I feel like no one understands what I went through and how it affected me.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Maybe it's because I am a guy, but I feel like the gravity of what I went through and how messed up and abusive it was, and what it costed me is lost on people. Most people seem unresponsive, or they minimize what I went through.

I was shamed for being attracted to other women, shamed sexually, playing video games or watching movies with any sort of girls having any revealing clothing and nudity would become a big issue.

I was blamed for everything, every fight would only end if I admitted defeat and apologized, even when I wasn't in the wrong. She'd guilt trip me in order to make sure it worked out that way.

She would ignore all boundaries I set, and ignore all requests I'd make, and just do whatever she wanted to do.

She'd harass me when I went out alone, and call all the time, even when I told her not to. And she'd use people against me to try to manipulate me. She'd isolate me by trying to get me not to be around people who she thought might encourage me not to be with her.

She was sadistic, beat me one time, and would stoke my anxieties, just to get a kick out of it.

She only seemed to care about what she liked and wanted, not what I liked and wanted.

Early in the relationship she would do the opposite, and overly involve herself in the things I liked, but it was always in a really invasive way, and it was always for some selfish reason.

Her behavior caused our house to get completely trashed, fought with my best friend all the time. Leading to me losing my home, my job (I was a computer programmer, and loved it), and my best friend. I also lost half of my friends soon after because I was so messed up and traumatized from that, and I was still being abused for years. It also damaged the few relationships I had, and eventually those relationships died. Now I still struggle to trust people enough to make new friends. (I have a few, but they are fairly shallow relationships). It also caused me to lose my passion for the hobbies I had, such as videogames, board games, other games, socializing, etc.

I realize I put up with all this, and I have enough self respect to not let it happen again. I also have worked on my life a lot and come a long way. And realize that I need to have my eyes forward to some extent and work on building the life I want. But I have been out of the relationship a long time now and I still feel very hurt and angry (some of it, I think is because I stuffed it down for too long). I feel outraged, betrayed, and I feel a deep sense of loss, because this all costed me so much, and I haven't fully recovered yet. It's hard to move forward in a consistent way when all the hurt is still dragging me down.

Thanks for reading.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Maybe it's because I am a guy, but I feel like the gravity of what I went through and how messed up and abusive it was, and what it costed me is lost on people. Most people seem unresponsive, or they minimize what I went through.

I was shamed for being attracted to other women, shamed sexually, playing video games or watching movies with any sort of girls having any revealing clothing and nudity would become a big issue.

I was blamed for everything, every fight would only end if I admitted defeat and apologized, even when I wasn't in the wrong. She'd guilt trip me in order to make sure it worked out that way.

She would ignore all boundaries I set, and ignore all requests I'd make, and just do whatever she wanted to do.

She'd harass me when I went out alone, and call all the time, even when I told her not to. And she'd use people against me to try to manipulate me. She'd isolate me by trying to get me not to be around people who she thought might encourage me not to be with her.

She was sadistic, beat me one time, and would stoke my anxieties, just to get a kick out of it.

She only seemed to care about what she liked and wanted, not what I liked and wanted.

Early in the relationship she would do the opposite, and overly involve herself in the things I liked, but it was always in a really invasive way, and it was always for some selfish reason.

Her behavior caused our house to get completely trashed, fought with my best friend all the time. Leading to me losing my home, my job (I was a computer programmer, and loved it), and my best friend. I also lost half of my friends soon after because I was so messed up and traumatized from that, and I was still being abused for years. It also damaged the few relationships I had, and eventually those relationships died. Now I still struggle to trust people enough to make new friends. (I have a few, but they are fairly shallow relationships). It also caused me to lose my passion for the hobbies I had, such as videogames, board games, other games, socializing, etc.

I realize I put up with all this, and I have enough self respect to not let it happen again. I also have worked on my life a lot and come a long way. And realize that I need to have my eyes forward to some extent and work on building the life I want. But I have been out of the relationship a long time now and I still feel very hurt and angry (some of it, I think is because I stuffed it down for too long). I feel outraged, betrayed, and I feel a deep sense of loss, because this all costed me so much, and I haven't fully recovered yet. It's hard to move forward in a consistent way when all the hurt is still dragging me down.

Thanks for reading.

[B00K84]

Hi BuildingfromScratch-

I am very sorry to hear what happened to you but also that you haven't experienced any validation from those around you for what you went through.  I think it is hard for some people to understand the physiological impact of being around or being in a relationship with a BPD person.   Any one incident may not be enough to properly convey to others what its like but more the repeated manipulation and no win situations you find yourself against time after time that wear you down and can fundamentally change the way you feel about yourself or question your own judgment.  I too still feel traumatized by incidents that happened years ago and my self-esteem still suffers.  Some things that have helped me is therapy and recently this site- getting validation that you were treated poorly and that others have experienced similar trauma is helpful.   I have also read several books - many listed in these resource pages - reading about these typical behaviors of BPD and getting to say "yes, that is what that person would do all the time!"  helped make sense of seemingly incomprehensible behavior from a person who says they care about you.   I also read Pete Walker - Complex CPTSD.   This is a book about how to cope with the impacts of prolonged trauma and how to heal.  Many of the examples are about having overcome and abusive parent- but the same principles apply about how to heal from a traumatic partner relationship.  Its a hefty book but practical and one of the most helpful things I learned was that you need to properly grieve for what happened to you.   Especially if you haven't found much external compassion or validation- you are allowed and should actively be angry, sad, disappointed for what happened to you and undo some of the feelings of shame ingrained into you by their behavior.   It sounds like you have been able to make strides in getting your life back as I think I did early on but it wasn't until I gave proper weight and self-compassion for all the hurt that I felt like I started making progress in undoing the impact of the trauma. 

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey Book, thanks for your response.

Thanks for affirming that I suffered abuse and that it had a huge impact on me. I do think it's hard for people to understand, which is why I am here. I think the people here are the most likely to understand.

Hrm, I may look into that book sometime. I did do a lot of research about BPD post breakup and it feels like a lot of it is a script they are living, it's amazing how so many of them all exhibit these exact same patterns.

I find it very helpful that you said it's okay for me to grieve these things. Last time I was here, I was told that I just needed to change my thinking, because I am like 10 years post breakup, therefor I am just stuck in it due to a poor perspective.

But, I think I only really started grieving them in the last couple of years, and honestly I feel like I am making progress. At first I was just feeling blind rage and hatred, now I feel hatred and anger, betrayal, disbelief, sorrow. Now I am really getting down to the hurt, and sense of loss that is under all that anger. I guess I just feel like I am supposed to be over it already. But honestly, I've been through enough grief to know that you get over it, when you get over it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BFS, It's true: only those who have been in a BPD r/s can appreciate what you have been through, which is why it's a good idea to post on this Board.  We get it.  Others may try to understand, but BPD is way out of the realm of what most have experienced, so it's hard for them to relate.  That's OK.

I suggest you get back to your core.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive for authenticity.  Become who you are, as Nietzsche said.  I think it's possible to repair some broken relationships, if you are honest with people about your ordeal.

Everyone heals at his her pace.  I suggest you acknowledge your feelings as they arise, and then do something to process them.  How to process?  That's up to you, but you could: speak to a close friend or family member; meet with a T; take a walk in the woods or on the beach; write in a journal; practice mindfulness; etc.  Sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to judge or do anything in particular.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[SinisterComplex]

Maybe it's because I am a guy, but I feel like the gravity of what I went through and how messed up and abusive it was, and what it costed me is lost on people. Most people seem unresponsive, or they minimize what I went through.

I was shamed for being attracted to other women, shamed sexually, playing video games or watching movies with any sort of girls having any revealing clothing and nudity would become a big issue.

I was blamed for everything, every fight would only end if I admitted defeat and apologized, even when I wasn't in the wrong. She'd guilt trip me in order to make sure it worked out that way.

She would ignore all boundaries I set, and ignore all requests I'd make, and just do whatever she wanted to do.

She'd harass me when I went out alone, and call all the time, even when I told her not to. And she'd use people against me to try to manipulate me. She'd isolate me by trying to get me not to be around people who she thought might encourage me not to be with her.

She was sadistic, beat me one time, and would stoke my anxieties, just to get a kick out of it.

She only seemed to care about what she liked and wanted, not what I liked and wanted.

Early in the relationship she would do the opposite, and overly involve herself in the things I liked, but it was always in a really invasive way, and it was always for some selfish reason.

Her behavior caused our house to get completely trashed, fought with my best friend all the time. Leading to me losing my home, my job (I was a computer programmer, and loved it), and my best friend. I also lost half of my friends soon after because I was so messed up and traumatized from that, and I was still being abused for years. It also damaged the few relationships I had, and eventually those relationships died. Now I still struggle to trust people enough to make new friends. (I have a few, but they are fairly shallow relationships). It also caused me to lose my passion for the hobbies I had, such as videogames, board games, other games, socializing, etc.

I realize I put up with all this, and I have enough self respect to not let it happen again. I also have worked on my life a lot and come a long way. And realize that I need to have my eyes forward to some extent and work on building the life I want. But I have been out of the relationship a long time now and I still feel very hurt and angry (some of it, I think is because I stuffed it down for too long). I feel outraged, betrayed, and I feel a deep sense of loss, because this all costed me so much, and I haven't fully recovered yet. It's hard to move forward in a consistent way when all the hurt is still dragging me down.

Thanks for reading.

BFS...this is the best place to come to get your thoughts and feelings out. The people on this board get it. This is a resource that provides a safe harbor of sorts. Keep yourself anonymous and just use the knowledge from others to help yourself heal. The biggest thing to take away from using this site is that you will see you can overcome your pain and you can right your wrongs. However, you can only right the wrongs by accepting the past is the past and the ink is already dry...that story is written. Start a new book. Start with a fresh chapter and clear out all the weight holding you down. I haven't posted in a while, but I drop in from time to time to check in on some of the members I have communicated with and your post caught my attention. I've went through hell myself friend and guess what? I'm alive. I survived and still standing. Even better I am the happiest I've been in a decade. Why do I mention that? Because that can and will be you too if you will it to be so. Keep your head up. If there is one thing I will say that may help you...adopt the mind set of Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey Jim, thanks for responding. Yeah, I plan on reconnecting with one of my old friends and explaining things to them at some point. Most of my other friends, I really don't want to be friends with. They are mostly dysfunctional people, and the two friends I chose to give up (it was mutual) more recently, just disrespected me and tried to push me to change my life all the time, even though I have been doing my best to improve my situation.

Also, I do process it a lot, I journal very often and I have a counselor that I sometimes talk to about this stuff.

Sinister, I agree that using this site is one of the best things for me, since only people who have been through it can truly understand.

Also, I do look forward and want to build a new life, but I want some things from the past in the present. I am realistic about it, I don't expect everything to be like it was then. But it still hurts to know where I was, and where I am at in some respects. I have grown a lot as a person, but emotionally this baggage is dragging me down, even though I work through the emotions consistently. You can't just use positive thinking to get over grief, sure wisdom helps you not get as stuck, but it doesn't completely solve it. You have to do the hard emotional work to get to the other side of it. I am willing it to be in a sense, it's just slower going than I really want it to be and I find that frustrating.

Maybe being here will help speed things up?

Thanks for your response.

[Cromwell]

Im glad you used the word frustration before I did. Building from scratch.

I felt it since first post I wondered if you recognised it at that point.

What if it is a stumble block in itself. {Feeling frustrated}

Is there any reason why you want to speed things up, where exactly is it you are going?

[Boozle]

Hi Building from scratch.

Yes, i feel exactly the same way.
It has felt very invalidating to say the least.

I have tried explaining everything to a friend, but he just doesn't seem to get it.
Same with nearly  everyone around me.

But i guess thats the way it works.
People won't get it until it happens to them.

All i can say is that i feel as sure as i can be about my experience, and that my ex has,
if not the "whole diagnose", then at least to a large extent.(traits of)
(she is undiagnosed for BPD , but has a diagnose of chronic depression)

There are just too many circumstances and details that fit the picture perfectly.
Sure, if it had only been a couple of details that would have fitted, i would have said
myself: naaa...
but when it's 80-90 % accurate with the traits and behaviours.

Well, i know where i would put my buck.

Anyway,
hope you feel ok.

/B

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey Cromwell, I mean yeah, feeling frustrated can be a bit of a stumbling block. I want to speed things up because many times when I lay down to go to sleep a flood of emotions hit me about my ex, and sometimes I have to spend an hour or more working through it, although it has been improving, used to take 2-3 hours, .

Also, since it is a burden that weights me down, it prevents me from having the energy to live my life to the fullest.

Hey Boozle, yeah, I felt very invalidated by people minimizing things, and dismissing them. I also do think some of it is because I am a guy, people don't take emotional abuse from women as seriously. Also, I think it's often more subtle than how a guy might abuse a girl, so it's harder for people to really get.

Well, I think the extreme fear of abandonment, and the irrational need to control the other persons life because of that fear, and all the blaming of everyone but themselves are the hallmarks of BPD, sure there is more, but those things stick out to me the most.

[Lucky Jim]

I also do think some of it is because I am a guy, people don't take emotional abuse from women as seriously. Also, I think it's often more subtle than how a guy might abuse a girl, so it's harder for people to really get.

Hey BFS, You nailed it!  Right, no one talks about a man getting abused by a woman, perhaps because men don't want to admit it due to an element of shame attached to a man taking abuse from a woman.  It's a dark secret that men are reluctant to admit.  Yet it happens all the time, particularly in the context of BPD.  I was afraid to talk about what was really happening, because I couldn't admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship.

LJ

[Cromwell]

Hey Cromwell, I mean yeah, feeling frustrated can be a bit of a stumbling block. I want to speed things up because many times when I lay down to go to sleep a flood of emotions hit me about my ex, and sometimes I have to spend an hour or more working through it, although it has been improving, used to take 2-3 hours, .

I relate to not wanting to feel this way and wanting to feel "free" of it? Does that make sense. I think it is very encouraging to see that youve went from 2-3hr down to 1. Sometimes it can be hard to know just how much has already been achieved, I like the gym analogy, someone doing weight training, the next morning, looks like nothing has changed, but it a lot actually has its just not easy to notice.

Its nice to hear a "". Id see it as a positive sign also.

one friend I got close to during recovery, id get a text each day asking how I felt, I always liked the phrase "SNAFU" and at least, it meant something accurate, it maybe had a tinge of a sense of humor, but i was mostly serious. the more I used it, it became something we laughed about together, in other words, if every day is consistently SNAFU than its starting to become something else altogether from what it was (nothing special, nothing shock shock horror). Im not sure what they call it in English class, maybe an Oxymoron? did it become one.  Or maybe thats just me

also, when the thought train got ridiculous, I found medication helped incredibly well. I didnt crutch on it, but it made a difference, Im not sure if this is something you are familiar with or if youve thought about might help.

Crom

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey Jim, yeah it's true. I mean, I have brought it up to a couple of counselors, but most don't really sympathize much and they just gloss over it, it feels like. I did spend years feeling too ashamed to bring it up. I'm not so ashamed anymore, but the world still tries to get you to be ashamed by not taking your feelings seriously and dismissing things.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BFS, Suggest you continue to stand in your truth.  Most have no idea what it is like in a BPD r/s, because it is so far out of the realm of their experience.  No, you need not be ashamed anymore.  I think those w/BPD count on the Non to suffer in silence, because it protects the facade that the pwBPD presents to the world.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to my BPDxW.  No more.

LJ

[cash05458]

this is a good thread and so much good discussion here...yes, I think they count on us staying silent...and certainly, not a lot of attention is paid to a female abusing a male...I can speak from deep understanding of that rage abuse...even physical things and threats to call the police to fake an abuse thing via moods...yet, I was right there trying to understand and support the next morning...

This might sound too aggressive...but the idea that we must constantly "understand" her/their position...Look, enough and I find it BS...I spent 6 years understanding her position and being on pins and needles...anything for them right? It is fine to understand for our own self development and search for who we are...THAT needs to be the point of understanding what occurred...NOT for them...but I think we, or shall I say here for me, to not offend anyone, have done enough understanding of their/ her problems...THAT actually was the problem that got me here...too much understanding and acceptance...understanding of all they are going thru can't be endless and at some point it becomes masochism...again, for myself, at our end, I didn't get a single ounce of understanding from the other side...no effort was put in whatsoever...it was simply BAM, deal with it fella and the hell with your pain...and she meant that.

I do think our drive to understand and make better for them is part of our own problems...and again, it is why some of us are here and so confused...or me anyhow...

[Lucky Jim]

I do think our drive to understand and make better for them is part of our own problems...and again, it is why some of us are here and so confused...or me anyhow...

Hey cash, Right, a lot of us Nons have codependent tendencies.  It seems noble to be a caretaker for one's BPD SO, but I don't look at it that way anymore; in my view, it's an unhealthy dynamic for both the care giver and care recipient.  I have to be vigilant about declining the urge to jump in and rescue.  I acknowledge it, but rarely act on it anymore.

LJ

[cash05458]

this is what I work for...not saving...saving has been my problem to be honest...I cant deal anymore via that Jim...this idea we do all to understand...no, it needs to be done and over... too much understanding kills us...just a bit too much...

[siochain]

I completely hear you about realizing the need to really heal instead of just bottling it up.

I'm not on the other side yet (still married to my pwBPD) but I'm leaning towards being able to get free soon.

And THEN the healing begins.

I agree that many of us have codependency. This can really show up in friendships as well. While it's great to have a true friend who we can really open up to, process things with, count on, who asks us how we're doing and really wants to know, getting to that point with someone is a process as well.

I come from a different culture where people invite strangers home to eat, and even spend the night. When I began adjusting to Western culture, I knew that wasn't the case here, but was still judging everything by a metric that doesn't work here.

Being with a pwBPD has opened my eyes to what's really going on socially. The fact is, there are so many people wandering around with all sorts of dysfunctions and disorders, and most people have at least known some, that people are understandably cautious.

If we're too open, or too eager, to get into a real, deep freindship with anyone, it sets off alarms. People assume we either don't have anything going for us, and that's why we open up too easily and quickly rather than guarding our lives, or worse, that we're crazy and they need to keep their distance.

I used to think that Americans are just shy, isolated and stifled, and it was my job to show them warmth and that you can make friends with someone quickly. But now I understand the dynamics I mentioned above.

What I'm getting at is, having a true friend that you can open up to and discuss really deep things with is something we have to earn. We feel them out first, and them us, and it's better not to even try to get deep for a very long time. Otherwise, we will keep finding ourselves in a cycle of meet new people, begin friendships, overshare due to our need to be understood/validated/get stuff off our chests, the person seems cool with it but then pulls back and we're isolated again.

tl;dr: We need to take our time making friends and understand that friends will be different levels, or concentric circles of closeness. We shouldn't be too eager to open up or share. This forum can take a lot of the burden off in the meantime.

[B53]

When things started really falling apart for me, I started asking myself what was in it for me. I couldn’t come up with much. A loving relationship is suppose to meet the needs of both people. It isn’t always equal, but it should balance out over time. I came to the conclusion that if it was one sided’ that would make me a caregiver, codependent, martyr or all three. I don’t think being any or all made me any more loving then him. I may be willing to give a little more of myself, due to circumstances but I’m not willing to totally sacrifice myself for anyone. Possible except might be my children depending on the circumstances.
B53

[BuildingFromScratch]

Cash: Yeah, I used to try to perfectly understand her, and defended her for years after the breakup. I needed to understand her, so I could offer her absolution from what she had done, so I could retain as much of my perfect image of her in my mind.

I think a part of that was just wanting to believe the lie that she was this perfect person, that I loved and that no one understood but me. Giving that up would mean that I would have to admit that a lot of the relationship was a lie, which was too much to admit for many years.

Also, I think she manipulated things to never take the blame, in order to preserve this false image of herself (narcissism). And that I took on this false image. So I got sucked into her denial. And honestly, I feel like I was manipulated into never seeing fault with her. This carried on for years after the relationship.

Realizing that the person you were with was deeply flawed and did horrible things is a tough pill to swallow, and if you don't swallow it, you can't really get down to a lot of your own hurt about the situation. I took me years to really allow myself to feel my anger towards her, without judging myself.

Siochain: Yeah, I do think a part of having self respect is building trust and intimacy slowly. I also think it's not very nice to dump on people. That being said, people seem so fragile these days, they can't deal with anyone's problems for even a short period of time. It's like you're not even supposed to mention anything heavy. And it's honestly pretty suffocating to people. It's to the point where, socially, you're supposed to always act in a good mood, because people don't want to deal with a bad mood. How cruel is it to not want to deal with other peoples issues so much that you just want them to "Shut up and smile". It's honestly very dysfunctional.

[Tobiasfunke]

This is everyone’s story. And at a certain point we all also thought no one could understand. It’s crazy how you can come on here pick almost any post and think to yourself did I write this.

But if you’re on here you’re in the right spot now