just getting started

hi! i'm here to learn more about living with a partner with bpd especially in a stepfamily.

i have gotten a lot better about not taking my partner's ups and downs personally. we have a lot of common interests and while I have a healthy personality i have also experienced some profound trauma and i have mental illness in my family. i'm ok mostly when things get really extreme for my partner because i know it's not mine and it's not me.

I can tolerate his emotional rollercoaster, but what scares me is that he has a hard time staying centered in his relationship with my son, who is 13. the kid is totally normal for his age, with all that means for an adolescent boy, and the relationship between the two of them is not going well and i don't know what to do or how to talk to my son about my partner.

my partner sees my son as an extension of my son's abusive dad. he still holds things against him from years ago, like when he was 11 and called my partner a dickhead once. he overreacts to my son's age appropriate interests and flubs and takes his lack of interest in my partner very seriously. he feels rejected that my son still connects with his father. it sounds like my partner is even using a lot of his therapy sessions to "work" on his relationship with my son but honestly i am the one parenting my son. he looks to me and connects with me and, given that he has seen my partner engaging in BPD behaviors, he doesn't really trust him. while my partner has tried, he has failed to build a functional bond with my son and his view of him is always quite a lot darker than i tend to think is justified.

at the same time, my partner is very thoughtful and conscientious and helps me track my son's grades and appointments and everything else. he notices when anything changes for my son and acknowledges and supports my duty to put my son first. his feelings about my son are obviously disproportionate and often disordered but he does have strong convictions about parental duties and the needs of children (he used to be a preschool teacher) that temper the imbalance.

my partner and I are a good fit on a lot of levels and i would like to stay together but sometimes we all get tired of the tension in his relationship with my son. thoughts?



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