Amicable break up with hope of re-uniting in the future?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I got through yesterday. Bought a new bike and went on an 11 mile ride.

No contact from her, but a few more IG stories such as a really nice looking box of chocolates captioned 'To me, love me'. Quite a transparent one, where it looks like she's bought herself an anniversary present (or it was meant to be mine, and 'look what you could have won').

Pretty sad now that it's the next day. I will have to contact her today as I need to go to the bank to try to close/take over our joint account.

What do you think the next days/weeks are going to look like for me? I'm very anxious of the unknown right now.

[desertsting]

So, I got through yesterday. Bought a new bike and went on an 11 mile ride.

No contact from her, but a few more IG stories such as a really nice looking box of chocolates captioned 'To me, love me'. Quite a transparent one, where it looks like she's bought herself an anniversary present (or it was meant to be mine, and 'look what you could have won').

Pretty sad now that it's the next day. I will have to contact her today as I need to go to the bank to try to close/take over our joint account.

What do you think the next days/weeks are going to look like for me? I'm very anxious of the unknown right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[B53]

Hi Desertsession,
I know you and once removed have a conversation going and I don’t want to interrupt that, but I would like to share a few things.

There is a podcast called from Borderline to Beautiful. The host is a recovering BP. She talks a lot about her Journey. It is a podcast for BPs, but it is insightful for the NBP. There are two podcasts that really helped me understand the BP perspective.

One is called:The FP or favorite person and the other one is
Why is everything always my fault.

When my BP listened to the second one it was a aha moment for him. He has been in therapy and DBT for over six month now. We broke up three months ago, same as you, he walked out and took his stuff. It was the fourth time in six months. I had enough. I have been working on detaching. He contacted me a month ago and asked me to give him another chance because he feels like he has done the work and feels he can be a better partner. I reluctantly agreed. We are doing this slowly. We have been emailing but haven’t seen each other yet. I can’t tell you how scared I am.

I have signed up for a class through Family Connections for family members living with someone with BPD. It hasn’t started yet. I believe it is to give us skills to interact positively. How to talk and respond.

You have a good head on your shoulders, especially for someone so young. Our stories have similarities. Three months ago I was a mess. I now have mostly good days, even before I decided to give it another try.  I think Once Removed has offered me some advice as well as many others. I wasn’t as accepting at first with the advice I was given, but I did listen and everyone here was patient and kind. This is an amazing place. I have been on two other forums, but decided to check this one out since I am now reversing a breakup.

Hang in there! Best of luck,
B53

[once removed]

What do you think the next days/weeks are going to look like for me? I'm very anxious of the unknown right now.

its hard to say.

i think its fair to say you can expect some limbo and uncertainty. i know thats not what you want to hear or look forward to, but it really doesnt have to be a bad thing. ive been in this situation, ive worked with others that have, and when youre in it, it can feel like every second is critical, there are desperate parts of your mind telling you that you must act, desperate parts of your mind telling you you shouldnt act, and the two are at odds and thats not very peaceful 

every second, and every move, are typically just not that critical.

at the same time, 3 weeks, 4 weeks from now, the odds do change. both of you further grieve and come to terms with a breakup. and while that scenario isnt necessarily on your side, it isnt a death sentence either! lots of couples reconcile even months down the road, and often times for the better. ideally, theyve been introspective, theyve grieved the old relationship, and they reconcile with a very different game plan.

as ive said, there are just not a lot of cards to play right now that would be helpful or wise, but at the same time, im not sure you are making the most of the limited opportunities presented to you, which are, effectively, the best (if only) cards you can play.

i want to reiterate, and over reiterate, that you dont want to chase, beg, plead, you dont want to put her on the spot, and you dont want to beat her over the head with how youve "seen the light". none of that would be helpful and more importantly it wouldnt be authentic. but the very subtle thing that would go a very long way is just simply changing your instinctual response in a way that catches her off guard. thats probably what the next few days and weeks look like: some "just business contact", and some "im having a hard time and this is your fault" contact. how you respond to it can make the difference.

in terms of "get her back" style moves? i might reactivate my social media. id wait a day or two after that, and then id post things. i wouldnt be in your face about it, or "im so over you", at all, and if it needs saying, i wouldnt post anything even vaguely having to do with the relationship or the breakup. i would post things like my new bike and my 11 mile ride!

going dark can serve a purpose for a time; someone youre breaking up with will let their mind wander. but eventually, its playing your cards a bit close to your chest. going back to surface can have that same effect when its sincere, but its also productive and healthy. moreover, its attractive.

[desertsting]

Hey B53, thanks for leaving a reply.

Please don't feel like you've interrupted our conversation, I encourage anybody who can offer any insight to also get stuck in. The more information I have, the better.


once removed, there has been further contact between the two of us yesterday, as it was necessary for me to get in touch regarding a bank account.


Hey. I've been to the bank this afternoon and I've filled in a form to change the joint account(s) to sole, as I'd prefer not to move the standing orders around. There are no charges, I just need you to fill in and sign your part.

I had an email from *estate agents* too, asking me for an update. As far as I know, they're waiting for you to sign over the deposit and hand back the keys, but it sounds like they want one of us to cough up £50. I personally think they should **** off.

—-

Ok thanks, will the form be mailed to me?

I’ve already confirmed via email that the deposit can be transferred to you. Keys are still with me as *estate agent* hasn’t responded to two emails from me asking for their office hours (or if they’re working from home etc), if easier I can give them to you? I will only get chance to go on Saturday that’s all.

Well if it’s absolutely necessary to pay it, I’d appreciate if we could split it as I’ve had a lot to buy to make my flat habitable - my half of the deposit came to ***.

—-

*estate agent* is ****. If you want to give them to me, that’s OK - I have the form on me.

I’m happy to split it just to shut them up. Haven’t got time for them playing us off for the sake of a bit of admin.

—-

Ok, I can leave them in the postbox if you want to pop the form in there and I’ll grab it before I post them.

—-

Ok, thanks

It’ll be in there for you tomorrow, if you could sign it for me I’ll take it to bank after that

—-

Ok will try sort it on way to work

And then, just under a couple of hours later:

Hope you are doing okay. I know yesterday [anniversary] wasn’t easy. I want us to be mature and able to be amicable in the future if you get to a place you can be okay with me. I know it’s probably asking a lot but I’m mot expecting it any time soon.

Can I just make one last request, please don’t write any songs about my mental health.

—-

****, I understand and I’m ok, thank you. I’d never not be amicable with you, so you shouldn’t worry about bumping into me, if you were worried.

There will never be a bad word spoken about you in a song.


It sounded like she wanted to see me, when she mentioned handing the keys back to me, but then she backed away when I said that would be OK. I didn't bend over backwards to say yes, but was pretty gutted when she said she'd post the keys instead. She has, this morning, completed the form and posted the keys.

I'm hoping you can see some signs of change in my responses. I am trying to show that I am listening, and not always having to put my point across.

What can you see in yesterday's contact?

Thank you.

[once removed]

my initial impression is that the contact went ideally. it was really a "just business" thing, and thats really awkward, but you stuck to it.

if it were me, this is really a personal style thing and depends a lot on the context of your relationship, but when she gets into the personal stuff eg "please lets be amicable please dont write a song about my mental health", i would keep the warmth, but id be more vague and less direct.

its really hard to put my finger on, but it comes off, to me, as asking you to soothe her, rather than something you need to directly respond to.

i know ive made a huge point about making her feel heard, and not offering tough love, so that could sound contradictory, but i think a lot of her communication has come from a place of "im struggling, make this better for me", and i think theres a balance between being cool and warm, and not doing that.

respond, but avoid the pushes and the pulls.

does that make sense?

[desertsting]

Thank you. Yes, I have decided always to respond to a message in some fashion, as she has made a point of not wanting to be 'ignored'.

I feel slightly more confident in last night's responses from my side than I have in previous days.

Might you be able to offer a hindsight alternative to my final reply to the push/pull message? Just helps me to have examples of better to aspire to.

[desertsting]

P.S. Why did she test the water re: giving the keys to me but then decide to post them?

Nervous about seeing me/getting upset?
Aware she might have taken some actions last week to get reaction/upset me and unsure how I will act with her?

[once removed]

in general, do respond. ignoring can psychologically manipulate a person, but i tend to prefer ethically catching someone off guard   and being sincere and authentic. ignoring can be called for but yall arent in that place. however, i DO encourage taking some time to respond if need be.

im not exactly sure how id have worked this one. its more a general point about reading between the lines of what shes communicating vs directly responding to individual points or soothing her.

i might have tried something along the lines of "come on. ive been an asshole, but im not THAT big of an asshole, right?" or a light hearted joke that suggested id be the opposite of amicable (risky with a sensitive person, but can work). i would single out the sentence about being amicable. i wouldnt respond to the "am i ok" stuff or the song writing. by the way, youre a queens of the stone age guy, arent you?

hone in on the point. be cute. ignore the rest. let her push on the rest if she wants to; you can work with that.

[once removed]

i didnt read much into that offer.

it would seem to me that neither of you want to see each other under those circumstances.

[desertsting]

I am a QOTSA guy, good spot. My identity has been compromised!

You're probably right re: keys. I would love to see her, when she is ready, but it should probably be under better circumstances than 'business'.

I have written a song. It's my therapy. As I said in my message to her, I would never write a song that showed her in a negative light. In fact, I've written a song about her MH in the past, but it was a supportive one.

The song I have written this week, I'm very proud of it and was hoping to share it with my band's followers later this week. I am, also, a little worried about doing so - it will inevitably be seen and heard by her. It's more about our belief in energy and the astrology app we both use to guide us a little.

Horrorscope

I stop in and check each day
on stronger forces out to play
but it's tough to navigate by the stars
when the sky's so grey

Looks like I l’ve landed
on the dark side of the moon
It feels like I’m stranded
on the cold side of the room

It's all here to be enjoyed
but this and that and then we’re all annoyed
enough for the gravity of the remark
to strike like an asteroid

Looks like I l’ve landed
on the dark side of the moon
It feels like I’m stranded
on the cold side of the room

Whether it all aligns
has never mattered less
There has to be a sign

Whether it’s black or white
and there’s another address
It’s gonna be all right

Please let me know whether sharing the song (not the lyrics) is a good/bad idea. It's something I have always done is to write about my experiences and I'm proud of what I do. However, I don't want to rock the boat here, also.

[once removed]

I am a QOTSA guy, good spot. My identity has been compromised!

a desert sessions reference aint gonna make it past me.

You're probably right re: keys. I would love to see her, when she is ready, but it should probably be under better circumstances than 'business'.

its sudden, its final feeling, she can talk all she wants about "closure" but no one wants to go through this. i wouldnt read too much into it, but avoiding it is a better sign than not. like, if she changes her mind tomorrow, she could want to see you, she could be feeling brave or testing herself, it doesnt mean its over, but id probably rather have "yeah im not ready to see you under circumstances where im giving the keys to the place we shared back".

hoping to share it with my band's followers later this week.

i would. i did (my own bands ep that we released on the verge of my breakup)! i dont see anything that would rub her the wrong way, though full disclosure, ive been wrong before. i would think this kind of thing, the bike, the 11 miles, these are precisely the kinds of things you want to reactivate social media with. is it something youd normally share? id do it. you dont have a lot of control over how, if at all, she interprets it. it isnt "im buying myself chocolates on our anniversary cause i love me".

[desertsting]

i would. i did (my own bands ep that we released on the verge of my breakup)! i dont see anything that would rub her the wrong way, though full disclosure, ive been wrong before. i would think this kind of thing, the bike, the 11 miles, these are precisely the kinds of things you want to reactivate social media with. is it something youd normally share? id do it. you dont have a lot of control over how, if at all, she interprets it. it isnt "im buying myself chocolates on our anniversary cause i love me".

Thank you. This is all I needed, and you're right, it's not that. It is a healthy and cathartic part of my life and I'm proud to share it. Hell, I've a feeling she will even like/enjoy the song if she can try not to read into it too much. It's not vague.

[desertsting]

Things definitely seem to have cooled off/calmed down after our recent interactions. Her social media posts have levelled off and don't seem to be so pointed towards me.

We still have a tiny bit of business to sort out, which I will contact her about this evening.

I have approached a new therapist with experience of BPD in order to process this separation in the best way I can. We had a positive consultation this morning and I'M excited to get stuck in.

I guess this is an impossible question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. When might I expect to hear from my pwBPD? With business to sort, we haven't yet managed more than a couple of days without speaking, but now with less and less business to deal with - I'm starting to get anxious about the wait in store and the uncertainty that comes with it.

I'd very much like a chance to just listen to her.

[desertsting]

We’ve had a little more ‘business’ to sort today unfortunately. I needed to start this one.

Hey, sorry to bother you, but been speaking with the landlord, and he’s asking about his sentimental radio, obviously, and his Rug Doctor.

Is it OK if I text your Mum about getting it, or would you prefer to sort it for me?

The sentimental radio was intended as an in joke about our landlord.

Clearly sentimental considering he hasn’t needed it for a year...

I’ll have to sort it as it’s at my brothers now, but I doubt it’s going to fit in my car.

Moments later...

Are you moving out?

Me:

I thought the same, not gonna argue with the guy.

Thank you. I’ve no problem sorting it with **brothers name** either - just let me know.

I haven’t decided yet x

Before replying, she took to social media to show off that she’s ordered a new sofa for her place. It’s a nice sofa, she has good taste. In fact it’s just a nicer version of the one we had.

There was an ‘I’ll let you know’ from her before a ‘Thanks. This is tough on us both’ from me.

She a bit spooked by the idea I might be moving and not just around the corner?

[once removed]

She a bit spooked by the idea I might be moving and not just around the corner?

hard to say. could be. could be making conversation (not a bad thing either).

I guess this is an impossible question, but I'm going to ask it anyway. When might I expect to hear from my pwBPD?

i imagine it will be mostly business for some time, unless she just loses it. that doesnt have to be a bad thing.

i would still suggest now is probably a very good time to both unfollow/not read her social media, and, when/where appropriate, post my own developments. conversation may start to die down, and if youre anything like me, that will affect you, and anything she posts will seem like "oh shes moving on and forgotten all about me". and if youre not, it can still give you some mental space.

[desertsting]

As far as I can tell, we don't have any more business to sort. I suppose this is a good thing.

i would still suggest now is probably a very good time to both unfollow/not read her social media, and, when/where appropriate, post my own developments. conversation may start to die down, and if youre anything like me, that will affect you, and anything she posts will seem like "oh shes moving on and forgotten all about me". and if youre not, it can still give you some mental space.

So it really is just a case of ignoring social media and waiting? I'm very frustrated by the social media stuff. Not really because WHAT she's posting is hurtful, because it isn't, it's quite transparent as 'look how much I don't need you'. But it's the fact that when there is contact between us, she doesn't use the opportunity to be pleasant/heard.

I wish there was a way to get the social media to stop. It's a lot harder than you think not to look.

[once removed]

ive been there ds. i understand entirely how hard it is not to look.

it just took recognizing that it was in my best interest. it took a while. my friends and family would see me lose it for hours on end over just a basic profile picture change - i couldnt even see anything else by that point.

on some level, you want to play the "here is the most attractive version of myself" game (without making it a "game"). psychologically speaking, it causes doubts and second thoughts. if it sounds manipulative, we do the same thing in resumes and job applications, and you should do no more, no less. put your most attractive best foot forward without posting billboards all over the country that say "im so over you sarah marshall".

on some level, shes doing the same thing. shes also in the power position, being the one that initiated a breakup. its very easy to have the same reaction, ten fold, and needlessly. just like im telling you that what she posts doesnt spell the end, likewise, if she were posting here responding to your social media posts, id be telling her the same thing.

its literally only going to serve to confuse you and hurt you when it means little if anything. and its mentally good for you - it gets you out of the small stuff. putting your most attractive, best foot forward isnt something you can fake. you need to be focusing on it and doing it and living it - at a time when its hard - because it shows.

So it really is just a case of ignoring social media and waiting?

if enough time passes, youll need to reach out. i think youre pretty far from that being the case right now.

[desertsting]

With some unexpected business to resolve today, she got a little flustered with trying to sort it - said she was having a bad day. I told her to 'Relax and let me deal with it'. I called the people in question to come to an understanding with them, and asked if she'd like to speak about it after work.

'When would you like to call?'

'Let me just check my rammed schedule... 6 ok?'

I was already chuffed with my calm responses. She let go of the steering wheel and I jumped into the driving seat.

Big moment coming up. I can't wait to hear her voice, but know this is just a small step. It will be nice to open up an avenue of contact other than just short, business texts and the goal is to leave her wanting more.

Any tips?

[desertsting]

OK. Phone call done. It was only 8 minutes, but I knew it needed to be short and sweet.

We sorted the business quite easily, she was complaining about the person she'd been trying to sort it with, and I was able to make light of it, knowing I'd been able to step in and sort it. She insisted on sending the half of the money she owed me while on the phone. I was able to say 'I don't need to check while you're on the phone, I trust you'.

She thanked me 'for sorting it' and I said that's OK and I hoped it had helped with her day. She said it was 'one of those days', I said 'I know the days'.

I asked if she'd been taking the CBD oil tablets I'd got for her and she said she had been, and thanked me for them. We left it there, on 'speak soon'.

It was lovely to hear her voice. In the immediate aftermath of the call I felt I had done well.

She posted a story to Instagram moments later that said 'letting go of a loved one is painful'.

Now I feel sad and unsure about what happened today.

[once removed]

Now I feel sad and unsure about what happened today.

nothing has fundamentally changed.

the things you are reading into, the signs you are looking for, will drive you crazy. shes operating from an entirely different place. men tend to fall into this trap. ive fallen into it myself many times.

i dont mean to suggest you shouldnt play your best cards at every chance you have - you should. but business phone calls where youre a nice guy arent going to move her from where she is (they dont hurt!). and her instagram stories are not going to give you clues about what to do or how to act. in essence, you are getting your own hopes up, and then getting your own hopes down, and fighting with that. shes in a different place, and not looking at this like you are, and expecting her to be is a source of your pain.

i know. thats frustrating to read because youre wondering what else you can do, and the answer, right now is, not a lot. im speaking more to the mental battle youre going through and focusing on. its wasted energy.

what is clear, at this point, is that this is a real break up; not just another case of her running away and then coming back. she has done a lot of grieving. she still has some grieving to do (good), but she is invested in the breakup.

believe me when i say that that is not the worst news in the world, and doesnt spell the end for your chances any more than it did a week ago; as i said, nothing has fundamentally changed. running back to you likely wouldnt have been the best outcome. and it is my strong belief that grieving the old iteration of the relationship is very necessary (for both of you, and you are both doing it at different paces) if a new one is going to happen.

while the two of you are likely to still have this level of contact for a bit, and you still want to play your best cards, it will help to shift your perspective to a bigger picture. this likely will not be "won" in a given encounter/conversation. its probably going to take more time than that.

it would have been different if shed flipped out on you, or something like that, which would have been a clear display that this was more to teach you a lesson and be heard, than a commitment, and there would have been a way to really give her that. that hasnt happened. while it still could, the two of you have kept things pretty amicable, and i sense thats not likely to change (and thats not a bad thing. you really dont want carried over conflict).

you may want to begin to consider a hail mary, and when i say consider, i mean, at this point, only consider. something that communicates a breakup isnt what you want, and youre prepared to offer something very different than before. hail marys mostly dont work, but sometimes they do, and sometimes theyre the only card we can play. i wouldnt do it right now. im not really sure what it would look like - putting it in writing is typically not ideal (sometimes you have no better choice), she doesnt seem keen to get together, and i get the sense from her that right now, it would backfire. but id start to think about what it might look like, and have it in my back pocket.

its all a very tricky balance. the longer a breakup goes, the more invested in it one or both become, and the lesser odds for reconciliation. at the same time, couples get back together months down the road, often the better for waiting and going through that process, and that can yield even greater odds for actual long term success. there can be a statute of limitations, so to speak, and you want to be mindful of that, but you dont want, in general, to make desperate moves.

the long and short of it is that there is still a chance. its just a lot less likely to come from any one encounter, and its less likely to happen tomorrow or the next day, and it will help a lot to shift your perspective/hopes from the day to day, conversation to conversation mentality and play the longer game. it will also help to have a hail mary in your back pocket, and start to think about what that will look like, in case this starts to reach the point of no return.

[desertsting]

Thank you. What does the point of no return start to look like?

Interestingly, 'the app' says today: 'One of your relationships is reaching a point of no return, and it's hard for you to get close. Express how you feel. Let someone take things slow'.

I was going to drop the song today.

if shed flipped out on you, or something like that, which would have been a clear display that this was more to teach you a lesson and be heard, than a commitment, and there would have been a way to really give her that.

What do you mean by 'there would have been a way to really give her that'? Thanks.

[desertsting]

Lastly, regards the song - there's a chance there could be some 'flip out' from it. I kinda need a response, or attitude ready to go in this event.

[once removed]

if you have some apprehension about dropping the song, i might hold off a couple of days. i know i said otherwise previously. but look at it this way: dropping the song is very unlikely to have her messaging you begging to get back together, right? so, im not saying dont do it; i am saying if you feel unsure or unready, hold off. if not, go for it.

What do you mean by 'there would have been a way to really give her that'?

i was talking about, she lays into you, you never listened, you dont even care, go  so and so, i gave so much and you gave nothing, i hate you...that kind of thing, and in that scenario, you just listen and take it all in. she has made clear shes struggling with the breakup, which is not a bad sign at all, but also to be expected.

What does the point of no return start to look like?

i dont know in this case, but i dont think youre there, and it could, realistically, be a long ways away.

[desertsting]

i was talking about, she lays into you, you never listened, you dont even care, go  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) so and so, i gave so much and you gave nothing, i hate you...that kind of thing, and in that scenario, you just listen and take it all in. she has made clear shes struggling with the breakup, which is not a bad sign at all, but also to be expected.

I get the sense that this is still to come. Recall, we haven't actually spoken AT ALL about what has happened since the day she decided to move out. Last week she was mentioning 'closure' and we definitely haven't had anything close to that, while sorting business.

I get the feeling, at the moment, that you're right and we are both grieving the end of our old relationship. I can't know how she's feeling, but it seems to be affecting us both hugely yet we are responding differently. She seems, at the moment, to still be pushing buttons to 'see if I still care'. Of course, I am trying to appear as neutrally as I can until the opportunity is laid out - either by her 'flipping out' or asking to talk, on a particularly bad day for her.

A positive I'm taking from the phone call, is that I got her on the phone at all. It has been various levels of emotional/angry/short texts for the last 3 weeks, so to break down a barrier and open up the phone as a means of communicating can be seen as something?

[once removed]

i think thats a reasonable read on it all.

I get the sense that this is still to come.

it could, for sure. if it does, trust that making things better, fixing it, is not the ideal response. its okay to say that youve heard it and need/take time to reflect.

She seems, at the moment, to still be pushing buttons to 'see if I still care'.

she has done so, for sure. it is difficult to tell to what extent it has been a case of bpdish bad boundaries/dependency/need for someone else to make it better, to what extent its a normal tendency we are all subject to (i dont have bpd and i have been the king of this in my life), and to what extent its buyers remorse.

it could be all of the above. the point is really to see things for what they are, and not get caught up on any one thing.

so to break down a barrier and open up the phone as a means of communicating can be seen as something?

this is sort of what i mean. i could flip it around to say that the more she works through it, the less painful it is to interact with you; id have no trouble interacting with my ex today. im not saying that. im saying the perspective can miss the big picture and be self exhausting, misleading, and defeating.

[desertsting]

Some thoughts on a potential 'hail mary' for me.

I get the understanding from your earlier messages that we are grieving the old, a necessary step in order to move forward either separately or with something new.

With that in mind, and my above mentioned uncertainty about 'closure' etc. This is slightly at odds with your mention of 'something that makes it clear that a break up is not what you want' - but does include the line 'At that point, I realised you didn’t want to be here, or with me, anymore' which re-affirms it's her choice, not mine.

I'm finding it very difficult to focus on myself and 'move forward' with so many things unspoken.

Is there a good time to send a message along the lines of the following? I accept there has to be some break in-between the current business conversations before I would send something like this.

Hey. I’m wondering if you might feel comfortable meeting to talk. I was thinking about what you said about closure, and to be honest, I agree. We’ve done all the business, and it’s sucked, but we haven’t spoken since we argued and there’s so much left up in the air.

Like you said, you were thinking of going through with this a few times, and it didn’t feel much different to me until I got the email from *letting agent**. At that point, I realised you didn’t want to be here, or with me, anymore. But from that point on, it’s all been business at 100mph and I feel confused, and upset. You can help me with that.

I’m not seeking an opportunity to change your mind. I’m soul-searching, and I can’t move forward until I know what I did wrong, or what I could have done better, for my future. All I’m asking for is the opportunity to listen, most importantly, when you feel ready.

[once removed]

i definitely would not act yet. id just consider, and think about it for now.

i would say a lot less, if your goal behind the message is to meet up. i especially wouldnt say its something that she can help you with. i wouldnt say things like "i cant move forward until i know what i did wrong" - even if she wanted to go down that road once face to face, any woman will read that and say "i told him so many times, he still doesnt get it, he will never get it."

you also are, potentially, seeking an opportunity to change her mind, right? the note sounds more like you just want one final conversation to clear things up so you can "move on".

[desertsting]

A positive weekend I think, and a little switching of roles I would say.

I had a great weekend. I released the song, went for a 17mi bike ride, managed a food shop, cooked for myself, re-appeared on social media with a funny clip and posted about my achievements.

On the other hand, my partner went much quieter on social media - not posting anything that could be specifically aimed at me. Tweets suggested she had quite a down weekend, and stayed in for most/all of it. She did post a picture suggesting she is reading a book about attachment styles, a nice sign that she is taking working on herself quite seriously.

Overall, whereas she has appeared (deliberately I guess) to be the one in control of the situation for the last couple of weekends, it seems like this week, things have shifted a little in this regard. She is definitely feeling lonely.

She did text on Saturday as her brother brought back something belonging to our landlord. She addressed me by name in the text, which was odd, and the overall tone suggested she was in a bad mood with me. I was out riding at the time so it took me 3 hours to respond. I didn't get much back.

There is another item she has to return, that I didn't even realise she had. She has said she will 'get it to me when she can'. She's only around the corner.

[desertsting]

Her social media has gone very quiet, other than a couple of hints that she is investing in some personal growth. Mine is moving the opposite way, and I am posting about things that make me happy in the healthiest way I know how.

Her message on Saturday was very grumpy and formal. I am guessing this could've been down to me putting the song out on Friday.

We haven't spoken since then - yet there is still an item of my landlord's that I need returning. I didn't even know she had this item. I wonder almost if she took some of these things either to give me avenues to get in touch, or to keep one hand of control on the situation ('If I have X of landlord's, he has to come to me for it before he can return it and move out). She left it at 'when I get a chance' - but I know her work schedule and her work/flat are both just around the corner from me.

I am happy that her social media has calmed down somewhat, but I am not sure how to proceed with getting landlord's possession back. Though not urgent, he is waiting on me.

[desertsting]

Further developments.

Had a message from her this morning, seeming much nicer, asking about a hard drive of hers with some files on it.

After I confirmed that I still had it, and asked when she'd like to get it, she again resorted to 'just leave it by the postboxes' and 'maybe I'll grab it tomorrow after work'.

I find this a bit daft. I'm not going to bite. Given I still need the item of my landlord's I said 'If you'd be able to bring the radio tonight after work, then you can grab it then?'

'Ok I've got a therapy session after work so will have to be after that'.

I then went down to the postboxes, and discovered she'd been in this morning and posted back 2 CDs that I gave her as gifts. They were of my music and the #1 copies. I'm quite hurt by this but likely this is more 'acting out'.

I'm undecided how to move forward with today. On the one hand, I would quite like to see her, so figured I wouldn't leave the hard drive on the postboxes and will just go down when she returns the radio. I could then 'discover' the returned CDs in front of her.

Please advise. Thank you.