Amicable break up with hope of re-uniting in the future?

[desertsting]

Didn't go quite as I hoped, didn't get to see her.

Essentially, she got here and out as fast as she could to drop off the landlord's radio. She didn't wait for me to bring down the items of hers I had to give her.

I was on the phone when she text:

'Is it downstairs? I can pop now'
'Have you seen my black gloves anywhere by the way? I'll pop it round now and leave it downstairs as I need to get back'

'Hold on, I'm on the phone sorry'
'Having a look'

'Don't worry I'm nearly there'
'Not urgent'

'I'll pop down to the door, your stuff's not down there yet, I wasn't expecting you so soon'

'None of it's urgent so I can swing by another day'
'Radio is below your mailbox'

I walked downstairs at this point with her stuff, to see if she was still there.

'Nothing to worry about'
'You home already?'

'No walking now'

'Turn around then :')'

'I need to get back as someone's picking a sofa up soon'
'I pass it every day I can grab it on way to/from work'
'I'd have waited a few minutes, I just don't have the head space to see you, sorry'

'Ok, I hear you'

---

Apologies if hard to follow. Essentially, I thought it daft that we continue to leave things for the other at the mailbox every few days. I feel no anxiety about seeing her, but clearly, her anxiety to see me is extremely high.

I didn't push the issue, other than 'turn around then' - but that was essentially me making a joke of the situation unfolding that I had missed her by seconds and she could not be more than 30 seconds away.

The moment she mentioned not having the headspace, I changed course.

She's since Tweeted about being heartbroken about her last (free) therapy appointment coming to an end and that she enjoyed working with said therapist.

And an Instagram story of her newly delivered sofa, with my favourite band playing in the background.

I'm happy with how I dealt with today. I tried to stay cool, calm, collected and believe I managed it.

Very confusing signs. Not sure what to make of the fact she seemed totally unable to face me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Not sure what to make of the fact she seemed totally unable to face me.

it is hard to say.

i dont read it as a bad thing. difficult feelings are better than none, right? while on some level youre eager to see her, for obvious reasons, if she had no trouble doing so, that wouldnt be great.

its hard to make much of the situation in general, and i also dont sense anything has fundamentally changed.

my gut tends to think its still best to hold off on any hail marys. what do you think?

[desertsting]

We met!

It was bloody hard, but I stayed calm and collected.

We swapped what SHOULD be the last of the items to be swapped - hopefully the last 'business'. She said she'd not been leaving things on purpose to bother me. I said she hadn't bothered me. Then we got a little deeper.

I asked 'Are you OK, really?'. She said she was having good days and bad days, and had been upset the night before having finished the last of her free therapy sessions. She said she could potentially afford more but is going to see how she goes.

I told her that I was able to listen, when she felt ready to talk. She at first said 'I'm not sure what there is to talk about, I feel that things came to their natural end after what you'll agree was a rubbish Christmas period' and re-iterated her belief that I would feel there was some inevitability about it.

I said that, what's happened in the past doesn't matter now, and that if/when she understood her feelings in the present better, that I am willing to listen. She took this in (more later).

I wasn't intending to, but I apologised for the way I spoke to her in that last weekend (that I had tried to point out all of my efforts to help her, and told her to get her stuff and F off). She said she wasn't holding me to any of that.

I said 'I think I thought I understood you better than anyone, but perhaps I never will, but that's OK too'.

She mentioned the impact of me not looking after her when she was ill with COVID, mid December. So, it's clear she is yet to recognise the effect that 'I don't love you anymore' had on me and my security. I will get the chance to say this, but no rush.

I gave her a big hug.

It was hard to know when to wrap up, but we did, and I went upstairs and began to cry immediately. I think she must have done the same as moments later, I received the following text:

Do you think we'll ever be able to be friends?

Sorry, just needed to gather my thoughts - really emotional moment for us both. You know how much I care.

That's okay, yeah it was hard but I'm glad we spoke.

If you ever wanna go for a walk and a smoke / talk - not expecting that any time soon but I'd hope we can get to that place one day.

I'm glad we spoke too.

That sounds nice, but just wanna say again, when you're ready x

---

This is how it's been left. It was nice to see her again, and I was able to stay calm and in control of myself. It was hard not to say a few things, but for the first time in a month, her guard came down slightly compared to the texts/social media stuff of late.

I'm glad she's offered the potential for a walk/talk. I'm thinking of waiting 2 weeks, and reaching out BEFORE Valentine's Day. It will be a difficult day, and the idea of a positive meeting beforehand (12th/13th) could well take the edge off things somewhat.

She's definitely still using a lot of past tense/grieving language at the moment. But I'm OK with that, as the past needs to be left there.

Now, my focus is on being able to have a productive walk/talk in the next couple of weeks.

What do you think?

[desertsting]

OK, I will split the next few messages as there has been quite a lot going on.

Friday - the night after we first saw each other, she text me late on that she was struggling and asking if I had a number for weed. I didn't have one I was comfortable giving her (safety) but had been to pick some up in the moments before she text. I told her that she could have some of mine, just needed to ask. She seemed a little reluctant, but eventually agreed after the re-assurance that I'd 'seen her upset before'.

We met outside shortly after. She was definitely upset, and said she felt empty 'detached', and was having a hard week. This was my first opportunity to put my empathy and listening into practice, and I did OK. She said she felt 'triggered' watching me 'get on with my life' and 'improve myself' after so many times of her asking me to. I told her that I was just doing the best I could with what I had at the moment, that I was sad, confused, and anxious about the future and trying to better my situation as much as I could. I joked that I am a man, and that she 'definitely wasn't clear enough' when asking for what she wanted. She laughed.

I told her that I was learning to be a better listener, and that I hoped she could see that I'm here and listening, and to text me the next time her frustrations arise. We lightened up a little after this. I asked if she felt better to which she said 'yes'. I told her I was glad to have been able to put her at ease.

I offered to walk her home, to which she accepted. I offered my arm, she accepted. We had a hug at her door, and she immediately text me 'thank you'.

I felt amazing after this encounter.

[desertsting]

Saturday

I waited until the next morning to watch a TV series she'd recommended the night before, to text about it. There was a little light-hearted back and forth, before I tried to be flirty and it didn't seem to land. That was OK.

I checked in later on to make sure she was OK. She'd had a better day. She opened up a bit more:

I appreciate that, and how you’re being with me. So, thank you for being supportive even when you’re hurt.

Obviously I’m quite confused about how I feel, as I’m the one who walked away but it’s still hard for me for a lot of reasons.

We have a lot of good memories (along with the not so good) and although I know it’s the right thing for me to have done, those times still flood my mind quite often.

You don’t need to apologise x

The regret thing was around feeling upset to see you try to improve yourself after I’ve left but I can understand why. Fresh start etc.

I re-iterated that it wasn't a fresh start, and that I was doing the best I could each day.

[desertsting]

Sunday

She text a link to this article first thing in the morning: https://medium.com/borderline-personalities/surviving-breakups-when-you-have-bpd-c101b231026a

I don’t want to make this all about how I feel, because I know it’s hard on you too - but this reads like I’ve written it (if I had the insight on how to feel better). You asked why I’m struggling, I find it hard to articulate how or why I am, this is why I guess.

Are you ok?

I’m sorry, I don’t know how to deal with this, whether we should be in contact or not. I just don’t feel like anyone understands. I’m really sorry.

Thank you for sending that, I was reading and thinking about it.

I understand that there are other, extra emotions in all of this. They’re part of who you are, and all valid. I know they don’t define you, either.

I get that sometimes you don’t want to articulate, or can’t. Don’t apologise.

Maybe it’s better if we don’t talk. I don’t know, I just feel really guilty and I can’t cope at all. I’m so up and down.

Please stop apologising. I’m a grown man, I make my own decisions x

---

I felt this reply of mine came across a little short. She didn't reply, so I checked in later. She opened up much more then, mentioning a 'BPD care package' that a friend had brought her and sending a photo of it, as well as some other chit chat.

Think she’s like me with how self aware she is but sounds like it does impact her relationship - she always jokes she doesn’t know how James puts up with her and she does the exact same stuff I do (worry about cheating, checks who’s liking his photos etc) he sounds pretty laid back with her tbh but I know it’s not easy.
She’s had a really PLEASE READing hard life though, her childhood trauma is insane bless her. She’s such a lovely soul.

I think it’s really good you’ve got somebody to talk about it with. It’s a learning curve for everyone involved, sufferers and partners, every day. Has she had any luck with help for it?

I'm sorry you've had to be part of it

I'm not

I feel like it was just amplified in the past couple of years and feeling insecure nd unhappy about myself / us has taken its toll. As you say it’s all a learning curve...

Thank you, I know I’m not it’s just hard, and sad that we’ve ended up here

I know, and I made some of it about me, when it never was. Don’t be sad, we’re where we are right now, and the past is nothing but lessons.

---

She thanked me for the extra joint I'd rolled for her on Friday night. I said I was intrigued by the edibles inside the BPD care package and she asked if I'd like to try one. More on that later.

After a little more back and forth, I DID manage to land a small bit of flirting this time.

[desertsting]

Monday

She messaged first thing about having a cough, and if I had any medicine left over, could I put it downstairs for her to grab on her way to work. I did.

After work, we caught up a little more. She seemed reflective, talking about mornings at the start of lockdown where she'd lay in the sun in the window of our flat. A little bit more on the flat and she asked again 'are you going to move?' - I said 'Not right away, I'll probably enjoy some of Spring. When I know where I want to be, I'll move'.

I'm sad it's not what we both wanted from it

I asked if she was ok.

Honestly?

Always

I’m not doing well at all but I’m trying my best

That is all anybody can ask of you. I always want you to be honest. I feel like I’ve seen a different side to you the last few days.

How so?

You have been vulnerable in a way that I don’t recall. Trusted in me, despite your uncertainty, and allowed me to feel I made a difference by doing relatively, very little. Been braver than I’ve ever seen you, in trying to work out where and why you are where you are today.

Guess it’s hard to be vulnerable with someone when you already feel in a difficult place with them. You know I put up walls, not on purpose...but I feel really alone and misunderstood at the moment and I appreciate you listening and trying to comfort me even though I don’t feel I deserve it

Being on the defensive or in a state of fight or flight because of arguments and feeling like we’d drifted apart probably made it hard to open up. But I guess stepping back from it all gives a bit of clarity.

Having to face my own problems and emptiness hasn’t been easy. I keep wondering if I’ll ever be okay, and that’s scary.

Of course, but you’re managing to, and I’m trying to make it easier. You know I am listening, and that you’re not alone. When I said ‘I can make my own decisions’, what I meant was, ‘it is a choice’. By that logic, you deserve everything you have.

You’re opening up now, and that’s good enough for me, and you’re bang on with clarity.

I understand that. But you are facing it, and you’re doing well. You might feel empty, but you’re not. You’re full of many amazing things.

I feel pretty heartbroken

I just want to go a day without crying or regretting things, or just being terrified of the future. I’m trying to just live in the present but I can’t.

One day at a time. Learn from the past, tend to the present, and the future WILL take care of itself. On the flip side...

It might also be helpful for me to admit, that I can say that as much as i want, but it doesn’t mean I don’t regret things every day, or be scared about the future.

I don’t particularly want to but I should probably go to bed

---

I then asked how her weekend was looking. She said not much planned. I said 'trying out those edibles on Saturday at 4, if you will want to'.

She agreed, so we had a date set.

[desertsting]

Wednesday

After a couple of days not hearing from her, she text yesterday while I was at work.

Hey, I’ve been prescribed antibiotics as I’ve got a pretty chesty cough and been feeling rubbish. Bit reluctant to take them really as they always make me feel worse before I feel better...soo will let you know how I’m doing towards the end of the week

Hey. Ok, I'm sorry to hear that. How are you doing?

There was a little back and forth, nothing interesting.

---

Thursday

Hey. I’m off sick today so maybe best if we do Saturday another time, don’t wanna give you anything.

No worries, hope you feel better soon

Thank you

---

So... After one month of business, and not talking about anything personal, we made some real breakthroughs this last weekend, being able to talk to each other in person and her opening up to me in texts. I set a 'date' for this weekend and was going to go round to her new place for the first time.

She's since 'cancelled' it, which has left me feeling pretty gutted. But I do believe that she's ill, and I can understand her not wanting me to see her when she is. I also appreciate that she let me know Weds/Thurs rather than waiting until tomorrow night or the day itself.

---

What do you think of the progress we've made? Where do you think her head is at? Do you think she will be in touch to reschedule our 'date'?

I feel positive about the fact she's been opening up, but less certain of where we're at now.

[once removed]

I’m sorry I shouldn’t be doing this. You shouldn’t need to try to make me feel better

shes 100% right. this is loud and clear. heeding this is listening with empathy.

do not put yourself in that role.

i rarely use the term "friend zone", for a variety of reasons, but you risk putting yourself there, when youre trying to be her boyfriend.

what shes telling you is that shes leaning on you, as a friend, to get her through the breakup, and she (rightfully) feels guilty, and simultaneously conflicted about that (its not the role youre "supposed" to play). you are inadvertently signaling that youre happy to do it.

why do you want to avoid this most of all? because it soothes her grief and eases her transition. that transition (for anyone going through a breakup) typically looks like going from romantic partners, to the comfort of knowing that person is there if you need them, and then detachment, and then the person is someone you used to know.

lets walk it through.

I apologised for the way I spoke to her in that last weekend (that I had tried to point out all of my efforts to help her, and told her to get her stuff and F off).

good.

She mentioned the impact of me not looking after her when she was ill with COVID, mid December. So, it's clear she is yet to recognise the effect that 'I don't love you anymore' had on me and my security. I will get the chance to say this, but no rush.

generally good. it probably wasnt the time to correct her narrative, or impose yours on hers. let her say "hintity hint hint, ____ hurt".

Do you think we'll ever be able to be friends?

Sorry, just needed to gather my thoughts - really emotional moment for us both. You know how much I care.

nicely done. its very wise not to give a direct answer to that question.

She said she felt 'triggered' watching me 'get on with my life' and 'improve myself' after so many times of her asking me to. I told her that I was just doing the best I could with what I had at the moment, that I was sad, confused, and anxious about the future and trying to better my situation as much as I could. I joked that I am a man, and that she 'definitely wasn't clear enough' when asking for what she wanted. She laughed.

this was okay. shes literally telegraphing for you that its having an effect. i dont want to overstate it, yours was a pretty neutral and reasonable response, but i would avoid any language that sounds like reassuring her or apologizing. id be vague; it reinforces the effect. dont do too much explaining.

I waited until the next morning to watch a TV series she'd recommended the night before, to text about it.

maybe nitpicking here, being in touch in a lighthearted and upbeat way is a strong move, but if you have a nice moment, like where youre walking arm in arm, hugging, etc, consider waiting longer, and seeing if she makes the first move.

I checked in later on to make sure she was OK.

dont do this, especially, at least not explicitely. an ex romantic partner, especially one that doesnt want to be an ex romantic partner, ought not put themselves in the position of helping that person heal from the breakup.

They’re part of who you are, and all valid. I know they don’t define you, either.

I get that sometimes you don’t want to articulate, or can’t. Don’t apologise.

im going to encourage you to kill off this kind of language, entirely.

as gently as i can put it, you sound like her therapist. this is the single biggest mistake people make when theyre learning the tools. they talk to the other person like they are 5 years old. telling someone they, or part of them, is valid, is not validation, its condescension.

i once read a member here, on the receiving end of a breakup, telling their ex partner that "you MATTER. your thoughts MATTER". what grown adult needs to be told that?

She didn't reply, so I checked in later.

dont chase.

You have been vulnerable in a way that I don’t recall. Trusted in me, despite your uncertainty, and allowed me to feel I made a difference by doing relatively, very little. Been braver than I’ve ever seen you, in trying to work out where and why you are where you are today.

Of course, but you’re managing to, and I’m trying to make it easier. You know I am listening, and that you’re not alone. When I said ‘I can make my own decisions’, what I meant was, ‘it is a choice’. By that logic, you deserve everything you have.

You’re opening up now, and that’s good enough for me, and you’re bang on with clarity.

I understand that. But you are facing it, and you’re doing well. You might feel empty, but you’re not. You’re full of many amazing things.

this is another example. think about it. how would you feel if someone spoke to you this way?

this is the sort of stuff she needs to hear from friends she might be texting to lean on. girl, youre amazing, girl he never listened, girl youre doing so good, girl youve got this, girl youre better than him, you dont need him, etc.

youre the guy she just dumped, youre chest deep in pain and anxiety, youre trying to be her boyfriend again; you arent trying to make this easier for her.

She messaged first thing about having a cough, and if I had any medicine left over, could I put it downstairs for her to grab on her way to work. I did.

i really dont want to overstate it: helping a recent ex with some weed, some medicine, not a big deal. i know shes laid into you about not being there when she was sick.

big picture, be careful. you are putting yourself in a position where youre the guy that offers her comforting words to get through her breakup, youre there if she needs something, and put it downstairs for me so we dont even have to deal with formalities. its just not a position you want to be in say, two months from now, or probably even a week from now.

I feel pretty heartbroken

I just want to go a day without crying or regretting things, or just being terrified of the future. I’m trying to just live in the present but I can’t.

getting a little more constructive, and less "dont do that", listening with empathy is about listening...not necessarily offering words of encouragement or soothing, but the skill of actively listening, and believe me, that ties in with what to avoid. youre doing more of the former where you can do a lot more of the latter, and youre complicating things for yourself in the process.

one of the simplest ways to make another person feel heard is just to ask questions. this would have been the perfect opportunity. shes telling you that shes having regrets and fears and doubts about the breakup.

this is one of my favorite resources on the matter: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

learn from it; dont recite it.

What do you think of the progress we've made? Where do you think her head is at? Do you think she will be in touch to reschedule our 'date'?

I feel positive about the fact she's been opening up, but less certain of where we're at now.

while im offering a lot of criticism, it is not my sense that youve killed your chances, and i may be overstating some specific incidents to get the big picture across and the risks of it.

1. you dont want to be her therapist or her friend or get her through her breakup or her bpd
2. opening up to you, right now, is not necessarily the best thing, at least not in this form.
3. opening up to you, in terms of your relationship, is mainly an opportunity to ask questions and learn, less one to reassure her or make her feel better.
4. id cut back on the reaching out. its somewhere between 60-40 and 70-30 lately, you initiating, and id want it to be the opposite. let her do at least more than half of the reaching out. if she doesnt reply, dont follow up.
5. if she called off the get together, i dont care if shes hospitalized with a deathly illness, id pull back pretty hard. id wait at least a few days and see if she initiates (at that point it might, at most, be worth sending some version of "get better"), and i would under no circumstances mention getting together.
6. keep up the social media posting. not too showy, but carrying on with life, onward and upward.

[desertsting]

Thank you, sir. Some more big developments last night.

I want to be honest with you, I can't stop thinking about everything between us, and I really wanted you to come over on Saturday. But it's not right and going to get us back to square one, and maybe the only way I'm going to get over things is if we're not in touch. It's not what I want at all and I want us to be okay with each other, but I am really having a hard time with it all.

You seem okay, and that's really good, but I'm not.

I'll admit I've been checking your socials, I've been thinking about deleting all my apps. Just really not in a good place x

Thank you for being honest with me, and I understand you being really unsure of what's right or wrong at the moment.

I'm interested in what you're thinking about, and looking forward to the chance for you to tell me more. I also appreciated you telling me how ill you were feeling with so much notice, too. We can re-arrange when you feel better, if you change your mind.

What seems to be is not always what is. What are you having a hard time with?

I just miss you. I miss the better times. I've been mainly wondering why it didn't work, why everything was so good at the beginning. Wondering what you're doing or who you're talking to, how you're feeling.

I feel like I'm leaning on you and I shouldn't be, but you're the only person who understands - or more importantly you're the only person I want to understand. But I suppose that's my attachment to you and you being my favourite person for so long.

I still want to see you on Saturday, but I feel like that's wrong and I don't want to do any more damage.

I miss you too, you can rest assured. We have had the best times. And I wonder the same things. I feel I've learned more about you in this week, than in many more before that. It sounds like you understand yourself a little better too.

If you feel better, you can let me know. I feel very confident that no damage will be done.

Ok, I will. I'm going to get an early night as I didn't sleep well. Thank you, Night xx

---

Some real openness and perhaps some signs she is unsure of the break-up, the reasons for it, and and acknowledgement that she's missing me. Even some good self awareness re 'favourite person'.

[once removed]

I want to be honest with you, I can't stop thinking about everything between us, and I really wanted you to come over on Saturday. But it's not right and going to get us back to square one, and maybe the only way I'm going to get over things is if we're not in touch. It's not what I want at all and I want us to be okay with each other, but I am really having a hard time with it all.

You seem okay, and that's really good, but I'm not.

you may want to be a little more explicit about not wanting to break up.

shes expressing regret over it, and willingness (along with hesitancy) to see you.

this reads a whole lot like: "im not sure i want this breakup, but you seem fine with it, and if thats the case, maybe i need to cut things off for a while to heal, you tell me".

i could be wrong, and you dont want to stick your neck too far out, but ive mentioned it before. its really not clear to me that she knows you do not want to break up, and that you want to get back together. it is in your interest not to chase, but for her to know that.

I just miss you. I miss the better times. I've been mainly wondering why it didn't work, why everything was so good at the beginning. Wondering what you're doing or who you're talking to, how you're feeling.

I feel like I'm leaning on you and I shouldn't be, but you're the only person who understands - or more importantly you're the only person I want to understand. But I suppose that's my attachment to you and you being my favourite person for so long.

I still want to see you on Saturday, but I feel like that's wrong and I don't want to do any more damage.

this is a bit of a mixed message in comparison to the other. that she is conflicted and regretful is obvious. that she would get back in a relationship is not. as ive said, that she is hinting that she wants you to respond differently (not let her lean on you as a friend) is.

that may be complicated by the possibility that its not clear to her that you want to get back together so she could be hedging a bit in her messages.

[desertsting]

I’m sad to be back year after a really promising start to last year. After a period of a month, where she moved out and played lots of games over social media and with regards to swapping possessions etc. – once the business side of things were cleared up, she began to reach out and open up, just as predicted and documented in the first part of this thread.

I was able to deploy my newly gained listening skills and empathy to have her open up to me, and she began to trust me a lot more with this. We were able to move past elements of the previous relationship and re-united on much better terms. We started to use our time together better, spending time on bike rides and getting out into nature a little more, as we did at the very start.

We definitely enjoyed a second ‘honeymoon phase’ of around 4-5 months. While this was a really nice experience, I realise now that it was potentially dangerous and prevented us solidifying lasting change, which may have contributed to our current situation.

Despite things getting back on track, and an increase in trust and communication between us, we remained living separately. This had its pros and cons. It allowed us to miss one another when not seeing each other, and enjoy our own time and space – something that is important to me. On the other hand, for me at least, it felt like a ‘downgrade’ from our previous spell of living together for nearly three years.

I moved into a new house, one that I will admit I chose because of its size, under the hope that we may re-unite there after some time. It was clear that she was impressed by me taking on a new house, and making it look nice and welcoming. However, as time went on, it became clear that she was not willing to re-locate there with me. This definitely frustrated me, as it meant that while seeing her I did not feel ‘at home’ and when at home, my home was missing her presence.

Her reasons for not wanting to re-locate were that she is happy in her current location, close to the city centre, if not madly in love with her flat – and that I am still yet to demonstrate a suitable increase in overall cleanliness, tidiness and financial management. I acknowledge this.

Throughout summer, while our relationship was not in trouble, I started to become aware of elements of myself that I was unhappy with. I was stressed at work, and began to realise that I was no longer happy in my profession. I was then made redundant, which was obviously hugely stressful. During this time, I made steps to enroll on a degree level course in an area where my passion lies. I am pleased to say I was accepted and will be starting this soon. It will take hard work, but I am confident that I am ready to take this on and it will help me with my ‘purpose’ in life.

This whole period was difficult for me. I began to be less sure of myself and my direction, I was without an income, and my weekend binge-drinking led me to a couple of regrettable incidents that made me seriously look at myself. I did not cheat on her, or anything of that nature, but I was disappointed with my behaviour. I didn’t feel able to share these incidents as I felt they would have caused more damage than good, though this weighed on my conscience.
To take the positives from this time, my pwBPD was able to support me financially and emotionally during this time. Although, it took me longer to regain my balance and begin to move forward again than I would have liked, and I believe this may have negatively affected our relationship.


For the last few months of last year, things between us slowly began to creep towards our old ways, frustrations not expressed well and left to fester, nagging by both of us, and a return to some of her more pessimistic feelings of ‘I’m not happy’ and ‘Maybe this isn’t working out’. I made clear that I accepted that a lot of this may be on me, my current struggles, and that I was working hard to get myself into a better place in order for us to succeed again.

The holidays passed with no major fall-outs (unlike last year), but a general feeling of apathy and that things weren’t as good as they could be. I bought us a Christmas holiday but travel restrictions put pay to that, which was frustrating. We spent our anniversary together in mid January and she bought me a lovely and expensive gift. However, on the evening we had an unfortunate falling out.

[desertsting]

The next day, while I was at work, she texted me:

I’m sorry for what happened yesterday and I’m really sad about it. I don’t want to keep doing this and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I want to be happy and I want you to be too but I don’t feel like we can consistently do that together - I feel guilty for dragging you down too, when I know it’s not working even though we’ve tried