How to Refocus?

[MilfordGranger]

I will try and give a brief summary, looking for advice.  We moved quite some distance about 9 months ago to be closer to my child from my first marriage (who that ex likely has Narcisstic PD with some borderline traits).  My current W loves the house, she picked it out, she will frequently state (in her good times and when she is feeling well) she knows she belongs here.  However, she is stuck on my ex and feels like we are "living under her thumb."  My ex will do things like "stalk" her Facebook (even though she is blocked), we are in the middle of a huge custody battle (essentially my ex wouldn't agree to our visitation schedule unless I paid her more money).  I just don't know what to do to be more supportive of my W, when she is at our house she is miserable, she has horrible anxiety (she states because of my ex).  She basically falls apart and I don't know how to make it better.  She basically will say that my ex has literally taken control of our lives.  I know some of this is vague, I can certainly clarify some, I'm just at a loss because there's not necessarily "tangible" things that are happening (part of what triggered me to write this was reading another post about "feelings are facts") to try and help make it better.  Any help is appreciated. 

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[kells76]

I just don't know what to do to be more supportive of my W, when she is at our house she is miserable, she has horrible anxiety (she states because of my ex).  She basically falls apart and I don't know how to make it better.

Am I tracking correctly that the general situation is:

You and your current W moved to be closer to your kid (good job, BTW!), and while the logistics (house, town, etc) are fine, the way your kid's mom interacts with your W is somehow messing with her -- even though there's nothing specifically concrete/tangible that your kid's mom may be doing. I.e., it's not like Ex physically stalks W or says specific things directly to her, but it's more nebulous. Your W is stressed out about this "can't put a finger on it" stuff in addition to the custody battle, and her perception is that you are also stressed out/consumed by dealings with your ex.

Is any of that close?

So I will say this, as someone married to a guy whose kids' mom has some challenging BPD-type traits (blaming, passive aggressive, manipulates the kids, etc etc, plus she remarried a uNPD guy, yay): it IS stressful and anxiety-inducing to be in a position where you're affected by a N/BPD's actions (whether concrete or intangible), but really not able to do anything to stop it. The stepparent role is one of a huge absence of control. If your W has PD-type traits (could be pretty mild / less than your ex, at least that is what I think I'm reading from you), then she will struggle deeply with feeling yanked around but not able to "do" anything to make the other person stop.

Are you two generally united on your perspective on what your ex is doing? You both see ex's behaviors as a problem, and impacting your life (though perhaps to different degrees)?

Am I guessing correctly that you are also stressed out about your ex, but at maybe a 4/10, and for your W, it's like a 9/10?

If you both are mostly on the same page that "wow babe, ex is such an anxiety-inducing person, she really stresses us out"...

I wonder if getting counseling together would help out.

Then it wouldn't single out your W as "you are the only one with a problem of falling apart under stress". It could be a "joining" thing: "Babe, all this  coming from ex is so draining... let's get support together, maybe we can learn some mindfulness techniques [or whatever] so our life in our home together has more peace for both of us..."

Not sure if you have tried that yet, but that's the first thing I can think of. And I'm in the thick of it, too, in that stepmom role, and it is a BIG challenge to try to let go and not let the ex "rent space in my head". DH and I have been married almost 8 years, and even today talking about kid stuff and the ex can be traumatic, and I mean that seriously. We still need a lot of help, and neither of us have a PD.

Feel free to share if this was close or missed the target...

kells76

[MilfordGranger]

That's close.

My ex certainly has issues and is over-interpreting it.  My current W clearly has some BPD traits.  She also has PTSD and some other underlying issues.  A good example is this evening I was talking about some PT job opportunities.  Her response was she'd be afraid my of my ex finding showing up.  That she was already having anxiety thinking about my ex finding out where she works.  She needs to be completely tapped out from her.  I have suggested counseling a few times, she's been kind of resistant.  I'm stressed about my ex, but more stressed at how she is able to do this to my current W and how to get her off of being so fixated on this.

COVID hasn't helped as we haven't really formed any new connections in the community etc.