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Author Topic: planning to file, thinking about the kids  (Read 84 times)
EyesUp
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« on: February 21, 2021, 08:39:37 AM »

I suspect my W is a CN. Since arriving here last year, I've learned a lot about the B-Cluster, and my W fits best in the covert sub-type, with some BPD elements in the mix.  Documented suicidal ideation, ongoing conflict, failed attempts at counseling, cycles of splitting increasing

My atty suggests proactively filing for D with temp orders for custody. A high conflict situation is anticipated, and I know my W is actively splitting, painting me black, etc.

Current situation is not healthy, kids feel it (3x girls, oldest is 12). The kids love their mom, were horrified when she was Section-12'd (MC called 911 in response to a suicide threat).

How do I communicate with them as this plays out? I think they will be horrified if they are separated from their mom (or dad), but it seems inevitable it will be one of us, and I don't want to wait for a false DV.  My atty's view is that the best way to get 50/50 or better is to file first with temp orders.

I will also speak with my IC this week, wondering if there is anyone here who filed first, and if so - how did you do it?

Added context: I don't have adequate resources to move out.  The assumption is that my W will seek (and receive) assistance from her family. 

TIA.
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SamwizeGamgee
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« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2021, 05:41:23 PM »

Have your game plan, at least the next five or ten steps, figured out ahead of time. Once things start to roll, they can move quickly.

You may want to consult with a couple of attorneys. Most are fine, but, some just want to stir the pot, for profit, or whatever. Plus, they might not really know as much as you do by now concerning your W patterns of behavior.

Deciding is very tough. Once I filed, all doubt about whether I was doing the right thing vaporized. She did everything by the book almost - and I mean the book Splitting. Including blaming me for all kinds of awful behavior. But, it took me deciding and acting to get that confirmation. It does support your eventual claim that you were in an intolerable marriage if you are the one who filed. But claims like that, as well as most talk of diagnosis from non-psychologists doesn't mean a thing to a busy judge. So, don't worry about naming the right disorder.

I know this sounds super corny, but, what does your gut say?
I finally listened to mine, and it's been a sure thing - to give me the courage to move forward against the odds.

Kids will benefit from having at least one parent with his feet on the ground. Be there, be steady.

Oh, have you read the Splitting book. Eerily correct for a lot of us.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2021, 05:56:48 PM »

Divorce court has it's own sort of reality and gotcha surprises.  Your experienced lawyer can help you avoid the common mistakes and pitfalls.  Especially helpful is the Splitting handbook.

Don't feel you have to be super-fair to your spouse, court will do a surprisingly diligent job of making sure it or her attorney extends every possible excuse and defense to the female spouse.

Just stand up for yourself and the children and you'll do fine.

One very important caution:  The longer you wait to decide which path to take, the less urgency the court will see to be considered.  To illustrate, if you called emergency services and said, "My garage was on fire last year" (or "My spouse was raging and threatening to {whatever} last year") the response would probably be, "This isn't an emergency.  Call back when you have an ongoing emergency."

Though you can initiate a divorce anytime, typically your greater leverage for the divorce process to follow your lead is doing so sooner, not later.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2021, 06:02:11 PM by ForeverDad » Logged

livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2021, 02:12:47 PM »

How do I communicate with them as this plays out?

What is their relationship with you like?

Do they seem to trust you? Does their seem to be any contempt (often parroting parent behaviors, like eye-rolling, etc.) toward you?

I think they will be horrified if they are separated from their mom (or dad), but it seems inevitable it will be one of us, and I don't want to wait for a false DV.

I'm not sure I'm following here. Do you fear a false allegation is coming your way?

My atty's view is that the best way to get 50/50 or better is to file first with temp orders.


The more advance prep you do, the better. Plan 10 or 15 steps ahead and have contingencies for anything you can think of.

For example, if you fear a false allegation, find out how local law enforcement respond to 911 calls (some states are mandatory dual arrest, some will arrest the person who looks more capable of doing harm, etc.), have the name and number of a criminal attorney to call, etc. Some people will record if they're in a one-party consent state.

I will also speak with my IC this week, wondering if there is anyone here who filed first, and if so - how did you do it?

I filed first. I left the home, which was becoming increasingly dangerous the more certain I was about leaving. These can be hard things to hide from people who are preternaturally wired to pick up signs of rejection ...

Once I was out of the house we served n/BPDx at home using a sheriff as process server.

Like your stbx, my n/BPDx had covert narcissistic traits.

The professionals involved in our case stroked his ego in order to minimize conflict. Even the judge. It's hard to stomach the sight of this when you're still processing your own emotions. I would say 25 percent of the time applying CN skills were effective and 75 percent of the time we just had to move ahead like it was business and deal with the tantrums and fall out and whatnot.

The best turning point for me came when I read another of Eddy's books, Don't Alienate the Kids. That was an aha moment about paying attention to my own state of mind and what it meant for my son's emotional resilience. From there I went to Divorce Poison by Warshak, the Power of Validation (for parents), and anything by Craig Childress. Parental alienation really unleashed once I was split fully black. This is the other battle, the one for the hearts and souls of your kids. As the NPD/BPD parent loses, or falls into a one-down position, they typically ramp up the competition for loyalty from the kids. You need to know specific skills for handling that stuff, skills that aren't intuitive and must be learned.


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« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2021, 04:05:46 PM »

Chances are kids know more than you suspect.  And this will come out if they are away from the mom a bit. 

Just like us, they are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).  It eventually dissipates..  my oldest (14 at the time) discovered that it was his mom caused all his body aches (chronic pain), frequent urination when he was young (would go pee 5 times before we'd leave the house), major constipation as a kid..  it turns out that all of this due to the stress of walking on eggshells daily. It's all gone now.   My youngest one (10 at the time) ended up with an attachment disorder which explains his poor emotional control and suicidal thoughts for a few years.  Both are doing much better now that they aren't seeing their mom as much. And at the beginning I kept thinking that "50-50 is the way to go, the kids need their mom, their mom needs her kids".  It took me months to see what the situation was really like.

I say cover your ass, record and document. Once the genie is out of the bottle, it ain't going back in and it can turn explosive.  So focus on the evidence and the truth.  Be there for the kids, it will be difficult at first, they'll lash on you (because their mom will likely say that you ruined the family, or in their mind they'll think that you made her crazy) but eventually they'll open.  It's difficult but it gets much better.

 
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