Partner has BPD and feeling exhausted and disoriented

[SchrödingerCat]

Hello!
This is my (26M) first post here, so please bear with the length and potential lack of information/incoherency.

My partner (25F) was diagnosed with BPD by her therapist 3 weeks ago, on top of her existing diagnosis of anxiety and depression and has fear of abandonment. We have known that she might likely have BPD for a while, but we never knew about BPD and she never believed she had it until her recent diagnosis.

As background:
We have had an on and off relationship, with multiple threats and violence historically, though the past 4 months have not had them. She has been on dating apps and talking to men (for romantic purposes) behind my back multiple times too. 4 months ago when I broke things off due to her consistent use of dating apps after repeated pleading not to do so , she ended up in the psych ward for a few days. After coming out, she promised to work on herself, so we agreed to continue the relationship, since when she hasn't threatened or been violent. I also have often gotten frustrated at her and been angry/yelled at her multiple times, and do feel bad about that. She is prescribed Gabapentin and Prozac, which she often overdoses on when she feels distressed.

Current Situation:
For some reason (maybe because of the way I communicate or how BPD makes her interpret my actions/words), every few sentences ends up with her feeling overwhelmed about a word I used or something that I might have meant. Then we spend a long time validating her emotions and me apologizing for something I said. This happens very frequently on the days we meet, and I feel exhausted constantly validating her emotions. Constantly putting boundaries for every small thing and responding to her questions and emotions is tiring, and she ends up overdosing on medicine when she feels overwhelmed and I can't help her regulate her emotions.

Also on the days we meet, there is a constant need to spend time together and do/plan something she likes to do, especially on weekends. I love doing many things she likes to do, like hiking and shopping and we mostly something she likes on the weekend. But I am unable to do many of my hobbies and priorities, like reading, learning something new, having a get together with friends (invite her) or cooking, since many of them involve little verbal interaction or she doesn't like doing them. I also end up going to my place (I spend the weekends at her place) for sometime to do these activities because she will constantly try to get me to talk or maybe pick a fight while I am quiet or engaged with something else.

Additionally, she tells me she feels she can't do the things she likes to do when she is with me and hence feels stuck, which makes her more unhappy and anxious. And this is confusing to me because I repeatedly tell her to schedule time with friends and tell me when she wants to hike, which I most often join too. So not sure what to do here.
 
Conversations over message/phone are dull how much ever I try otherwise and want to talk to her about her. She is better at asking about my day and how/what I am doing recently, but until now she barely responded on message or phone.

Question:
How do I proceed forward and be able to take care of myself? I feel tired and even feel stressed just before meeting her, due to questions and fights we might have. She keeps telling me that I will be stressed in the near term while she works on herself, gets into DBT and is able to handle herself better. But not sure how long I can sustain this, and I am debating whether this is a good long term relationship and what I can expect going forward

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

These relationships are difficult. You ask what you can expect going forward. Here are two articles that might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[once removed]

i think that the first hard thing to swallow, while you are here for hope, is that you have an uphill battle on your hands.

a diagnosis can be life changing. often times, in a bad way, before it gets better. while, for both parties, it initially can provide a lot of relief, a lot of clarity, theres an element of "so now what?" that can follow. it can be destabilizing. and the therapy that typically follows is such a journey.

secondly, a relationship that has been on and off, a relationship that has involved violence (this should be your top priority; its very hard to make improvement elsewhere while this exists. when was the last time that it happened?), is a rocky relationship, and its just not easy to shift the relationship to a healthier dynamic. it will require you to lead, and to lay the foundation, to establish and build trust that has not necessarily existed. it will require you to take the lead in building the environment where your relationship can thrive. that will require learning the tools, and extended work, over a period of months, if not years.

my point isnt to overwhelm you. its to help you know what exactly youre undertaking and go into this with eyes wide open. if you choose this relationship, you have to be strong, and committed, and consistent. you need a plan.

[Notwendy]

I would echo the others and look at the history: violence, off and on relationship, difficulties with communication, she's on dating apps while dating you.

One thing I want to make clear is that we don't tell anyone to stay in a relationship or leave it. This is because everyone has their own different circumstances, values, and also responsibilities such as marriage or children.

I think it is fair to say that being 26 and single is a different situation than being married with children when considering these choices and to keep this in mind when reading the different posts. What someone with children decides may not be the same thing you decide.

You stated: every few sentences you say end up being misunderstood. You feel exhausted validating her emotions. Conversations are about her. You feel stressed knowing you are going to meet her.

You asked a very important question: How do you move forward while taking care of yourself? You have recognized that this is a concern. Yes, it is possible to learn some skills to do this better, but it doesn't change her needs. She assures you it is temporary. I think if you read the information on the board you will see that personality disorders are not short term issues.

You are debating whether this is a good long term relationship and what you can expect going forward: What you can expect is what you see now. I think it's good that you are here learning all you can while you debate your decision. Although the focus is on her - I also think it would help for you to focus on yourself and your feelings. If you feel stressed about meeting with her, exhausted and misunderstood- pay attention to that. This may be your guide with any relationship, not just this one. If you are uncomfortable around someone- that is something to consider.