Starting to heal after 8 year marriage ends

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It’s been a hard couple of weeks in some ways, but the start of a new phase in my life. After my uBPDw blew up at our son and threw a pair of remote controls at him then came up to me and hit me in the head I immediately filed an order of protection. Three days later I filed for divorce. My son and I have been staying with my mom. It’s been challenging, especially with the holiday, but I can’t remember the last time I had two weeks free of anger and insults.
I’ve been experiencing many emotions during this period too. I’ve felt some sadness over the end of what could have been. I’ve also felt sad thinking about what my soon  to be ex must be feeling having to spend the holidays alone. We lost our 3yo son in 2019, and I seem to be missing him more now too. I feel some relief that I finally made this choice that I’ve been dreading for years. I feel anxiety over the thought of how my ex will try to paint me through what is sure to be a difficult divorce. Thankfully since I’ve been free of the stress and strain of living with a pwBPD, I’ve been much more patient with my son, which is exactly what he needs right now.
I have a great therapist and some really good friends that have been supporting me for years and are still delivering when I need them. BPD family is another place I’ve been turning to for support over the last year. I’m sure I’ll get some great help on this board now that I’m starting this phase.

[RestlessWanderer]

It’s been a hard couple of weeks in some ways, but the start of a new phase in my life. After my uBPDw blew up at our son and threw a pair of remote controls at him then came up to me and hit me in the head I immediately filed an order of protection. Three days later I filed for divorce. My son and I have been staying with my mom. It’s been challenging, especially with the holiday, but I can’t remember the last time I had two weeks free of anger and insults.
I’ve been experiencing many emotions during this period too. I’ve felt some sadness over the end of what could have been. I’ve also felt sad thinking about what my soon  to be ex must be feeling having to spend the holidays alone. We lost our 3yo son in 2019, and I seem to be missing him more now too. I feel some relief that I finally made this choice that I’ve been dreading for years. I feel anxiety over the thought of how my ex will try to paint me through what is sure to be a difficult divorce. Thankfully since I’ve been free of the stress and strain of living with a pwBPD, I’ve been much more patient with my son, which is exactly what he needs right now.
I have a great therapist and some really good friends that have been supporting me for years and are still delivering when I need them. BPD family is another place I’ve been turning to for support over the last year. I’m sure I’ll get some great help on this board now that I’m starting this phase.

[I Am Redeemed]

You finally have room for your own feelings and moods and thoughts, instead of constantly being on high alert trying to navigate her minefields. Yes, there may be some acting out behavior during the divorce process or even after,  but you have boundaries in place to protect yourself and you are attending to your own wellbeing. The byproduct of that is that you can better attend to your son's needs.

When we get space for ourselves, lots of our own stuff comes to the surface. I think this may be why you are missing your youngest son more (as well as the holiday season which tends to bring thoughts of loved ones who have passed).

I lost my dad during my relationship with ex ubpdh and I lost my mother just a few months after our separation. It was a while before I could process that grief because I was so used to being hypervigilant about my ex and his moods. Finally getting space for myself gave me opportunity to address the trauma and process the grief. It may be similar for you.

There's also the grief of the end of the marriage which will take time to process. Therapy helped me get through that, too.

[BPDsysiphus]

So sorry for your loss. My soon to be ex BPD wife and I have a 3 year old and were together 4 years. Broke things off a week ago myself. Mine swore on my life about not cheating on me for the third time and I found out the truth. She was with me by my mothers deathbed couple years ago. She told my mother she would take care of me. We rushed the wedding so my mom could still see it. My ex was also there and held my cat of 14 years when we had to put him to sleep. Today I seem to be very sentimental and remembering all the intimate moments. The last week or so was somewhat easy but today has been hard.

You're not alone. Stay strong for your son. We're doing the right thing walking away from them.

[cash05458]

The above mentioned issue of now having own space to have own feelings and not always be on the alert via the recent ex's moods or being ready to play instant therapist is something I am finding very true as well...even the sadness seems to have more clarity...rather than just being overwhelmed by her being here and her emotions and something I can't control but will have to deal with..

[RestlessWanderer]

Chaos at a distance is so much more manageable than chaos in your face. It’s also much more intermittent.
Every day without that constant chaos is like a day without a cigarette. The healing and regrowth can take place without the constant damage. Continuing in that environment is like smoking too. The damage continues and eventually spreads.

I am healing now. And it’s invigorating.

[RestlessWanderer]

I have no doubt that I’m doing the right thing. But I’m wondering if I’m doing it the right way. I suppose that it takes time for this major upheaval to land in a new normal. My S has been handling things exceptionally well, but he’s getting frustrated not being at home. We’re still at my moms since the TPO permitted RWw to stay in our home (but she’s been staying in a hotel the last few days). Even with her gone I’ve been advised to stay out of the house so she can’t claim I violated the order, hence nullifying it. We have a hearing on Thursday, so hopefully this can get sorted out.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi RW-

I always follow your threads, although I generally don’t say much.   I’m so sorry about what happened recently, and I’m very relieved that you and your precious son are now at your mom’s.

I know you’re having a terribly difficult time now that you’ve been forced to file the TPO.  And that’s how I see it... you were FORCED to do this.

So when you say you know you are “doing the right thing... but wondering if you’re “doing it the right way”. - it seems to me you’re doing this the ONLY way.  There WAS no choice. 

RW - Why do you wonder whether you’re doing this “the right way”?

The alternative would have been for your little boy to have witnessed NO repercussions to the fact that she hit you in the head; and to risk your little boy being hit by the next object she threw toward him.  And that basically would have meant, in my eyes, that this child was being “abused” by both parents.  Maybe others see things differently.  But I don’t think you did at the time.  You KNEW, and KNOW she crossed a dangerous line.  Permanently.

She is NOT your “victim”.  And she never has been.  Regardless of how disordered she may be.

I am so so sorry for the pain and loss that you’ve endured... Are enduring.  And I do believe, as others have noted, that since you are finally “permitted” to experience your own feelings, that it’s important for you to give yourself the grace and patience to do just that.  My friend, you likely have some grief to process...  take the space and time you need.

What do you hope the result of the hearing will be?  What does your attorney advise regarding the hearing?

Please, above all else, remember that You would NEVER have been able to love your W to wellness.  None of us could... and most of us tried in every way possible.  Only she can help herself.

And we’re here to walk beside you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[RestlessWanderer]

I guess I should clarify what I mean by “doing it the right way.” I have no doubt that the TPO was the only choice to make. What I’m referring to is how things are going now with us being out of our house. Thankfully my son is used to being here anyway.

I suppose that this would be hard on him no matter what. And this may actually be the easiest way to do this, relative to his comfort.

[Snowflake90]

Welcome brother. I've read your story. Sorry for your loss.
I've been going through very similar stuff you have. I've left a six year marriage, a month ago. I've got two kids and now an exwBPD.
It's definitely not easy, but once you spend some time apart, life begins to make much more sense. You indeed heal. Not being yelled at everyday can be really satisfying. I've been reconnecting with my hobbies, like sports, cooking and reading.
There will be moments you'll be questioning yourself, did I really do the right thing? Could it have been different?
It helps to journal. I made a list of things that would probably happen if I came back. I keep them at my phone whenever I get homesick. It serves as a reality check. e.g. : you will be treated like cr*p; you will have to do all the chores; no sex; no affection; devaluing; crazy drama; suicide threats; self-harm, you name it, etc etc
As you said it's a lot easier managing chaos from a distance. Couldn't agree more. She tries to gaslight me through whatsapp. It just makes me laugh, and I say to myself: Thank God I left her and now don't have to take her cr*p anymore. I just respond dryly and rudely and tell her we've been past talking about feelings. And if I just want to tell her she's the one who left me and treated me like cr*p all these years, I just do!
So we're here for you... Take the time to heal. It helps to go on a vacation. Just came back from the beach and it was amazing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RW, I admire your courage to file for a protective order, which to me shows good boundaries.  You drew a line in the sand.  I agree that you're doing the right thing.  There is no road map for detaching from a pwBPD.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings as your guide.  Now that you've put the turmoil and abuse behind, you can start to find your path out of the BPD Forest.  It's an uphill climb, I found, but I didn't mind because it was My Path, separate and apart from the chaos that defined my life with a pwBPD.  Many of us have been down this road before you, my friend, and can help you find your way.

LuckyJim