last post had questions!

You mentioned:  
Excerpt
Suicide threat with specific time/place. I sent the police to her house and she was retained in ER for 24 hours. I hopped a plane and went to her house.
Her fury toward me was/is almost unbelievable. She “doesn’t trust me”

Interesting - I have read stories like that here before and a similar thing happened with my son.  He is still mad at me for taking him to the ER 8 years ago after he told me that he was so stressed and upset that he was excreting blood.  Told me he doesn't trust me anymore and how dare I put him in a place where there are cops and doctors.   It happened when my dad died in 2012 and he still ruminates about it constantly.  I have tried and tried for the last 2 years now that I know about bpd and validation to correct my reactions to it but I suppose 6 years of poor reactions (JADEing) have taken their toll.

Sometimes I wonder if their reaction is subliminally that we took away their last power.  

Do they feel that the only thing they have left is to get anyone to realize their distress, understand their pain is for them to go the the extreme of threatening suicide?  Maybe if someone who loves me is afraid of losing me, then that someone will finally take me seriously!

When we solve that problem for ourselves by quickly jumping in and involving police or ambulance etc., we have taken away their last power to get us to listen to their cries for help.   Instead of sitting down and listening, validating etc. we take away the thing they are using to try and get us to listen.   We take away the tool they are using to feel heard.    

Does that make sense?

Also you asked about ignoring the self-medicating and whether or not to encourage therapy in mellow times.

The self-medicating is really and truly her choice as a full adult.   As is therapy.  

If still want to approach her about this and you feel that she might be receptive to these conversations I encourage you to prepare in advance your plan of how to approach this with her.  It might even be a good idea to write down your words so that you can memorize them.  Plan them according to the tools and tips available here or in the recommended books on bpd.   Possibly the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. approach might work best.    Planning ahead might prevent a backfire.  At least that is what works for me (I have had plenty of backfires).

Best wishes,

R

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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
Resiliant
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married. With adult child relationship can be described as loving. Cloudy with sunny breaks. High wind warning. Risk of thunderstorms but much less severe than previous. Long term forecast shows promise of sunnier days ahead
Posts: 180



« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2021, 09:41:12 AM »

Oh - and one more thing (that I just learned today).

You mentioned:
Excerpt
DD was experiencing super sensitivity to many sounds, particularly a dog licking or someone clearing their throat or making any sound with their mouth. These were very normal types of sounds but would send dd running off to her bedroom screaming.

It is called "misophonia".  In case you want to look it up!

I just learned that from a previous post started by Sunny28 called Grown Son with Most BPD Traits.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347028.0   

I find this very interesting since I believe my son to be comorbid ASD and BPD, and misophonia is common in autism as well.

R
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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

― Charles R. Swindoll
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« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2021, 02:32:12 AM »

Hi Zanne. Just a couple of queries . . . . .

I thought signs of BPD start earlier than the age your daughter started. From what you say, things were pretty stable for many years. Perhaps others here have the same experience and can put me right on this but my experience and understanding is that certain signs can start quite young with BPD.


A couple of friends who were diagnosed with bipolar had their first 'episode' about the same age your daughter seemed to change.

Also wondering if there has been any diagnosis of ADHD for your daughter to have prescription meds for this?

Is there any possibility your daughter might have used marijuana or something prior to the change? Some people are very sensitive to some of these substances.

I'm not being very helpful am I but just trying to understand your daughter's journey.



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