What to do? Lost in my own thoughts

[lestat]

Hello and thank you in advance for the advice and kind words. I've been lost for some years now, not knowing how to handle things and frankly, I'm getting sick of the voice in my own head for company.

My wife was diagnosed with BPD last year and has gone off the rails. I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do. She’s not involving me, or our son, in her life, she’s isolating herself in the bedroom all the time, posting naked pictures of herself online and to men on Twitter (she blocked me before doing this) and has said she wants a divorce. I’ve tried talking, I’ve tried asking why - the reasoning I get is because I’ve failed her over the last decade or so, brings up what happened in the very early stages of our relationship (the fact that we split up and that I was uncertain we could afford to have a child (we couldn't, we were living on £40 a week) - when I thought she was bipolar and was being treated for such - so I accepted that intimacy would be hit or miss and that I would be treated like PLEASE READ sometimes, but then I’d see the real lady I married.

In the U.K., Covid 19 has hit hard and she’s been shielded on and off since March last year. I’ve been topping up her wage to ensure we’re not financially struggling but she insists I’ve used her as a meal ticket, as it’s only been five years that I’ve been back at work, as I was the one who stayed home with our child, did the school runs, cooks, cleans and so on.

She’s always now on her phone to a man she met on Twitter, who also apparently has BPD. I let it go, thinking it was doing her good speaking to someone familiar with the condition, whilst reading Randi Kroger’s books. I then found pictures of penises, pictures of herself naked and more on her iPad. I confronted her about this and asked why, just to receive abuse back. I’ve supported her mental illness now for over twenty years, making excuses for not seeing my family and friends and more. I had panic attacks if there was no parking available outside our house - because she would return from work and explode at me as though it’s my fault and for the simplest of things like towels being put back incorrectly.

I don’t know what to do. She says she no longer loves me and that I have “never loved her”, but this couldn’t be much further from the truth. She’s under the guidance of a psychiatrist - as she had CBT and was referred on, but I don’t know how much truth she’s telling the person and how much the condition is affecting her and our family. She’s a midwife, has a decent wage, works her arse off (when not shielded) and has been the breadwinner of the house since our son was born. But she’s a hoarder, spends too much money and constantly demands more and more money from me - literally 80% of my business income last year.

How can I communicate with someone who doesn’t want to talk? She can go days with little more than a yes or a no. I make all of her meals, I help her (she’s physically disabled) when she needs it, if she has a low blood sugar episode - it’s me that helps her.

I’ve tried finding support her for family members, but cannot seem to locate anything. It’s mentally breaking me, I’m crying myself to sleep and I have no friends or family to talk to. What do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

ill be upfront with you, lestat: this is a hard situation and my heart goes out to you. im glad you found us, because building a strong support system is probably priority numero uno right now.

it will help enormously, in addition to support here, to find a therapist experienced with bpd. taking care of our emotional well being is absolutely vital, in the best of circumstances.

the isolation, i imagine, is extra hard. i know in this covid19 era that its hard to make friends. i would suggest doing anything you can, really, like joining some facebook groups pertaining to your hobbies. that has been a lifeline for me for a lot of this past year, just feeling connected to people. its another kind of support.

additionally, you and your son no doubt need each other more than ever.

its not really uncommon for a diagnosis to facilitate a person with bpd going off the rails. its the kind of diagnosis that is life changing, and people with bpd struggle particularly with stress, with life changes, with coping in general. what led up to her finally being diagnosed? was she in crisis before that?

[lestat]

Good morning, Once removed and thank you very much for your reply.

I've been dealing with this on my own for so long now, I have no real idea where to start. So poured out what I could think of, there and then, onto my initial post.

I have no friends or family where I am (apart from my son) - my wife tore herself away from her own side of the family, apart from one sister of whom I rarely speak to or I receive the Spanish inquisition. All my friends and family are hundreds of miles away. So I'm kinda trapped in my own house and head. I work from home, so even this is something that I can't really "escape to" as it were. I'm forever being told that what I do isn't "important" and that because I work for myself, I can just get up and leave the house at a moment's notice - it's not like I have clients and such that I'm beholden to, is it?

We met when I was 21 and she was 34. I worked and lived hundreds of miles away, so used to commute up and down the country when I had days off. I did this for around a year and we got to the point where it was exhausting me doing this and she asked me to move in. I did, it was lovely. I have so many fond memories of when my wife was, well, my wife. About seven months in, fractures appeared and I couldn't take it anymore - I was young, living hundreds of miles away from my siblings and parents, so decided to call it a day. I told me wife that I couldn't cope anymore and we decided to split. I packed my stuff and moved back in with my parents and left whilst my wife was at work, so that there would be no conflict. We kept in touch and soon realised that it was a mistake and I moved back in some months later.

She fell pregnant with our son, told me and I was scared. Young and scared don't generally mix and adding into the equation that we were essentially living on £40 a week at that time, I said that I was worried we couldn't afford a baby at that time and that it would be crazy for my wife to give up her studies (she was in her final year of a degree) and we spoke of should we/shouldn't we go ahead with the pregnancy. Obviously in the end, we decided to go for it and that we'd carry on as normal, I would be the parent that stayed home with the baby, she would finish her studies and go to work at the hospital and be the breadwinner. When our son was born, it was a scary, scary time. Both her and my wife would have died if the specialist hadn't of decided to get him out there and then (wife had to be regularly seen at the hospital, as her blood pressure tablets weren't working properly and were affecting both her and my son's heart), as they couldn't find his heartbeat and my wife's heart was erratic. He spent nearly four weeks in intensive care, my wife wasn't able to see him for nearly two days because of how bad a shape she was in. But he fought and lived - my wife recovered and obviously lived and so, Christmas eve of 2001, we took him home.

My son has been around this all of his life. We initially believed that my wife was bipolar and she was medicated as such - she had a lot of things happen when she was younger. She was the youngest of six girls to older parents, was the last one at home when her mum unexpectedly had twins in her late forties. This obviously is something that's played up on her mind a great deal, as she has always said that her parents attention was then gone and she wasn't really (or felt, I don't know) loved as much.


She's been on antidepressants since I've known her. Her first meeting with a CBT therapist (before moving onto a specialist psychologist), my wife came out of the appointment grinning and declared that the lady she saw declared that BPD can be cured. I questioned this, I said it's probably more along the lines of it being managed, rather than cured but my wife insisted otherwise. She also said that she was told that she could come off of antidepressants, but would do this gradually.

For a long time, my wife was ill. Mentally and physically. She was off of work for over a year, where I supported her financially and mentally (working from home has its benefits, I guess) and I attended the hospital and clinics that she went to in the build up to the surgery she had. We had around 18 months of has / hasn't she got cancer of the ovaries and this caused her a great deal of pain and discomfort, so when she was at work, she'd come home and then just go to bed and, more often than not, not even say hello to me - just explode or give me stories of how much pain she was in - or our son.

A few years prior to this, she was diagnosed with sever osteoarthritis in her knees, hips, back and wrists - so I DO know that she is in a lot of pain to a degree and does rely on pain killers to help her through the day - but the cancer scare took things to a whole new level. She had the operation, thankfully she doesn't have cancer and went back to work last February - then COVID19 hit and she was shielded. Then went back to work, then shielded again and again as the virus took hold of the UK. In the first lockdown, her nephew died of testicular cancer and, because of the rules in place, we were unable to attend the funeral - which obviously did upset her, but to offset this, I got her back in touch with her older sister (she doesn't know I did this) and now they regularly chat on the phone.

I noticed a huge change in her around the summer of last year, always on the phone and talking to someone, she'd clam up if I went into our bedroom - looking at me like I shouldn't be in our room. My son asks who she's speaking to, but obviously I couldn't say (and indeed haven't to this day). Each time I asked her, she'd declare that it was a BPD group that she's in and they're all supporting each other. Things started getting weirder, she blocked me on social media - after I commented on a few things she'd posted - like giving my son credit for all of the things I do for my wife (my son is an amazing kid, I really couldn't ask for a better child. But he's your typical teen and bloody lazy) - like making her breakfast, lunch and dinner, running up and down the stairs if she needs a drink (again, the osteoarthritis she has makes stairs really hard, so I try to help her as much as I can as she's fallen a few times on them), when I buy her presents etc etc. She puts my son on a pedestal, whilst telling anyone that'll listen on Twitter that she's divorced. I can see replies to her posts, which tells me that she's posting pictures of her breasts or in underwear online to get attention; I queried this and she didn't say yes or no - just exploded.

A few days ago, I was left to my own thoughts for so long, I'd had enough. I went to our room, sat on the bed and started crying. She asked what was wrong and I asked her why she hates me. She then told me that she's talking to some guy in Scotland who she really likes and that she's wanted a divorce for 12 years. Up till this point, we'd hug in bed (I was ok with very little in the way of sex or intimacy, because I had grown so used to being shunned away that I thought she wasn't interested in me any more in that sense). She told me that I didn't love her or find her attractive (which is absolutely insane, I wouldn't of stayed around for over twenty years if I didn't) and that I was essentially using her as a mealticket.

[once removed]

damn. the two of you cant catch much of a break, huh? its like its been one scare after another.

I wouldn't of stayed around for over twenty years if I didn't) and that I was essentially using her as a mealticket.

how did you respond to all of this?

[lestat]

Hi @Once Removed.

I responded by pointing out the facts. For the first sixteen years or so of our relationship I was raising our son, doing the school runs, running the household and looking after her when she was ill - she had a couple of nervous breakdowns (or what was assumed to be) that lasted a year or so each. Over the last ten or so years, I've been working from home, making money and saving 90% of what I earn and squirreling it away for holidays. We were able to go to Disney World something like 14 times in a row because of this and you and I both know how expensive that place is; especially once you factor in long haul flights, two weeks in an on property hotel, meals, spending money etc - but again, thrown back in my face in previous conversations as "being lucky that I can choose what to spend my money on", as hers goes on bills and running the household (which fyi, I give her a third of what I earn a month minimum and when she has been ill and reduced pay, anywhere up to 90%).

In the timeline between me posting on here and now, my wife told me that she's going away for a few weeks to "clear her head". As of 7.30am this morning, she left. I pleaded her not to go but said I understand if she needs to do it and that I love her enough to let her go. I made sure she said bye to our son, who's rightly confused and devastated and she pretty much blanked me leaving, with a brief wave goodbye as she drove off. I've not heard anything since. She actually got mad that I was helping her pack the car, as she had giant bags that weighed a ton and I knew full well that she would be incapable of moving the things.

I know roughly where she's going and I know that it's to stay with another man. Whether she will be unfaithful to me or not, I cannot say but I'm heartbroken; because I know that it's one of the men that she's been sending explicit photographs to and constantly talking to on the phone. She tells me he also suffers with BPD, but I believe he's just manipulating her.

So now, at home - the two constants in her life, myself and my son, she's left. There's a void and I've spent the morning hugging my lad, unable to speak because I'm so choked up and just making sure he's ok. He's 19 now, but is still my little boy and I'll protect him from anything and everything, as I have done all his life.

[khibomsis]

Lestat, sorry to hear about the troubles you are going through. How is it going now? How have you managed to get through the last few days?
You absolutely need support right now. Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself and your son?
In the meantime we are here for you. Keep us posted.

[lestat]

Hello khibomsis.

Things are ok. We've just carried on as normal - I work from home, my son is studying. So we've tried to normalise everything as much as we possibly can. I explained to my son as best as I could about his mum's mental condition but found it very hard and broke down. We've had a call each evening from her, but all very nonchalant and minimal in terms of information given. Just places she's visited that day - not asked how we are doing, how things are here. Just about her and what's she's done and what she will be doing the next day.

Therapy I've reached out to Mind UK and my local CVS via email, no replies yet. I understand there's a mental health crisis going on but I'm kind of frustrated at how slow they're being with replies.

I can't pretend to understand BPD/NPD. I bought the books, as stated previously. I've read god knows how much literature and I still don't really can't get my head around it. I myself suffer with cluster headaches (chronic), so it massively affects my memory and mental state - I'm also being investigated for potential fibromyalgia or MS. So I honestly struggle a great deal taking in new things and processing them and my short term memory is shot to bits (something that my wife really didn't understand and would explode if I mixed up a discussion I had with her to someone else, or vice versa.

However, it is nice to know that what I've experienced and what I have been through isn't something that I alone have suffered.