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Author Topic: Confused and abused for the past 4 years, now totally estranged from daughter  (Read 253 times)
AKHobbes93
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Divorced with three grown children, estranged from BPD daughter 28
Posts: 1


« on: January 13, 2021, 02:20:57 PM »

Hard to summarize, but my child became overtly depressed/alcoholic/suicidal in college, came home, went back, ended up hospitalized with DUI, had serial near-death drinking bouts and stays at crisis homes.
"Living with" me but spending 90% of time at lover's house when COVID struck and now blames me for "kicking her out during a pandemic," among other things, when I assumed she would live where she spent all her time (I am older and immuno-compromised, but she had no thought for that).
Even before that, however, she alternated between telling me to leave her alone and wanting to recover at my house although clearly unhappy here.
I set boundaries and now we are estranged.
My heart is broken but there is nothing I can do.
I have always done the right things in raising my kids (one of whom is disabled). I was and am a good mom. But I failed this one child and feel terrible, heartbroken, and lonely.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Sancho
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« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2021, 12:05:52 AM »

Welcome to the group. I can hear the pain in your post - and exhaustion after years of emotional turmoil and distress, not to mention the anxiety of not knowing if your child was going to survive on so many occasions.

At the end you say:

 But I failed this one child and feel terrible, heartbroken, and lonely.

Many parents of children with BPD feel they have failed and they are responsible for their child's unhappiness and destructiveness. But you can also see that you have been a good mom - and it sounds as though you have had your hands very full rearing your children!

Part of having BPD is blaming someone and in the moments of extreme emotional stress they always expect their carer/parent to immediately solve their problem - so we end up feeling that we are responsible for ending the pain.

But we aren't and we can't.

You are not alone - everyone here understands how you feel. At the moments (frequent) when I feel like you describe I repeat slowly to myself the 3 C's - I did not cause this, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it.

This helps me a lot.

You have been the best mom you can be. Just keep learning and loving and don't blame yourself.
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Shinta

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Difficult relationship despite best efforts
Posts: 10


« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2021, 07:01:41 AM »

Hello AK,

I know what are you saying and how you are feeling  I’ve been there many times before.( with my adult BPD daughter)

My thoughts are with you and hoping you would pay attention to yourself and your well being (despite the  constantly brewing storm all around you).

It’s taken me years, but it has been worth it to get to this point- which is - save yourself first.

please don’t see her behavior and the state of affairs between the two of you as a report card on your role as a mother. Or a caring or kind or well-meaning, dedicated human that you are.

The uncoupling of this self incrimination is critical for not only you to heal but ( with any luck ) also  to reach a certain degree of acceptance in the tumultuous relationship with your daughter.

Intellectually understanding this fact may not be enough- some of the things I dabbled with,
1. Volunteered for CASA
2. Got into meditation
3. Tried to define my own boundaries and my threshold and tried to stay within this fenced area 
4. Exercised, ate well, took trips( well, before covid)
5. Developed relationships with nieces and nephews and developed and cultivated meaningful adult- adult relationships
6. Read a lot about BPD
7. Got into advocacy

I find myself spending less time taking my daughters behavior personally and what’s more, I have developed a great degree of compassion for my daughter despite ongoing calamities in our lives  (for this is truly a handicapping disease.)


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Swimmy55
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 658



« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2021, 12:03:57 PM »

Hi AK,
 I don't have a lot more to add except I too have an estrangement going on with my adult son .  In addition to the excellent suggestions already mentioned, I also go to an online 12 step program ( nar- anon in my case) for families .  This program teaches detachment, which is the principle of keeping our focus on ourselves. This is something I have not mastered, but the meetings do help me. The meetings also help me with my ruminations over " could've would've should've" with my son. There are many online to choose from and try out. This is an additional network to coming to this forum  for me.
Welcome and keep writing back here.
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Gizzi

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2021, 07:10:33 PM »

Hi, I'm so sorry you have to go through this with someone you love so much. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my daughter and her welfare. Unfortunately it's out of our hands, all you can really do is help yourself and continue living your life and not to become fully engulfed with your daughters disability. I know it's extremely hard to do this as I have been dealing with my daughter since she has been 14 years old. She's now 21 and recently finally diagnosed with this serious mental disorder. It's extremely difficult walking on eggshells around her, never knowing what mood she will be in. Today was a better day, but to be honest everyday is a suspense for me, because I never know if she's going to blow up in my face or what's going to come out of her so I need to choose my words wisely. And to be honest with you it's a very uncomfortable feeling. Almost like I'm in a prison in my own home. I've read the book "stop walking on eggshells " by paul mason and Kreger.it has helped me a lot. I have also come to terms with the fact that there will be a day where she sees me as the evil one again, and will also choose to not include me in her life. It is an up and down road roller coaster ride, but at this point I have become quite numb. Please take care of yourself ♥️
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beatricex
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 179


« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2021, 09:10:21 PM »

hi AKHobbes93,

Something that struck me about your post is that it is written in absolutes.

I was this, that was what happened, now it is done.

Life is much greyer than this, it is by no means black and white.  If your daughter is only in college, and is BPD'd you have a long road ahead of you..

Anyway you can see some non black and white in there?  For your own piece of mind, I mean?
 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
b
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