Mirroring unmet needs & reaching out to exes of exes (poly)

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First of all: what a resource. I was devouring the articles and ticking boxes, but this is another level of value. Thank you.

My questions: Curious where others have looked re: finding what unmet needs their romantic partner with BPD provided them? Reflection tools? And how you are going about fulfilling those in healthy ways? If anyone wants to share about codependency, I welcome that.

While I haven’t seen my partner in three months, I only recently (two weeks ago) went NC due to the slow phase out not working.  I am in assessment and acknowledgement mode although I have moments of truly missing all that he provided me (my memory it turns out is terrible) and have doubts about my ability/desire to stay the course despite how awful and painful it became. Mostly he provided me with: excitement, diversion,  intellectual stimulation and physical fun. And while I have never considered myself a drama oriented person, now do I miss it?  He certainly had the capacity to stir the range of emotions within a short period of time. A rollercoaster, indeed.

My situation is somewhat unusual as he was my “secondary” (for lack of a better word) - a relationship we were only able to indulge in on the odd weekend over the last year.  And yes- that did cause huge issues of abandonment on his part. We all know the patterns and ours were no different (I cannot count the number of times he has “called it off” only to pleadingly reach out moments later...the list goes on). 

He had another girlfriend as well (my metamour) whom I never met, but I gathered ( naturally) that their relationship went through similar recycling and storminess.  Now, I am wanting to reach out to her to process perhaps our shared experience while also concerned about stirring drama and instigating unwanted triangulation (although I think, up until now, we have been triangulated against each other).

So, a two part question:

1. Unmet needs ? What did your pwBPD mirror? How did you realize this?
2. Provided that his gf is now his ex (suspected/recycling), has anyone else connected with exes shared exes?

Take care out there.

[forevermagenta]

First of all: what a resource. I was devouring the articles and ticking boxes, but this is another level of value. Thank you.

My questions: Curious where others have looked re: finding what unmet needs their romantic partner with BPD provided them? Reflection tools? And how you are going about fulfilling those in healthy ways? If anyone wants to share about codependency, I welcome that.

While I haven’t seen my partner in three months, I only recently (two weeks ago) went NC due to the slow phase out not working.  I am in assessment and acknowledgement mode although I have moments of truly missing all that he provided me (my memory it turns out is terrible) and have doubts about my ability/desire to stay the course despite how awful and painful it became. Mostly he provided me with: excitement, diversion,  intellectual stimulation and physical fun. And while I have never considered myself a drama oriented person, now do I miss it?  He certainly had the capacity to stir the range of emotions within a short period of time. A rollercoaster, indeed.

My situation is somewhat unusual as he was my “secondary” (for lack of a better word) - a relationship we were only able to indulge in on the odd weekend over the last year.  And yes- that did cause huge issues of abandonment on his part. We all know the patterns and ours were no different (I cannot count the number of times he has “called it off” only to pleadingly reach out moments later...the list goes on). 

He had another girlfriend as well (my metamour) whom I never met, but I gathered ( naturally) that their relationship went through similar recycling and storminess.  Now, I am wanting to reach out to her to process perhaps our shared experience while also concerned about stirring drama and instigating unwanted triangulation (although I think, up until now, we have been triangulated against each other).

So, a two part question:

1. Unmet needs ? What did your pwBPD mirror? How did you realize this?
2. Provided that his gf is now his ex (suspected/recycling), has anyone else connected with exes shared exes?

Take care out there.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Forevermagenta-

Welcome to our community.  You’ll find very good support here, whether you decide to continue on your journey of detachment, or opt to return to this partner at some point.

Regarding the unmet needs of mine my ex-partner met... that’s a truly difficult question to answer after the fact.  He was a mix of BPD and NPD, so his selfishness and RAGE increased over time. 

In the beginning of our relationship (which lasted 6.5 years), he brought great promise... great joy.  He’d laugh with me, relax with me, dance in my living room, he was my “great” and unexpected love... after a VERY painful divorce.

And then... complaints, heartache, RAGE, thoughtlessness, lies, gaslighting, his NARC traits kicked into full gear.

In the end when I finally let this painful relationship end, I realized this man actually never brought one real activity, original thought, friend, adventure, creative idea, ounce of truth, etc into our relationship.  It was ALL me.  In actually, I was more functional than anything to him.  Makes me so sad to understand that.

As for contacting your ex’s metamour, I would NOT do that unless you have had ongoing conversations with her in the past.  If not, you really don’t even know whether or not she even KNOWS of your existence.

I don’t intend to be harsh, but Triangulation is NEVER a good thing, and in this instance both you and she stand to be hurt.  And your efforts to find “comfort” and some explanation or common experience could actually backfire on you.

Her relationship with your ex is / was HER relationship.  And yours was yours.  At least that’s how I see it.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[oofheregoes]

I agree with Gemsforeyes about it depending on the relationship you had with your metamour before hand. If you had no contact with your metamour before, then I wouldn't contact her right now.

As a fellow poly person, I also know that communities are quite small. Do you know anyone who knows her outside of your ex? Could a casual side comment to someone about how you'd be very empathetic to her make it back to her through the grapevine?

I don't think it'd be a great idea to look to her for support. Subtly acknowledging that you'd be open and welcoming to her might not be so terrible. But I wouldn't expect her to be interested while you're in different relationship stages. Aka, if you're going NC and she's still cycling through it, but working on being in the relationship, she won't be ready to talk to you. She won't want to know/acknowledge how bad it has/can be. When she's looking to get out of the relationship or go NC, if she knows you're a friendly person happy to listen to her - she might come to you then. Or she might come here!

[forevermagenta]

Thank you both for your thoughts and comments. I appreciate the push-back regarding contacting metamour - especially the emphasis that it is HER relationship. As well as, possibly, exploring the route of a roundabout way showing openness (not sure how possible that is).

I suppose my main interest in contacting her comes from possibly a saviour-type motivation of even just sharing this website with her.

Our mutual pwBPD denied having BPD (and yet, it was his unprovoked denial that started me researching the condition and connecting the dots). Once I understood BPD more, ALL of his behaviour made sense - which previously confused me entirely (and I just hung on for the ride).  A huge relief. I have no idea if or how aware of this condition she is. I happily would pass on “processing” with her and would be very weary anyway if they are cycling still. In my better moments (which thankfully outweigh the others), the last thing I want to do is provoke further (likely enraged) contact from my ex pwBPD.

So, my revised bargaining is not so much seeking comfort from her (although sharing experiences  could be interesting/possibly helpful down the road), but just send her this website.  Thoughts? I do question my need to do this; why I am motivated to “relieve” someone’s perceived suffering or provide them with a toolkit to do as they please and yet...

As far as I know, she is aware of my relationship and knows my name/general life situation. Our only interactions have been through casual comments (previously: sometimes daily) on our shared pwBPD’s public social media threads.  And if YOU happen to be reading this, code phrase: the river that flows both ways.

And regarding unmet needs, I think your comment is a good reminder for me that it is okay and normal for it be multifactorial/messy rather than realizing one grand unmet need.

Thanks again for your insights.

[forevermagenta]

Continued processing/awareness here re: being drawn to meta.

I think he was mirroring her to me - it was her traits, values  and interests reflected on him that compelled me and kept me interested. At one point, he told me he was staying in a relationship with her because them being together made me happy (!).  When they would go through their inevitable break-up cycles, I missed her, oddly.- this person I have never met. (Idealization, anyone?)

Also, despite my openness to meet her and her apparent interest in meeting me and his apparent interest in having us meet, it never happened. The meeting, I think, would have been too much for ex wBPD- I would have seen the chameleon. He wouldn’t know what colours to adopt!

AND, I would have met the person whom he was adopting (the source of his current cloak)  and whom quite likely I could be atttacted to  (fear of abandonment).

So, my conclusion is that I was (and still am to a minor degree) drawn to her as I can re-access him without him. I can re-access those conversations and adventures that I love. And if he can’t perform the mirroring, maybe she will. And it would feel familiar as, quite possibly, he became her to me.

It’s grasping. I see that now.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey FM-

The above, how you describe the way your ex may have adopted/ mirrored your meta, is fascinating.  I had to read, reread...

So I’d ask, if he IS / WAS in fact primarily a mirror of her to you... then had you met him 2 years prior or three years later, and perhaps he’d had a different woman as his primary, you may have had NO or little attraction to him ... is that a possibility?

Perhaps I’m grasping, too?

And the natural thing for him, I believe would be NOT to introduce you to her.  PwPBD/NPD traits at times have more of a tendency to isolate their partners.  And if your ex already had limited time with you, any intrusion on that time would likely be threatening to him.  And you may have paid a “price” for that. 

Warmly,
Gems

[zachira]

I think you are wanting validation hoping to hear that other exes have experienced what you have, and likely they have. I often find it helpful to observe how others respond to a disordered person. Surely there are people that just distance themselves as quickly as they can from someone who has lots of BPD and NPD traits.

[forevermagenta]

Hi Gems,

Yes, your grasp of the situation is what I was attempting to communicate. My impression is his hobbies and values  were in complete unison with hers and yet also seemed new (about a year - the length they had been dating).

For instance, which BPD book mentions the enthusiastic gardener who, when you dig deeper, has never had a garden. This example struck me as my ex did exactly this - despite having close to sixty years to express his love of gardening, i was there for his first - this last summer. His other girlfriend lives and breaths plants.

Also, oddly, I HAVE known him (vaguely) for about fifteen years. I recall even disliking him at different points - unfriending him on fb as he just seemed like someone too tangential and unrelated to my life (and too NEGATIVE). I recall also picking up on his shame- and even shaming him further (in my mind). I had no atttaction to him. Now that I think of it, the beginning of my atttaction to him coincides with when he started dating his gf. Interesting. I’m sure it’s just a piece of the puzzle- but supports my strange theory.

And interesting you mention isolating partners - he would repeatedly mention how she was a recluse, but now I wonder. I recall joking to him early on that I might meet her and just want to chill with her all the time (now I see the truth in that and also how abandonment-provoking that “joke” was). This was very early days before i picked up on any volatility or any reason to tiptoe- when I had the naive impression that he really did want us to be a trio.

And Zacharia - Being validated, yes, I can see that need on a more general level (like, this group helps, as does therapy), but when I was able to identify this desire to experience something similar with her, the desire to reach out retreated. That I recognize a similar compulsion that I had towards my ex.