Thebottom10
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 3
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« on: March 11, 2021, 10:35:56 PM » |
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Hello,
This is first post of any kind and I am grateful I found your site. I have been reading about others that are married to a spouse with BPD and it has giving me some support, this seems like a logical next step.
Here is a little background. I am married to an undiagnosed BPD. My wife and I just had our 5 year wedding anniversary and we have a 3 year old child. Our marriage started off wonderful and I was 100% committed to starting a family and growing that family, providing for them and try to be a great dad and husband. I am a great dad, I am a good husband. I am know I am not perfect in anyway but I put in the effort at work and home to make sure my family is safe, happy and healthy. I am not writing any of this to say I am the the best husband or father but I know, my family knows and my friends know my character.
I have learned a lot about myself during this pandemic. I guess it’s one of the benefits to being home so much. I started seeing a therapist in June of 2020, I should have started seeing one years ago. I have since learned that I am a co-dependent, I put other people’s happiness before my own and I know now that is one of my faults...it stifles my communication. After I was married my wife and I waited almost a year to start having children, during that time life was easier, less pressure and I did not see many of the BPD traits in my wife that are present now ( though they were always there) she did not have to much to be triggered by, we were in our honeymoon phase still. Once we had our child, that changed. My wife did have postpartum, and she also has ADHD. After the baby she got triggered a lot more and slowly but surly I began to start walking on eggshells. I would come home from work and she would tell me this marriage has failed and we need to divorce. We would be on a trip in an amazing place and she would be triggered and tell me how this marriage is not going to work, how we need to divorce. Now a few years later this has happened many times. I have gotten letters telling me she does not love me anymore, I have gotten things thrown at me, I have been hit, just once and have been the victim of so much toxic venom about my family that my wife was not invited to the holidays this year. My wife has targeted my family, especially my mother who I am close too. One day she was triggered because I said that her and my mother were not a close as they once were and she decided to text me and my mother about how hurt she was and how hurtful my mother has been, this lead to a long text message from my wife essentially saying that if we separate it’s all me and my families fault. Then proceeds to say that she has never nor would never put a wedge between me and my family. Sometimes It’s like I am talking to someone from a different planet. On a trip with our friends she got triggered and blows up in front of them...they can see how unhappy I am and want to be there for me but do not want to be around us as a couple. I could give you 50 examples of all the times my wife has been triggered...the boundaries she has crossed. In the latest ones she has threatened to kill herself and has done this 3 times in the last 6 months. One of the hardest things is that everything is my fault, and when we split it will all be my fault. This has led to me walking on eggshells, in fact it has led to me walking on land mines. After one of these blow ups, she is fine the next day or day after like nothing has happened while I keep getting more and more effected, more distant. I feel so alone and she says that I have emotionally abandoned her as well...I can honestly say that’s the reason, it’s hard to communicate, and when I do it has to be what she wants to hear or else we go back on our marry go round of blame. Also if I do not communicate in the right way, the right tone or even sensitive structure that could also lead to her being triggered. When she gets this way, she wants to talk and talk for hours, which I do but usually ends up leading to me saying I want to separate which at that point the guilt trip starts saying that I am abandoning her, that I will never have another relationship, that this is how relationships are ( if that is true I am happy to be single ), and how I am destroying our family.
Earlier I said that she is in undiagnosed and she still is and I am not a doctor. I have come to this conclusion as well as my therapist from the many examples I have read and how she reacts etc. I have asked her to get real help, she started seeing a astrologist / therapist and insists she does not have BDP. Maybe it’s another type B personality disorder but she will not seek treatment and denies having any type b disorder whatsoever. We have gone to counseling and I am the one who wanted to go, set it up and sometimes she did not want to go, did not like the therapist etc. After this past blow up with my family she said we needed real counseling but since I have not set it up, set up a time, paid and made sure it’s someone she has approved, we have not gone. I know we need to go.
Now I have not even touched on our home life. I know that she was no Betty Crocker type wife and I was fine with that...however I work, pay all the bills, make dinner, clean up, get our child ready for school before work, make their lunch, get their hair combed, do bath, bedtime etc. (she does not work and says that because of the pandemic she lost her job but in all the years before she has never worked more than a few hours a week) I do not do this 100 percent of the time but 80 percent would be a honest and fair assessment. I do more and more at home because it has to get done and this had led to a ton of resentment on my part. It’s almost like if I don’t tell her what to do ( please clean up, please get our child dressed, whatever then it’s, well you don’t communicate and therefore I did not know what to do.) I can handle all the work I do but I just don’t know how long I can. The diminishing relationship with my family and friends has led me to want to separate.
She accuses me of gaslighting her and I have on occasion. For example she said she has PTSD because of an incident where someone hurt their arm in front of her and I said I don’t think it’s ptsd, but I did not address her concerns. However every time I get hurt she says I am too sensitive, I can’t get over things, I can’t forgive and so on. I am very forgiving but how many times is she going to spew hatred about me, my family and friends. She says this is just her emotions and she needs to talk about them and because I do not communicate well that is why she is triggered...she is an adult and one person cannot be responsible for another persons actions. I say this because after her blow up with my family she said it was my fault that I did not fix it, that I do not stand up for her, make her the priority, she is the mom, the wife etc. The main reason why I have not tried to fix it is that I have been making excuses for a while and I do not agree with her actions at all, I can’t agree with her actions.
I have lost the passion that I had for her, not overnight but little by little year after year which has led me to this support group. I know I my heart that in order to be happy I need to leave, I just don’t know how to begin, it’s too much for me so we get back to our routine and do our day to day life until the next blow up. I can feel that I am getting more confident, I am trying not to be a doormat anymore either.
After reading so many other posts, it has helped me through these times. I know I have a long road to travel still and any advice would be appreciated.
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