Stuck in a vortex

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son rages and sends abusive texts threatening suicide and telling me what a _____ty parent I am every time some outside force upsets him. He's pretty awful in the horrible things he says.
No amount of, I love you's, or begging him to talk to a therapist helps.
He says we won't help him, but won't say what help he's looking for.
He cant keep a job longer than a week. He hates the way he looks, and blames me for that too.  He will send 60 texts at a time, just raging that we won't help, that we are to blame, and that he can't go on like this.
He won't talk to a professional. He's lonely and angry and empty and it makes me sad for him, but abusive to us constantly. I can't help him, and we're stuck.

[Diskinnet]

My son rages and sends abusive texts threatening suicide and telling me what a _____ty parent I am every time some outside force upsets him. He's pretty awful in the horrible things he says.
No amount of, I love you's, or begging him to talk to a therapist helps.
He says we won't help him, but won't say what help he's looking for.
He cant keep a job longer than a week. He hates the way he looks, and blames me for that too.  He will send 60 texts at a time, just raging that we won't help, that we are to blame, and that he can't go on like this.
He won't talk to a professional. He's lonely and angry and empty and it makes me sad for him, but abusive to us constantly. I can't help him, and we're stuck.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

We are glad you wrote in.  It is very upsetting when our BPD adult kids rant at us even through text.  Good for you on understanding you have no control over his behavior.  The good news is that you don't have to be stuck even though your adult child is.  This takes a while to sink in ( for me at least), but you do have some choices that can "unstuck " you.  Your instinct to reach out to this forum is spot on, as we all need a network of support just for us , not the BPD.   Here you can check out the different links in the drop down menu, and familiarize yourself with BPD.  You can also gradually work on allowing yourself to know you have equal rights just as your adult son does.  You can choose to block the texts for __X___ amount of time .  You could text him and state any more abusive texts like ______ will result in _______ ( whatever the consequences you deem fit.  It can be blocking , no answer, etc).  Take it baby steps , but make sure it is something you are comfortable with enforcing . It is very important to not go back on whatever boundary you established with the BPD. As a mother, I personally carry a lot of guilt , grief, and still wanting to make it better for my adult son.  As a result , I have put up with / looked the other way on his behavior while he was living with me.  It didn't go away.  It got tremendously worse.  
What I am trying to say is protecting our adult kids from their actions doesn't help them. It definitely doesn't help us, the mothers/parents.
Please continue to write back to us as you are able, we are here for you.

[Swimmy55]

One more thought.( this is for me as well as for you):  You are going to have to be hard with him .  He will not like the boundaries.  That is ok.  He doesn't have to like the boundaries . 

[Resiliant]

Hi Diskinnet,

I can relate very well to what you said.  Swimmy had some very helpful words.

My son also sends multiple texts at a time, and much of what you said is familiar.   Having said this, it is not always.  For example he was doing extremely well this year, most of the spring and summer held good conversations.  Once Thanksgiving and Christmas came around he felt more isolated (he lives on the other side of the country) and the dysregulation started then and has continued until now.  I'm not sure when "Christmas" will be over but we are getting closer.

Can you share anything else about your son?   Maybe we can help each other...

R