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Author Topic: When is it right to date again?  (Read 426 times)
khibomsis
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« on: January 11, 2021, 10:23:42 PM »

Well, beloved with BPD and I are splitting up. It is a totally sane decision, after having spent many months in her city I have to return to mine. My job was never portable and we knew that from the beginning.  She doesn't feel able to migrate, and indeed the more I learn about BPD the more I understand just how stressful moving would be. I for sure need her not to stress because that way lies dysregulation.
 I will still be hanging around the bettering board because  we remain friends and business partners.
I am in no hurry to date,  too scared to until I am confident the co- dependency is under control.    But in the spirit of resisting the love bombing it would be nice to think about it. I hear the rule is one month for every year, but does one get time off for good behaviour? With LDR I have spent at least 50 % of my time alone.  So what do you think? When can I in good conscience start enjoying the eyecandy?
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B53
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« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2021, 10:48:45 AM »

K,
I don’t think there are any time rules that apply. When you feel that you are no longer holding onto to negative emotions and unresolved issues and that you have come to terms with the part that you played in your past relationship, positive or negative, then you are probably ready. It’s impossible to not bring some baggage with us to new relationships, just make sure it’s a small carryon and not a steamer trunk.
Best of luck!
B53
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khibomsis
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2021, 02:32:41 PM »

Lol B53 at the steamer trunk Smiling (click to insert in post) indeed I am good for no one right now, mine is like yours, in therapy, doing all the work and really trying to get well. It would be easier in a way if I could think badly of her.  Thanks for reminding me that dating again is about what we bring to the relationship. Will get to packing and sorting and hopefully discarding mountains of trash.
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2021, 08:58:28 PM »

Hi khibomsis,

I think it’s different for everyone. If you’re emotionally wounded and you’re dating you could be exposing yourself to someone that may have a personality disorder and would you want to go through that again? I don’t think that there’s a set time but if you feel like meeting different people just to make new friends and test to see if you’re ready for it then there’s nothing wrong with that either. As long as you know what you want the outcome to be.
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« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2021, 01:09:25 AM »

hi khibomsis,

i moved your thread here, particularly as it pertained to the question of dating again. i do encourage you to continue to post on Bettering when it comes to interacting directly with your pwbpd.

the three pieces of advice i have to offer are:

1. fully and completely grieve the relationship before entering into any serious level of dating. for me, personally, i tend to need to do that before taking any steps, but thats not true for everyone.
2. be really clear about why you are dating (is it your norm, is it loneliness, is it experimental), how much you are investing in it (whether its casual, serious, dating multiple people, etc), and what your goals are.
3. learn the lessons from the relationship that you want to take into future ones
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
khibomsis
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2021, 04:04:47 PM »

Dear OR, thank you for moving my thread!  Dear Mutt, no, no, and no. Nope I dont want any more caretaking relationships. Life gets complicated at my age and I need to declutter.  I think what I want is the freedom to window shop. Am good for no one right now until I replenish myself.
Grief is complex because there is still a relationship.  Clean cuts and NC so much more straightforward. This way you win some you lose some.  I honestly dont know what is there to grieve.  Will paint my office and ponder  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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khibomsis
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« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2021, 05:00:42 PM »

So far,  remarkably little grief.I think I grieved enough during the last recycle maybe ? Not to mention the triangulation that preceded it. Bottom line, she is not the person I thought she was. I made a commitment before I knew about the BPD and felt I should not discriminate against a mate because of a disability.  Now she has set me free. To me that is true love. Having grown up with a BPD mother I am well aware of the complexities of my father's life. I can do it, he was an excellent rolemodel, I certainly count myself capable of bending  to a.BPD's slightest whim. Still it is hard work, and not my ideal of an  intimate relationship for my old age. One has to.supply 80 % of the energy to make it work. So radical acceptance helps a lot with the grief. Also CoVID sharpens ones perspective. Nobody is dead. I am happy not to have to grieve my pwBPD nor she me.  
Had a social media snafu today where I swore I wouldn't and I did. The resulting pain taught me a good lesson. See friends get to  ignore each other's social media without the FOG, I must remember that.
I shall work more with my hands and should I be overwhelmed I will faithfully report. But so far more like I dodged a bullet but with honour and respect.  Have left noone in the lurch. To see her come to.herself remains every day a joy, while I get to be safe in the friendzone
« Last Edit: January 14, 2021, 05:07:03 PM by khibomsis » Logged

 
khibomsis
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« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2021, 01:32:06 PM »

Ok, dear OR, a little grief.  She is being so sweet, dammit. And tagging me on her page. No fair. What to do?
Still not for long.  We both woke up alive this morning thanks be.  She is growing more and more into herself every day. It makes me feel we did the right thing.
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khibomsis
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« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2021, 06:02:06 AM »

Been binge reading old posts. Better than me ruminating. Giants have  walked these boards. This one from Red5 (thank you Kells76 for putting us onto him!). Priceless. And it works !  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

"Ok, ya’ll may think I’m a bit off my rocker, but I actually did this with a degree of success...

What I mean by word salad and broken record, is when the conversation has gone way south, and your borderline is projecting onto you... validation isn’t working, so to avoid JADE, you go off on a “jag”... something like this... “you know your eyes are strikingly beautiful when you are so angry, I get lost in your glaring look, you are such a complex soul, you captivate me, when you are like this I get lost in you”...

I’ve tried it before, and one of two things will happen, my udx borderline wife would either stop her rant-rage and storm off, or she would tell me I’m crazy... anything to get her to -stop- her rage, rant, stern punishment... and demeaning of me.

It is a complete out of character demeanor that you must present, if she comes back with further negative talk, do it again, “ you my love crush my heart... such a sweet and painful sting I feel so deep within my heart... I love you with every fiber of my being, your anger is so sweet and searing to me, you intrigue me”...

Keep doing it till she stops... you can’t have an argument with an unwilling participant whom is about to burst out into romantic poetry... or starts singing the theme to Gillian’s Island...

I know it’s sounds crazy, but this “jag” did work for me... I found it very useful to keep her guessing about my own mood, but you must press the attack- maneuver-fake... once you start, you can’t let up...

She may say something like... “you need to listen to me, stop acting like this!”... “what are you doing?”... “are you drunk or high?”...

Reply with, “l feel the overwhelming urge to kiss you very deeply and fully, you drive me crazy”...

Either it will work and she will calm down, or else she may actually try to kill you...

My wife called me a crazy and disturbed person... but she left me alone... for quite a while resulatant...

Would you ever try something like this ?

Over the years, I’ve found that humor, the ability to laugh... is like light, speed... which is survival..."
 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337639.msg13061642#msg13061642
  
« Last Edit: January 23, 2021, 06:13:32 AM by khibomsis » Logged

 
legalboxers
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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2021, 09:35:49 AM »

Well, beloved with BPD and I are splitting up. It is a totally sane decision, after having spent many months in her city I have to return to mine. My job was never portable and we knew that from the beginning.  She doesn't feel able to migrate, and indeed the more I learn about BPD the more I understand just how stressful moving would be. I for sure need her not to stress because that way lies dysregulation.
 I will still be hanging around the bettering board because  we remain friends and business partners.
I am in no hurry to date,  too scared to until I am confident the co- dependency is under control.    But in the spirit of resisting the love bombing it would be nice to think about it. I hear the rule is one month for every year, but does one get time off for good behaviour? With LDR I have spent at least 50 % of my time alone.  So what do you think? When can I in good conscience start enjoying the eyecandy?

You do when your heart has healed.
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when they ask us to do time in purgatory, we can say no thanks, Ive done mine
khibomsis
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« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2021, 10:22:17 PM »

Thank you legalboxer! Will tell this stubborn heart of mine to get on with it  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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legalboxers
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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2021, 10:22:07 AM »

Thank you legalboxer! Will tell this stubborn heart of mine to get on with it  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Im in that same spot so I get it
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when they ask us to do time in purgatory, we can say no thanks, Ive done mine
khibomsis
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2021, 03:23:21 PM »

O I am so glad somebody gets it! The Twilight Zone of BPD can be so strange, I have to edit heavily when talking to friends and family. Thank heavens for these boards .
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2021, 12:17:21 AM »

Personally, I think it is wise to date when you feel you are fine being by yourself. If your relationship with yourself is healthy first then dating will be made much easier. The thought process is that you are fine with or without someone else. The emphasis being want and not need. You have to create that aura of confidence. Be happy with you. Date when you can have the mentality that there are many fish out in the sea and you will not settle for anything less than what you want.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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khibomsis
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« Reply #14 on: January 28, 2021, 07:16:03 AM »

Thank you so much, SC! I used to love my own company. If I could hug myself I would probably have remained a hermit for life.
Love the idea of not settling until it is right. A long way to go but something to look forward to!
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