BPD sibling flaring/ Health Care Worker Exhaustion

[formflier]

Absolutely, FF, I truly appreciate the help. I am resisting the urge to send as I want to keep her informed ( I have a problem with being hyper- responsible, serves me well in most aspects of my life, but not here). 
 

Any chance you are an ESTJ? 

That's me...to a t. 

I see so much of my earlier thinking/expressions in your writing.

This can get better over time...but as you are finding out, the transitions are very uncomfortable.  (and that's likely being polite...      )

Here is a "thinking" way of dealing with edits.  You know...you know that less words have more power.  Think of every word as something that can be taken out of context.  Make that hard for your pwBPD.

Remember..emotions are hard and need to be validated...not fixed..or argued with.

Best,

FF

[Mommydoc]

I am an ENFJ, I go back and forth between I/E and J/P, but am a strong consistent NF. 

I read part of the book “Emotional Blackmail” on my flight today and gaining lots of insights.  Stuff, I think I knew from earlier reading and therapy discussions, but I am beginning to put more of the dots together related to our relationship.  After I read “Walking on Eggshells” I felt increased empathy for her, and feeling that now, but also feeling empowered and better able to separate myself.  Biggest insight so far is that she is acting in response to prior events, specifically her perception that she has been deprived of the relationship she wanted with my father and mother, and I am the one who deprived her of that.  She sees me as DPOA as depriving her of her involvement with my mom and my mom being here as depriving her of being able to spend time with my mom in her last chapter.  COVID and my mothers challenges with communication by phone are making it even harder.  I can truly empathize with that.

I am off the next few days with my daughter looking for a place for her to live.  It’s nice to leave the hospital, my mom and sister on the back burner for a few days and focus on my daughter and her new home as she transitions from medical school to residency. 

My husband wanted me to wait on the email too, so trusting you  both.  Looking forward to your feedback and agree, less is more. 

[formflier]

Enjoy the flight.  Today is my first flight since...waaaay before covid.   Hanging out during my layover.

Best,

FF

[wantmorepeace]

Sometimes I find it hard to hold two things at once:  I empathize with the trauma my uBPD sibling has experienced and the pain in her life AND that doesn't mean I need to put up with being attacked.  Wondering if you find that hard too. 

[formflier]

Hey..sorry for the editing delay.

Have you worked more on the email or perhaps sent it?

I'm having a "desk day" trying to catch up on things, so I hope to have time to come back to your thread.

Best,

FF

[Naughty Nibbler]

MommyDoc:
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  I share a lot of your experiences.

My therapist ( who in many years has never told me what to do), told me that his very strong opinion was that therapy with her would be a huge mistake,   

My psychologist gave me similar advice.  Although she didn't do couples/family counseling, another psychologist in her office did.  She told me that usually one person gets upset and refuses to continue.

  She makes references to suing me, but I am not worried.

Don't be surprised at illogical lawsuits.  Lawyers will take cases that make no sense. Sometimes, I think clients must convince them of their distorted reality.

My sister actually did initiate a law suit against me, relative to a trust that we were co-trustees on (assets were split 50/50). Ironically, her actions doubled the time it would have taken to dissolve the trust.  Go figure.  I guess her vindictive actions made her feel better.

Oddly, she retained a lawyer after approx. 75% of the money was already distributed.  My sister wanted 50% of the remaining money immediately, before filing taxes and a final accounting. Instead of presenting some receipts and marching forward with necessary paperwork, she retained a lawyer and refused to cooperate with the final paperwork. 

In the end, she gained nothing, had to present the paperwork I had asked for before she retained the lawyer. She delayed getting the rest of her money, at a very high cost.  Our parents, who my sister repeatedly went to for help with money over the years, must have been rolling over in their graves about the thousands of dollars she wasted on an attorney.

Approx. 5 years ago, both my parent passed within a few months of each other.  At the beginning of the end, both were in different hospitals at the same time.  My mom never came home, after the first hospitalization.  From that time to her death, she was in 3 different hospitals and 2 different skilled nursing facilities.

During a difficult time, when one would hope to have a supportive sibling, I got episodes of "the silent treatment" and my sister would hang up the phone in mid conversation.  It was hard for me to fathom how my sister, who spend a lot of time going to church & bible study, could act the way she did. She had strong opinions of various hospital's and skilled nursing facilities' staff members.  She liked a few and hated others.

It all began, with my mom being hospitalized & she got a diagnosis of Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. (never had any symptoms before the diagnosis)  During her first week of hospitalization, my father fell at home & broke his neck. (I was with him at the time. It was during a span of time when my sister was giving me the silent treatment.).

Later, my sister tried to accuse me of hitting my dad and causing the fall, because of some facial bruised he got during the fall (likely from his walker or chairs nearby). I've never been physically abusive to anyone, but I did learn from my niece that my sister got into some physical altercations with her ex.

My dad had to have surgery & then passed about a week later.  Mom went to a skilled nursing facility, where she ended up with oral MRSA.  A couple months down the road, she ended up with another super bug, VRE. She had sepsis 3 times. The nail in her coffin happened, when she caught Influenza "A" from within the last skilled nursing home she was in.

Interestingly, my sister gave the okay to have my mom moved into a room, where the new roommate apparently had caught the flu from her visiting family.  Go figure.  We had just got our mom moved from a horrible room with 4 patients (mom was squeezed in the center), to a room where she was by a window & there was more room for us when we visited. I kept my thoughts to myself, but if I had given permission to move our mom to that room, with the ensuing Influenza "A", I would never have heard the end of it.

Again, sorry for what you are going through.  I choose to go NC with my sister.  She did leave a phone message, the November after we finally closed the trust.  Oddly, from her perspective, it was as if nothing had ever happened & she was suggesting that we meet at a restaurant for a Thanksgiving dinner out.  I did not respond.  For me, too much had happened.  I couldn't move on from a law suit & accusations of assaulting my dad, and other issues, without a lot of discussion.  It was too much for me to move on from.

[Mommydoc]

Wow, NaughtyNibbler, there are so many similarities.  I can only imagine the intensity of what you went through.  I am so sorry. My father also got MRSA during a hospitalization and struggled with recurrent MRSA sepsis and MRSA osteo, all of which likely contributed to making him more vulnerable to his cancer progression and death. Those were some horrible times, I can relate to the multiple SNF stays and hospitalizations, the unfounded blame. I anticipate the same path for my uBPD sibling and I when we have to disperse the trust. We are also co-trustees, of our parents estate.  I don’t believe she will sue, but I could care less about the money or fairness in dividing the estate.  I will make sure the grandchildren get what they were supposed to get, and beyond that, not really caring how it gets divided up. I can cede control to her on that.

Wantmorepeace, yes, it is a struggle to feel empathy for her and to also set boundaries on being constantly attacked, but it is definitely getting easier.  Ironically, one of my best friends is in a very similar situation with her sibling, and we are supporting each other. It is so much more clear when I am able to look at my friends situation and she at mine.  Her father (and last parent) passed last night and I need to be support her as part of her chosen family as her sibling is likely going to unravel in the coming days.  It is comforting to be there for each other.

And yes, FF, I revised it significantly and sent it.  Shorter, more direct.  My therapist said it was perfect.  I am sure it was far from perfect, but it was good enough.  I told her I understood that she would be angry and upset, and to take whatever time she needed to process and when we are both ready to have a calm conversation, we can schedule time to talk. I cut out the offer for family nights, therapy, etc.  but I  expressed love, caring and an intent to keep her in my life and to address her concerns. She will only read/see “the decision”.

FF, I hope things are moving forward positively with you and your daughter.  As a pediatrician, my experience with adolescents, is that all of them rebel and need to seek a safe place other than their parents to talk things through. It is a healthy sign when they express that need.  I strongly agree you need to assure that the counselor is qualified as a bad one, can make things much worse.  Good luck.

I delayed the actual move a few days, as I had some of my own concerns that I have been working through with the facility.  They have been responsive and the move is now scheduled for tomorrow.  I feel much better that this is the right thing for my mother.

So far, no contact.  ( I truly expected a series of name calling nasty emails and/or texts).  NC doesn’t impact me at all, so even though she thinks she is punishing me, it is a relief for now.  I know it won’t last, and what is coming and that is fine too.  I am ready for what comes today or in coming days to weeks. 

[formflier]

Good that it's shorter and good you ran it by your T.  I chuckled at your comments about NC. 

"Silent treatment" has actually been pretty rare in my relationship with FFw.  So the times she tried that "tool"...I actually found it restful...   

It will be interesting to see if your sis pick up on any words.

FFw triggers bigtime about "calm"...so "productive" seems to work for me.  Same effect without the trigger of "you are not calm"...where as "productive" is something that I can own.    As in "I'm not able to have a productive conversation in the middle of the night (and leave off the yelling part)

Regarding the trust and eventual disbursement.  I understand that you don't care, yet I would encourage you to make sure the distribution is even handed.  You don't want to "feed the beast".

If it is all money..then easily to split evenly.  If it's not money or mixed, then I would recommend you let her divide it in (x) number of even shares...no restrictions..she gets to determine what is even.  Then you get to pick the share you want.

or distribute shares via lottery.

That way the "splitter" realizes that they most likely will NOT get the share they want...

As to FF D15, yes we seem to be pleasant and cordial towards each other.  I think we have a first step solution in hand to chat with youth leadership at church (60 year old lady) and then see what D15 reveals.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

It seems if there is any dysfunction in the family, it shows itself during stressful times. I too was shocked at how abusive my BPD mother was during the time of my father's illness. His medical team assumed he was being cared for at home by his caring wife and she became the spokesperson for his medical care. I even called social services to see if I could intervene, but as long as my father was in sound mind, I could not. My father's role as her protector prevailed, and he aligned with her no matter what.

As difficult as it is with your sister, you are able to direct your mother's care. I think this will bring you peace of mind in the long run, no matter how your sister reacts.

[Mommydoc]

FFw triggers bigtime about "calm"...so "productive" seems to work for me.  Same effect without the trigger of "you are not calm"...where as "productive" is something that I can own.    As in "I'm not able to have a productive conversation in the middle of the night (and leave off the yelling part)

Regarding the trust and eventual disbursement.  I understand that you don't care, yet I would encourage you to make sure the distribution is even handed.  You don't want to "feed the beast".

If it is all money..then easily to split evenly.  If it's not money or mixed, then I would recommend you let her divide it in (x) number of even shares...no restrictions..she gets to determine what is even.  Then you get to pick the share you want.

Great learning for me, I can see where “productive” conversation is way less triggering than “calm”.  Thank you. In terms of the estate, good advice.  It is probably just my exhaustion talking, and wanting to avoid conflict.  We used to use the “split” techniquewith food servings with our kids when younger.  It works!

[Ouch9999]

Hi Mommydoc,

First of all, thank you for all your work on the front lines. It takes special people with the empathy and strength that you have shown in this thread. As others have said (and it sounds like you are doing), take care of yourself. You deserve it!

Second, your situation really resonates with me. My sister has been diagnosed with BPD (according to my niece) and our parents are in their early 90s. Thankfully they are both in good health and living independently. But I can see their mental aptitudes beginning to fray. I have POA and am a trustee on their estate, but my sister is not. I'm not sure if she knows that. For years she made her contempt for our parents clear (albeit passively), so they decided it would just be easier if I took care of things. I can handle the responsibility, but of course am not looking forward to when their next chapter begins to play out...as I type this I realize that my focus is more about how my sister will feel at that time than my parents, who will be the ones actually going through "the next chapter"...that's messed up...

Anyways, I don't have a ton to offer you in terms of advice, but it sounds like you are receiving a lot of sound support here and from your therapist. Like you, I am hyper-responsible and find it hard not to respond to communications and to not take action to resolve things that come up. But as I continue to hear from everyone with knowledge of BPD, that's the way to go, along with not getting too detailed but rather leaving things vague and open. I'm really happy to hear that you have a friend in a similar situation who can support you. I find that the most effective way for me to really "hear" something is to frame it as "what would I say to a friend going through this?". Having someone who can truly relate is valuable!

Sorry that you're going through this. But if it's any consolation, you're providing a teachable moment for some of us to use in the future (ugh). Hang in there, and please keep us updated. Just knowing someone else is in a similar situation helps!

[Drtakjh]

I am also a health care professional, also exhausted by COVID flares, and the sole wage earner for my family. As I am sure you understand, my coworkers are also drained and irritable which is VERY understandable but of course difficult. On top of all that my BPD sister is (like yours) flaring up over my parents’ care. They named me as MPOA due to my job skills and sister went ballistic about it. She wants to be able to talk to mom’s doctors. I have explained to her over and over that she needs to GET RELEASES FROM MOM and that MPOA has nothing to do with who can talk to doctors. But she persists in believing that if I wanted to I could get the doctors to talk to her. Mom told sister directly that she does not want her involved. Mom is getting forgetful but still has the ability to make that choice. My husband and I are doing all of the work (making doctors’ appointments, taking them to appointments, filling their pill boxes, etc.) Sister does not “believe in medication” so can’t ask her to help. Anyway too much about me, but I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for your COVID exhaustion, hope you can find rest, and hope you find the strength to deal with sister drama on top of everything else. Peace to you.