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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My Experience A year later  (Read 44 times)

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 3

« on: February 23, 2021, 01:00:05 PM »

Hello dear friends,
I wanted to share my french story here and have some feedback if anyone relates.

Five years ago, I was 33, she was 28 and a single mom. Red flags start here already Smiling (click to insert in post)
back then, I was tired of dating or having meaningless r/s. I always wanted (and still want) a family with children.
So, that halloween night in a club, a girl showed up and presented me to her friend who couldn't do it herself. She had already noticed me at the gym (as she said later) and was wondering if I was single... The story started here.
She told me about her child the first night and the next time we met (first date).

I liked her, she was a beautiful girl, and there was no "talk" about the nature of the r/s, so I didn't really care. some weeks/months later, things started to become serious, so I told her I can't project an LTR with her, given her situation. I was direct, sincere but still having doubts.
My family didn't help me with that neither, they were by far convinced that this would be a mistake too (my father even told me that he'll never understand why the most intelligent people often do the dumbest choices). And I don't project to cut loose my family, If I'm willing to do st, I want to do it in a smart way without going to clash. I realised later that they were more open than I was imagining, they did welcome her very well (despite her behavior that will come further).

So, this was a struggle during almost 1 year, to get to the point when I said I was OK. fights, arguments, overthinking, stress... But I was there for her, I always did. But I can understand the feeling of rejection during that period.
She showed me a mothering love that I wasn't expecting, was telling me each time I weakened how much she wanted this r/s with me, that she was waiting for somelone like me... and nothing she said or done was excessive/manipulative to alert me. And I believe I'm a skeptical guy, I would have noticed.
she kept the "mothering" thing quite till the end of the r/s (except when there was issues) but it wasn't as in the 2nd/3rd year of r/s. I'm not sure if we can call that really a lovebombing, but I discovered later that nothing from her side was that spontaneous and for free, and despite all what I was also doing for her, it was considered as nothing compared to her efforts.

starting from that moment, for me, everything should have been OK. she seemed happy, I was. For me we were on the second page of our own book that should go on forever. she seemed to value like me : loyalty, love, family... she used to told me how she feels disgusted when people cheat with some examples from her family or former friends. I had no reasons to doubt her feelings about that. That's was what I was looking for too.

But, as you could guess, the dust never settled. fights, accusations of infidelity (although I had only one friend female/acquaintance living in another town that she indirectly chased from my contacts because this friend made some friendly smacks with me and multiple other friends years before I met her. I understood her feeling and I started ignoring my friend's rare "yearly text" or so).

There were long arguments sometimes (I learnt after the breakup that it was gaslighting) fights when 3 times she hit me. Some insults that she never accepted as insults.
but that was like 10% of the whole r/s. The rest was "the fantastic woman I wanted" litterally.

The thing is that I'm a string though guy with too much personality. gaslighting never worked on me (I led her to admit she was wrong most of the time... a huge waste of energy). I'm a physically strong guy too, so her hitting me wasn't a weakness to me, because I was able to break her with one movement If I wanted. The devaluation neither, never reached me I knew who I was (and she always told me how she valued me and my achievements the rest of the time, so I knew It was out of anger) but I never accepted anything from her I always replied strongly and showed what I accept or not. After big issues, I generally withdrew, and she finally came back to me within a day or two asking for forgivness (once she kneeled... wich I refuse as an attitude) there was a lot of drama there.
I'm not really an empath and I can show no mercy in several situations, but my nature and my education made me a fair man who refuses to see others "in such weakness positions begging for forgivness" without doing st.

almost at any divergence or argument, she concluded that I was playing her and that I'm not serious about the r/s. No benefit of the doubt, many times I felt as an oponent, not a partner.
And most of the time, the issue was what she said, or what she did...

I ended up marrying her and moving in together (in her appartment, because of child's school) after 3 years or R/S. Not to end the problems, but I thought as a consequence, she would also stop thinking I'm not committed, but... that was not the case.
things were worse after the wedding. more fights out of nowhere and verbal attacks became bolder (that what was really giving me headaches, how a wife who cuts her husband's fingernails and cuddles him when he's asleep the night before could tell him "you're not a man", "you are sexually frustrated"... the next day just because he doesn't agree to st insignificant)
She started doubting wanting to have children 2 months after the wedding... But she backed off when she saw my reaction and how I see people who update their promises. I told her that there's no r/s if she's not into it anymore.
I left the house twice for a week each, after a fight. First time, she asked me clearly to "find somewhere to sleep" (she denied saying that after she came to apologize at my workplace. It was a misunderstanding afasc Smiling (click to insert in post) ) the second time was because of some texts that I didn't like with the child father, she promised all exchanges were "logistic" but I found there were more friendly content there. then things escalated... at the end she told me she can't tolerate me feeling bad at home, so I left.

Third and last time, she provoked a huge scandal at my parent's place (out of nowhere of course) in the middle of the night, she wanted to get to the airport "now" and wanted to call her father to tell him how she was mistreated... I couldn't handle this even though I wanted to keep quiet...
Once back home, I started talking about divorce. It took me 3 weeks of reflexion (I did not accept any apologies or hugs). One day, when I was thinking maybe we can still work things together, I took an old phone to stalk (bad I know). I wanted to know what she felt really, by reading what she told her friends...
I wasn't suspecting anything else, but ... surprise... she was preparing (her initiative) a date with a guy who seemed to be an old F* friend.
I packed my stuff and left in 1 hour (she wasn't home).
she called me later, yelled, insulted, threatned... I stayed almost quiet and didn't even say why I left.
We started preparing the divorce with lawyers. I kept my pain for me, and I didn't want to disclose that I checked the phone to avoid additional issues with the divorce.
A week later her son texted me, at the begining I thought it was him but I knew she was behind the phone pretending. he (she) told me that she was pregnant and that I should come back "with flowers" what will make surely the mother "happy".
I knew at 99% that she wasn't (she was on her period the week before I leave), but yeah, fragility, 1% medical possibility... so i cantacted her to meet. she wanted to play it hard to get at the begining, but we met 2 days later.
She confirmed she was pregnant. I told her why I left... she laughed at it and said I was mistaking. The stupid part of me wanted to believe that, and to believe that there was really a baby there.
1 month of lies, fake medical reports and promises she was wanting to work things together.
I felt guilty for my passive-agressive behavior before I leave, so I let her breath (she was doing more than just breathing I guess).
But nothing became better. implusivity, verbal attacks as usual at the end of each discussion. Each time she crossed the line I reacted the same and left immediately until she reached out.
She was lying also about what she was doing, and where she was...
She suggested to go on a weekend to have more time... she ruined it, first by admitting the pregnancy lie, then by avoiding to show some proofs of loyalty during the last days. Some implusivity, accusations of cheating, triangulations like "world is filled by gus who could take me on weekend all the time"... so I ended it by saturday morning (I was accused to have a date wich explains why I wanted to leave the hotel Smiling (click to insert in post) ).
on the road, she tried to send the car to the ditch, but denied it after that. she refused for a while to get out of my car so I left her inside in front of her appartment (I realised days later she threw some stuff, and damaged the seats with a knife). A friend of mine, came later and she accepted to get out.
I gave my lawyer additional documents to move forward with the procedure.
1 week later she came to the gym, and started kissing me like she never did before in my car, we had sex inside (what she used against me later to tell me I mistreated her).

two weeks later, we had a fight because of the same verbal abuse, so I left. The next day, she called me to ask if it was for good, some provocations from her side, and she went silent. she never received my last answer text after accusing me of "discarding her like she never mattered".
1 month later I asked her by email for her lawyer name (plain question, nothing else) she asked me to never contact her again (I wasn't, It was just necessary to move forward), and told me by the way she had a a camplaint against me (never knew if it was true or just one last lie).

1 year of marriage, and it was over. disappointing as experience, but it could have been worse. I would have lost a lot of time thninking I was with a faithful woman.
Till now I can't even rule who really abandoned the other. anyway It doesn't matter.

After that last time when I saw her, I started deciphering and opening my eyes. Then I discovered the cluster B and BPD. And I'm quite sure she was although I'm no professional.
She had alcoholic parents, divorced, absent father, smoking mother that she lost to cancer 2 years before I met her. she attempted suicide at 15. wut she seemed fine when I met her, she has all her sh* together, so I thought it was OK.
she had a delayed grief (for her mother) when we were together, I was supportive. I was supportive too when she lost an old member of her family, but she rewarded me with the scandal at my parent's house.
she started to have panic attacks, I was considering not stresing her with anything during that time, but sometimes she would provoke me or yell at me, and once I start raising my voice and putting her in her place... hello, panic attack.

Now, I take for granted the cheating with that guy, probably multiple times as I never came back home. but my guts are telling me that It wasn't the first time. If I trust my instinct, when we had fights, I would go to friends or stay alone and think about it, but she always went to some ambiguous "hangouts" or friends, so I don't know if she cheated punctually or not, but most likely it was a yes, although I have no proof.
she manipulated me with the pregnancy, so I recalled when she had an abortion after 1 year of r/s. she never let me be there subtly, and used "my absence" later to accuse me of not caring.
she wanted us badly to move in together, so once she told me she was aggressed (not raped) in her parking, but didn't want me to do anything about it with some explanations. I guess that also was fake.
she also used her son against me sometimes (by hanging some parent's photos in his room, photos that weren't there before and denying the fact for example, or telling me the boy was crying before you came while he was smiling when I arrived, I don't even know what outcome she was expecting. she also wanted sometimes to put him between us when we were arguing in our room, I guess because she wanted to escape the situation. For example, when I talked about a possible divorce because of her behavior, she asked me to go to the boy and tell him I'm going to leave... what a leverage to resolve the issue... sometimes out of nowhere she accused me of hating him, to put me on the defensive).

I didn't like the fact that she's the kind of woman valuing (on paper) only serious r/s and marriage, but she keeps guys in the backburner passively or actively (even if she contacted them only at the end of our r/s and not before). This wasn't the woman she sells herself as, and surely not the king of women I want to date or marry.
what kind of toughts a woman like that could have during your r/s, or during issues periods for the couple? still thinking about other F* buddies...
AFAIC, a woman like that does not respect herslef, so I feel ashamed of having given her the respect that she doesn't deserve.
I feel as I was tricked smartly, she was hiding well who she was and what she was doing. I trusted the daily behavior that showed me she loved me more than I could love her, on a quite consistent basis.
It's the first time I date someone of that kind. I can sense any woman who's not interested enough, or a woman who starts to be distant, but this...

I'm a resilient guy, though, self made, strong enough. I didn't doubt myself, did not fall for the gaslighting. I already worked on some codependancy traits years before (It wasn't enough, I should cut people loose and stick to my decision, lesson learnt now) but I was misled.

I know my flaws too, I already worked on many during the r/s, but nothing major really. stuff like not being enough romantic...
she, herself, acknowledged many times that I'm a very masculine guy who sticks to his principles, and who knows to find compromises, to listen to reasonable complaints.

BPD explains all that, and I'm quite intelligent to know that all the cognitive dissonance is a mind trick, yet it's hard to avoid.
All this happened a year ago (the divorce is over since 4 months), right before the lockdown, so 2020 was a tough year, and it's still going. being still single (mostly because of the quarantine) don't help neither, and there's no opportunities right now for me anyway.
I have no major issues, my life is quite good, I sleep well since a year ago, I eat well, I do sport everyday (as during the 10 past years) I'm fit. But the mind can't be tricked till there's a semblance of life out there, and I find myself every now and then thinking about some flashbacks.

Thanks for reading this very long story.

cheers from France
« Last Edit: February 23, 2021, 01:16:21 PM by FrenchyGuy » Logged

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 3

« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2021, 03:15:58 PM »

first, I apologize for all the typing errors, english isn't my mother tongue. I hope it's not giving you a hard time to read & understand.

I found this summarized version that I have posted a while ago on youtube. It contains the essential parts of the story and other detailed stuff. Especially the 3 months after I left, the period that makes me feel weak (I hate that  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)), when I used to display strength and pride during the whole r/s which is my real nature without faking.

I've been through this during 4 years. and as many, I did the analysis and dicovered the cluster B after the divorce started, which makes me sure only up to 90% she has BPD.
without knowing anything about gaslighting, splitting... I was managing it quite "well". I'm a tough man with much personality, and I never let her get away with any wrong she tried to do to me. I stood for myself all the time, and confronted her with the facts (but got angry too and yelled and had bad reactions sometimes after a provocation). but all this takes a lot of energy.
I made her apologize, admit some of her wrongs, even made her better at "not" gaslighting. Anyway it wasn't working on me! I used to say to her that she was living in an alternate reality.
she was very caring, very close, had the same projects of life as me (family, fidelity, stability, love, enmeshment...).

She had a sad childhood with divorced alcoholic parents, a family used to cheating and stabbing in the back (what she told me). she attempted suicide at 15 and kept surgery scars on her back. she lost her mom to cancer 3 years before we meet .
I met her at 28, she looked fine, independent, knowing what she wants... So I didn't take her past into consideration as I should've.

she faked a pregnancy/abortion after 1 year to make me more committed to her, then faked an agression to make me propose to move in together... I stood, and went slowly step by step as if nothing happened, but she was trying to make me feel guilty, not protecting her (as I believed her fake stories back then, the guilt worked).
she was vindicative (very), impulsive (positive & negative) she would doubt my sincerity and commitment even after the wedding. She would quit her work and come to mine to settle an argument on the parking, or rage and explode while nothing significant justifies it...
The disrespectful words and accusations of infidelity grew in number after the marriage (1 year), she would call me "not a man", "sexually frustrated" (that's my reward for being supportive and patient while she had medical issues), sometimes (very few) direct insults... while I was trying to do things right for both of us. I was very faithful.
After a scandal in my parent's place, I told her I was considering divorce (with hesitation) and rejected her attempts to charm me (It was not the first time, I was fed up) 3 weeks later she was already contacting what seemed to be a F*** Friend (I checked her texts, I felt the need to).
I left the house without telling the exact reason (I didn't want to reveal I checked the phone), we started the divorce. 1 week later she took her son's phone (she's a single mom) and texted me for 2 hours pretending to be the boy. "he" told me she was pregnant, that they will take care "alone" of the child, that his mother will be happy if I came back with flowers... I knew none of it was true, I knew it was her behind the phone, but I still contacted her to meet & talk outside (the manipulation worked on me...what if I was mistaking...) so I confronted her with her "date" that she denied "easily", and confirmed she was pregnant. I asked later for medical reports, about her state... she was faking everything during a month. Then one day, the magic happened, misscarriage! 1 week later she admitted that she was lying.
This wasn't the only lie during that period! I think she was messing around with that same guy, or other guys maybe.
But somehow I managed to give her chances to proof her fidelity and her desire to fix things. that was wrong.
she was still talking badly to me at the end of each conversation (which I responded to, very severely! and left each time) , by december 2019, she cut her phone accusing me of abandoning her...
3 months of fake informations, lying, manipulations, destroying some of my stuff (she threw some, cut my car seats, tried to send the car to the ditch when I was driving once... and denied it... we were alone in the car and she dared denying!!), and sabotaging consciously or inconsciously the work i was doing (I was still out of the house). I wasn't really submissive or chasing her, I was still tough and standing for myself, taking distance, letting her come to me... I was only giving her the chance to show her guts. But I believe now It wasn't a clever idea. I should have never came back, or at least withdrew after the "denied" infidelity or after admitting the fake pregnancy.
Few weeks later, I had to contact her to get her lawyer name (via email), she got angry and told me she went to the police to make a complaint (I don't know if it's true or not, and what kind of lies she did put in... WTF?!!..). later, she asked for a lot of money "for only 1 year of marriage"... the irony when I remember she was the one accusing me of having problems with money...

I believe, now, she wasn't that faithful during the relationship, at least when we had issues. plus the "real" case at the end.
It's crazy to think that when this women wants badly to have an ambiguity-free relationship (regarding the fidelity), which I did, she was the one playing behind my back most likely. I'm not sure 100% because I have no concrete proof, but the end of the relationship and some specific events made me believe that.
She used to tell me I was the one! and told everybody around her about that, including a woman I trust (still) who told me the "real love" she had for me, and how she was longing to make the relationship work.
I usually don't trust this kind of GREAT love words (the one, forever...) but with repetition, and multiple sources... one starts to believe it's true to some extent. Now, back to square 1. I believe the next guy is already/will be "the one" too Smiling (click to insert in post)
She loved me when there was drama, but when everything was ok... she needed problems seemingly! she needed the father she didn't grow enough with, I guess. she needed both being loved & being nasty and punished. a sort of permanent rollercoaster.

the divorce is now over. And I feel really even better, but as many, I still take the diagnostic of her BPD with a grain of salt. try to understand sometimes how she was cuddling and kissing me during my sleep in the morning, then when we had issues she could already be cheating (or at least prospecting)... BPD explains all that, but It's still hard to convince the mind entirely. this congnitive dissonnance isn't easy.
« Last Edit: February 23, 2021, 03:26:26 PM by FrenchyGuy » Logged
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