Sharing where I am at

[forevermagenta]

I’m inclined to make a few posts, as I work through this new closure. Given the generally closeted nature of my relationship with my ex pwBPD, not many people even knew I was seeing anyone additionally (new to poly/non-monogamy) so my outlet for talking this out are limited. I now see how this built in isolation creates vulnerabilities.

While I acknowledge that there was a LOT that appealed to me about our relationship, given the sporadic nature of our times of our times together (we both have very full, busy, demanding lives with each in another relationship) I think I was slow to realize and acknowledge what was actually happening. I had a tendency to make excuses.

The pandemic was starting, so this put strain on our new relationship - was I serious? he would ask. And despite partially working through his PhD in a scientific field, he seemed to (purposefully?) not understand the basic health measures in our area. I also have a scientific background, but I let his opinion prevail - which arguably was gaslighting and likely coming from a place of not wanting to abandoned.

We were of different cultural backgrounds/born in vastly different parts of the world-  which was a big focus for him- likely because he has spent the majority of his life as a minority. Whenever I would question his behaviour or anger or impulsive breakups (confounded as BPD was unknown to me then), he would reduce it to our cultural differences. That I was racist and from a repressed culture. I think this confused things. As there are differences culturally in how emotions are expressed and I have had little exposure to his culture. As I see myself as someone who is curious, understanding, with a social justice bent, I was very willing to explore this new way of being- that maybe it was a liberating way to be! I was impressed by his ability to move from offense to forgiveness so quickly. I was impressed by his abandon when it came expressing his anger. No tiptoeing from him! Here I am- he seemed to declare. As someone who is “understanding” and “compassionate” and “highly sensitive” I revelled in his freedom and wanted some of that for myself. He encouraged me to just “let it out” in the moment - which can, I believe, be healthy sometimes, but I also think this could be some BPD residue I have now inherited. Working on what I want to keep and discard.

Looking back through our messages, I notice as well that I tended a lot to his various transient ailments. His sleep. His back. His breathing. His depression (unnamed). His anxiety (unnamed). I allowed him a lot of leeway and attention as I saw him as suffering so much. And meanwhile, I won’t go into details- but I have a considerable amount going on in my life. My capacity, I see now, is far too limited and stretched as is to consume myself with his concerns (some degree would have been okay). But, I tended to override my own concerns as it was easier to see and tend to  his than my own. Externalized. Potentially fixable. A distraction from my own life. He seemed so much more bothered by things than me, so I told myself - it doesn’t matter what the issue is (we clearly both have), it is how we deal with it (and he needs some support right now).

Overall, we saw each other infrequently over the last year. Due to the spacing of our meetings and our reliance on text to communicate (vastly different schedules and availability), my awareness was slow to develop. I want to think that I would have seen it for what it was sooner had we been able to spend more than a few hours together at a time instead of stretching the whole thing out. He especially was maddened by texting and our in-person times were generally beautiful, so I also forgave him a lot of texting verbal abuse and erraticisn because I knew he was constantly annoyed by texting (and who isn’t, to some degree?). He is considerably older than me (twenty years older), so I also cracked it up to generational differences, as well.

Another interesting thing, as well, is that he would sometimes call me in a very dysregulated state (yelling, stressed) and I could talk him down and bring him to a good place. While my primary relationship doesn’t ask this of me at all, I found a certain pride in being able to be this comfort to him, to bring him down, bring him some relief.. But, I also recall, ending those calls with a big sigh - that took a lot out of me, stretched me- that I am capable of doing that, but it’s not my “thing” generally (maybe if I had more time).

As well, I have close family members with major psychiatric disorders, so I pride myself somewhat on being the calm, de-escalating, diplomatic one. I felt, had I had more time, I have the experience and skills to make it work. It feels somewhat of a defeat to walk away.

I’m sure there are plenty more examples of me “looking past” my discomfort to see and tend to his.

I do have some concern that I won’t go through an “anger stage” as I still love, care and miss him, but just know it is completely unsustainable for me, at this time. If my life wasn’t already incredibly full, I could see myself diving deep into making it work. Mostly, I feel untethered grief - as I am not able to really express it- and sadness that our relationship was so impacted potentially by the size of his amygdala.

[Mutt]

Hi forevermagenta,

As you probably already know BPD behaviors are triggered by intimacy - the closer that you are to a pwBPD the more acting out behaviors. At the center of the disorder is the fear of aloneness, a pwBPD will frantically try to avoid being alone even if that means that they leave a loved one before they are going to be abandoned, perceived or real.

It is a self fulfilling prophecy driven by their core wound. You mentioned that you have experience with mental illness in family. As you know there is a lot unpredictability even if we do everything that we think that we can possibly do to not trigger that person.  Many members can relate with your post. I can relate with bargaining and looking at the r/s and specifics that maybe if I had acted differently then I could have the r/s.

From reading your post it sounds like you did the best that you could do at the time.

[forevermagenta]

Hi Mutt,

Yes, I can’t really imagine how uncomfortable having BPD is when fear of loneliness/abandonment is the core wound and also triggered by increasing intimacy. There is no easy place with this deal. There are so many compounding aspects to this illness/disorder.

Yes, two of my immediate family members have major psychiatric disorders (sibling has schizophrenia and my mother has bipolar disorder II). It’s funny as my main romantic relationship is so stable (seven years), but this year long experience with upwBPD seems to have a struck a deep chord with me. I think the illness, naturally is a huge part of this, as well as somehow the chaos, uncertainty and aliveness was very familiar and comforting/addictive in a way- reminiscent of my childhood.  And, in the end, seems to have a similar tradegy as my family members : I love them deeply, but can’t connect.

I’d like to go deeper with this and not end there, but that is my current place. Somehow this relationship has jarred me in a more profound way than others. Even over the course of a day, I can feel myself soften to him, wanting to forget, wanting to go back to the way it was - and be complete, even for a moment. In some ways, I feel I did the right thing to move on (for my emotional sustainability and ability to be present otherwise in my life) and the other side of me wants to jump right back in and take it all. I’m doing my best to just let it all go.

[crushedagain]

Given the generally closeted nature of my relationship with my ex pwBPD, not many people even knew I was seeing anyone additionally (new to poly/non-monogamy)...It’s funny as my main romantic relationship is so stable (seven years), but this year long experience with upwBPD seems to have a struck a deep chord with me.

I don't understand this. Are you cheating, or does your 7 year partner know what you're doing? I thought "poly" was when people were in an open relationship.

[forevermagenta]

My partner is aware - as are a few close friends. That said, this aspect of my life isn’t really what I’m here to focus on. I mention it only to provide context.