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Author Topic: Will she change her ways ?  (Read 312 times)
Unsure101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: February 28, 2021, 04:57:05 AM »

Ok , so me and the ex decided to move in again together in September / October time, things were up and down, some days we share the bed, some times she throws a tantrum says I'm done, and she can't wait to move out, and sleeps in the spare room.

We're still having sex every now and then , but recently I've heard her having phone calls with other guys in the middle of the night.

Today, I was awoken by noises , and the door bell went , and she jumped into another guys car.

I questioned what she was up to , and if she'll be back tonight, and she said she doesn't know. Obviously she has a habit of vanishing acts for a few days, as I believe most bpds do.

Anyway , in haist I said make sure you don't f*uck him on the first date... Which is probably a retractable mistake on my part.

Anyway, I get the impression once again were going on this merry go round, where she finds an alternative guy, dips her toes in the water, and returns.

But I've tried everything to change this, Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) , I can't keep on wasting much more time, this is like our 5-6 year off and on.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2021, 11:42:54 AM »

What keeps you in this relationship?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2021, 01:06:20 PM »

I'm confused... So you are consciously staying in a relationship with someone who openly and repeatedly cheats on you???
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Unsure101
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« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2021, 02:05:43 PM »

What keeps you in this relationship?
I was under the impression that all BPD relationships are like this.

Anyway , confronted her tonight, she says she did end up sleeping with the guy, turns out it was her ex, and she was in a bad way recently, and she did it for some short relief.

Anyway, she says what does it matter, were not officially together, we split approx two years ago, and even though we sleep together, etc the relationship isn't defined, so she has no guilt.

I was so close to saying to her, get your stuff and go but didn't have the courage.


Anyway, she's gone out again , to clear her head, no doubt to see him.

I'm heart broken, but unfortunately she has a point, were not technically together, so even though it's wrong and I see it as cheating, she doesn't class it as such.

So I'm in a right muddle, I feel sick.

And answering the second post, I'm sticking around as I'm dying for her to change and keep telling myself, she'll stop.

I guess this will phase out as when she was speaking to me today whilst crying as I was confronting her she was saying I do still love you.

But I'm pretty much screwed here, not just a little, but really and utterly, completely. She knows I don't have the guts to tell her to get lost, whilst at the same time she's actively having sex with someone else . I know if it was me, seeing another girl all hell would break lose.

Thing is we were actively trying for a baby, like we had sex a few times recently, if she falls pregnant now, I'm going to be really concerned, as I can't be happy as I'll have doubt for 9 months over the father .

Anyway, what should I do Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

I literally feel sick, and she blames me saying I wasn't as emotional with her. And broken attracts broken, whilst I had the perfect upbringing. Pretty sure this has only came to light as her ex tried to kill himself the other week .
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Unsure101
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« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2021, 02:18:22 PM »

Will the no contact thing work / ignoring her ?, Although , that would be difficult living together and all, unless he convinces her to move in with him again, no doubt it's heading that way anyway, and I'm in complete denial.

Should I try hooking up with other girls ?

One thing she did say is, he shown her a bit of love and I ignored her, bear in mind she's been on a down these last few weeks, either sleeping , argumentative, or just being pretty quiet when we're together.

And she also said how she felt lonely, and I was always busy working, also bear in mind, she's been took out of work atm, and been put on sick leave . I can't leave my job , she needs to be realistic here, yes , I do work , but even if I wanted to drop some hours to spend more time with her, I don't feel I could rely on her to support the bills, she's only just about paying me rent money atm.

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ThanksForPlaying
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« Reply #5 on: March 01, 2021, 06:36:49 PM »

Please don't start changing your life to chase whatever she thinks she "wants". That goalpost will always keep moving further away.

You have a balanced schedule - work, relationship, self - in some order. You're paying your bills, which is good. Don't stop that, and don't start trying to spend more time with her to fill an unfillable emotional hole. You CAN work on being more "present" and focused on her when you are together - during your "relationship" hours. But during your "work" and "self" hours, try to stay focused on those things.

As for the cheating stuff, you've already let go of that boundary, and I'm not judging you for it. That's your decision. But don't start letting other boundaries slip too - it just gets harder.
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Unsure101
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« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2021, 01:54:19 PM »

I'm still a bit confused, I tried giving her the silent treatment, as she really did annoy me by sleeping with her ex, but gradually we started talking again, it's hard to ignore her, and it's harder when you're living together.

Anyway, she tried to open communication, asked me how my day was, sent me a few messages on messenger, nothing big, only funny ones about our pet.

Anyway, she's been posting some obscure statuses on Facebook, about either me or her ex, it's hard to know who.

Anyway, we made cake together yesterday which was nice, nothing sinister, and she hasn't slept in my bed since I confronted her over sleeping with her ex.

Anyway she's gone out again.

I literally don't know what to do, I don't want to tell her when she can go out and who she can see as she needs friends, and may even be at her mum's, I mean it's doubtful, but it's a strong possibility, think she was over there last Friday.

But I dunno if I should chase her, or let her chase me. I mean it's a bit messed up. And maybe I am over reacting a little on the whole she slept with someone thing, yes it was a PLEASE READty thing to do, but in the Facebook sense, were not in a physical relationship I guess.
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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2021, 02:22:49 PM »

Will she change her ways? No, why would she, she has her perfect life. She gets you to be the guy always saying its okay, worried about her, will take care of her kid whether or not its yours, a bed she sleeps in when she feels like, ignores when she doesn't, she gets you as the safe zone to always come back to so she doesn't feel abandoned but gets to jet off and bang randos/exes when she is bored, unhappy wants to feel excitement. There is not a single reason for her to change. She gets everything with no consequences. To protect that she will string you along, lie, manipulate, and use other emotional blackmail. Whether or not someone has a personality disorder if people let them get whatever they want, they will continue to do so. There are no judgments here, all of us care about someone who is driving us crazy, wondering why they can't just be decent caring people and attempt to treat the people in their lives with respect, trust and empathy. You have to decide what you can take and what you can't. Way easier said than done but they only way to find any sense of peace or solid ground for yourself.
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« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2021, 11:29:18 PM »

the tactics you are attempting are toxic for a relationship - whether youre trying to improve it, or trying to reconcile it.

thats not a judgment. you love this person and want her back. youre throwing things at the wall and trying to see what sticks.

what sticks is positioning yourself in an attractive light. integrity, dignity, good boundaries, and consistency.

if a relationship is over, really over, those things arent guaranteed to win someone back. sometimes you can do everything right, but the time is just up.

its not clear whether or not thats the case here. as you say, this relationship has ended and reconciled before. but thats really the point, isnt it? if you want a long term relationship with this person, you need to lay a healthy, long term foundation. ignoring her for sleeping with someone when you arent her boyfriend is just passive aggression.

i think a good starting point might be exploring why the two of you have broken up so many times in the past, and what, if anything, would be different if you were to get back together.
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2021, 02:09:23 PM »

Empty the house bare, move out, and stop paying the rent/mortgage
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