Should I apologise to BPD after no contact?

[honomonopomo]

As I was escaping my relationship with a BPD/NPD boyfriend, I told him that I think he is cluster b. He was splitting and abusive. He talked about having conduct disorder as a kid and emotional problems throughout our relationship. Talked about his abusive dad all of the time.
He took out all of his anger on me and was manipulative, sadistic, paranoid, controlling, moody, and also the sweetest, kindest, most fun, talented, and amazing boyfriend.
I was definitely being emotionally abused but understand that most of the time he couldn't help it. He admitted that he has a problem and that he doesn't want to be like this, but he'll never go to therapy on his own.
He got me so riled up and angry because of his cheating and withholding, that I called him evil. I called him a narcissist. I shamed him. I also confided in a few people and it turned into a gossip fest that is still ongoing, with me as a victim of a smear campaign, and he is the victim. He has a rep for being 'an asshole' or a 'dog' but people don't understand what is really going on with him. He is an alcoholic so it's easy to hide behind that too. He is VERY popular and VERY good at impression management.
I have c-ptsd and recovering from cancer. I think all the stress made me sick.I haven't been able to talk to a therapist because I can't find the right one, especially in this pandemic.
What is bothering me is the guilt I feel for calling him evil, because he was told that throughout his childhood because of his problems. I feel guilty for flipping out and confiding in the wrong people. At the time I was so traumatised (still am) and I wanted to protect other women. I thought he was just a malignant narcissist when we broke up, but after a ton of research, I realise his primary issue is BPD. Which makes me feel like a horrible person for exposing and humiliating him. Really, he is sensitive and splits on himself, and I don't want to be responsible for adding more shame and depression to his plate.
I've been no contact for a year and a half now, but think about him all day, every day.

Should I apologise to him?

I don't want to rekindle a romantic relationship, but after almost dying from cancer and being away from him (which has been so painful) I can't help wonder if in our short lives, one should be brave to ask for forgiveness, for demonising a mental health condition.

[forevermagenta]

I’m new to wrapping my head around BPD, but I suspect the risk you run with opening contact and apologizing is being flooded with adoration and lovebombed. Perhaps you have more strength than me, but I would really struggle not to then see him solely for his good traits...and the cycle begins. I would be very wary of doing this.

Sounds like continuing to look for a therapist might be a prudent move and perhaps I wonder- is there a way for you to apologize to yourself? Ask forgiveness of yourself?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey honomono, I agree w/forevermagenta: what's the point?  I suggest you let go of the guilt.  You did nothing wrong and were obviously under a tremendous amount of stress when you lashed out.  Hey, you're human!  Everyone has his/her breaking point and it seems like you reached yours.  Don't beat yourself up!  So what if he's popular or makes a good impression?  You know what he's really like.  I suggest you stand in your truth.  In my view, there's no need to apologize to the abuser.  Forgive yourself, as magenta says, and move on.

LuckyJim

[cash05458]

I agree with the above statements...no need to apologize...your actions were most like infinitesimal compared to what you were dealing with...apologizing for our actions is a good thing via "normal" situations and relationships...but not in this case...it would prolly be used as a further weapon back towards you as well...there is no point...

[brighter future]

I agree with all of the others. It's been a year and a half now of NC, so why break it? You've got to take care of your physical and mental health as well. He's an adult and will have to fend for himself. I promise you, if you resume contact, it will set you back in your healing.

I struggled with going NC when my uBPD ex-g/f abruptly discarded me about 8.5 months ago. She would admit to severe emotional issues and admit she needed help. Literally the next day, she would deny needing help and say that's just the way I am. When she was in that frame of mind, she'd project her issues onto others, which is what she did at the time of our abrupt split.  I recall telling my therapist that I was worried that I would hurt my ex's feelings if I deleted her from my social media and didn't accept text messages or emails from her. My therapists response was, "You're doing this for your mental health. Receiving messages from her and social media updates on her adventures with her newfound love are destroying you emotionally." After about 4.5 months of NC on my part, I started hearing from her either directly or indirectly and got a brief in person visit in November. The most recent blip came just over two weeks ago. Each time I was contacted directly by her or "blipped" by her, I started with ruminations about her again. Trust me, you don't want that, nor do you need it.

Best wishes for a happy and healthy 2021.

[B53]

Even people with BPD have moments of clarity. He hasn’t made an effort to apologize to you. You have been gone long enough that he has probably moved on several times. It’s always about them and you are no longer filling a need for him and as hard as it is to hear and believe, he probably doesn’t even think about you. We are just a host, until they find another. You have been through enough. LJ is right, forgive yourself, move on and have a great life!
B53

[cash05458]

I think B53 is correct..calling him "evil' means pretty much nothing to him...honest...just another thing...let yourself off the Matt... folks say stuff all the time...this is about you, not him...

[Mutt]

Hi homomonopomo,  



I'd like to join the others and welcome you to the family.

I thought he was just a malignant narcissist when we broke up, but after a ton of research, I realise his primary issue is BPD.

We cannot diagnose, only a professional can do that, what we can look at are traits of disorder.

I'd also like to echo what others have said, don't be hard on yourself. You were hurt because of the infidelity and you were going through a long term illness.

My advice is think if this is the appropriate time to forgive him. I would shelve the idea for now and reassess it in a few months months from now. I don't think that it's a bad idea but I would evaluate where the idea is really stemming from and if that's the proper context to truly forgive him.

[honomonopomo]

Thanks for the support everyone. Just to clarify, I'm pretty confidant in my armchair diagnosing of my ex having BPD. He told me his history and mentioned gestalt therapy as a kid. His massive splitting happened when I triggered his fear of abandonment. He was in a psychotic like state for the remaining 4 months that I was with him. That's when he became abusive and misogynistic. He did try to apologise and get me to stay, but I had to leave. I didn't know it was BPD or else I would have left with more compassion. We did want to stay together, which is were I feel like a failure. He was trying so hard to let me in, but of course there needed to be a therapist involved. I just wish that I had been able to have a conversation about it with him. I know he wants help, but being the child that he is, he needs someone to encourage him. A mutual friend said that he thinks that 'I hate him.' I have not reached out, but still wonder if he needs to hear that I don't hate him and once again try to talk about therapy. He doesn't understand his splitting and emptiness. If I had BPD, I would want someone to tell me. He is so ashamed of all of his failed relationships and how he behaved with me. That's my co-dependance talking, I know.

I just wonder if any one in the world has been in this position and did reach out and be a supportive friend and stable presence for someone with BPD that needs a little push in the right direction?

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks for the support everyone. Just to clarify, I'm pretty confidant in my armchair diagnosing of my ex having BPD. He told me his history and mentioned gestalt therapy as a kid. His massive splitting happened when I triggered his fear of abandonment. He was in a psychotic like state for the remaining 4 months that I was with him. That's when he became abusive and misogynistic. He did try to apologise and get me to stay, but I had to leave. I didn't know it was BPD or else I would have left with more compassion. We did want to stay together, which is were I feel like a failure. He was trying so hard to let me in, but of course there needed to be a therapist involved. I just wish that I had been able to have a conversation about it with him. I know he wants help, but being the child that he is, he needs someone to encourage him. A mutual friend said that he thinks that 'I hate him.' I have not reached out, but still wonder if he needs to hear that I don't hate him and once again try to talk about therapy. He doesn't understand his splitting and emptiness. If I had BPD, I would want someone to tell me. He is so ashamed of all of his failed relationships and how he behaved with me. That's my co-dependance talking, I know.

I just wonder if any one in the world has been in this position and did reach out and be a supportive friend and stable presence for someone with BPD that needs a little push in the right direction?

While it may be possible and maybe even likely he has BPD unless he is officially diagnosed perhaps just kind of change up your approach to I think or I suspect so and so is undiagnosed BPD. The reason why this is important...you do not know for sure and there could be other issues at play or a different disorder entirely. It is always better to err on the side of caution when it pertains to mental health because of the negative stigma that comes with mental health disorders. Just use qualifiers more. The reason why I say this is that we have to be diplomatic on the board here and remain cognizant of all viewers.

"If I had BPD, I would want someone to tell me. He is so ashamed of all of his failed relationships and how he behaved with me. That's my co-dependance talking, I know." - While your intent here is commendable because you are coming from a place of wanting to learn, grow, do better, and improve you have to understand that when you are a friend, family member, or you are an intimate partner
telling the person who may or may not have BPD can be very damaging and do more harm than good. In a perfect world the person may listen and then go seek out help. In the real world...it is more likely to make them shut down and go into deeper despair because then they will feel they are nothing but the label and title.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Good Intentions]

While your intent here is commendable because you are coming from a place of wanting to learn, grow, do better, and improve you have to understand that when you are a friend, family member, or you are an intimate partner, telling the person who may or may not have BPD can be very damaging and do more harm than good. In a perfect world the person may listen and then go seek out help. In the real world...it is more likely to make them shut down and go into deeper despair because then they will feel they are nothing but the label and title.

@SC is spot on as always.

I thought I was doing the "right thing" when I approached my now ex last September (together for 4 years before she ended the relationship a month ago) with the idea that she might have BPD...and even though she was receptive to it in the moment/could seemingly acknowledge that she satisfied 7 of the 9 official criteria and our relationship had too much anecdotal evidence to ignore, I do think it's part of the reason she discarded me.

She received an official diagnosis in December 2021 and committed to DBT beginning in February 2022, so there's some pretty cruel irony in my story involving a pwBPD. From my perspective, we had reasons to be optimistic - I felt like I had really begun to understand the critical elements of being in a r/s with a pwBPD (don't JADE, validate their emotions in whatever way possible, etc.) as I had first suspected her of having BPD back in June 2021, and more importantly she had expressed a desire to face the problem head-on & go through DBT.

But I know I shouldn't try to explain anything regarding my ex's behavior rationally...because it's simply not going to be.